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lostwithouthim22710

i feel stuck

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the love of my life passed away in february it has been 7 months but everyday i feel like it happened yesterday. i am so angry and just don't feel like i can do anything without him he was my best friend as well as the love of my life. There are so many unanswered questions about that night so many lies and broken promises. he passed away in a motorcycle accident and yes alcohol was involved he was a United States Marine. He was very intelligent and goofy and caring and loving,funny he was perfect in my eyes and i loved him more than anything. I spent everyday with him so waking up without him next to me breaks my heart a little more everyday. his passing was very sudden one minute he was there the next he was gone and nobody could tell me what happened. It became all he said she said nobody really knows what happened that night. i contemplate suicide everyday i won't do it because i don't think i will wind up back with him and i couldn't do that to his mom or my family. but the pain i feel everyday is so overwhelming everybody says it will get better but i just feel stuck i feel like i'm looking out a window and everything is passing me by but i can't move. I never got a chance to tell him how much i loved him, we had a very very complicated relationship but we always made it through everything and we had overcome the biggest problem right before he passed away i had just got the chance to think oh my god he is actually mine and everything was finally going to work out but then he passed away. i don't know what to do without him honestly i try to live my life but i just feel like without him its pointless.my heart and soul are with him, when i met him before i even knew his name i knew that i was supposed to be with him and it just breaks me down so much. i want to talk to him and tell him i love him and i always have i want to be back with him and i just don't know what to do anymore. the pain doesn't go away there isn't a second of any day that passes where i'm not thinking about him and missing him more and more. he was young and had so much going for him and we had our future ahead of us and then the next thing i know he was gone and i was broken i feel like i died with him because my heart and soul are with him and i long to be back with him. i feel stuck and don't know what to do. i tried therapy but it only made me angry. i'm trying this out because i feel like nobody understands what i'm going through.

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Hi,

It's been 3 weeks and 2 days since the love of my life passed away at the age of 35. We too had decided only at the beginning of the year that we were going to have a child and I picked out rings that I wanted for when we got married. All those feelings you have I've been having too. So far I'm feeling worse and worse every single day. I had a dream last night that his mother was arguing with his father about one of his habits that she hated. I told her that she should be happy to have someone whose idiosyncracies you know so well that they drive you crazy. I woke up thinking about all of Alwyn's little habits and quirks. I hate that I'll never see him do those things again or hear him say certain things. I don't really have any advice as this is all so new to me and I'm still so shocked that he's gone. I've been staying with my parents but have gone back to our apartment a few times and hate looking at all his stuff that is just waiting for him. I've started writing letters to him as one of the self-help books I read suggested it... but I'm not sure if it's helping or hurting me. I feel like he's still alive when I write to him, like he somehow still exists and I find it comforting to get that connection with him. But when I close the book and go on with life without him in it it's absolutely excruciating. I cry and cry and cry as complete anguish comes over me in waves. I started a bereavement group where I've found someone my age whose 35-year-old fiance died 6 months ago. Speaking to her at least made me feel less like an alien. I asked at the end of the group session if this is it; is this just never going to get better? A woman whose 34-year-old daughter died suddenly a year ago said that it's not that it gets better - the space between those horrible waves of sadness start getting longer and longer. Right now this doesn't seem possible to me and I can't bear to even think he's even gone at all yet... but that's what she's said and she has had a bit more experience than I do in grief. I'm not sure of how different it is between losing an adult child or your partner (a child you've known all his/her life but a partner is in every single aspect of your life and there's no escaping the reminders), but I know her grief is incredibly real and painful as well. I'm also trying not to think of the future right now as the grief councellor suggested. It's just too overwhelming. I'm nowhere near ready to rebuild and it sounds like neither are you. She said the only thing you can do right now is to breathe and have one good moment a day, only 60 seconds. If you get more than that then bank the time. This is all fine and great right - but it's not bringing him back and deep down that's all I really "need".

One thing I've been told about therapy though is that it may take a few tries to find the right person for you. Maybe a different grief councellor would make more sense to you? Just a thought.

