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Kiki's mom

Missing my kitty so much my grief is causing extreme anxiety and depression.

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June 6th 2013 I lost my baby, my side kick and my best friend of almost 13 years. Her name is KiKi she was a tiny little calico who came into my life by accident but stole my heart right from the start, When I adopted this baby girl into my life I took her straight to the vet and had health work ups done on her to find that she had FIV which is the feline form of AIDS , I promised this lil lady that I would take care of her every need all the way to the end and that I would give her the best possible life I could , The vets at that time gave her a prognosis of about 10 years if she was well taken care of . Over the years this little girl became so much more than just a cat , I never thought I could become so attached to her and through the years it's as almost as if she actually was a part of me I loved her as family. Everyday for almost 13 years she was there for me , she would do so many adorable and funny things to make me smile or feel better when I was ill myself. She was never a bad kitty ever in fact if you could describe the perfect feline companion Kiki was all of it. I always thought to myself , "What the heck will I do the day I lose her?" and I just knew that when day came I would be a huge mess! Boy was I right ! a mess doesn't even start to describe how I felt when I saw my baby girl start to get sick , she lost so much weight and couldn't do the things she once could , I just knew something was terribly wrong so I took her to the vet and he confirmed she was very ill. My kitty was suffering with end stage liver disease and I didn't even know she was sick , (I feel so guilty I didn't catch it sooner ; ( It brings up all the guilt of could I had helped her ? Then they had to run a bunch of other tests to see if she had some heart disease and possible cancer ,,,I was so distraught , It came on so fast just two weeks earlier she was jumping and playing ... What the hell?!?!? ...So after he prescribed more medications for her , drained her abdominal fluid , gave her an antibiotic shot , I took her home to care for her and await the upcoming test results. It seemed like after that vist to the vet and the new meds side effects Kiki got weaker and sicker , though she still ate small amounts she was hardly moving around , stopped drinking as much and was so to herself , My vet never actually used the words she is ready to pass or maybe we should consider euthanasia so I guess deep down inside I knew what was coming but I had this tiny bit of hope that I could nurse her better with all the meds they had given me. Apparently I was in denial . I myself suffer from chronic anxiety and depression so this was triggering every emotion in me and I was on the internet for hours every day and night trying to find a cure or some help of any sort. I just could not let her go without a fight , The night before she passed I read online that humans and pets with liver disease can benefit from a product called milk thistle which is suppose to be safe with no side effects so I thought hey I have tried everything else and nothing is working she is just getting worse so why not . I went to the store purchased this product and brought it home , read up on how to give it to my kitty and what dose , Thursday June 6th 2013 , I woke up in the morning and did my usual rounds with my pets feedings , When I went to feed Kiki she didn't want to make her usual trip downstairs so I brought her food and medicines upstairs I gave her her food of which she ate a bit but refused her water, I went ahead and gave her her prescribed doses of meds and she was just not happy , Looking for a place to just lay down , I waited a little while and then went to make up a small dose of the milk thistle I diluted it with water to help it go down . I went to give it to her and she was just kinda exhausted , I gave it to her at which point it just kinda dripped out of her mouth ,I'm not sure if she got any of it down or not but she salivated and threw up immediately , right after she threw up her little body collapsed and she went into sudden cardiac arrest which is instant death , I tried to give her CPR but her little body let go while I was holding her. My baby was gone !!!! I was so distraught and I began to blame myself , The sadness , the guilt , the anger , the pain , the disbelief , all of it hitting me at once and I was alone.

After that happened I went through all the stages over and over ,,,, especially the guilt so I contacted my vet who reassured me that the milk thistle was safe and not the cause of her death , she was very ill ,it was her time to go and out of anyones control , and although it eased part of my guilt the intense sadness and pain remain because my girl is still gone regardless of what took her life. OK so Now the grieving process was to begin and I wasn't ready for it .... How do I hold myself together and get through this ? With not too many people understanding how someone can get so emotionally attached to a kitty , Who do I turn to for support? My emotions became overwhelming and the tears seem to be never ending. It does not help that I suffer from chronic anxiety and depression so the grief has triggered not only emotional but severe physical responses. I wonder if anyone else has been through this ? ... Will I get through this? ....

Thank you so much for reading my post

Sincerely KikI's Mom ( forever in my heart )

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Dear Kiki's Mom,

I am so sorry for the loss of your dear and beautiful cat Kiki. Pets love unconditionally and become a member of our family. You gave Kiki 13 good years and just think if you would not have had Kiki in your life.

Loss is never easy. I have found that crying is helpful, it is better to let these feelings out. Take care of yourself physical self. You gave her such a wonderful life and at some point the good memories will take over the ones of her passing.

