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MyMocha

Regret euthanizing my beloved companion of 22.5 years

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 I don't know where to even begin with my story of Mocha.  My beloved companion of 22.5 years.  A kitty I have had since the day she was born in June of 1995.  And though she has dealt with a randomly occurring "episode" throughout the years starting at the age of 5, she has had a wonderful life. Best I could provide.  Her episodes starting with a diagnosis of idiopathic vesitibular disorder...a fancy name for they have no idea whats wrong and came after a 3 day stay in ICU.  But she fully recovered and continued on with a happy life.  These episodes repeated about once a year at most for most of her life but started to increase in frequency in her more elderly years.  Symptoms mainly consisted of sometimes temporary blindness, or stumbling around.  But typically only lasted a few hours to about a day. That's how life went for us until about 8 years ago'ish when she had an event and a vet diagnosed her with diabetes.  So we started daily insulin and went on our way, happy as usual.  She was on insulin for about 3 years and  I decided to find a new vet for her that i felt would provide better care.  And I did.  Soon after a meet n greet she had an episode.  Her new doctor thought she was on her way out and I should "do the right thing".  I knew she was new to him and insisted that she would recover as she always had so I had them run some blood work instead.  It was decided that she no longer had diabetes but she did have moderate kidney disease.  Again the new vet thought we should "do the right thing" since kidney disease in not curable.  I refused and so he started her on Winstrol V injections every 6 weeks to keep good blood flow to the kidneys.  And that has been her treatment every since.  Along the way, a couple years later, she had a series of grand Mal seizures so we had to put her on Phenobarbital 2x per day.  No more seizures since.   Her quality of life has been pretty good all this time.  Yes she had the typical slow down with aging but she seemed still happy and healthy.  Eating, drinking, going outside whenever she wanted to go on her little walks, responsive to love, using litter box when it got too cold out, ect, ect.  And this was the case up until Monday night.  So what have I done!

Her last week: I had noticed that she has doubled her intake of water consumption. Which isn't the best sign.  Plus she had been having some kind of mouth problem everyday starting October 1.  And sometimes it seems that was interfering with eating, but she was eating.  Also she had started losing weight..slowly but consistently. She has always been an 8 pound kitty. But a couple months ago I noticed it felt like she had lost some weight so I took her in to check. The weight loss was confirmed, she had lost a pound, so I increased her daily does of calorie supplement and her vet didn't feel there would be anything else we could do for weight loss otherwise.  I also started getting up throughout the night to make sure she had a steady intake of food around the clock.  She had started acting like she was hungry a lot more even though she was being fed so many times a day.  Unfortunately despite those efforts her weight loss was still continuing. Her last day she was down to 6.8 pounds.  Despite this paragraph of info she was still having a good life and mostly happy.  And then Monday night happened. 

