4 1/2 yrs since husband died, 2 1/2 since daughter passed .. its getting harder

[Lis]

I'm feeling so numb and depressed, but not in a tearful way as when their deaths just happened but instead in this fog. I feel like life is getting harder. I keep going for my little boy, but every task feels painstaking, like trudging through waist deep mud.

I feel alone. Family and friends don't check in on me anymore, not that they really ever did. I don't get it! But at the same time, I admit that I isolate myself. Honestly, to protect myself emotionally from stupid comments and lack of sensitivity. They don't know how to deal with me and this ugly grief and loss I feel, and I don't know how to deal with me. I feel like a big open wound, so instead I turn off, go numb, to minimize feeling.

I don't know how I'm going to get through a lifetime of this. I wish I had my family back. The four of us again. I keep waiting for my husband and daughter to come through and encourage me, but they are silent. I have had brief instances of them coming through. Now it feels like they too have decided to leave me for good. This is all emotion, I know, but regardless, I feel overwhelmingly abandoned. I feel so alone and unsupported through this ugly experience. If it weren't for my son, I would have no reason to go on.

[dsmurph]

Lis,

I'm so sorry for your loss and your pain. You are on the right sight. We all are or have gone through the same things you speak of. My 6 year old is what keeps me going too. Hold onto that until you can go on your own. Life seems so unfair at times. But we are forced to go on. You said you tend to isolate yourself. Do you read books to help you? Have you tried Hospice or other groups? Keep coming on here. You will be in my thoughts and in my prayers Dear One, Debbie

[JD99501]

Loss is such an ugly process. I found most people have no bearing on the depth and nature of losing a child. It's not their fault. I had to except that early on. And yes it's a very lonely road. WE are here for you. There will always be someone willing to take the time. If you go to the "losing an adult child" section you will find dee and many others who are on there daily. Give it a shot. Touching base with someone once a day will be good even if it just on this forum. My story is on my profile. Take care and always make time for your grief. It's been since 2007 and I still have to make time.

[Lis]

Thank you for the support. I moved through Mother's Day peacefully, and even got a sign from my daughter, even though small ... but no sign is ever big enough, is it? Only reuniting with them again finally will bring the greatest relief.

I'm feeling better today.

I woke up with this thought this morning: this grief is ugly and painful, but perhaps its mine and those in griefs "gift" to be able to educate the ignorant on grief. Because it is apparent to me that we live in a grief fearing and ignorant culture, and I used to be one of those people.

Anyway, thank you again for being here.