I am new here, but not new to the pain of loss...

[mikesmomrs]

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(the picture by my sign in info is of my son, Mike...he left this earth in October of 2006, and I have been on Loss of an Adult Child since shortly after that. This is the avatar that I have used. I will try to fiind out how to change it for this forum.)

Hello..I am so very sorry for the loss that those of you who have posted here have endured. I recently loss my husband, Mike, from pancreatic cancer. DRINWI: we are very close in time to each other's loss. This is my first time on this thread, and I wasn't quite sure where to "jump in." I have been on "loss of an adult child" now for almost six years, when our son, Mike, died in October of 2006, from brain cancer. On that forum, we mostly stay on the same "thread," though I've noticed here that many threads have been started, so I hope I don't do the wrong thing by posting somewhere that I shouldn't be. I have now lost my soulmate...my wonderful husband, Mike. He passed on August 30, 2012. He had fought kidney cancer in 2010, and after they removed one of his kidneys, he healed and did very well. Then in November of 2011, he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. They tried surgery, after the radiation, etc., but found it wrapped around an artery and could not remove it. However, the doctors told us that he likely had a "good year, and possibly even two," considering how everything looked, i.e., no other cancer seen. That was on May 7. On August 30 he was gone. He was in the hospital from June 30 to August 29. I stayed with him all the time, coming home only to do laundry now and then. He just never seemed to get any better, and then finally, we brought him home, as he did not want to die in the hospital. He knew he was coming home to die, and we were so blessed that we were able to make that happen. He had not been able to speak or make any meaningful movements for 2 days, but when the EMT's brought him into our home and placed him in the bed that our children had already set up for him, blessedly, he knew where he was. He looked at me and said "Help" and pointed to his nose, indicating he wanted the cannulla for the oxygen to help him breathe. As soon as it was in place, he started looking around and as the family came up to his bedside, he touched their hand, put his hand on their arm, spoke a sound or two to each of them. He also kept touching his chest with the flat of his hand, twice, and would look at me. I had figured out earlier that morning that when he did that, he was telling me "I love you." We had about one and a half hours of that "rally" and he went to sleep. When he opened his eyes a few hours later, he was "gone," as he could not respond any longer and never communicated again. He passed at 8:30 the next morning. I have so many good memories of our 48 years together, but right now, all I can do is cry. As you said about your church time today, MIKE, I also just cry in church. My oldest daughter, who lives in VA (I am in NH) has been with me for almost a month now but will be going home soon. She has helped me be able to walk into church, and I have yet to go alone.

DRINWI: you said "I find myself wanting time to pass more quickly so I could be farther ahead in this process," and i can so relate to that. I've learned from grieving for our son, that you do have to walk through this journey; you cannot go around it, over it, or deny it. It is there. We do have to walk through it, as that is the only way that we can come to a time in our lives when we can actually see healing, and yes, it would be better if we could wish time to move faster. Losing our son changed our lives very much, and the pain was unbearable. This pain is different, but I don't know the words to describe how. It certainly isn't any less, but it seems sometimes that it isn't as much of a "kick in the gut" feeling; it is more a feeling of profound loss, the missing is horrendous, but I don't need to tell anyone here that, do I?

I have found much comfort, healing and understanding on the "Loss of Adult Child" thread, and I have been reading this forum for a few days now, and you all seem to be so understanding and comforting to one another, which is what I've always experienced on the Loss of Adult Child thread. I do hope that I can "fit in" and not only receive comfort and understanding, but give it as well. Time. Time is the essence of how we move through this, and as I've noticed some of you saying, it is truly different for everyone. Right now I am trying to cope with each hour that seems to burn with sorrow. Sometimes I get to feeling so anxious that I feel as though I might throw up. My tears are frequent, still, but I've learned that tears are healing, and if I need to cry, I do.

I know that all of our stories are different, but they all carry the same theme...we are all suffering a terrible loss. We all understand the pain that each of us is feeling.

I have started sitting in my husband's chair because I cannot stand to sit across the room and look at it empty. It is a large chair that kind of wraps around me, and sometimes I almost feel as though he is holding me when I sit in it.

Please know that I will keep all of you in my prayers...my faith (and my children) is what has helped me through these painful times in my life, and I honestly don't know what I would do without it as it has helped sustain me through so much. The support offered here, though, is also very helpful, as I am sure those of you here have already found, and I know that it has helped me during the time following the loss of our son.

This is a picture of Mike and me, taken early spring of this year, about a month before his surgery.

[val]

My dearest one - welcome. You are in the right place. Do not worry about fitting in ; you'll fit in perfectly. It sounds like you have lessons you can teach us, from the loss of your son Mike. I am sincerely sorry for the losses of both your Mike's. I lost my husband July 5 2012. He blessedly passed in his sleep, at home. I can only write that now, almost three months later. You know how to use the forums and Chat and pls use it just as you did for son Mike. No words can express how I felt as I read your post. Your phrase "you cannot die because I died" already registered with me. You have so much you can teach us while at the same time, letting us support you around the death of your husband, Mike. My prayers go out to you and your family. I too sit and cry through church. Please keep posting and God Bless you. You are in the right place. Peace, Val