How to go on

[Tammys50]

How do you go on with life. I miss my husband who passed away unexpectedly on December 6, 2017 . He passed away in his sleep at a local nursing home. I keep having flash backs the last time I saw him alive .I just wish he was alive. With our dog who we had to unexpectedly had to put to sleep in July 2017. I am having a hard time with them both being gone. I wish I was with them. Just also got the news my dad was diagnosed with liver cancer. But I keep dreaming of my husband and our dog being healthy . so I know some day I will be with them. And that they are my angels watching over me.

[Lisaislost]

Dear Tammy,

so sorry for your losses. My husband died unexpectedly in his sleep on Nov 6th. My heart breaks every day. I hate the morning the most. Every time i wake up I’m hoping for a different outcome but alas, the nightmare keep repeating itself. I joined a spouse grief group and it’s been good to share my story with others who get it. Keep sharing with us here. We all are grieving our soulmates. Prayers coming your way!

[ARTEST4ECHO]

I am also sorry for all our losses.  I never imagined I would be a widower at 43.  My wife of 18 years passed away unexpectedly on January 5, 2018.  It's been hard trying to find a new routine, especially since my wife was a teacher who took care of the School part of raising my two children.  All of a sudden I have to take over that part.  

Sleep is also hard.  I had to move into the spare bedroom just to get 4 hours sleep.

[KayC]

Tammy,

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband AND your dog, and now the news about your father.  You're experiencing anticipatory grief at the same time as two of the closest relationships you could have, your husband and your dog.  That is a lot.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/04/in-grief-coping-with-multiple-losses.html 

Artest4echo,

I'm sorry for your loss also.  You might want to go to your doctor and talk to him about  your sleeplessness, it's hard enough what you're going through, but add to it lack of sleep and it makes functioning a true challenge.  You've had to take on the full role of raising your children, that necessitates getting a full night's sleep.

I want to make sure both you and Tammy have seen this, I posted it in another thread today, but it's good for people early in their grief journey as sometimes we can feel like we're floundering and don't know how to do this, at least I felt that way.  I am at twelve years out and this is what I've learned throughout my journey:

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Michelene]

I am feeling that, too, today. Trying to keep my head in the day, the hour, the minute, and not look up and see endless emptiness. A very long time to go on feeling hollow. 

I remembered this morning this time my colleague and I went to a conference, and when I got there and unzipped my bag and all these glo-sticks were glowing. I said, What the heck?? and my colleague was laughing and said my husband had done it while I wasn't looking. It made me smile. I would still rather have him here.