Lost my mother in January, expecting in June

[mcp_sb]

Hi all,

I'm new to this forum. My mother passed away on January 12, and I have found that most of the people in my life have stopped talking about it. But I need to still talk about it. I am seeing a counselor but it's not enough.

My mother was 58 and healthy. She suffered a stroke out of nowhere in late September 2012. A week after the stroke, I found out I was pregnant with my first child. They told us she would recover, and she was improving for 6 weeks. We were all so grateful for our "near miss," and I was beyond relieved that my child would still have a grandmother.

Then, right before Thanksgiving, she got very suddenly sick and went to the ER, where they discovered an aggressive, inoperable glioblastoma. There was nothing to be done, and they gave her 3-9 months. I live in CA and she lived in NH, so I flew out for 5 weeks to help my sister care for her. My mom passed away 2 weeks after I had to go back home, just under 2 months from her terminal diagnosis.

I'm now 6 months pregnant and I'm still in disbelief that she's gone. Sometimes I'm in denial that it ever happened, sometimes I'm so angry because she was so young and it's not fair. Our relationship wasn't perfect, but my family is a mess and she was the one person who was always kind and positive. Very few of my friends have been through anything like this, and the rest of my family has talked far less since it happened. I just feel sort of lost and alone. I never even conceived of being motherless at 33, or having my first child without her.

Anyway, I am hoping to find some support here. Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

[MDenise]

Hi there. I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my mom, very suddenly, when she was 52, back in 2004. I hate that she died so suddenly and young. She was said to have congestive heart failure, probably due to a medication. Cause of death stated as "fluoxetine toxicity". My mom was previously a survivor of something, as your mom was. My mom had breast cancer, diagnosed in 1997. She was operated on and treated and did well until her death, about seven years.

[widower2]

I'm so sorry for both of your losses. mcp, hopefully counseling will continue to help. Is there any family member who might be willing to talk? Do they know how badly you do? Maybe if a direct approach is hard or wouldn't work, consider writing one or some of them (a letter, a card, an email, whatever). Sometimes it's easier to approach and/or talk about something like this that way.......

Best to you in this dark time. Pls do browse around, this is IMO a great site with great people and feel free to reach out any time.

[ForeverRemembered]

Hello mcp_sb,

I don't post on here often anymore, but there are times that I read the posts that are emailed to me. Today, I decided to read your post and I am glad I did. There are times that I can read a post and the memories for me just come flooding back. I truly feel your pain and I am so sorry for your loss. My mom was 65 years old when she died. I lost her suddenly on September 11, 2012. She was sick, we were told she had 6 months to live....but, we had been told she was gravely ill many times and every time she bounced back. A few days after we were told she had 6 months to live, we went for a second opinion. That doctor said he could help her, and scheduled surgery in 2 weeks. A few days later she went into respiratory distress and had a seizure / stroke and never regained consciousness. My mom died about a week and a half after we were given the the news she had about 6 months to live. My sister and I saw my mom in a very terrible situation when she went into respiratory arrest. It was the worst moments of my life. To watch my mom die, in such a terrible terrible way, will forever haunt me. My 12 year old daughter acted as if nothing happened but my 8 year old son was REALLY having a difficult time with my mom's death. I also went to a few counseling sessions, and that is when my healing really started. He told me, "It often takes the human brain about a year to fully comprehend a death and to really start to heal" He said, "Everything I was going through was perfectly normal." Those words really started to help me through and start to head. I am slowly coming to acceptance that my mom is gone. I still miss her a lot, and there are days when I just break down. My son is doing better now too.

As far as the family goes....oh my goodness. My family was a complete MESS! Hurt feelings and shouting at times. It was awful! I would be happy to share all that misery with you if you wanna hear it. Sometimes, the best medicine is to hear that you aren't as bad as that other person! LOL!

Do you have a supportive husband? I will admit that my husband has been my rock and still is. There are times that I still cry to him. There were times that I told him....I still need to talk about my mom. I know he heard it all 100 times but darn it....he needed to sit down and hear it again because I needed to tell it all again! LOL! There was one day when I said, Honey it has only been 4 months. He had to be patient with me. I told him, there will come a day, that he understands what I am going through. He has not lost a parent. Sometimes, you just need to remind the hubby of your needs. (at least mine needs A LOT of reminding!) LOL!

