grief and feeling judged

[laura]

I lost someone very close to me five years ago. He was the love of my life, my best friend, and my soul mate. He was in my life for 17 years. We lived together for seven years. We were not romantically involved when he passed away, as he had been struggling with alcoholism for many years, I couldn't be in a romantic relationship with him without feeling codependent, or like an enabler. But we remained extremely close, and I always hoped that one day he would be able to stay sober and we would be together again. He passed from a brain tumor complicated by alcoholism. He could not stay sober, and because of this the doctors could not treat the tumor with chemo. So the cancer went untreated. He died at the age of 38. I was alone with him when he passed, and though it was virtually impossible for him to speak with all the tubes attached to him..he managed to say "i love you, Laura." He died less that a day later. Those were his last words. I feel like I've lost a limb.

At that time, he and I had not been romantically involved for almost 7 years. I had been seeing someone else for about a year who I'm now living with. This person did not respect my loss, and did not offer his condolences. When I discovered that this person had been lying to me about his "friendships" with other women while I was away for the funeral, he replied "go **** your dead boyfriend." When he said that, I slapped him. This occurred less that a year after my loss. For some reason, I'm still with the guy...I guess because I was grieving, afraid to be alone, and looking for a distraction from my pain. We now live together, and he has apologized and since shown respect and compassion for my loss. But because I slapped him (four years ago), many of his female friends treat me as though I'm an abusive person. One has threatened to kick my ass. We're in our late thirties, by the way...This reaction seems immature and high schoolish.. It completely disrespects and minimizes the death of my dearest friend. What bothers me the most is that my current boyfriend (the same one who made the aforementioned horrible comment that precipitated the slap) doesn't have my back. He wants to stay out of it..I feel misjudged and mistreated. I don't know what to do...I'm hurting and sometimes the pain and anger are so intense that I'm paralyzed with emotion. The core of my self feels attacked. I have a lot of grieving left to do, even after five years...but feel completely disrespected for what has been the loss of the most significant person in my life. And I sometimes think that because we never married people do not respect or comprehend the magnitude of this loss for me.....

[ModKonnie]

Laura, I am very sorry about the loss of your dear friend. That being said, please go to a professional and let him know what you just let us know. You need to be able to talk about your loss and have your feelings acknowledged. Do you think your current relationship is healthy? Are you growing in a positive way and getting the support you need? If not, well, perhaps it is time to evaluate and reflect on why you are in that relationship. A professional may help you sort all of this out. It shouldn't matter whether you were married, but perhaps your current partner is envious of what you apparently had. Does anyone at all in your life understand the magnitude of your loss? We will be here for you--ModKonnie

[Mystic Earth Angel]

Laura, it doesn't matter whether you were married to this person or not. I understand that he was an alcoholic, but alcoholism is a disease and some people just can't get well from it. I had a brother that passed from complication from alcohol. Also, I agree with ModKonnie, please seek professional help. Your current relationship doesn't sound healthy and he shows no compassion for you. You are a beautiful soul, created by God and you deserve love and happiness. When you get that love and happiness or maybe just some contentment and understanding, you will be able to start healing. Be well.

Blessings, Light and Love,

Kathy Z

[catz]

I have to echo what has been already said. I know that dealing with your relationship is the last thing you feel you can deal with right now, and probably seems impossible, but to mourn fully, you have to feel safe and validated, and it doesnt sound like you are. And the reason that you need to mourn, and hace that experince of groeving is so that you can come to an aknowledgement of your loss and be able to move on....not to forget but to be able to remember without that memory paralysing you. Please look at getting some professional help, cos atm youre negotiating an emotional minefield