Terrified of the dark after mom’s death

[AJLV]

My mother committed suicide 4 months ago. Needless to say, I’m in shock, grieving and sad! I’m 31 years old, not exactly a young kid…yet since she died, I’ve been terrified of the dark and being home alone, even during the day. Couple things about me, I’m not religious but I do want to believe that there is something else out there, maybe a different universe, different dimension, or reincarnation. Since she died, I became obsessed with what happens when we die (if anything) – do we have a choice to stick around and look after loved ones, do we move on to something else with absolutely no attachments to your previous life, are lights are out and nothing happens…possibilities are endless and it drives me insane that I don’t know the answer.

I don’t feel like I have any “unfinished” business with my mom. She knew that I loved her and I was always there for her. Now I’m dealing with really weird feelings of seeing her ghost and knowing that she’s stuck here in this world instead of moving on to something better (who would want that??). I don’t have any history of mental illness and I know that my fear is irrational, I’ve never seen ghosts before. But these thoughts are always present when I’m at home alone and I can’t control it.

By the way, the house I’m living in was purchased after mom died so she’s never even been here before. In fact, I moved to a different part of town to distance myself from the experience and try to start over. I live with my fiancé but when he leaves for work early or comes home late, or I wake up in the middle of the night, I get very scared.

I’ve considered professional counseling but I just don’t think it’s for me. I was wondering if anyone has experienced what I’m going through after losing a loved one? I don’t really know what “normal” is since I’ve never lost anyone before.

Thank you all for your responses.

[sadandlost]

Dear AJLV,

I am very sorry for your traumatic loss.  I can't begin to imagine what it feels like to go through a parent committing suicide.    I don't know a lot about this but it is possible that your mothers spirit is there with you.  I don't think you should question your mental health.  Spirit is spirit.  Someone I knew who was a medium that communicated with spirit told me sometimes spirits hang around.  They need help transitioning.  Given that your mothers death was in a sense violent that she took her own life, I don't think its at all unusual to be having these strong sensations.  I don't have any experience or suggestions but I do know that it is valid that she may be around.  I don't think it makes a difference where you are living.  I'm so sorry you are going through this and apologise that I can't offer anything other than say you're not crazy.

[AJLV]

5 hours ago, sadandlost said:

Dear AJLV,

I am very sorry for your traumatic loss.  I can't begin to imagine what it feels like to go through a parent committing suicide.    I don't know a lot about this but it is possible that your mothers spirit is there with you.  I don't think you should question your mental health.  Spirit is spirit.  Someone I knew who was a medium that communicated with spirit told me sometimes spirits hang around.  They need help transitioning.  Given that your mothers death was in a sense violent that she took her own life, I don't think its at all unusual to be having these strong sensations.  I don't have any experience or suggestions but I do know that it is valid that she may be around.  I don't think it makes a difference where you are living.  I'm so sorry you are going through this and apologise that I can't offer anything other than say you're not crazy.

No need to apologize, I know this is not an easy topic to discuss. Thanks for your kind reply

[tessa]

Hi AJLV, it sounds like you are having anxiety which is normal for someone who has lost a loved one. I'm drifting in and out of anxiety myself since my mother passed away 4 months ago, although my fears are different to yours.
About the afterlife - someone posted a link to a Buddhist monk talk on youtube in here (I can't find it). I watched it and watched some more of the monk's views. According to this monk, there is life after the physical death of the body. He uses near death experiences to prove it.
He also said that some spirits reincarnate immediately, others take longer. So, your mother could be still around.
He also said that suicide doesn't mean we are damned to hell forever.
And he believes in ghosts too. BUT ghosts are not harmful and we should not be afraid of them.
You are not alone in how you feel although we all feel a bit different, we all feel yukky.