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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
Ka9219

7th month

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M88,

I know it's hard seeing all of this on FB...I see my sisters and friends going off to Hawaii or cruises, traveling Europe...all while I struggle to haul wood, shovel snow, try to pay the bills and am alone at the end of the day.  We're in very different worlds, them and I.  And they don't get it.  They don't get that this could be their life in the blink of an eye.  They take it all for granted.  I wonder what causes the luck of the draw that one person has a charmed life while another knows loneliness and struggle?  No answer to that.

I'm glad for the others, I really am, but I sometimes resent that they don't have a clue, can't begin to understand my life, my world now.  If they lose their job, they still have their husband's income to fall back on.  If they have surgery, they have their spouse to take care of them.  If they need to go to the eye doctor, their spouse drives them.  If they go someplace for a couple of days, their spouse watches their dog.  At the end of the day they have their spouse to talk things over with, to do half the chores, to pay half the bills, to love them and hold them.  They don't spend Christmas alone.  Their birthday doesn't go by forgotten.  And when they can't drive at night, they still have their spouse to drive them.

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I deleted some social media apps for now. I figure i can get back on if i want. I only have twitter and inspirational quotes and scripture that i follow. I need to protect my heart. 

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M88 & KayC,

I can feel your pain.  I remember it was so much hassle to close my husband’s accounts and change his name.  Not to mention you have a complicated legal case.

I felt depressed in the past week.  My sister came from overseas to accompany me for the holidays.  I appreciated she spent time with me, brought me some beautiful Buddhism materials for comfort, talked about kid’s issue.  But I held on my tears because I felt she didn’t have much interest listening to me talking about my husband.  I think she feels I am already back to normal.  I drove her many places to meet her shopping needs.  She was in the travelling mood.  Yesterday my sister left and I went home crying for long time.

I feel nobody understands me even my parents don’t.  The only person who understands me has gone, forever gone.  He died in 2017. Now it is 2018.  Everything moves on but my mind still wants to stop in last year.  I feel so sad, miserable, empty and lonely, ending up I have to call sick today.

I lose the faith that my husband is in the spiritual form.

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Yes, Kay, sadly we live in a very different world to that of our friends now.  I’ve been fortunate in that my friends have been very supportive of me and they do realise that their lives too could change dramatically in the blink of an eye.  Gerry’s death has inspired some of them to make changes in their own lives, now, rather than waiting till retirement.  

Not long before his death, Gerry had advised one of my best, oldest friends, not to leave her long wished for permanent move to Australia, too long. Well, bugger him, she heeded his advice, recently sold up, spent a couple of weeks here with me and left for Australia last Saturday.  I miss her already, but am happy for her that she is doing what she’d wanted to do for a long, long time.  

Various other friends are having the overseas holidays they planned to have in retirement now, rather than wait.  I am both happy for these guys, but envious.  One couple was even more inspired do their travel now as their best man (in his early 50’s) recently died sudenly of a heart attack.

One thing I have found frustrating, is that others don’t understand how much my darlings death has impacted on my finances.  I would actually love a holiday., need a hoiiday!  A lazy couple of weeks on a Pacific Island sounds darned good to me right now.  I don’t have the health to go anywhere yet even if I could afford it.  Am looking at maybe two major ops this year.  

I know you too battle with physical health problems and don’t know how you cope with the hard realities of maintaining your home, your yard, keeping your fire going!!  I also understand you don’t have a choice but to keep soldiering on as best you can.  I admire your resilience.  Me?  because of this new driving phobia,  I will need to sell the lovely wee retirement home we worked so hard for and renovated to suit my ailing health, and live closer to the city so I can attend hospital appointments. 

Lisa, I do understand why you’ve done away with some social media.   Now that we’ve had some media publicity over the driver being sentenced for killing my man,  I created a fb page so others who find themselves unsupported by the authorities when in a similar situation to me, can easily make contact.  It’s hard to resist reading some of what comes through from friends and family.   Some funny cat videos were posted by a friend last night - these made me laugh, even in my depressed mood.  I’ve decided I’ll look at vids like these more often. 

