Jump to content
Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
  • Announcements

    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

Recommended Posts

I lost the love of my life 8 days ago in a terrible car accident. I was 10 minutes behind her in my truck   And seen a car that look like wife's I got the terrible feeling inside , it was my wife's car  ... the total helpless for not being  able  to do anything.  And just seeing how she was.. I flowed the ambulance to the hospital I should have gone in it with her. If only I knew I was only going to have her with me for a hour longer...  It tears me up inside ... my family dose know what I'm going through.. I just want to cry so bad  but don't have the time  as I'm taking her so her parents can say good bye..  I don't know what to do ... I think only if I would of kissed her or hugged her for 2 seconds 3 seconds longer I would not be sittings here wanting to tear my self apart...  i miss her so much ... she was everything to me. Beautiful inside and out .I was 100% faithful.. we where together 10 years but it only felt like weeks. I don't know what to do ... we live in a state where we have no family ...   I I'm stuck there with our house and my job that I have not gone to scene the accident ...... so depressed  don't know what to do ...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am so sorry...your describing this reminds me of coming upon my sister's accident scene 50 years ago, it killed her three year old and left her quadriplegic.  When something of this magnitude happens, it's life altering, everything is before and after that point.  I am so sorry for your loss.

You are very fresh in this grief.  When my husband died I didn't see how I could live without him for a week, let alone the rest of my life.  It was also a sudden unexpected death, it leaves you reeling in shock.  This is what I've learned in my twelve year grief journey, and I hope even one of these tips will be of help to you.  My grief forum saved my life.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

CPN,

Every time there is a Newbie on this forum, there is this sad sense of deja vu.The feeling of : 'There is another person who has to go through what we went through'.

All of us here on this forum know exactly what you are going through.The pain is unbearable, you want to die too and be with your loved one.You think you are the only one who can feel this awful. How can the world just continue when you have just lost the most important person in your life?

Kay's tips are very good even though you may think that at the moment you can't follow any of them.

We are here with you and for you.We understand how you feel.Here on this forum you will find support.

My husband died 20 months ago.For me the pain has changed.You will not always feel the way you feel now.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

They are tips that are meant for when you are ready...I would start with the "one day at a time" or break it down into an hour or even a minute if that is all you can handle at this time.  Print out and save the tips, review them every now and then, maybe every couple of months or so, little by little you will feel more ready or open to try another one.  Take it as you are able.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

CPN,

I am so sorry for your loss. There truly are not any words that I can say that will help you. Just know that you are not alone. Unfortunately, you have plenty of company.

I will say try not to think of all the "what if's." Thinking about what you might have done differently will drive you insane. If you could have done things differently then you would have. It made my pain so much worse. I consider it a way to torture oneself.

Hang on. Face the pain and embrace it. It is part of this journey. Take your time and remember that we are all here.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The what ifs are killing me ... my brother said that I would have nightmares of the whole thing... but I don't need to be sleeping... I can see the whole thing in my mind  when I am awake ....  I just got back from bearing my wife  in Mexico.... it's so lonely here with out her  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Cpn,

You might want to get some therapy, you could be going through PTSD and might need help with the images haunting you.

50 years ago, I was 15, my family went to Crater Lake in two cars.  My sisters Donna and Peggy were traveling ahead with Donna's three year old and four month old.  No car seats in those days.  My parents, myself, and my six year old sister were about 1/2 hour behind them.  We were going up over 30th Street Freeway in Eugene, OR about a mile from home when all the traffic stopped and was backed up.  We thought, "Oh there's been an accident, poor people."  Said a prayer.  Then as we inched closer, we saw my sister's mangled VW wagon with the baby bed out on the freeway with glass all over.  The ambulances had been and gone.  My mom ran screaming out of the car, my dad had to catch up to her and bring her back.  The police said one was dead, wouldn't say which one.  My parents dropped me and my little sister off at home and headed to the hospital.  Both of my sisters were in a coma, Donna for 4 1/2 months, Peggy for 2 1/2 weeks.  My nephew Jimmy (3 year old) was dead.  Micky, the baby was okay, they kept him overnight for observation.  Peggy came out of her coma like a blithering idiot, sorry, don't know how else to describe it, it scared us to death, we didn't know if she'd be like that for life or what, but she thankfully wasn't.  Her equilibrium was damaged, she had to wear a patch over one eye and switch off every four hours for about a year.  She falls easily.  Donna, however, got the brunt...not only did she lose her child, but it damaged her brain, she became quadriplegic, it crushed her jaw and pelvis, and when they did the emergency tracheotomy at the accident scene to save her life (using a ball point pen tube) they butchered her vocal chords and trach so she has an extremely difficult time communicating and chokes easily.  Right now she is dying because she aspirates food/liquid into her lungs which brings on Pneumonia, and it keeps reoccurring, they won't admit her to the hospital any more, they put her on hospice.  There is much more to the story...Micky was kidnapped by his father when he was four years old...his father had never laid eyes on him so he didn't even know him, he took him to Germany where he didn't know the language, to live with his mistress-turned-wife who resented him and treated him badly.  Micky's father had a severely retarded son that screamed all the time, and that must have been frightening to him as well.

This was my family's huge tragedy, it turned everything in our lives into a "before" and "after" from that point forward.  I will never forget the images I saw that day as we happened upon that wreck.  For YEARS I would get so upset and quiet whenever I saw an accident scene, it brought it all back like it just happened.  In those days no one got treatment, let alone thought of it for their kids, I should have had it.  I no doubt had PTSD, we probably all did.  There are things they can do now to help with those memories, those images.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-using-eye-movement.html 

http://blog.healthjourneys.com/update-from-belleruth/emotional-freedom-technique-eft-may-look-weird-but-if-it-gets-the-job-done-do-we-care.html 

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2010/03/using-emotional-freedom-techniques-eft.html 

I would talk to a grief counselor and see if they could help guide you through it.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/seeing-specialist-in-grief-counseling.html

Meanwhile, keep coming here, we're listening, we care.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 I was having lunch with a friend sitting there and I started to lose it . I started crying and had excuse myself to the restroom  just lost it there just the feeling sadness and sorrow 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now


×