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My mom died suddenly on Friday February 9th 2018. I can't breathe. I don't know what I am doing. I can't describe this feeling I have. She was 55. I am 28.

You see, shes been suffering from MS, diabetes, a heart condition and was always struggling with over the counter meds. Was an alcoholic when I was younger. For years I took care of her. I moved close to her and would do just about anything For her. These last 2 years have been some of the best and worst of my life. First off she was notorious for not taking csre of herself. They first few years of her diabetes diagnosis was incredibly rough. She didn't change her diet, never took her meds. It became so critical she went into sever renal faliure and almost died. She started doing better but then got diagnosed with MS. The muscles in her legs started to fail and one day she fell. Hit her head. I found her on the floor and I thought then she was dead it was over. But they brought her back to me again and we had 2 great years. The best I've seen her. Had some amazing times together. 

So when this happened I thought it would be the same. When I came by she looked asleep. Nice and peaceful so I was going leave her be. Something screamed at me to check her. She wasnt breathing. No pulse. I called 911, they talked me through CPR. They arrived, took over and I waited in the hall. That was it. 20 min of trying and she was gone. I can't stop thinking about what I could have done. I didn't called her for 2 days, I saw her 3 days before and she said she wasn't feeling well but she had a doctors appointment coming up and not to worry. I know I can't think of all the "what if" but I can't help it. 

And now shes gone and I have no idea what the hell I am doing. One minute I am okay, then I cant breath. I cry till theres nothing left. Then I feel empty and my thoughts are everywhere. I don't know what life is going to be like with out my mom. She was my best friend. A rocky relationship but we had each others backs. She was the strongest person I have even known and I can't do this without her. I feel like there's a huge hole and everything is just pouring out of it. You would think knowing shes not suffering anymore would help. Sometimes I does. But then it doesn't and just want her here. I don't know what I am doing.

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Dear Crash,

I'm so sorry, I know the sorrow and pain is unbearable right now.

Please know you did the best you could.

Thinking of you. Sending you love and hugs.

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On 11/02/2018 at 2:58 PM, reader said:

Dear Crash,

I'm so sorry, I know the sorrow and pain is unbearable right now.

Please know you did the best you could.

Thinking of you. Sending you love and hugs.

Thank you. I feel like I am being torn apart. My anxiety gets so bad. Were going to the funeral home tomorrow to start the process and I am terrified. 

I don't sleep well. I get so scared to go to sleep because in the morning for a brief moment I forget. Then it floods in and it takes me hours to get ready for the day. 

Thank you for listening. It helps. No one I know has lost someone so no can relate to me. I already feel like I am annoying people. 

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Dear crash,

I’m terribly sorry to hear about your loss. It’ll get easier over time. Don’t on the past and best yourself up over the “what if’s”. You didn’t know it would happen, you are not at fault. Your mother sounds like she was a swell lady and wether you believe in reincarnation, heaven, ghosts, etc. she’s with you one way or another: being born into a new body and being in your life through them, or she’s watching over you. Please remember to take care of yourself during these next few days and weeks. I just lost my father the other week, so I understand how it might be hard to remember to eat or shower, or just being too upset to do that or get out of bed. Take walks, drink lots of water, and take nice warm baths. I wish you the best of luck and you and your family are in my thoughts. 

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Dear Crash,

I'm very sorry for your loss. I was in a similar situation 3 months back and can understand what you are going through. I coped with an overwhelming sense of guilt from "what if" questions, by busying myself with my mother's funeral events, and later by binge watching some TV shows. I don't know if its the right suggestion, but I could not bring myself to think of happier times with my mom and not think about the moment I found her unconscious. I still wake up every night, thinking of those fateful moments. So, please take care of yourself. If like me, if you need to divert attention from the tragedy, please do. It helped me.

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Dear Crash,

How are you doing today?

I know its scary making arrangements. I hope a trusted friend or family member is with you.

Please know everything you are thinking and feelings is normal. We are all here with you.

Take care. Thinking of you.

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Just wanted to say Thank you to everyome who has left me a message. It helps. Its been a week and a bit now and I have had a good day and I've had bad days. Before I was surviving minute by minute to hour by hour and now it feels more like day to day. There is the gnawing feeling in me every hour of everyday. Like my center is big hole but I am doing okay. It will never be the same. I know That. But I try and think of how she is no longer suffering and in pain. I believe that somehow she is with me. I have to believe that. My thoughts are still erratic and I am all over the place. But I am surviving. Thanks for listening to me. 

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Dear Crash,

Thank you for coming back and letting us know how you are doing. It is hard. But you are so right and its all day by day. They say grief is like a wave and we all have to prepare a little for the bad days to hit us. Please know we are all here. We will always be here to listen.

Sending my thoughts and prayers.

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Hi Crash, sorry for your loss. My father passed away on the 11th. I never had a big loss like this before, my brother and I are just trying to figure it all out. Hang in there.

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