can't stop the crying again

[karebear]

It has been 8 months since dad died and I have had a big resurrgence of crying lately. In march last year dad's journey home (heavenbound) began with a heartattack in the end of march. From there we almost lost him immediately but he pulled through. We were told he was dying. By beginning april he had his last birthday in the hospital. By my birthday at the end of april we once again celebrated for the last time as a whole family. 10 days after my birthday he was gone. I have struggled this year to hold it together, giving in on occasion to grief and tears while trying to maintain a life and a job. Sometimes I succeeded sometimes not so much. Now I am coming up to the time of year where it all went so horribly wrong and I can't stop crying. I am a mess. I am losing it big time. I thought it would be easier as time went by but I am finding this so much harder. I just wish the sadness would end soon.

I miss you so much dad and love you forever.

[blujonny]

I can't imagine the back and forth of your emotions right now karebear. It sounds like your heart is sinking like never before sometimes. It's like we're staring vacantly out a window to an abandoned world now. I'm not sure if there's ever a 'why me?' or something else that goes along with it. The pain behind your empty eyes says it all and I can't even imagine deep within, the tension, the angst, the heaviness inside. It's like a kind of hopelessness sets in. Compared to before, will it ever be the same again? Your emotions must seem so different now and we want to feel like we used to don't we? I know I do. It's like if we want to we can still remember, it's like they're still in our lives and sometimes their memories are still fresh somehow. All the things they meant to us, how they loved us, the favorite things they would say to us, favorite moments, important things that were said, that were expressed, maybe down to feelings that were unexpressed but we knew all the same...just that feeling of what was once shared between father and daughter. It's all still a part of us somehow and memories somehow can feel so much more powerful. It's finding how to not be afraid to feel the pleasant, subtle happiness of those memories. And remembering that it's always important to fight to remember these memories without clouding them because what may not be now, the closeness we once we felt is definitely different now. It's for all intents and purposes a challenge. And yet we cope...somehow. They are still special, they were never meant to be forgotten, maybe things have become rare but they are still here with us somehow. Can we ever move on? I'm not sure we ever have all the answers. We just have to cherish them always and know that what once was has its own special meaning to us, to live on in a new sense of importance.

[karebear]

Thank you for your response, it was beautiful and really made a lot of sense. You captured a lot of what is happening right now, have you also lost someone?

[stillfighting431]

blujonny, thanks for sharing your profound thoughts.That was well said & I agree with it all.

karebear,I know how you feel. My mom broke her hip on May 5, 2010.That was the day our lives changed forever. It was never the same again. They say all the firsts are tough & truly all the special days & holidays were torture the first year after mom. We didn’t celebrate any of them. Didn’t feel like celebrating. This year when summer rolled around my sister & I started feeling even sadder than before. Guess all memories of the horrible events from the year gone by flooded back with all the familiar sights, sounds, smells & weather. Couldn’t help thinking back to the last few happy memories we had with mom, the last b’day I celebrated with her in 2010. Mom was 71 when she passed away on May 24, 2011.My dad who’s 11 years older than mom is heartbroken without her. They were married for 56 years. He’s on anti depressants & has other health problems as well. It breaks my heart to see him in so much pain. We sisters are last without mom, our best friend, our rock. This year too we haven’t celebrated any occasion. But it wasn’t as hard as the first year. I know it’ll never be the same without our lost loved ones; the special occasions don’t seem special without them. We’ll just have to find a new normal now, a different way to get thru them.

Hang in there. It’ll get less painful with time. You’re not alone.

[blujonny]