Our day was going pretty normal other than I noticed she wasn't eating as much.  But she was eating some each time I took new food to her. She was drinking and went outside a couple of times to pee. Mostly a fairly normal day. But some signs she wasn't feeling 100%.  She had her dinner around 5pm, went outside, came back in, went back to the safety of her kitty bed.  Around 7ish she got up, this is usually when I give her the nightly dose of seizure med but when i got out of my chair to pick her up I noticed she was not well at all. She was stumbling and vomited the food she had ate a couple hours earlier.  She then rotated between laying in that awful looking meatloaf position, trying to walk - stumbling - then vomiting.  The last time she vomited - 3rd time - she didn't even try to walk away. She almost laid down in it but i picked her up and moved her.  I knew that she was very sick so I put in an emergency call to the clinic.  A different vet was on call that night and when we spoke he didn't feel he could do anything for her so advised us to take her to the emergency clinic a town over if her symptoms worsened.  The fact he was at a basketball game didn't have anything to do with his inability to help her i am sure. Though i realize even though he is a doctor he is still human.  So I decided to try and wait out the night unless things got bad.  Though to be honest I did not feel confident she was going to make it.  So she was hiding under the inn table, more rapid breathing, in discomfort. Randomly she would make a growl like sound. I have no idea if it was due to pain or if it was a defensive reaction due to her sickly state.  But it was a new symptom.  Also she had drool - like stuff hanging from her mouth.  Another new thing that never occurred before.  Even though this was happening to her, she would get up, stumble to the litter box to pee, then stumble back to her hiding place.  Even though i was laying on the floor by her, she  was still making that random sound - about 4 times - until i placed my hand under her little head. Which she responded to by laying her head down in my palm.  This is when the sounds stopped and her breathing became more relaxed over the next little bit of time.  I covered her with a towel to help keep her warm and she started to try and rest.  Though I honestly expected her to stop breathing at any moment. This is how things were until around midnight. She got up, still sick but no longer stumbling and went to drink some water.  She wouldn't walk very far without laying back down in that meatloaf position though so i know she was experiencing a lot of discomfort.  I assume anyway. Around 3am she showed signs of wanting to be fed.  I got her some food and she only ate a few small bites.  Shortly tried a different food and again she ate a few bites.  Still only moving short distances at a time before resuming the meatloaf looking position.  Finally she got up and went over and got in her bed. This was around 4am and I got in my recliner to try and sleep for a bit.  At 5ish i woke and she was up laying in the floor still meat-loafed and looking pretty sick still.  She still acted like she wanted food but at this point i knew i was going to take her in for blood work to see how bad it was and since they sedate her for that i knew she couldn't eat anything.  So at 8:30am on Tuesday I took her to see the vet.  Not her vet, he was not in, it was the guy who took the emergency call.  So we decided to do sedation and blood work and i told him i needed to see the results because i couldn't put my dear kitty down if she might be ok.  So he had me hold her in my arms when he gave the sedative and told me to talk to her till she went off to sleep.  At this point I really must have checked out because i did not treat this moment as potentially her last conscious moment with me.  Though I did hold her and love her until she went off to sleep.  So they took her and had me wait in the lobby until they got the blood collected.  A bit later I was brought back to a room where she was wrapped up in her blanket still out on the sedative sleeping peacefully.  I guess unconscious.  Finally the vet came in with her results and said her kidneys were gone.  Her WBC were high, her platelets were low, bun was high, creatinine was almost high, her diabetes was almost high, and some new kidney test called sdma was just almost off the chart high.  He said she may have a day.  So at this point I am numb and panicked because I didn't want her to suffer.  And they had said that if the results came back bad that I shouldn't even let her wake from the sedative.  And in a very hasty decision I said ok.  This vet euthanizes using the heart-stick method and didn't want me to witness the final shot. Her normal vet does not use that method and I wish I could have found one working brain cell because I would have made a different decision.  But i just said ok. Kissed her one final time and he took her away.  And that's how it ended for my beloved companion of 22.5 years!

I cannot even express the level of regret that I have for that decision.  Every single step of it.  And it was a decision that i can not take back, ever.  I didn't even try to see if antibiotics or anything would work.  I didn't even try to help her recover this time.  I don't know what I was thinking to do such an awful thing.  I didn't even call my husband to give him a chance to say goodbye. It all just happened so fast I couldn't process it enough to make a logical assessment of the situation. I am so heartbroken about what I have done and I know I have to live with it forever.  But after her giving me 22.5 amazing years of friendship I really felt I should have done much much better with her final day. And in all honesty, now that I have reviewed her lab results, it's just as possible that she had a severe infection as she has had that happen previously.

I know this post is really really long and it's doubtful that anyone would bother reading it.  I just can't stop thinking about what I have done.

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Hi there, I know how incredibly sad you are and I am so so sorry for your loss of Mocha. It can be a blur during those moments when you are asked to make a quick decision but please, I truly believe, and I know this is hard, but sweet Mocha was of the age and also very sick.  