-Kat

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the love of my life passed away in february it has been 7 months but everyday i feel like it happened yesterday. i am so angry and just don't feel like i can do anything without him he was my best friend as well as the love of my life. There are so many unanswered questions about that night so many lies and broken promises. he passed away in a motorcycle accident and yes alcohol was involved he was a United States Marine. He was very intelligent and goofy and caring and loving,funny he was perfect in my eyes and i loved him more than anything. I spent everyday with him so waking up without him next to me breaks my heart a little more everyday. his passing was very sudden one minute he was there the next he was gone and nobody could tell me what happened. It became all he said she said nobody really knows what happened that night. i contemplate suicide everyday i won't do it because i don't think i will wind up back with him and i couldn't do that to his mom or my family. but the pain i feel everyday is so overwhelming everybody says it will get better but i just feel stuck i feel like i'm looking out a window and everything is passing me by but i can't move. I never got a chance to tell him how much i loved him, we had a very very complicated relationship but we always made it through everything and we had overcome the biggest problem right before he passed away i had just got the chance to think oh my god he is actually mine and everything was finally going to work out but then he passed away. i don't know what to do without him honestly i try to live my life but i just feel like without him its pointless.my heart and soul are with him, when i met him before i even knew his name i knew that i was supposed to be with him and it just breaks me down so much. i want to talk to him and tell him i love him and i always have i want to be back with him and i just don't know what to do anymore. the pain doesn't go away there isn't a second of any day that passes where i'm not thinking about him and missing him more and more. he was young and had so much going for him and we had our future ahead of us and then the next thing i know he was gone and i was broken i feel like i died with him because my heart and soul are with him and i long to be back with him. i feel stuck and don't know what to do. i tried therapy but it only made me angry. i'm trying this out because i feel like nobody understands what i'm going through.

Lostwithouthim,

There are people here who are facing similar tragedies. They will be able to help you. I am so sorry you are going through this ordeal. Do you have anyone at home--mother, father, sister, friend, his family--anyone to talk to? If not, we will talk to you. There are people here who need you, too! They want to share with you and listen and help. Please come as often as you want and post as much as you want. We will be here waiting for you.

ModKonnie

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Lostwithouthim,

There are people here who are facing similar tragedies. They will be able to help you. I am so sorry you are going through this ordeal. Do you have anyone at home--mother, father, sister, friend, his family--anyone to talk to? If not, we will talk to you. There are people here who need you, too! They want to share with you and listen and help. Please come as often as you want and post as much as you want. We will be here waiting for you.

ModKonnie

I have my mom here but i just can't talk to her because i get frustrated with at what she has to say because i feel like she doesn't understand what i'm going through. its been super hard on her because we are very close but i just get frustrated and hate seeing her upset because she can't help me and i can't help that i get frustrated because she doesn't understand. i love her dearly she is my best friend but she gets upset when i tell her how i feel and then i get upset so i just stop talking and even my friends just get upset about how bad i feel and don't want me to talk about it because they don't like seeing me upset, i don't know what to do. i'm used to having Izzy, which was my partner to talk to he was my best friend that i could talk to about anything and he didn't get frustrated or anything he helped me through everything i just miss him and am having trouble finding somebody who understands. I was using this site to see if i could just find somebody to talk to about things that understands and doesn't get frustrated. Thank you so much.

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Hi,

It's been 3 weeks and 2 days since the love of my life passed away at the age of 35. We too had decided only at the beginning of the year that we were going to have a child and I picked out rings that I wanted for when we got married. All those feelings you have I've been having too. So far I'm feeling worse and worse every single day. I had a dream last night that his mother was arguing with his father about one of his habits that she hated. I told her that she should be happy to have someone whose idiosyncracies you know so well that they drive you crazy. I woke up thinking about all of Alwyn's little habits and quirks. I hate that I'll never see him do those things again or hear him say certain things. I don't really have any advice as this is all so new to me and I'm still so shocked that he's gone. I've been staying with my parents but have gone back to our apartment a few times and hate looking at all his stuff that is just waiting for him. I've started writing letters to him as one of the self-help books I read suggested it... but I'm not sure if it's helping or hurting me. I feel like he's still alive when I write to him, like he somehow still exists and I find it comforting to get that connection with him. But when I close the book and go on with life without him in it it's absolutely excruciating. I cry and cry and cry as complete anguish comes over me in waves. I started a bereavement group where I've found someone my age whose 35-year-old fiance died 6 months ago. Speaking to her at least made me feel less like an alien. I asked at the end of the group session if this is it; is this just never going to get better? A woman whose 34-year-old daughter died suddenly a year ago said that it's not that it gets better - the space between those horrible waves of sadness start getting longer and longer. Right now this doesn't seem possible to me and I can't bear to even think he's even gone at all yet... but that's what she's said and she has had a bit more experience than I do in grief. I'm not sure of how different it is between losing an adult child or your partner (a child you've known all his/her life but a partner is in every single aspect of your life and there's no escaping the reminders), but I know her grief is incredibly real and painful as well. I'm also trying not to think of the future right now as the grief councellor suggested. It's just too overwhelming. I'm nowhere near ready to rebuild and it sounds like neither are you. She said the only thing you can do right now is to breathe and have one good moment a day, only 60 seconds. If you get more than that then bank the time. This is all fine and great right - but it's not bringing him back and deep down that's all I really "need".