Being pregnant, I am sure that your emotions are all over the place. I can't relate to that, but I can only imagine how difficult it would be. Almost a daily reminder because we all want our mom's when we are pregnant and have a newborn at home. If I were to give you any advice, it would be only what I would think would help me, if I was in your situation. I can't relate to it, because my children are older. Just keep your mom in your heart. Talk about her often. I am always saying "Grandma Marie would love to ....." or "My mom and I would always....." The people around you really DO want to help you. They don't know that talking about your mom, will make you feel better. Tell them. Tell them, I still NEED to talk about her. It helps me in my grieving process to talk about my mom. The people around you will know that it is okay to talk about your mom or they won't try to change the subject so quick. Some people just think talking about your mom will upset you more. Funny how that it the total opposite as to the way we really feel. I told my family, I NEED to talk about my mom. I don't want to forget about her, I don't want to stop talking about her. It helps me. Bring up your mom as often as you want. Don't hold back. Talk about her. Remember her.

I truly believe that my mom is in heaven and looking down on me. After my mom was told she had 6 months to live, she told me to tell the kids, every time they see a nickel...it meant that she was thinking about them. I NEVER spend a nickel anymore! LOL! I will have the largest bucket of nickels you have ever seen, when it is my time to go! I can't tell you how many times, that nickel has appeared. Once, I got up out of bed and there on the floor was a nickel. Once, I was sobbing crying and I begged my mom to please send me some kind of sign that she was still around me....and I looked down and there was a nickel at my feet. Once (again I am crying) and out of the dryer POPS a nickel. What I am trying to say is...your mom is still around you. She see's you. Talk to her. You know, (YOU KNOW) that your mom would not want to see you like this. It would tear her up to see you like this. You will see, when your child is in any discomfort (YOU as a mom) will feel terrible for your baby. You will be wanting to do anything and every thing in your power to help your baby out of his/her discomfort. Just because your mom isn't here with you, doesn't mean she doesn't still see your pain. You will still cry at times, but just know that your mom wants you to be happy. Look for little things that your mom might be sending down to you. I think it is fun to seek them out.

Your gonna be a mom, and that baby needs a strong mama to help teach her/him all the things that your mom taught you. Look forward to doing the family traditions that your mom would do for you....look forward to doing those with your child. That is fun! The other day my daughter tried apples with cheese on them SOLELY because I told her that her grandma use to eat it all the time and she loved it.

Do you have something of your mom's that you wear daily? I have a ring that my mom use to wear all the time. I also have a necklace that she use to wear all the time. I am wearing them BOTH right now. I NEVER take off the ring. I think that helps me too.

Just remember, let people know that YOU want to talk about your mom. Talk about her as often as you can fit it in a conversation.

i hope that I have helped...even it it was just a little. Come to this site often! No one here knows you, nor will they judge you. We are all feeling the same way. I will give you a little hint. Once you start posting and trying to help others....you are doing good in your grieving process. It has really helped me to reach out my hand to someone and try to give them little bits of information that has helped me. You will be really busy soon with that little baby, and he/she may be just what you need to continue your healing process. (I am so jealous!) I was just telling my husband that I needed to babysit for a day or two! HaHa! That always helps me get over the "wanna baby" feelings. When it isn't YOUR baby...you get over that "I want another baby feeling really fast!". When it is YOUR baby....we seem to be able to take so much more.

Any questions you ever have....direct message me! It doesn't matter the topic. I will be glad to help if I can! Take care and if you need anything just ask. The most important thing to know is that you are NOT alone.

Again, I am sorry.

[mcp_sb]

Thank you for the responses. It does feel good to be talking about this, even to strangers, even just by typing.

I COULD talk to my family members I'm sure, I just don't WANT to. My family is all sorts of dysfunctional and self-involved. I often find myself more upset after talking to them than when we don't talk at all. It sounds like ForeverRemembered understands! One thing I got from my mom was her openness, sensitivy, and compassion for others. We always bonded over that, being in a family that can largely be sarcastic, hurtful, and narcissistic. It's one of the reasons I miss her so deeply...I feel as though I lost my ally.