I say that only because once you see the signs, (and what you shared from the vet) you know how sick they are because they work very hard at hiding illness. I know the end was not ideal, it is not for most of us. A sudden showing of symptoms followed by a rushed goodbye to end suffering... is what so many of us get. And others are not that lucky. :( 

The alternative, pushing for a little more time, forcing her to endure more meds, tests, and potential suffering was a kindness on your part. I hope you have no guilt, you did what you knew deep down was the "right" thing for her, knowing you'd be the one to have the emotional pain and taking away her physical pain.

I wish there was something I else could say. You did have so many wonderful years (amazing actually!) and you were there with her at the vet til the end. Mocha never doubted your love for a second! What a bond you must have had after all that time.

I hope you are doing okay and know that we understand this loss unlike anyone else. 

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I have read your post through tears as I completely understand the feeling of loss. One thing we all do as animal lovers is the absolute best we can for them in any situation. I don't think you rushed your decision, I think it was the right thing to do. It does not help but 22 and a half is incredible. Mocha is beautiful, stunning markings and such a lovely face. I think it's such a shock when we lose them and we spend so long thinking did I do the right thing at the right time, could I have done it differently? I genuinely believe we do what's right with the information we have and short of being able to see into the future, we do our best with it. I actually think that there almost is not a decision to make. It's based on things out of our control and we have no choice. It's the most difficult thing to experience, I've done it far too many times, once two days ago so I feel your pain. Mocha was very much loved and you had a wonderful, special bond between you. 

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I am so sorry for your loss. I'm struggling to write this as I feel every emotion you have right now. Guilt is an awful component with grief, it can torture you for years.

Just cling to positive thoughts and don't beat yourself up needlessly. you gave her an incredible life and obviously loved her deeply.

The last kindness we can offer our pets is a peaceful end to their suffering. 

God bless.

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Mocha looks so like my Autumn, who passed years ago.  She is beautiful.  My Kitty is 22 1/2, I can imagine your heartbreak.  And of course she has a similar name to my Miss Mocha that I lost 1 1/2 years ago.

I've never heard of a cat being diagnosed with Diabetes and then "getting over it".  Usually with Diabetes animals don't last too long.  My former boss' dog had Diabetes and even with regular care and insulin, only last a year longer.  The kidneys shut down and then there's nothing you can do to make them well again.

All of the "what ifs" we put ourselves through is part of our grief response, we look so desperately for a different outcome, anything to bring them back to us.  But that doesn't happen, it's just us trying to make some sense of something that doesn't and can't make sense.  Grief/loss is so hard to deal with, the most painful thing in the world.  Fortunately grief doesn't stay the same, it evolves, the intensity lessens a bit, or we couldn't stand it.  My heart goes out to you in your pain.  In the beginning thoughts of them bring pain but eventually as we begin to adjust to our altered lives and get more used to this, thoughts of them bring comfort and a smile instead of the tears.  I can't say when that will be, the timeline is different for all of us on our grief journey, only that it usually goes like that.

You did the right thing for your cat by not letting her suffer anymore.  You put her needs ahead of your own, which is what a good mom does.  (((hugs)))

 

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@AJWCat, Ty for your reply.You are so correct about those critical moments being a blur. I do regret not taking a minute to process it all, especially when such a big life changing decision was having to be made. I know whats done is done and there are no do-overs in this situation. I just keep trying to tell myself that from her perspective all she knew was that she was sick just like she had been many other times, I took her to the doctor like i had many other times, she got a shot of medicine like she had many other times, and then she started to feel sleepy and dosed off while i held her.This honestly is all that she knew.  All this extra is all of what I knew and I know she knows I loved her more than anything. And yes we had a very unusual bond between us. Unexplainable really. I miss her so much. She saved my life once:(