Oh, LoveD, the painful memories of changing names and closing bank accounts seem to remain sharp forever.   Very tough going as it brings home to us exactly how final our loss is.   I’m sorry your sister wasn’t more understanding.   If my tears want to come I let them and think of them as healing tears.  Apart from when in a particular social situation during the xmas break.  No one mentioned my beloveds name and I felt that so keenly I thought I’d burst with pain. But, I played along so as not to embarrass folk, or place a shadow over their fun. Thank god the gathering was short lived.

The benefits of a good rant on our forum, among those who understand, can pay dividends.  Today I felt better and got proactive.  Asked for a face to face meeting with someone relatively new to my troubles.  Someone who says he understands and supports what I’m doing to get justice for my darling. This person wants to meet me also.  And, I worked some more on the covering letter for my legal complaint review.  Today sure did turn out to be a better day. 

Strength, love and hugs, guys. Xx

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M88, I can relate to your friend moving, my best friend remarried and moved to TX a few years ago, I miss her terribly, but I'd encouraged her to to this because I knew she'd be happy and she is.  Oh how I miss her though!

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Ka9219,

I am in the same boat as you as far as not being around much on here and feeling angry. I remember you lost your Mario around the same time I lost my Jake. I have found my life so much harder in new and different ways than it was in the beginning stages of grieving. I find it difficult to reread our messages, or listen to the voicemail I have saved, or reread what he wrote me, or post on my blog. I even got a scrapbook I had intended to put together in memory of Jake, but have not managed to find the courage and strength to do so. 

I find myself living in a dark and distant world and also acting like/ saying I am fine because people around me and in the world just do not understand me or all the things I have gone through, the loss of Jake especially. I feel so very angry and I don’t realize this anger until I’m throwing things, screaming in fits of rage, or inflicting harm upon myself (which I had not done for three years). The anger just pours out of me unexpectedly and I just wish so badly that’s I could go to Jake with my problems and talk to him but I can’t and it’s hearbreaking. His loss has turned me into a very cold, and very selfish person. 

It seems some day I have lost sight of my goals in life and wonder if I ever will find enthusiasm or drive again. I can say that most things that have made me happy or brought me joy in life only lasted for a few hours or have been taken away from me. And this has made me very sour and cold. I can’t help it. I don’t wish to speak to people anymore and I assumed the worst of everyone. It’s a poor mentality to have but this is just how I feel for the time being. 

I have hardly any contact with Jakes family anymore and no one around me really knew Jake because our relationship was so new. So I feel so very isolated. 

Im just lying to myself and avoiding thinking about and dealing with my pain. I know this will harm me down the road, but I don’t know how to turn things around at this point. 

Occasionally, I will come on this forum and browse through some posts when I am feeling alone in this. It just makes me realize how sad I cruelly am and what a lie I am living. 

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nicoleashley,

You are still in very early grief, it has not even been a year...it took me three years to process my grief when my husband died.  Goals, purpose, that all eluded me.  It took me many more years to find that again.  And more years yet to build a life I could live.  I'm at 12 1/2 years now, I don't say that to scare you how long this journey is, it takes what it takes, I say that to give you hope that it won't always feel this futile and miserable.  It won't ever be like it "was" but it won't be as horrid as it is now either.

At the time George died I was working at my dream job.  My boss and coworkers were supportive and wonderful.  And then, just like that, it ended, it was during the recession, and it went belly up.  I got another job, people there didn't know George, they hadn't seen us together or witnessed our live.  They were young and had never suffered loss, they hadn't a clue.  So I entered a new phase, one where others didn't realize what I was going through...I can understand your isolation feelings.  Many people at my church remembered him, but many moved away or died, so that now, all these years later, less than half of them knew him.  Time marches on unbidden and all of its changes with it.  I've been hearing a buzz word in the grief community lately, it's resilience.  My doctor was telling me how people are cursing her out because her clinic merged with another one.  They don't like change.  But change comes to all of us whether we want it to or not.  Change in presidency.  Change in laws.  Change in friendships.  And worst of all, these unbidden changes due to loss.  We don't have a choice about the change that comes our way, only how we handle it, that is a choice.  I am working very hard at being resilient, at accepting change.  I'm 65 and I can tell you most of the people of my generation are not very accepting of change.  But I find it's a necessary part of life, and more importantly, essential to my well being.  From here on out I can expect more change to come my way.  We start realizing it as we age, and little by little begin to lose our faculties, be it physical or mental.  We have to do our best to be fit and active but we also have to realize there are limitations to our ability to control our lives and circumstances.  ]

