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Mrssumr   

I kind of have guilt like I should have done more for her and I did not tell her all I wanted to. I now have a journal and I write to her I also just talk to her when I am having a bad time which is a lot. I miss her so very much and would do anything to have her back. All that keeps me going now is thinking that we will be reunited someday. I am 36 so I would imagine it is going to be a long time before that happens but it's all that keeps me going right now. I also have 2 small kids that lift me up when I am down and keep me from really going to a dark place I am lucky to have them and I am trying to be a good Mom to them as my Mom was to me.

I hope you find some sort of release for the guilt you can't let it hold onto you as I feel it will just eat away and that is not good. I would imagine your parent would not want you feeling that way.

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Yes I have guilt many of us do, i heard it is normal. I had a lot of guilt because I cam back to NJ and the hospital here told me she needed to be in a nursing home and that was the wrong decision. She caught mrsa and pneumonia in there so i felt terribly guilty. Had I stayed where i was it may not have happened, however i now realize she was weak and her time was near. I was trying to stop and prevent it, by giving her vitamins, feeding her, etc, but i was exhausted.

So as you can see at first i felt like it was my fault then i realized it was in gods hands. Now after 4 months i feel much better but i still hold a lot of anger at the people who said she should remain in the hospital/nursing home because she was better off. She wasn't eating for them and they wouldn't tell me. It was awful, but death usually is not pretty.

I try not to think about this stuff, just today i was firing off emails to a few individuals who i feel are responsible. I have to make peace and get on with my life. Mom was 87, I will be lucky to live to 75. I am 53 now, some days i wish i could go with her and be out of this lonliness i feel without her.

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There are many times I wish I could go be with mom. I want my dog to go with me also. I know that is not what God wants. I have cried a lot today. I have felt lonely. I wish mom could hug me.

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