A 9 year old child that was a friend of my daughter, my 18 year old daughter Cara died in a car accident last June, recently lost her dog of 13 years and she got so much comfort knowing her dog went to be with Cara. Kids figure this stuff out so much better than we do. Cara loved all creatures so I know that Kiki is being taken care of now in her new life.

You are in my thoughts dear friend

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Dear Kiki's Mom,

I am so sorry for the loss of your dear and beautiful cat Kiki. Pets love unconditionally and become a member of our family. You gave Kiki 13 good years and just think if you would not have had Kiki in your life.

Loss is never easy. I have found that crying is helpful, it is better to let these feelings out. Take care of yourself physical self. You gave her such a wonderful life and at some point the good memories will take over the ones of her passing.

A 9 year old child that was a friend of my daughter, my 18 year old daughter Cara died in a car accident last June, recently lost her dog of 13 years and she got so much comfort knowing her dog went to be with Cara. Kids figure this stuff out so much better than we do. Cara loved all creatures so I know that Kiki is being taken care of now in her new life.

You are in my thoughts dear friend

Dear Lora , Cara's mom , First let me say that I am so sorry for your loss . I have lost many family members , friends and my pets but I can't imagine losing a child my heart goes out to you . For me I never had children so I consider my pets as my kids, Kiki was my baby she was there for me when I was sick , happy , sad , lonely , I loved her more than I can type into words and I have cried a river of tears. The first week I became really ill with anxiety and depression with not being able to function barely at all it seemed my mind , body and soul were shutting down. No sleep , no appetite , nausea, shaking and crying , I have been spending a lot of time online reading other stories of grief and although I hate the fact that we have all lost our loved ones I realize it is a part of life and I have found some strange comfort in the similarities of all the stories of love and loss that I no longer feel alone in my pain. ( if that makes any sense) I have been going through all the stages of grief over and over and I'm pretty sure with my existing and ongoing condition that I will continue to do so but in time the symptoms will lesson and I will be able to see through this dark tunnel thanks to caring people such as yourself who take the time to help a stranger in need of some kind heartfelt words . Thank you so much for taking the time to read and post .

Sincerely Kiki's mom <3

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I am glad you are feeling better and yes I agree that we get comfort from people who are going through the same thing.

I too, read everything I could find on the web about loss and Grief, the web has so much. You are going in the right direction. Take care of yourself.

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I notice there are not a lot of responses , but they are a lot of views so I know the heartache and interest to heal along with us is out there so I am gonna keep posting my breakthroughs for you in hopes that it helps even a tiny bit.

Ok so its been almost 3 weeks this Thursday since my pretty kitty passed away and as I have been going through all the grieving stages I had been just so sad anxious and tired but at the same time my anger fueled the detective in me that just had to know what the heck happened ? Why would my seemingly healthy kitty suddenly start taking a turn for the worst so in between my bouts of depression moments and tears I went on a mission the past couple weeks reading and researching anything and everything I could in regards to not only my kitty's situation but others that are / were similar.

I noticed we all had common grieving symptoms and one of the main ones was guilt, Guilt of not knowing if we gave our pets, enough love?, enough preventive medical care ?, Did we take them to the right vet ? Did we do the right thing by keeping them home to die with us naturally ? or Did we do the right thing by euthanizing our fur children? Was it too soon ect. We as pet parents beat the hell out ourselves mentally because we just can't stand the thought of our babies human or fur being gone forever.

We develop such attachments to these pet children because they make us smile , feel good , take care of us when we feel bad and they love us unconditionally , Pet children can really steal our hearts sometimes even stronger than a human . I make no apology for saying that I love my pets more than a lot of the people I have come across in life . So with this it makes sense to grieve so hard ,

I recently received my KIKI's beautiful engraved urn of ashes ... although a couple more tears have been shed , somehow just having her back home close to my heart puts me a little more at ease and it helps me to be able to move through some of my more anxious moments.

After doing my research I was put completely at ease that I was not to blame for my sweet KIKI's death and that actually according to statistics which I hadn't known , The lifespan for a cat who contracts FIV from diagnosis is just about 5 years... my KIKI lived 13 blessed years that were full of nothing but love. There were also stories of cats who had lived 18 years with FIV although I do not know at what point in their lives they had contracted the disease.

There are several infections cats can contract at the ending stages of FIV as this disease compromises the immune system and when your pet gets sick its much harder to treat , especially since a cat is very good at hiding its illness until it is at a very vulnerable state.