I like The Serenity Prayer:

 

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity 
To accept the things I cannot change; 
Courage to change the things I can; 
And wisdom to know the difference. 
Living one day at a time; 
Enjoying one moment at a time; 
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 
Taking, as He did, this sinful world 
As it is, not as I would have it; 
Trusting that He will make all things right 
If I surrender to His Will; 
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life 
And supremely happy with Him 
Forever and ever in the next. 

Amen.


(prayer attributed to Reinhold Neibuhr, 1892-1971)

Read more: http://www.lords-prayer-words.com/famous_prayers/god_grant_me_the_serenity.html#ixzz53c3uy4Ql

 

 

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

Time marches on unbidden and all of its changes with it.  I've been hearing a buzz word in the grief community lately, it's resilience.  My doctor was telling me how people are cursing her out because her clinic merged with another one.  They don't like change.  But change comes to all of us whether we want it to or not.  Change in presidency.  Change in laws.  Change in friendships.  And worst of all, these unbidden changes due to loss.  We don't have a choice about the change that comes our way, only how we handle it, that is a choice.  I am working very hard at being resilient, at accepting change.  I'm 65 and I can tell you most of the people of my generation are not very accepting of change.  But I find it's a necessary part of life, and more importantly, essential to my well being.  From here on out I can expect more change to come my way.  We start realizing it as we age, and little by little begin to lose our faculties, be it physical or mental.  We have to do our best to be fit and active but we also have to realize there are limitations to our ability to control our lives and circumstances. 

Kayc,

We are so fortunate to have you to share your wisdom with us.  You really give me some hope to march this painful journey.  Thank you!

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

nicoleashley,

You are still in very early grief, it has not even been a year...it took me three years to process my grief when my husband died.  Goals, purpose, that all eluded me.  It took me many more years to find that again.  And more years yet to build a life I could live.  I'm at 12 1/2 years now, I don't say that to scare you how long this journey is, it takes what it takes, I say that to give you hope that it won't always feel this futile and miserable.  It won't ever be like it "was" but it won't be as horrid as it is now either.

At the time George died I was working at my dream job.  My boss and coworkers were supportive and wonderful.  And then, just like that, it ended, it was during the recession, and it went belly up.  I got another job, people there didn't know George, they hadn't seen us together or witnessed our live.  They were young and had never suffered loss, they hadn't a clue.  So I entered a new phase, one where others didn't realize what I was going through...I can understand your isolation feelings.  Many people at my church remembered him, but many moved away or died, so that now, all these years later, less than half of them knew him.  Time marches on unbidden and all of its changes with it.  I've been hearing a buzz word in the grief community lately, it's resilience.  My doctor was telling me how people are cursing her out because her clinic merged with another one.  They don't like change.  But change comes to all of us whether we want it to or not.  Change in presidency.  Change in laws.  Change in friendships.  And worst of all, these unbidden changes due to loss.  We don't have a choice about the change that comes our way, only how we handle it, that is a choice.  I am working very hard at being resilient, at accepting change.  I'm 65 and I can tell you most of the people of my generation are not very accepting of change.  But I find it's a necessary part of life, and more importantly, essential to my well being.  From here on out I can expect more change to come my way.  We start realizing it as we age, and little by little begin to lose our faculties, be it physical or mental.  We have to do our best to be fit and active but we also have to realize there are limitations to our ability to control our lives and circumstances.  ]

I like The Serenity Prayer:

 

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity 
To accept the things I cannot change; 
Courage to change the things I can; 
And wisdom to know the difference. 
Living one day at a time; 
Enjoying one moment at a time; 
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 
Taking, as He did, this sinful world 
As it is, not as I would have it; 
Trusting that He will make all things right 
If I surrender to His Will; 
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life 
And supremely happy with Him 
Forever and ever in the next. 

Amen.


