Memory Lane Mistake or Good?

[Lester]

I lost my wife in early December. We had been together for 27 years and met while we were young. I think my wave of emotions and experiences are like many I have read on this group. Still rather lost and don't seem to be moving on (its alright I have been told it isn't a long time many many times).

Recently I plucked up courage to visit her family who have been very supportive. On the long drive home I turned off the main road to a village she used to live in when we met. Not sure why but a walk we went on just after we met came to mind and I retraced our steps. The memory of that day was so strong and came flooding back and I was simply overwelmed.

After calming down and crying for a long long time I was shocked by how vivid the memories were. It was a day I hadn't given a thought to before. Was I weeping for her or us or a lost youth, it was a perfect day for two young people in love and full of passion for each other. It took me the best part of 3 days to get myself back in some sort of shape.

Although a rather private person normally I have tried to talk to those I care about. I have actually got used to crying in front of people. Crying in the car is almost normal now. I can now also look at most photos. While I feel this is positive the memories of literally going down memory lane was just too much and it is difficult to convey the strength of emotions it threw up. Still here I am talking about it.

[dsmurph]

Even though it got you so emotional remembering a certain time in your life wife, I really believe that was a gift that she gave to you, cherish it. I miss my daughter so much that at times I can hardly stand it. But, I know she is giving us gifts by showing us that her spirit is very much alive. I hope you always have those memories. A sweet friend I met on here suggested buying a journal, and every time you have a memory, write it down. What a blessing.

[widower2]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't know that such moments are automatically good or bad per se - maybe both. Thinking back to such moments I had it's hard to describe them as "good" but I think (I think) they may have helped in the long run as they help me let it out, so to speak, and so might be similar for you, though of course I can't say.......but I think those are things we are going to have sooner or later....

[BreathofAngel]

Dear (((((((Lester))))))),

I am very sorry for the physical loss of your dear wife and I offer my heartfelt condolences. I know this is a hard time for you but you have come to the right place where many others are in the same situation in one way or another. Losing a beloved partner in life is perhaps one of the most difficult things to have to face but passing-on is so tied to life itself and is so much a part of it that we cannot separate the two.

You weep because you have a very loving heart, my friend. That is completely normal and don't you EVER let anyone tell you any different! It takes a real man with deep feelings and courage to weep openly as you do and I have always seen it this way....if God hadn't meant for a man to cry he would not have given him tearducts! It is never good to hold such emotions back! It is best to release them whenever and whereever the need arises. I have read of many men going on to develop serious heart problems because they feel compelled not to cry or emote openly thus, they carry all of that weighty burden of grief inside of them that they WON'T release. That is so very foolish and dangerous a thing to do in my opinion! So, never feel bad about it and do what you feel you must do to help alleviate your pain if just for the moment.

You were led to go to that place, I feel, because of a spiritual call from your wife to go there. I feel she was very much there with you in spirit and watches over you and wants for you to heal from the experience as you are able and go on with your life. Happiness for many means only being physically with the person they love. But true happiness is having one Eternally in spirit too! And that is the way it will be for you and your dear wife until you two meet again at your appointed time.

I will offer my prayers for you with the hope that God will be a lamp unto your feet to shine a clear path as you walk forward towards the future. May God bless you always!

Death of a Spouse, Wife Died, Husband, Widowed Grieving: https://www.opentohope.com/your-loss/family-loss/death-of-a-spouse/

[Caremal]

Lester and others.

I walked memory lane last summer a few months after the loss of my husband. It was what I called a bitter sweet time. It was an event I had to do, I am glad I did it and plan on doing it again this summer. I also often cry or did more before in the car, it was a safe place for me to do so. I also keep a shirt I put on from time to time. Things have been easier for me as of late - time helps the pain to be easier to deal with. Memory lane is good to spend time in from time to time. Helps us to know life was good and our spouses would want us to remember the good times. Hang in there life will get easier it will never be as it was - we all have to find a new normal.

[Lester]

Thanks everyone.

Well another day, once more unto the breach and all that. I will put on my face for work and try not to snap at anyone. I sill have a bit of recent close death latitude, not sure how long that lasts. Whilst I am feeling many of the things people talk of on here which at times are 'challenging' just having someone somewhere respond to my post has helped that little bit.

Take care.

[5boysdad1]

Hi Lester,

So sorry for the loss of your wife. I lost my wife April 6th of 2012 after being together 26 yrs. We also got together when we were young. I was 17, she was 16.

For me, I thought about her pretty much every minute of everyday for the first couple of months. I had to step put of work every Friday at the time she died. Working and taking care of the kids and house were hard. Looking at pictures was hard. I took down most of the ones we had in the house after a month or so I didn't have to see her around every corner. I still spend a fair number of evenings looking at pictures of her. A fair percentage of that time is spent crying over my keyboard.

I have never been a person who is good at talking face to face about my feelings. So, this sort of thing is pretty much my only outlet. I'm glad you can talk with people about it, I think that is a good thing.

As far as memory lane, I have reached a point where there are times when those memories make me smile instead of cry, but I still privately shed my fair share of tears.

I have no expertise to offer other than my experience, but from that, I would recommend putting one foot in front of the other, do the next right thing and feel your feelings.

Bob

[Lester]

Hey Bob it means a lot to hear from another bloke in a similar place.

As regards talking, I wrote the book and the manual on keeping things to myself. I still need every encouragement from people to talk about things but as you said one step at a time but keep moving.

You take care of yourself and the kids fella.

[kathyl]

Glad you are at the site Lester. I think it is easier to share with people who truly do understand how you are feeling....or at least understand that you are going through a difficult time that has no end in sight.

Memory lane is a wonderful place to go....and I also believe that it was something you needed to do. It is definitely more healthy to release all of those emotions than to keep them all in. If this is the one place you feel like you can talk, then please come back and talk. Crying in front of the computer is easier than crying in front of other people, I find.

Also know that the "emotional ambush" will strike you at the most random times....for years to come. My oldest brother passed away in 1999 and I still have moments occassionally when I hear a particular song or see something that reminds me of him and I start crying. It doesn't happen as much anymore, but it still happens.

((hugs))