Things that can break down a pets immune system and make them sick are not only viruses from the outside world but bacteria in the foods they consume , also if they are low in the vitamins they need they may look healthy on the outside but the inside is not doing so well. I didn't know so much about this before my KiKi passed but I am well informed now , I need to be because I have several more pet children who are depending on me and I would like to pass on any information to whomever wants to know more about healthy foods ( non rendered foods ) and the junk food ( rendered waste products) they are selling in our stores .

I am doing this for my heart KiKi and for my love of all animals out there , Please be aware of what you put in your babies bellies .

I still have my bad days of missing my girl so dearly but I must say the light is starting to shine at the end of the tunnel , I can feel her spirit and love around me everyday and it helps me get through.

Much love to all who feel despair today , I was there , we were all there , one day you will be here ... day by day ... day by day . xoxo

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Kiki's legacy <3

Update on changing my pet food . Prior to my Kiki passing she use to throw up a lot ,actually my other cat started to as well , I got concerned and did some research and what I read a was that it could be anywhere from the usual suspects of fur balls or it was probably from eating too rapidly and having a competing cat nearby , it was always after eating and the food was undigested so this seemed to fit. Sometimes my cats would not even bat an eye and go right after to fill back up... eeeeuuuwww. Well this was not only gross but a bit expensive having to throw away so much product , I was cleaning vomit off the carpet as well as some other places like the counter right next to their bowl ,however not only was this a waste of food but I just didn't see how this could be normal or more importantly healthy for a cats system to do this.

Information out there would have you believe that it's ok for cats to vomit , Well I'm not a professional but in my recent experiences its not . Sure I can see an occasional vomit after gorging a lot of food because they ate too fast or a hair ball hear or there ok ,but if it seems problematic its probably either the food or a health issue.

OK so now Kiki passed and about a week later her companion Jewel got sick , I went upstairs and there was vomit and wet floor everywhere , I could not find my kitty and I started to panic hard ! I went to every room and no kitty , I noticed in one of the cat boxes also diarrhea , I did end up finding my cat under the bed and went into nurse mode immediately , she didn't seem right so I gave her some unflavored pedialyte and tuna which she ate a little , I noticed the vomit on the floor was again undigested cat food and decided at that moment to never feed her those foods again! I stayed with her all night to make sure she didn't get worse , She held the food in ,seemed to be getting better and by the next day she was walking around and eating drinking on her own. That's when I went online discovering how pet foods are made ,what goes into them and I was completely horrified , Now I always new that there were cheaper brands and the more expensive ones and that they were not made from the best ingredients but WTH ! Is this rendered food ? I read on and what mortified !!!!!! I won't post all the details here but if you research rendered pet food products you will see what I mean . At that point I was so sad that I had not known this before and I went out that day and bought all the natural no by product pet foods , My dogs are actually eating the food without giving me the stink eye lol, and once they got passed the gass me out stage the change was really good for them . My kitty has NOT vomited this food up once since she has been on it and it's been about a week and a half now YEAY !!!! Now It was a bit more expensive however if they are keeping it in their belly's and not throwing it up it kinda balances that out . I'm not saying people should feel bad if you are feeding your pets the less expensive foods , Its better than not feeding them and a lot of times they wont have any problems with it , What I am saying is to be informed of what you are putting in their belly's so that if you need to and have the means to do so . you can make change their diet and maybe see if that will help change an existing condition or prevent one.

Now we know that Kiki has passed away she was 13 living a great long life with FIV but fell very ill in the end , And so I am, going through one of the stages of grieve it's the "What if" stage What if I had done this that or the other? ...

Question: Could I have save her life ?

Answer ...NO , I could not have saved her life , she was 13 and that was long life for a little lady with FIV , she was going to pass away eventually but it just so happened to be this turn of events that ended her time on earth.

My thought process is maybe had I given her a non by product food lifestyle it may have given her a little while longer with a more comfortable existence by feeding her foods that she didn't throw up.

Guilty by ignorance is a hard pill to take and though I will forever be grieving her loss I will get through this and although it's only been just over a week + I am hoping that having this information now will help with all my other pet babies .