I lost my father...just over 2 years ago. I sometimes still struggle with the whole back and forth of everything that ever was and what remains. My mind still runs deep with anxiety and I have to admit it's not like anything I've ever dealt with before. I keep trying to manage it all, like I'm trying to look ahead but yet there's so much of me who wants to turn the vehicle around and use all my power to try and rescue things again. How can I move forward in a world...a life that I no longer feel so emotionally connected to. It's like I find myself asking myself 'Is this all real?' Surely they're still somewhere, here on earth, even if I'll never see them again. I have a childlike pain that trickles through me...sometimes it pours through my heart and I can't even come to terms with the confusion within, the strain, the guardedness of my emotions, the need to be led to a place of emotional familiarity once again. It's like I feel my shoulders drop, my head turn towards my chest and at once I feel alone. Compared to before, will it ever be the same again? Yes, I ask myself the same question. It's like I want a book to remind myself how to feel normal again. But it's all so different. It's like if I want to I can still remember, it's like they're still in our lives...somewhere visually in our minds and yes, the memories are still fresh somehow. I want to wrap my arms around myself and remember his adoring...his face against mine...the way he would smile at me when I walked through the door. All those things full of meaning.... love, brightness, cloudy days but yet the security of knowing that he was still here and his emotional presence in my life was still fluid...very much so. I want to feel it all again. I find it hard to not be afraid to think of memories but without the rising darkness right behind it. I don't know if it's something that will take time or if I ever will be able to feel the positivity without the pain...ever again. I'm still here...I still mean something because obviously I carry a lifetime of learning from him...we have the same DNA...people even say 'You remind me so much of your father.' Is that supposed to be comforting? Maybe it is. But I mean, is it really about having all the answers? I still love the person and surely that part has to go on, regardless of what anyone else thinks. Underneath it all I have to be thankful of what they meant to me and that I had the good fortune of knowing such a unique individual just like we all have the same privilege somehow. I guess I just have to move forward, for now, for always, for all time.

[karebear]

I hear a lot of people saying that it won't be as hard after the first year, I sure hope that is true because this first year is an emotional hell. I have never been so badly depressed as since dad's death. Not only am I finding the grief heavy but I can't seem to handle a lot of the trials of life this year. Each change is devastating and I find myself feeling so isolated and hopeless. At other times I am fine which makes me think I am crazy because how is it that I am fine on occasion and so depressed on another occasion. Day to day is like a teeter totter and I am really hoping it will get better after the first year.

[blujonny]

I think sometimes the amount of thoughts running through our heads after a loss, on a daily, even hourly basis nonetheless, is overwhelming even for those who have the right kind of outlets to express what they're feeling all the time. It's plain and simple emotional overwhelm and it definitely leads us to a place of drain and darkness, eventually just plain exhaustion. I think our minds do their best to cope, after all they are designed for survival, but confusion sets in when they are left to try to handle emotional overload without any outside help. Different days mean focusing on different things and maybe that's the reason for the ups and downs. If we could always express in every moment how we are feeling to people we trust and to people we feel can truly empathize I think all of us would feel a lot different about the grieving process.

[stillfighting431]

Hope you’re doing better karebear. Change is devastating & it does make you feel hopeless & alone. I have my good days & bad days too. You’re not going crazy, we’re all going thru the same thing. We can keep our sorrow at bay for only so long & then it floods back leaving us in pieces. The pain will eventually become bearable but it never goes away.

I’m so sorry for your loss blujonny. I too terribly miss the security of my mom’s soothing presence, her reassuring smile, her loving hug that would melt all my troubles away. I keep going over everything that happened before mom’s death, questioning all my decisions & actions, wondering if I’d done this or that, perhaps she’d still be alive. Yes it is emotional overload as our mind continually keeps processing our loss & how it affects every aspect of our lives. Everyone needs an outlet for these emotions but usually people around us don’t want to discuss the loss after a period of time. They want closure & to get back to their lives. But the few of us who’re rattled to the core by the death of our loved one, no longer know how to live our life the way we used to before because a big part of our life & even ourselves died with our loved one. We’re no longer the people we used to be & so there is no going back to the way the things used to be.

As for me I usually try to bury my pain deep inside all day, all thru the waking hours since I don’t want to depress others by talking about it. But lately I’ve been having terrible nightmares about mom’s death, dad’s illness & other thoughts that bother me. For two nights in a row my sister has been walking me up in the early morning hours because I’ve been crying & talking in my sleep. I know I shouldn’t keep my feelings bottled up & should talk about my pain so that my subconscious doesn’t have to find ways to let it out but I don’t know how. Dad’s already on anti depressants & has other health issues. My sis is herself struggling with her own grief. The rest of the near & dear ones think that it’s been long enough & I should move on by now, but I’m stuck. Losing mom has shattered my world & my soul. Accepting her loss & moving on is an uphill struggle that’s going to take a lot of time, tears & effort.