Members Silvergirl61 Posted August 14, 2013 Members Report Share Posted August 14, 2013 My former brother in law, the brother of my first husband is gone. He has been growing increasingly ill over the last few years. He was one of the few members of my first husband's family that stayed in touch, and who always treated me kindly, even after the break-up of the marriage. Being a fellow Navy vet, he even got along all right with my Dennis, and they had a few laughs together over the last few years, about the Navy, and the kids. Recently, he had healed an estrangement with his brother, and I heard from him less, as we agreed that it would be easier on their relationship, if the 'ex" wasn't in evidence.. He hasn't been sending messages, or making phone calls lately, but I hadn't been unduly worried, then I got a call last Thursday, to let my daughter know that her uncle had died. I was sad, but since his health has been very poor, not terribly surprised. Apparently,he had been suffering much more than he let on, because tragically, he chose to end his life, which I was a little sorrier to hear. Now my ex-husband is calling me and asking me for help with this situation, and is very surprised and upset, and the family members that are near where he lived are all saying they had no idea that the brother would do such a thing, and they are confused and hurt...and have no idea why he would choose to this. While I am saddened by the loss of someone I considered a friend, I don't want to be entangled with most of the members of that family again in any way. The trouble in the past needs to stay there, as far as I am concerned, but I am afraid of hurting my daughters' feelings, especially the younger one, if i simply refuse to speak with their father about this, or if I refuse to help with the words they have asked me to write for them , for his memorial service. i do have compassion for their pain..but it has been a long time since i heard from most of them, and I also know that most of them didn't talk to the brother who is gone now, or visit him, or invite him to visit them or take part in family gatherings, etc. I also know, that none of them had spoken with him since July 4th at all- neither had I really, except to see his posts on facebook, and say hi by sending him a goofy post a couple times. My daughter feels i owe it to the family, to share my memories of Frank with them, and she thinks i should write something nice for the service...but i don't have any idea how to go bout it..or really what to say. I just feel terribly sad, that it came to this, and that he didn't call, or give anyone a chance to help or change his mind- although it might not have been possible, anyway. He was much more ill than he told his family members he was, and his remaining time might not have been very easy . In his situation- I honestly do not know what i might do myself...and i don't now what to say, when they ask me what I think about it, and if i think he will go to heaven or not. I don't feel qualified to answer those questions..although they seem to think that with my recent loss, I should know more about things than they do...why i can't begin to imagine. They are having the funeral at a church..and i have already made it clear that I will not be there, but they want me to write this eulogy type message anyway. What should i do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ModKonnie Posted August 14, 2013 Members Report Share Posted August 14, 2013 Silvergirl61, Do what you feel comfortable with. If you don't want to write a eulogy-type message, then don't. Just explain you don't feel you are the right person to do such an important task. --ModKonnie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Silvergirl61 Posted August 17, 2013 Author Members Report Share Posted August 17, 2013 Thanks, ModConnie. I wrote a sort of outline for my daughter to use...and sent her a couple of poems people have shared with me this past year. I told her that when she gets up to speak, that if she feels that there is something in her heart, that she's like to share instead of the planned talk..that I think she should speak what's in her heart at the time,instead of my thoughts. I also told her to not take to heart any of the silly and cruel things that some of those people have said..and to simply hold onto the feeling she has in her heart, that the God she believes in is infinitely wise and kind, and that he understands more than mere mortals ever can, and that he has the power to welcome whomever he wants to in his realm, no matter what some group of people tell her "The Rules" say. She also added something along those lines to her talk today...and I am glad i helped her, but i think she could have done it without me. She's all grown up, and she did it with such a good heart.! I am so proud of her Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ModKonnie Posted August 18, 2013 Members Report Share Posted August 18, 2013 It sounds as though you have handled the situation with extreme respect, care and thoughtfulness. No wonder they asked you to write something--obviously they new what kind of good person you are. I'm also glad your daughter handled everything so well. Obviously she inherited some great characteristics from you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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