My heart to all , KiKi's mom

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I have been feeling like I'm dying , Since my precious KiKi's passing I have been such an emotional wreck that I am sensitive to anything and everything that goes wrong in my life. I became very obsessed with my health as well as the health of my other pets and family . I'm obsessed to the point that i went and had blood work and my usual yearly mammogram done , and even though my blood tests came out ok I did scrutinize every little part of the results for hours .... Just when I started to see a light at the end of my dark tunnel bam the darkness hit again , I got a second callback on my mammogram , to someone who is already stressed and panicked this is never a good thing to hear , and although I have read and heard that callbacks are pretty common this was of absolutely no relief to my panic. People with panic ALWAYS fear the worse ! When the nurse contacted me they said they couldn't get me in until the next Monday because of the holiday and today was only Wednesday ,,, OMG!!!! The panic started right away ,,,, All my emotions started to flood , Usually when I would have this happen my Kiki would sense my weakness and she would come to be at my side to comfort me to show me her beautiful non judge mental love and acceptance. I missed her so much it seemed to just make my stress and anxiety, Now it just feels ten times worse knowing she would never be there again. Seems like I have been on a stress roller coaster forever now and yesterday I just couldn't take it anymore ! I couldn't sleep , eat or keep any food in me also the panic and feelings of having a heart attack were completely overwhelming . I am exhausted and new it was the only way I could make sure that the stress wasn't actually causing a real heart attack . For those who have panic and anxiety you know this is probably the worst feeling you have ever felt and for those that have never felt it ... you are so lucky , Anxiety and panic disorder is one of the hardest things to live with especially if people around you don't understand what it is.

I ended up in the emergency room where they performed a full cardiac work up on me , I felt more relaxed just knowing I was not alone and in a place that could help me , Filling out the paperwork I had noticed when I put the date that it was July 6th and exactly one month from the day my Kiki had passed , I never said a word about this out loud but I took a second to thank my Kiki for being my little guardian angle and putting me at ease for that moment. All of my heart and lung tests came out fine which i am so relieved but I do still have to get my second mammogram tomorrow and I will pray that it will turn out ok as well . When I go to that appointment I will be taking a photo of my new little guardian angle with me .. she was so very strong for me until her time came and I owe it to her to be strong.

Kiki's mom <3

Thank you to grieving com for providing a safe comforting place for us to heal

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sere72   

So sorry about your Kiki. I Had my cat euthanized on Friday. She was getting old with frequent vet visits. Uti's and renal problems. She started getting weak in her back legs. and then I saw her taking a few steps then laying down or jumping up on the couch and struggling. So I took her to the vet to test her kidney functions in hopes that they can gie her some fluids and I can bring her home with me. I showered, did laundry etc before her apt instead of laying with her and petting her and I will never forgive myself. I also sat in traffic on the way promising her I was taking her home with me. I let her down. She was trying to hide under a table at the vet. Im not sure if she was saying "im sick" or "please don't let them do it" I hae no closure because I will never really know if I did the right thing and I couldn't be with her. They couldn't start the iv because she was dehydrated so they had to give her gas. :( I was all alone. No 1 would answer the phone for me and stll havent called me. I got a few "im sorry" posts on facebook. I miss her soooo much and I hope I did the right thing and that there is a place we all go to after we die. Ariel was too sweet and loving to end. Her face and personality lit up the room and she absolutely adored me. She slept on my heart Im so depressed I cant even leave my apt. I also suffer from massiv panic attacks so I have been chasing my klonopin with vodka or tequila. something I wud never do. I remember when I got her. I was around 20 or 21 yrs old. I am now 41. ME and my x husband had to bottle feed her because she was so tiny. I hope my love was enough for her. And hope she wasn't wondering why no1 else was there or here for me. I have let go of all my so called friends and will be with my other cats. 1 who grew up with her and is appearing very depressed. I hope your pain has subsided. I cant handle this. Especially alone. :(

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Dearest Sere 72 , Thank you for your kind words for my baby girl she was and will forever be my heart . It was one of the hardest if not the hardest things I have ever been through in my life and I have been through a lot of crap. What really sucks is its not gonna be the last time either because I have more furbabies that I will eventually lose :(

I am so sorry to hear that you had to send your cherished furbaby over the rainbow bridge , however I know your sweet little thing knew your love all the way to the end , unfortunately our pets dont live as long as we do and at some point we are gonna have to watch them go... And it really sucks because we bond with them so whole heartedly and they with us sharing unconditional love for years and then all of a sudden they are gone . Even if we have warning our babies are sick we go into this place of denial like they are never going to leave us and when they do we go into a state of shock. This is a very bad event for anyone who is attached to their pet but can be especially hard on those who have a disability or whom already suffer from a disorder such as anxiety or depression , This can trigger deep emotions that are not only related to the event of the death of the pet but also of other memories of loss throughout life that surface .

I blamed myself when my babygirl passed and was in so much emotional pain that it was so overwhelming because not only did I lose my little best friend but then it triggered other feelings of emptyness and painful memories that caused anxiety , panic and depression to the point where I couldn't function. I ended up in the hospital after having a nervous breakdown .

The answer my friend is not to seek solice in a bottle or pill but to live through and work through what is really going on.