I read through what happened to your sweet Courage.  What an awful experience to endure.  I thought it was so great that you had taken your little furry companion on vacation with you and it,s so sad that had to happen. The not knowing what the cause was for certain makes it hard as well.  I know it was a few months back and I hope that you are feeling better and adjusting.  15 years is a long time to spend together and make so many wonderful memories.  Hugs

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@Jencatlover, Ty for reading through Mocha,s story.  I really did not mean for it to turn out quite so long but I also couldn't just post a simple paragraph about her.  Ty also for your supportive and kind words. I did make the best decision I could given the information I was provided at the time.  And though there isn't anything I can do now, in hindsight I really wish I would have taken a few extra minutes to at least process it. I will miss her always as she was just so very special to me.  I wanted to ty most of all for saying she was beautiful. I cried. I know I am obviously bias but I have always thought she was so beautiful so I appreciated hearing so much. She had the biggest eyes and when I would get up in the middle of the night to get her some fresh food, she would be watching for me. All I could see in the darkness was those big beautiful eyes.

I read your post and you have certainly faced many very sad losses.  Your last little man sounded so awesome. He kinda reminds me of my little Leo. He has so many similar characteristics of your late fur-baby. My Leo is a real talker and spoiled just doesn't cover it.  But we found him as a kitten - maybe 3 or 4 months old - out in an ice storm in only 3 degree F temps. He was just crying outside looking for shelter. It was so heartbreaking!  Leo was our second "rescue" and even though my hubby said we were NOT keeping him...he is a very happy 4 year old now, lol.

I love my other two cats, Leo n Chloe, and also my precious dog Belle. And it may seem unfair but my i could combine all three of them and that shared love wouldn't touch what I felt for my precious Mocha. 

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@cwt24, Ty for your response.  I am so sorry to hear that we have this unfortunate experience to share.  The guilt is quite overwhelming.  A person expects the grief to follow a loss but when compounded with making a life decision it really complicates the matter. Especially when you feel you truly made a bad call.  I miss my baby so much and I don't see that getting better too quickly. But I am working toward trying to accept that what is done is done and it seemed that she really went peacefully. I just feel it was too soon, even with her age.  I will have to look for your story as I do not recall it right away.  But I am sorry that you are hurting also.  They become so darn special and leave such big footprints in our hearts!!!

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MyMocha you are welcome, she is a gorgeous looking cat. I have had two tortoiseshell cats in the past ( apologies you may call her something different, in the UK where I am we say tortoiseshell for her pretty colouring ) . Peanut was tortie and white splodges and Poppy was similar to Mocha but with short hair. I love how Mocha's nose is ginger and the rest darker. 

It's so hard to know what to say isn't it? Nothing anybody says helps and sometimes the kindest words make you the saddest because you have to agree but it doesn't change anything. My Bertie went so peacefully too, I did think he would fight it or hiss as he was upset the time I took him before but he was totally calm. It makes me wonder if he knew. If that's true that breaks my heart even more. But then if he was calm and he knew then he knew it was right. 

The truth is there will never ever be a right time and it's very hard to find comfort in much at all. Coming here has helped me a bit, sharing my story and reading others. If we can support each other then we don't feel so alone. It's all we can do.

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@KayC, hi and ty for your response. Regarding the diabetic diagnosis, well that's where most vet's don't hold up very well in my opinion. I think it was a misdiagnosis myself. Luckily she managed the insulin injections without any damage as she was on that medication for 2-3 years.  It was a small dose so maybe we just got lucky.  I found a new doctor for her after that but unfortunately I think finding a vet that knows his butt from his face is about 1000-1 odds when it comes to cats.(sorry i hope that wasn't offensive)  I did like her last regular vet as he wasn't in it for the money and refused to put her through a bunch of unnecessary testing and repeated blood work unless I was insistent on it...which I wasn't and maybe that's one of the reasons things worked out the way they did.  But having a vet who wanted to encourage compassionate care to prevent stress was a unique experience.  It's a shame we ended up seeing the other vet instead of our regular doctor, she may still be with me.