One thing I've been told about therapy though is that it may take a few tries to find the right person for you. Maybe a different grief councellor would make more sense to you? Just a thought.

-Kat

Everybody says because i am young which i know i am but to me age is just a number how you feel doesn't exactly mean just because i am young i can't truly love somebody i am so sorry to hear about your loss. i know how you feel about the little quirks i relive every memory i have with him all the time and i laugh and cry at the same time because i remember how happy i was and hate that he is no longer with me and we won't have anymore memories together. we had our whole life together and all of a sudden he was gone. i to at first didn't believe it i still haven't fully accepted that he is really gone. i go to bed every night and hold his t-shirt and just hope that i'm going to wake up and it will all be a bad dream and then i wake up and all of it is real and i have to relive it. its just really hard and they tell me that time heals everything but to me time isn't going to bring him back unfortunately so i just get frustrated. it does get a little better over time but at the same time i will not lie to you it is insanely hard and every day is a struggle to be completely honest. its a good thing that you got a grief counselor. and i don't know i'm a very hard case so i don't think it will help with a new grief counselor because i do get angry and frustrated easily. this website honestly helps a little because even though every relationship is different i feel like i found some people who understand to some extent what i am going through and what i'm feeling. i hope things get better. i think it helps having people who somewhat understand to talk to so if you need somebody to talk to i'm here i am broken too but i found it helps having somebody to talk to that understands what its like.

much love and aloha,

-Arielle

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LostWithOutHim-

Hello! My name is Kelly and I am the CEO/President of the company. I wanted to drop by and give you a "hug" and give you a few suggestions about your loss. Loss at any age sucks weather you are young or old. You know right now that every moment and every breathe is painful. Since it has been seven months since your loss I suggest you go see a therapist. Why? Because after six months after a loss you should be starting to feel better and it doesn't sound like you are feeling better. Your loss is not just a loss but a jumble of other struggles you are trying to resolve in your mind about this relationship. Plus since you are young you are struggling with the "this shouldn't be happening to me issue". A therapist might suggest you go on some medication to make the big black hole in your heart not so black and not so deep. Please take them as they are prescribed. No more and no less.

Keep talking here. Talking is one of the best therapies to other people who have walked this journey. They can help you get through it. Remember to eat REAL food and drink lots of water. Walks outside are excellent as well. Please shower or bath once a day and dress nice even if you don't feel like it.

Also I am glad to see you aren't going the suicide route. It is senseless and it won't stop your pain. It will only cause pain to others in your life. Your family will be feeling worse pain then you are now (TRUELY!) if you commit suicide. If you don't believe me hop over to the loss of an adult child board under loss of an adult child and see what these parents go through each moment without their child. You want to feel better not make others hurt more.

Plus, as you start to heal you might start seeing after death communications from your loved one. Go and read the After Death Communications board in the belief section and see what others have experienced. However if you are twisted up in your own grief you won't be able to "see" and "hear" what he is trying to tell you.

You can do this. We have faith in you.

Kelly

Everybody says because i am young which i know i am but to me age is just a number how you feel doesn't exactly mean just because i am young i can't truly love somebody i am so sorry to hear about your loss. i know how you feel about the little quirks i relive every memory i have with him all the time and i laugh and cry at the same time because i remember how happy i was and hate that he is no longer with me and we won't have anymore memories together. we had our whole life together and all of a sudden he was gone. i to at first didn't believe it i still haven't fully accepted that he is really gone. i go to bed every night and hold his t-shirt and just hope that i'm going to wake up and it will all be a bad dream and then i wake up and all of it is real and i have to relive it. its just really hard and they tell me that time heals everything but to me time isn't going to bring him back unfortunately so i just get frustrated. it does get a little better over time but at the same time i will not lie to you it is insanely hard and every day is a struggle to be completely honest. its a good thing that you got a grief counselor. and i don't know i'm a very hard case so i don't think it will help with a new grief counselor because i do get angry and frustrated easily. this website honestly helps a little because even though every relationship is different i feel like i found some people who understand to some extent what i am going through and what i'm feeling. i hope things get better. i think it helps having people who somewhat understand to talk to so if you need somebody to talk to i'm here i am broken too but i found it helps having somebody to talk to that understands what its like.