You need to know its not your fault your lil sweety got sick , you cannot predict nature and we all end up dying of something at some point. You helped your sweety get through the senior years more comfortable and that is an awesome thing . I know it doesn't make a damn bit of difference when someone tells you " your cat lived a long life " because all we can think about when they pass is I wish I could have one more day... God determines that ... nature determines that ... you knew it was time and your baby knew it was time , When animals hide under tables and such its because they know its time , your baby was not mad or sad , and although she knew she was passing she did not know what was about to happen as far as the other ... hon you did the right thing. Had I known my kitty was so ill I would have put her to rest as well.

My KiKi had a lot of the same symptoms your lil girl did but she didn't show she was so sick until about a week before she passed , I did everything under the sun to try and save her , Took her to the vet , fed her the so called "special foods" , gave her the meds... nothing worked so when she passed in my arms I felt like it was my fault , maybe I should have done this or that or what if I ? .... Your mind can take you to all kinds of dark places when someone you love passes.

Its been a few months now as of Oct 6th it will be four months and I have to tell you although it gets easier my KiKi is in my heart and on my mind constantly . I plan to never forget her and although it may sound crazy I can actually feel her presence , I believe she is always watching over us.

I also believe Your baby girl kitty is up there with my KiKi causing a scene :)

Addressing some other issues , my other cat her partner in crime did get really depressed so i spent some extra time with her and we have bonded now she is doing very well. So yeah if you notice some of your other pets mopey than they probably feel the loss and could use a bit more attention.

YOU CAN DO TIHIS !!! I am doing this and heck yeah its hard not gonna lie but I am getting through it. When i first posted on here I felt the same as you and I just could not see any light at the end of the tunnel... seriously I cried alll the time... I still cry just not as much. But I am taking each day as it comes and letting myself feel what I need to feel . Dont let anyone else tell you how to or when to grieve . To this day if I feel the need to let go a good cry because i miss her ..I do!

The one thing you shouldnt do though is to try and mask the pain with drugs and or alcohol.. not only are the physical effects bad but your just masking the emotional which will eventually come out later.

A lot of people deal with lifes crappy twists and turns alone , I'm one of them as well , however You are not alone in spirit you are doing the right thing by searching out for help and telling your baby girls story , I am here , you are here .... anytime you wanna talk about your girl or how your feeling just come on in and let go!

You can also add photos if you like i would love to see the little sweetheart who is playing with my babygirl ; )

Hugs to you and hope your healing begins soon

sincerely KiKi's mom

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So grateful I found this website. I had to put my kitty girl to sleep 2 days ago and I am in hell. I could have written every word you've posted here and I have found a glimmer of hope that I can heal from this unspeakable grief and guilt. Thank you.

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So glad I found this fourm. I need to cry and scream ...to people who will understand My grief . I just had to put My 16 year old Female Tuxedo cat down a couple of Days ago. She suffered from Hyperthyroidism and the previous few Days had not been eating or drinking. She got Very weak and I knew I had to make the descion to let Her go. It killed Me inside and My feelings of guilt are tremendous . What if ...what if ....I can't think straight . I miss My baby so much . We had been threw so much Together . I feel as though it will never get better . Ive never cried so much in My Life . Everyone thinks I'm crazy for being this depressed over just a pet. To Me She was Family . I don't think I'll ever get over this. I'm going crazy.

Mommy misses You Abbey !

R.I.P fur Baby

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Hello Abbeyssadmommyshay and Talega 949 , It's been a while since i have posted in here but I just had to come in and tell you both how very sorry I am for your losses . It's incredibly painful when we feel when we lose our furbabies and my heart goes out to you . It's been just about 8 months now since I lost my KiKi and I still miss her ,  I was in crazy pain over her passing and I never thought I would ever stop crying, Coming in here and being able to just let it out to people who could relate helped a lot . The first couple months were seriously hell and I never thought I would be able to smile again. After some time passed the intial intense pain wore off and I began to heal , smile and live in the moment again.

No one can tell you how much pain you should or should not feel when losing a beloved pet , you will heal in your own time and it may be sooner or it may be later but you WILL get through it .

 

Although I do miss the heck out of her ,I can now look at my Kiki's urn and photos and not break out in tears .. instead I can look at them and smile at how adorable , sweet and awesome she was.

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Ziti   

I am trying to find someone to help me through the worst hell of my life. I too have a tuxedo cat and reading all the posts in this forum is asking me so sad. We have been fighting cancer, now hyperthyroid and today the onset of kidney failure. I had to leave him in the hospital which is two hours away and it is so unbearable. I am so scared of him dying and not being on the other end to meet him. I don't know how to get through this or what is the best for him. He has literally been my unconditional best friend for 15 years.

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lvkathy   

I had to write to you because you had a torti named kiki just like myself.   my kiki lived for 22 1/2 years and passed away march 3rd.   I am feeling extremely lonely and having anxiety over the pain..  I keep wondering if it will get better.   Will anything ever love me as much as my kiki cat loved me.... I hope you are doing well and if you ever need someone to talk to I am here

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It does get better ! 