You are certainly right...the what if has almost took me out. Especially now that i feel aware that I was given misinformation and i made a life ending decision because of it.  But there isn't anyway to change the outcome. And I have a small fragment of peace realizing that she didn't know anything was different that day. She knew she was sick, she knew i took her to the doctor, and she knew she was given a shot of medication.  We have done that many times over the last 22 years.  The only thing different is that she got really sleepy this time and fell asleep while i was holding her.  She wasn't aware and I keep having to repeat that to myself.  I am sure I will find acceptance at some point.  Today was a tiny fragment better even though i have cried many many times today still. But the tears are more for missing her instead of the regret of the decision i made. 

I am sorry for all of your losses over the years.  And I think it is pretty amazing we have/had same named kitties and that you still have one same aged as my baby i just lost. Tortoiseshell cats are so beautiful in my opinion. I appreciate your support and it's true that she will never have to suffer.  I love and miss her so much.

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I'm so sorry for your loss. We lost our beautiful girl on the 15th Dec. She'd been going downhill and was a shadow of her former self for a month before.  We made the decision to have her put to sleep and were at peace with it because we didn' want her to suffer or die an agonising death.  We were lucky that the vet came to our home and she died peacefully in her bed. But still I feel guilty. Her last moments were a blur. My dad told me not to cry coz it might scare her so instead I held her face and spoke to her but I have no memory of what I said. After she passed I'd wanted to sit with her for even 5 minutes and hold her close (the month leading to her death she was in pain so I couldn't hold her like I'd always done for fear of hurting her and making her yelp) but seconds after she passed I jumped up and ran to the front door to let the vet out whilst my partner carried our babies lifeless body to the van. I was on autopilot and feel so guilty that I was too cold.  

I guess what I'm trying to say is you will feel some level of miss-guided guilt no matter how it happened. People could say I was lucky that my dog slipped away so peacefully with her mum and dad holding her but even then I feel like I should've done more.

I hope you find your peace. I've had so many messages from my baby since she left (I asked her to send me a message if she could before she went) 

Im sure our babies are up at the bridge playing and waiting for us. Listen and look for signs because they do come xxx

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16 hours ago, MyMocha said:

And I have a small fragment of peace realizing that she didn't know anything was different that day.

She is at peace now, and you're right, she didn't know or understand what was going on, only that you were there with her.  They find some comfort in that!  My dog is sick with his Colitis right now.  Last night he was laying on my bed and I was singing to him, and he reached up and gave me a kiss.  It is our love that they understand.

I pray you find comfort in the days ahead, I know all too well how hard the loss is to go through.

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MyMocha I just read your post( I try to read every post here but sometimes I am late at it). I feel so moved and so sad for your beautiful Mocha. Please don't feel guilty not even for a minute...Making the decision to let them go is so heartbreaking and guilt always follows .But it seems like your baby was ready to go, there was nothing more you could have done and you didn't want her to suffer. She lived a full , amazing life with you, longer than most cats do ( though time with them is never enough ,I know) and she felt your love until the very end. You shared an incredible bond with her, especially after all these years together. This bond is unbreakable. Even if she is no longer physically here her spirit will always be with you. I believe this for all of us and our pets.But I know the pain and the missing is huge...what can I say? I know the void Mocha left in your heart cannot be filled but I hope the company of your other pets will give you some comfort.

 

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I do believe they watch over us, either that or their spirit is around us. I don't think it ever leaves. Sometimes I feel a cold breeze just quickly and then it's gone. No reason for it but there might be. I have had cats do unusual things after a friend has gone, sometimes things that the friend used to do but they never have. I even recall one cat shouting to herself in a voice that sounded exactly like the one that had just gone. Very weird. But the bond between pets must be even closer than ours in a different way and they must understand things differently too. I wonder how they feel when their friend has gone. I posted before I think about my cat Minstrel wandering around my living room, looking like he was searching for one that wasn't there, almost getting it clear in his own mind. He's done that every time one has gone but never any other time.