(prayer attributed to Reinhold Neibuhr, 1892-1971)

Read more: http://www.lords-prayer-words.com/famous_prayers/god_grant_me_the_serenity.html#ixzz53c3uy4Ql

 

 

Kayc, 

Thank you for your response. The serenity prayer is one I know well (well part of it) because Jake was in recovery. I hate that it’s still early in my grief journey. I try to brush it off and I hold myself up to unrealistic standards of how I should feel by now. I know grief and I lost my very close childhood best friend in a car accident when we were both sixteen and that took me three years before I felt relatively normal again. So I’m not sure why I can’t come to terms with the fact the loss of Jake will take a long while as well. 

“Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace” - that resonated with me. I am very grateful for the love Jake and I shared and I am very grateful for what his loss is teaching me as the days go on. I know my purpose in life is to be a grief/addiction counselor and I am on my way to pursing that, though sometimes it is quite easy to lose faith and courage to continue to do things so difficult. 

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I wish you well with your goals, if I was younger I would pursue becoming a grief counselor, it's where my heart is and Lord knows we could use some good ones that understand.  But alas with my age I don't want to incur tuition debt that I wouldn't be able to pay off and I can't do the commute, especially since I can't see to drive at night.  But I'm glad to hear of younger folks like you pursuing it!

Grief takes what it takes.  It might be three years, it might be the rest of our lives...I'm inclined to think with our partners it's the "rest of our lives" although it does evolve and becomes more bearable and won't always stay in this intensity.  If only we could fast forward past the really hard part of earlier grief!  But part of the processing is feeling the grief, pain and all, there's just no way to circumvent it, Lord knows enough of us have looked for a way to!

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On 1/8/2018 at 8:52 AM, KayC said:

nicoleashley,

You are still in very early grief, it has not even been a year...it took me three years to process my grief when my husband died.  Goals, purpose, that all eluded me.  It took me many more years to find that again.  And more years yet to build a life I could live.  I'm at 12 1/2 years now, I don't say that to scare you how long this journey is, it takes what it takes, I say that to give you hope that it won't always feel this futile and miserable.  It won't ever be like it "was" but it won't be as horrid as it is now either

 

 

Hi KayC,

It took you 3 years to process your grief.  Does it mean after that when you think of George you no longer cry?  

I haven’t reached 6 months yet.  I found myself still think about my husband all the times.  When I am working, my husband is always on the background.  Fragments of memories always creep in, reminding me he did this and said that last time. Tears will surge, especially when driving back home after work. I used to be a highly motivated worker at work.  Right now I try hard to motivate myself by finding purpose and rationing my life.  But my heart is still ache and stuck. When one moment I don’t think about him, I feel guilty.  Wish I still remember my husband in details before I pass.

I am thinking that God wants me to experience the tragedy and let me meet the challenge of life.  No matter what I have to endure the pain by adapting the changes every day.  Practice becomes perfect.  Probably after 30 years the changes already become part of me, and it will get dull.

I heard there is a widow who still cries when she talks about her husband after 15 years, while other people say one day in the future you will smile when you look at your parter’s picture.

My eyes are full of sadness.  I am not sure people can tell I am a widow by looking at me.

 

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I don't think crying necessarily correlates with our processing our grief, it can be a part of it, or not.  I know someone whose husband has been gone 1 1/2 years and she has yet to cry.  She had a breakdown, she misses him terribly, she was having a really rough time of it, but she's finally doing better.  Tears can be a release for our emotions so can be welcome in that sense.  I still cry, just not often.  By processing my grief I mean doing the grief work, which continues, of course, but for the most part, the toughest was the first three years for me.
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html

For my self, in the earlier days looking at a picture of George or thinking about him caused me pain, whereas in these latter years, it brings me comfort and a strength, often a smile as I remember him.  It's just so fresh in those early months!  The pain is excruciating!

Everyone handles this differently.  Just because one person cries often after 15 years doesn't mean you will.  Some people hang onto their pain as a way of connection to their loved one.  It's important to learn that our connection is not our grief but our love.  Not saying that's what she does, I don't know her or her situation, perhaps she's someone who cries easily anyway.  But there are many factors that come in to play with regards to how our grief journey goes.

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