 

One year ago today I lost my beautiful KiKi , I was a complete wreck .

With some passing of time and lots of tears,  today I am able to smile again with the memories of her that flood my thoughts. 

I will always remember her life and then her painful passing but it does and has become a whole lot easier . 

 

xoxo KiKi's mom 

 

 

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I know this is an old post. I don't know if anyone will see this. I just have to put it out there. It's been one week since we had to put down our little baby. So much pain, so much emptiness. The sweetest little kitty in the world. The runt of the litter. Half the size of a normal cat. Part of my life for 19 years. Just love you little missy, you will never be forgotten.

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Dear Razeplace,

I understand your heartache.  It is such a terrible pain in the heart when losing a pet.  For me it is a totally different type of pain, than when I grief the loss for a person.  I feel like, that there is a special bond I share with my cats, including the ones I foster until they find a home. I call them my little angles.  Two weeks ago, one of my foster kittens that just found a forever home together with his kitten sibling, had to be put down due to what the 2 vets called FIP.

Still to this day, I don’t want to believe it. I wish I could return time and wonder if there is something that I had missed when I had him. Maybe I could have saved him. Never before I had a kitty with FIP.

FIP is so terrible; when I read up online regarding FIP it broke my heart. I hope he didn't have to suffer. He was such a sweet kitten and didn’t deserve to suffer any pain nor die.

He was one of the kittens I helped rescue and was so afraid and shy on the beginning, but later the biggest lover. I had him and his sister the longest, both for over six months and really got attached to them. I so often wished, that I could have kept them, but I knew that was impossible, because some changes happened in my personal life and I couldn’t keep them.  Right after New Year’s, a very nice lady adopted them together.  I was so happy for both of them.  Then 1 1/2 weeks later the boy kitten had to be put down due to FIP....life is truly not fair.

I understand your pain and so very sorry for your loss.

I am currently still sad and grieving the loss of my little foster kitten. It’s already two weeks, but  I am still hurting.  I wrote him a “letter” about how sorry I was, and that I was not there for him. That eased the pain a little, but ………….you know… I am still dealing with it. – That’s how I found this forum.

 

It was already so difficult to give them up, but somehow took compfort that they will have a better life in their new forever home.  Well, now I just need to accept the fact, that  he was already called to move to our next forever home......and I so hope, that one day, after I completed my "mission on earth" to  be reunited with him at the rainbow brigde. 

Rest in peace my little kitty......I miss you so much and keep you in my heart forever.  -- Your Foster Mom 

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To Kiki's Mom, I am very sorry for your loss. I understand what you feel. I lost my "baby" 2 months ago. The grief does not stop. I know the attachment and the unconditional bond to a cat. Dealing with people who don't is stressful. The grief and guilt hits in waves to me.  Your furry angel was very special. Mine had health problems all of his life.He was my baby, and I was the only one that looked after him. I wanted him to come home with me from the veterinary clinic so much. I would have begged for money and a miracle cure to save him. Coming to this site and thinking of people that understand helps a lot when dealing with insensitive people to this. Prayers are with you.