I may not have posted that actually, I can't remember. It's just so clear that something is amiss and he knows all about it. Aren't they amazing?

Mymocha I hope things are beginning to get easier as time goes on but if not then keep posting, we can all help each other. :)

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@Max79, ty for your response and support. I am so sorry you have suffered loss yourself.  Those last goodbyes are just hard to feel satisfied about.  And the decision to do it comes with a ton of unexpected side effects.  I know my decision to let Mocha go came from wanting to spare of any agony because I loved her so much.  I do still regret my decision but I have a fragment of comfort knowing I did it based on the information I was being fed at the time.  Ty again. Hugs

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@Maria9, ty for your response to my post about Mocha.  Your kind words were appreciated and yes losing them does come with a lot of guilt along with the expected grief.  I know she knows I loved her and I know she loved me back.  That revelation really doesn't make it easier, actually harder because I miss her so much.  It has been 1 week today.  I know from the events in my original post it seems she was ready and it seems it was right.  There is an unfortunate truth that contradicts that and even though i did what i felt was best for her at the time given the information fed to me, that decision was based on a misdiagnosis.  So I still know that she knew i loved her and i know she didn't know that visit was going to be her last few moments of life.  I know a lot of people will still say, well she was old and she lived a very long life.  And although both of those things are true, she should still be here.  But I guess at least she won't ever have to feel sick again.

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MyMocha,

I'm sorry you feel your decision was based on misinformation and that she should still be here.  That's very hard, but like you say, she won't ever feel sick again, and she DOES continue to exist, and you'll be with her again.

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@KayC, well ty for your response but it is far more than just a feeling.  I had a "feeling" at her last visit but the "doctor" insisted with his analysis.  Even though I thoroughly tried to tell him her symptoms were contradictory to "gone kidneys",  as he put it. The SDMA result of 36ug/dl was "the highest he has ever seen" and she had maybe a day,  and it will be really painful for her.  Obviously that news put me into a panic as I would never want my precious companion to suffer.  Unfortunately all that SDMA level said - now that i have had the opportunity to read up on it -  was that she had stage 2 bordering on stage 3 kidney function.  I will post the actual guidelines for it at the end of my response.  The thing here is the fact that the doctor we unfortunately had the option of seeing on that day did not bother to even get her chart or pay attention to the list of symptoms i was reporting.  We were clients for almost 5 years and the chart would have shown that is the exact same kidney function that she has had consistently and unchanged for about 8 years.  The truth of the situation is that her regular doctor took her off insulin in 2015 saying she did not have diabetes, only kidney function loss.  The diabetes was never checked again.  And I believed him when he kept telling me that her occasional recurrent illnesses post that decision were in response to her kidney function.  Well I now have a copy of her last lab work and it clearly showed she had diabetes.  Her symptoms that I told the doctor she exhibited were textbook diabetes.  Her labs and symptoms also showed she was possibly in the early stages of diabetic ketoacidosis. Again textbook. He would have seen that she had been diagnosed and treated for diabetes in the past if he would have taken the time to actually look in her chart.  So what she needed was a doctor who would actually do his job before saying she needed to die.  What she needed was an antibiotic to treat the infection that she had and some insulin.  So yeah, it's hard for sure.  As for your comment that she "DOES" continue to exist....only in my heart and memory.  In regards to my "being with her again", the closest to that i will ever get is when I bring her cremated ashes home in a tiny box sometime this week and place it on my mantle.  My response may seem like i am slightly frustrated and I am.  All I can do now is grieve the loss of my precious friend but these are the facts of what happened.