much love and aloha,

-Arielle

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Everybody says because i am young which i know i am but to me age is just a number how you feel doesn't exactly mean just because i am young i can't truly love somebody i am so sorry to hear about your loss. i know how you feel about the little quirks i relive every memory i have with him all the time and i laugh and cry at the same time because i remember how happy i was and hate that he is no longer with me and we won't have anymore memories together. we had our whole life together and all of a sudden he was gone. i to at first didn't believe it i still haven't fully accepted that he is really gone. i go to bed every night and hold his t-shirt and just hope that i'm going to wake up and it will all be a bad dream and then i wake up and all of it is real and i have to relive it. its just really hard and they tell me that time heals everything but to me time isn't going to bring him back unfortunately so i just get frustrated. it does get a little better over time but at the same time i will not lie to you it is insanely hard and every day is a struggle to be completely honest. its a good thing that you got a grief counselor. and i don't know i'm a very hard case so i don't think it will help with a new grief counselor because i do get angry and frustrated easily. this website honestly helps a little because even though every relationship is different i feel like i found some people who understand to some extent what i am going through and what i'm feeling. i hope things get better. i think it helps having people who somewhat understand to talk to so if you need somebody to talk to i'm here i am broken too but i found it helps having somebody to talk to that understands what its like.

much love and aloha,

-Arielle

Hi again Arielle,

I know what you mean about the waking up part. I hate it so much - that moment when you remember. I also know about how it's hard to find someone to talk to and how your mother and friends get upset with you. About a week after Alwyn died I had a huge fight with my mom. She was getting frustrated with me because she didn't know how to "fix" me. That whole time was a blur to me anyway and all I remember doing was sitting on the couch watching mindless tv all day. She started pushing me to do other things, bombarding me with suggestions which, in that state, was completely overwhelming. She just hated seeing me so sad and wanted to help but didn't know how. I think I finally got through to her when I told her that I appreciated what she was doing, that I knew how hard it must be to see me in pain and being unable to fix it, but that she'll have to accept that I cannot be fixed. This will not go away by doing some gardening or taking a class. And to please stop asking me questions about what I need as I am not the expert in how to handle a grieving person. All I know is that I am destroyed. If she wanted to know how to help then she should do her own research. Go online and get suggestions! Find a book on the subject! Finally she went online and found advice that resonated with her; something about how she can't comfort a person in grief, she can only try to not cause any more discomfort. She's been trying to do that.

I find it amazing that someone would say that if you're young you can't love. As you know, the horrible pain you're in is absolutely real and it must be frustrating hearing someone tell you it's not. Not only did I love Alwyn with every inch of my being, I also lost my entire future when he died. My whole world was obliterated.

Another benefit of having a grief councellor though is it does provide a way to help you get heard by your mom or your friends. As someone suggested to me, sentences that start with "My grief councellor says... " seem to be taken more seriously. One peice of advice my grief councellor also gave me is that I had to tell my friends, in a way that's not offensive, when they said or did things to hurt me. If not they'll just keep on doing it. One of my friends in particular was driving me crazy telling me what I "need" to do. Even if she was right, I hated hearing it as how could she possibly have a clue what I need? When did her love-of-her-life die? Starting with "I know you don't mean to and that you're only trying to help, but this hurts me because..." worked wonders. Although I did have to repeat it again a few times. Especially when she said "at least it's the right season to be grieving as it's the fall". What?!? I'm supposed to be grateful that he died in the fall because the trees are dying too?! Well, he was 35 years old! This is not a natural cycle of life! Then again, anyone who tries to get me to look on the bright side of things just irritates me now. I have to tell them again that I want to be able to get there one day but that I'm just not there yet and they have to accept that.

I'm sorry that you are having trouble finding a good support system. Did you try reading some books on the subject? Again, "my grief councellor says" that not everyone finds them helpful but I find they've been helping me at least understand what I'm feeling a bit better. Also, I got this suggestion from someone in my bereavement group, when I finish a book I give it to my mom to read. That's been helping her understand this a bit better too.

Either way, I'm still miserable and this sucks.

Hang in there and I'll try to as well,

kat

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