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carbon   

I know this post is older, but I've been hurting so bad I needed somewhere to talk. This will probably be the longest post on here.. December 15th 2014 5pm my baby Shady got her wings. I had her since i was 8 yrs old, I'm about to be 21. I love her so much it feels like I lost a child. I haven't gone a night without crying for her. She was my angel, my best friend, she loved me as much as i loved her. She always made me feel better even at my worst. I can honestly say the only reason I'm alive today is her. When I battled horrible depression, I never ended it all because the thought of shady thinking I had abandoned her killed me more than any other pain I felt. She's the type of kitty who would lean in for kisses and give them back. She knew I was home before I even put my keys in the door and was already waiting on the stairs meowing for me. When I talked to her she would meow back. And i could never lay on the couch without her on my belly, or go to bed without her sleeping within close proximity to my face. She was beautiful and silly and always kept me smiling. Never once got mad and scratched, bit, or even hissed at anyone. She was a pure sweetheart. When she got sick I couldn't even believe it. She had always been healthy and never had any health problems. A couple months after we had moved, she had started to act strange. I chalked it up to stress because she hadn't gotten entirely used to her new surroundings yet. Then she stopped eating. This concerned me as Shady loved food. It was her favorite part of the day. I waited a couple days to see if this would improve. It didnt. I hate myself for waiting as long as i did to call the vet. When I took her in I found out she was dehydrated, and jaundiced. (This was very hard to see because she was a jet black cat with yellow/green eyes) how could this happen? I thought. I changed her water every day and always fed her. I didnt understand why. I immediately started crying because I know that meant her liver must've been severely having problems. They kept her overnight that day to run some blood work and tests. Later in the evening we got the news she had hepatic lipidosis and her bilirubin levels were at 16.. Normal is .04.. Or something along that line. The vets told me that the first steps were to rehydrate her and keep an eye on her for the next three days. They also had incorporated force feeding... I know that maybe I should've put her down so she could go at peace but I couldn't give up on her. I wanted to badly to believe she would get better. I love her more than words can say and i couldn't just make the call to end her life. I didnt care if it would cost me a million dollars if it meant shady could live. During the three days I would visit her every day and it looked like her condition only worsened. She was doped up on pain pills and i had to bite back the tears every time i saw her. But even with the pain she was in she would still purr and give me kisses. She had an IV in and her paw was swollen, and i just wished so badly I could fix her and hold her and have her be happy. She was drooling immensely from her nausea. My mother and I were in constant communication with Shadys doctor and he really had us believing it could be reversible. Yet despite all the tests they were taking, they still couldn't tell us exactly what was causing this to happen to shady or why she got so sick so suddenly. After her third night they had an operation done to put a feeding tube in her neck so she could eat. I was praying for shady constantly and wish i could trade places for her or give her my own liver. (Sorry for my poor typing, i am bawling my eyes out as i type this) after her surgery they allowed us to take her home. They gave us her prescription food, medication, thorough instructions and a syringe to feed her from. I was worried but was so hopeful that being back at home (her original home with my parents and i, before the move) would make her feel a little better and make recovery less stressful for her. I stayed in my old room and planned to live back at home til she was better. I called off work, i didnt want to be away from her. The tube feeding was terrible, we went so slow so she wouldn't get sick. Each one would take over an hour since we went at a pace that couldn't cause her to aspirate. She usually couldn't keep it down though. We had to feed her three times a day and it felt like we were torturing her. Her stomach was so swollen and bloated she looked like a furry waterballoon. She couldn't go to the bathroom much and when she did she just layed in her litter box and went on herself. Looking at this sweet baby, this angel i grew up with go through that broke my heart.. I didnt understand why. She was always so healthy and happy. I blame myself for the move. for not always being there enough. I feel like if i stayed with my parents she'd still be with me. I'm no devout Christian but i was in a constant state of prayer. I kept telling myself she would make it through. She was at home for a couple of days when she showed small signs of improvement, she would start walking to other rooms and she even made a small poop in her box. She was peeing more. I was really thinking that if in a few months time she could get better and live out the rest of her life. Her stomach kept swelling though.. The night before she passed away she was even trying to go down the stairs. We put up quite the barricade to keep her from hurting herself but she still managed to get around it. That was Shady for you. If she wanted to do something "no" was a word that meant nothing to her. My mom woke up the next morning and shady was laying in the middle of the stair case. She took her downstairs and set up a nice area for her to hang out. I remember this day so vividly, I relive it every day and it tears me apart the exact same way every time. I remember i came downstairs that morning and sat with her, pet her, and helped my mom feed her. I went to lay on the couch after and shady came up as she usually did. Her movements looked so pained. I remember motioning for her to come up and cuddle and talking to her. She tried to jump up and ended up falling over, she was too weak and her stomach weight was too much. I crumbled inside. Despite everything she still wanted to be next to me, i picked her up as carefully as I could and positioned her next to me on the couch. No matter how hard i tried to make her comfortable her poor tummy made that impossible. If i knew this would be the last time i ever got to cuddle my baby i swear i would never get off that couch. She made a sad meow and i remember kissing her telling her it would be okay. This was the day we had to go get her feeding tube cleaned so after a little while i got up to get ready. We wrapped my baby in a towel and got in the car. Luckily the vet was only 5 minutes from home.. But it was traffic time. I was holding her like a baby and before we could entirely get out of our neighborhood she was meowing a lot and started dry heaving. I was frantic trying to get her in a better position, i was holding her upright so she wouldn't choke but i couldn't save her. She aspirated... She went limp right there in my arms and i remember screaming, never so terrified in my life "mom!! Shady just died!! She wont move!" To say we were in hysterics puts it too lightly. My mom pulled over immediately and starts trying to get shady to breathe. Shady let out a small puff of air so we thought she was still breathing. The entire ride to the vet i was trying to resuscitate shady screaming it was okay screaming through tears how much i loved her. A couple times she let out a tiny breath but i think she was already gone. We flew into the parking lot at the vet and raced in. shadys doctor was already waiting inside and got us into a room immediately. He are her on the table and i remember him holding the stethoscope to her and telling me she was gone. I collapsed to the floor screaming in hysterics, the vet assistant hugged me on the floor. I remember shadys eyes.. They were still open and dilated and it haunts me. I feel like its my fault shes gone. I cant get over it. I relive it evey night and have messed up nightmares about it. I just want her back i wish she was still her. I would do anything to hold her again. The last thing i saw was her little feet poking out of the towel as she was carried out of the room. I've never had a pain this bad in my life and i cant deal with it. I try so hard to focus on the happy memories but my baby passed away right there in my arms. She didnt deserve to go out that way, i didnt want her to go with a tube in her throat, i feel like its my fault she choke... My baby was an angel and deserved so much better. I feel so much guilt and i think about her every day. It may sound creepy but i still sing to her. I just want her back. My life feels empty without her. Its like I'm living in hell. When she went alway, she took a big part of me with her. I just hope she knows how much i love her. This pain will probably never get better. I miss you baby girl. Mama will always love you.