Measurement Current IRIS Staging IRIS Staging

Over 14 ug/dl

Stage 1 Stage 1

Over 20 ug/dl

Stage 2 but with a low body condition score Treat as if in Stage 3
Over 45 ug/dl Stage 3 but with a low body condition score Treat as if in Stage 4

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@MyMocha I'm so sorry you feel like this, I'm not sure what to say. I wish I had the right words to help but they are only words when all we want are our fur babies back. We do the best with the information we have and we have to trust that it's right. I'm not sure that I could think about the fact that maybe more could have been done for Bertie or any of my others. Sadly you had more experience than me with vet visits and medication so you have more information about what was going on. 

I wish I could say something to ease the pain but from my own experience, I don't think I can and we have to grieve in our own ways. At this stage it's virtually impossible to focus on the many, many years you have together, precious wonderful times. Remember that your beautiful Mocha just thought she was going to sleep, she didn't know differently. I try to hold on to those things but it's hard when all thoughts bring such sadness. Memories are just not enough are they? xx

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I know you are frustrated. I that re-read your post and everything that happened leading up to going to the vet, all the signs. When those things happen, it is usually really bad. We don't know what could have been. Maybe you'd have gotten a little more time w/ treatments and meds. But I wonder, would it have been worth it to take that chance? 

A little more time to have her... but also putting her comfort at risk. Maybe more sickness coming later the next night... Or the next week, have something really go wrong.  

Her little body was coming to the end, when exactly we will never know.  My heart breaks for you because I know how hard this is. And I had an absolutely horrific end for my little guy so I know. It was horrible and I have spent the last 5 months dealing with what happened to him.  

There is a little comfort in knowing that your kitty is at peace and suffered very little at the end and that is something. 

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@Jencatlover, hi and ty for responding.  There really isn't anything to be said and I know the next step is acceptance.  It has just been weighing on me so much because I knew something was missed.  I just knew and I had to know to find the closure i needed to try and move on. I know that finding out what really happened wasn't going to bring her back, but I had to get it figured out.  I will always wish I would have figured it out sooner but it wasn't until this last episode that the symptoms were undoubtedly what they were.  I just didn't catch it in time.  I have comfort in knowing that she didn't suffer and knows i loved her.  Maybe I will be able to just miss her and grieve now. 

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@MyMocha I didn't know your gorgeous cat but from the way you speak about her I have to think she knew how much she was loved every second of every single day. Cats are smart, they know when they've got it good. That's how they know how to wrap us around their finger (or is it paw?) with a single look or action. I know who runs my house and it's not me! (((hugs)))

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@AJWCat, I know that you have made a very valid and logical point.  I greatly appreciate that insight.  I know that just because she managed very well on insulin in the past, that was 2012-2015, it didn't mean that it would have been as successful this time as she was much older.  And I know that you are right about how much more time would it have brought.  Every time i have had to bring her back from an episode I knew it was an increased possibility that a recovery would eventually not come.  Maybe it would have been this time.  Her last episode was in July 2017 and it took the longest it ever had to recover, 5 days before she was back to herself.  I did tell myself after the July recovery to consider how many more times I was going to intervene.  There is a line between extending life and prolonging death...and at some point that line starts to get really thin.  For me it was supposed to be when the treatments greatly impacted the quantity of good days vs bad days...but that would have been in a perfect world.  She was just running playfully through the yard and scratching on her favorite tree a couple days before this last crash.  She still had so many more good days than bad.  When it comes to death I don't think there is a perfect way. It is unpredictable and if you get a chance to even say goodbye it is probably a gift regardless of circumstance.  So many don't even get that and I am trying to remind myself of that as well.  Hugs

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@Jencatlover, i can definitely agree that Mocha, as well as my other 3 remaining pets - though mostly Mocha - rule the roost around here.  None of them have ever been spoiled - ever!  haha

 I am going to post a link to a website that has helped me understand so much about conditions cats like my Mocha tend to suffer from.  It also has a nice grief page if your interested.

http://www.felinecrf.org/coping_with_your_loss.htm

 

 

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