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I am heartbroken. I am 31 years old and I lost my mother a month ago on 1/7/18. It was sudden and unexpected. She was vacationing in Colombia with my family who lives there. Somehow during the holidays she contracted meningitis and was gone within a week of feeling ill. It was so hard because no one knew what was really going on with her until it was too late. I  was unable to make it to her in time due to Avianca airlines canceling my and my sisters flights. I had to have doctors disconnect her from life support via facetime. That was how I had to say goodbye to my mom. The images of seeing the doctors turn off the machines replay over and over in my mind. I begged her to forgive me for not being there to say goodbye to her. I have this incredible sense of guilt because I encouraged her to go to Colombia for the holidays. I also feel guilt because had she stayed here in the U.S. she would still be alive for me to hold her, kiss her, joke with her, hug her even as silly as it sounds, fight with her. There is also the guilt over feeling like more could have been done for her. I work in a hospital and I feel I could have had a trove of doctors and specialists do everything humanly possible to save her. I don’t feel like the doctors in Colombia caught on to what was happening with her fast enough. Maybe its just me telling myself that but it’s how I feel. 

And then last week, on the 28th I lose my dad... He had been living with COPD for the last couple of years but on the day my mom passed away I was given the news that my dad was at end stage lung disease and that they also found cancer in his lungs. It killed me because while my parents were estranged it would have destroyed my dad to learn my mom had died. Were given less than a week or two before he would pass. It was a nightmare after another. I kept the news of my mom from him untill before he passed away. I wanted him to know that my mom would be waiting for him once he was ready to let go. He passed away two hours after I let him know. I was able to be there for my dad they way I wasn’t able to for my mom. And that too kills me. There is so much more that I can write but I can’t because all I do is cry as I do. I am devastated. I feel as if this is not really happening. As if it was a figment of my imagination or a bad dream I will wake up from. But then as I wake up to another day I have to face the fact that they are both gone. Pratically in the blink of an eye. I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel as if my heart is physically breaking. The sorrow is indescribable. While its four of us sisters who lost our parents I feel so alone. I can barely face a day more without my parents and thinking that I have the rest of my life ahead of me to face without them is almost unbearable. I don’t know what else to do but cry and cry and cry. 

 

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Dear Heartbroken_mish,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I am so sorry for your losses. I know the pain is indescribable. Please know we are all here to listen and support each other.

Thinking of you and your family.

Sending all my thoughts and prayers.

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