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Kenk

Why haven't I felt anything?

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Kenk   

I lost my girlfriend the night before Easter. It actually took exactly 3 weeks for me even to have a dream with her in it. I've had a couple since then, but nothing I'd really take as a "sign".

I guess my question is how come I haven't felt anything? I read all these wonderful stories you all share, but I wonder if I did something wrong. Is she too busy watching over her kids? Did she not know I still loved her even though we were going through a tough time? I tried to use a stupid tough love approach and I rarely told her I loved her the last month she was here.

It was a sudden unexpected death. I was the last to see her that night and I left without saying goodbye. She went on her roof and apparently jumped, it was ruled a suicide but anyone that knows her doesn't believe she would do that. Not that way, not with the kids around. Could she be blaming me? What if her last moments were of me leaving... Could that be why I haven't felt anything from her? Hardly a second goes by without her on my mind, I just don't understand why I can't have one of these experiences.

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widower2   

Pardon any offense but I think you need to hear this vs some touchy/feely house of cards which might make you feel a little better in the short term but I think will ultimately be unsatisfying and leave you right where you started:

Because that's life. If you (or anyone else) thinks someone here has a specific/definitive answer to your questions, I'm sorry Ken, they don't. Again, welcome to life. I'm sorry it's like this, but it is what it is - where far more often than not, you (meaning all of us, not just you specifically) don't get what you want or what you think you deserve. If you never get "one of those experiences," you'll be like the vast majority of those of us who lose someone and didn't either. Ditto for having dreams about her. PS it has nothing to do with deserving it or being entitled to it. And you will never understand why you do or don't, at least not in this lifetime. It's something we can only guess at and have opinions on, not really "know" one way or other.

If you want you can obsess about it for the rest of your life and try to figure out how it works "out there" and base your life on it etc etc - but you never will, so I think that's clearly pointless and counter-productive. Now if simply wondering about these things or thinking out loud her is a way for you to deal with it in the short term, that's one thing, hey whatever works. But obsessions don't tend to be short-term things in my experience, so guess I'm just throwing out there as something to consider.

Best to you -

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She would visit you if she wanted to. And the content of the visitation would be up to her. 

I have had several visitation dreams of my husband and I'm extremely thankful for that. The only thing is that he gives me the messages he wants. He has never told me, he was happy where he is, he never told me to move on. He did tell me, not to mess around or think about dating other men. He was always jealous and I didn't mind his jealousy one bit. But so far, those are what I have of him. He appeared to be upset from our separation. However, some of his friends said he has visited them and wished them well. There was one who is expecting a baby and my husband to and congratulate them and wished them well.

So for me, I got the message. My husband is still the same person he was before he left. He doesn't want me with anyone else because he doesn't want no one else around his children. And I totally understand his concerns. We were deeply in love and still am.

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