I do have a very supportive husband, and he'll let me talk whenever I need to, but he really doesn't know what to say. So he just listens, and I'll cry and he'll hug me, but sometimes I need a dialogue. And I have excellent friends, but it's just not the same talking to someone who has no idea what you are going through. They will say, "I can't imagine what you're feeling," and I know this is true, because I couldn't imagine it before I went through it either.

I gave my mom a necklace years ago, and before she passed she gave it back to me. I don't ever take it off. Also, someone gave me one of those silver coins with an angel on it, and I keep it in my pocket always. I'm trying to hold her close. When I feel like calling her and remember I can't, I talk to her out loud. And those things help, but it feels lonely. That's why I'm glad I found this site. Thank you again for your responses.

[noahsmommi]

Reading your story hits so close to home as well. My mom passed away 2 weeks ago yesterday from complications due to cancer at the young age of 57. I was her primary caregiver and she lived with me for about 5 months before she passed. She was put on hospice about a month ago ad was given 6-8 wks. She lasted 2 and a half weeks. Its so hard because even with knowing she is going to go, whenit happens sooner it takes u completely by surprise and your not ready. She was my everything. I never thought I would be so young and lose my mother either. I am 25. I have a 4 yr old who im glad got to meet her and have four wonderful years with her but kills me she wont be here to watch him grow or see me have my second child. When my mom first got diagnosed I was 6 months pregnant. I slept in the hospitals with this bg old belly through the surgerys and test and scans. I know how hard it must have been to help take care of her during that time and being pregnant. I agree with a lot that FOREVER REMEMBERED said below. Lean on those close. And you have friends on here when u need to talk.

[Rms1977]

Dear Mcp_sb

Another dear friend on here, who also lost her mother around the same time I lost mine (September 18) told me to come and read your story.

It is heartbreaking, reading your story, as I can feel your pain all the way in my chest, even as far as Missouri. I too, lost my beautiful Mama, and am only 35. I was/still am, devastated. I am so sorry of the pain you are feeling inside. Words cannot express just how frustrating it is, to feel like you're dying, while the rest of the world has moved on. You want to scream "STOP, why aren't you grieving her with me???" I get it, and so does my dear friend on here..who sent me to your post. We both have helped each other grieve so much, and have even become very good friends on facebook, helping cope... I wanted to invite you to add me as a friend there, too.. Ronda Sterling-Martin

I really wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but unfortunately, I have none. I will just tell you this:

Do NOT let anyone rush your grief. It certainly is a "Disease" that has NO time limit, and we ALL heal differently.

Do NOT let anyone "tell you it's okay", when in your heart, it is not.

Do NOT feel as if your mother is gone, because honestly, in your heart and memories, she is NOT gone. (It took me a couple of months to realize, she really isn't gone. Trust me, I know how it feels she is, because we can't see her...but I promise, she's in everything you do- including the blood running through your body........)

Do NOT feel guilty, that you haven't moved on, while the rest of the world has...

Remember to always do this:

I have found it easier to write to my Mama. I have written her several letters, poetry...I have posted it for the rest to enjoy. I pretend she read it...

I try to talk to my mother on a daily basis...Even though I don't get an answer back, I do believe she hears me

Try to find things that remind you of her, and instead of being angry, smile, because you got that time....the list goes on and on.

If you want/need to scream, cry, throw something..etc...DO IT!! It doesn't mean that you've gone off your "deep-end", it means you are releasing that pain. I know this, because I did this myself. I understand how empty you feel, that you are carrying her grandchild, you will never let her see... I had a milestone too...I am marrying this year, and Mama was so excited, because she had never been to the beach. I will cry the entire wedding, as we're doing it on the beach. I will be so empty, yet happy to have finally married him...I am so scared of this day, that I have postponed my wedding until next year.....

Please know that there are people on here that not only feel your pain, but want to be here for you too. I have never been a fan of "online" friendships, as I didn't "get it". How can you have a friendship with someone online? But TRUST ME...this site has been my God-Send, and I have met some of the greatest group of friends here, who like I said, has now even became facebook friends, and I LOVE THEM DEARLY. If you're like me, only people who have lost their parents, would make you feel good to talk to. You KNEW they knew your pain.

Please keep your chin up, and know that we are here for you. You can scream on here, cuss on here, cry, share good moments, the bad moments, the ugly moments, the weak moments..........it's endless, and very therapudic. Big, Huge Hugs to you from Missouri-

Ronda-