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caseycat   

Hi Carbon. I just wanted you to know I read your story and wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. Believe me when I say I understand your pain. Last week I lost my best friend of 18 years. I got her when I was 9. She was a lot like Shady. Extremely sweet, followed me everywhere. She would literally hug me by wrapping her paws around my neck when I picked her up. I loved that cat as much as I love my human son. We knew she had early stage kidney failure a few years ago. She seemed to be doing fine though until a month ago when she went blind and became so weak. I, like you, contemplated taking her to the vet for days. Nothing to do with money. I just knew in the bottom of my heart she did not want to go through treatments and have to go to the vet regularly. If i kept her alive, she would have had to been confined to one room and slept on the floor as she began falling off her pet stairs to my bed. This is all she had left. I read an article that helped me make that awful decision. It said "our cats need us to remember that they are cats." It talked about how cats can't think the way humans do about pain. I know i made the right decision to let my girl go, but that doesn't take away the emptiness and loneliness. I crawled into bed tonight and just sobbed. I had a bad day and all I wanted to do was pet Casey. That's what brought me here. Your story helped me in a small way and I hope you find comfort in mine too. Take care.

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Hi everyone I just read all of your posts on this thread and I will put up my own thread with my baby's story but I am in bits I am in hell I can't cope I am struggling my ruby my beautiful cat was my family. My family are torn apart too abusive for me to be involved with and don't care about me at all let alone my pain.

So my ruby and her brother became my family.

I have one young toddler and my cats and a few friends but that's it amd my ruby was everything to me. She was my happiness.

She was diagnosed with kidney failure due to stones which had blocked her little tubes, I was advised to let her go as she was inend stage and there was nothing anyone in the world could do for her.. I held on for a week then crumbled or became strong and let her go.. I still struggle to say it was strong of me because I don't feel that at all I feelguilt regret terror that I could've done something. I am in pieces.

I'm so sorry for your pain and losses xxx

Can anyone chat about it ? Is there anyway we can keep talking for support ? And share stories

Wishing you strength and sending you hugs xxx

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an4rew   

I don't really have much to add, i feel the same way as most of you.

27th December 2014 i had to put my boy Rossi to sleep due to heart problem.

Everyday is a struggle, i am only living for the people who need me.

Otherwise i think i would rather die.

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Yes, Lauracoping it is difficult. I lost my 2 year old cat this past Tuesday. I am a total basket-case, dealing with depression, rage and anxiety. When I think of my cat I start to cry seems crazy that she could have such a strong hold on me. I feel as through part of my soul has been cut out. People say time is a healer but I think I will always have have a piece of me missing with her passing. I went to the doctor for meds, really need something to get me through the next month or so. Having retired recently me and Graykitty were constant companions. We would chase each other around the house, she would lie on her back for attention, we would wrestle around and she slept with me every night. Even as I write this I am crying and hurting, I miss her so. Just wishing for time to flyby.

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Boo   

Yes, Lauracoping it is difficult. I lost my 2 year old cat this past Tuesday. I am a total basket-case, dealing with depression, rage and anxiety. When I think of my cat I start to cry seems crazy that she could have such a strong hold on me. I feel as through part of my soul has been cut out. People say time is a healer but I think I will always have have a piece of me missing with her passing. I went to the doctor for meds, really need something to get me through the next month or so. Having retired recently me and Graykitty were constant companions. We would chase each other around the house, she would lie on her back for attention, we would wrestle around and she slept with me every night. Even as I write this I am crying and hurting, I miss her so. Just wishing for time to flyby.

I'm so sorry. :(

I lost my beautiful Basil cat suddenly on April 2nd. It has also affected my anxiety levels. Little things trigger crying.

Can you tell me more about your Graykitty? (My Basil cat was grey also).

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