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Robbie Star

I'm all done now

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My little 8 lb angel boy Bob killed by car 2 days ago all my fault but i'm all done now he was my world.  Already lost both parents both sisters and my 28 yr old son.

  Bob managed to heal my heart now he's gone i can't handle that oh there must have been a reason crap oh well i guess they'll say the same thing when they find ME dead.

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I don't think I've ever known this much pain.  Maybe it's like one hit too many.  But i have nothing left.  My whole family is passed away.  I can't go on don't want to either without Bob.  He loved me so much. How can God allow this much on one person?

  

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Robbie,  I am deeply sorry for the loss of Bob. It is devastatingly crushing when we lose the one who meant the world to us. You have lost your whole family and I don't even have words that would bring you any consolation. There are no words really. All we can do is face the pain head on and take little steps, one day at a time.  Do you have a significant other or close friends for any kind of support?  Have you given any thought to a grief counselor?

I have lost many pets over the years and had a bond with each of them. It took me a long time to get through their losses, so I understand your pain. Pets give unconditional love and loyal companionship. We fall in love with their unique personalities and get used to and depend on the routines we develop with them.  Currently, I have one dog and one cat, both in their senior years. They have been my purpose, my comfort, when I lost my beloved husband last year. I do not know where I would be right now, without them. I am truly dreading the time when they have to leave me as well.

I know how hard it is to keep getting up each day and struggling to go on, when we are hurting so much. I wish I had answers for you, for myself, for everyone on this grief forum.

I will include you in my prayers. I stumbled often in my faith, crying and asking God all the "whys" of my losses. We won't know the answers until it is our turn to meet God. I need to cling and hang onto my faith. God understands our pain, He is always there for us. He gives us the strength to meet each day and He will show us the path we are meant to be on for His individual plans for us. For so many of us, life is just a huge book of lessons to be learned.

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Thanks so much for your heartfelt words.  I'm alone actually.  I'm  retired and my world is empty now.  I'll never get over losing Bob.  Never.  I havent stepped outside in two days because he always jumped up was at my heels following.  2011 found my beautiful son gone suddenly.  In 2015 my mom suddenly died of respiratory failure after i'd been caring for her daily tending a mersa infection.  Then my sister diagnosed w stage 4 lung and bone cancer.  She suffered so much just like my other sister and my sweet daddy w cancer.  I'm ready to join them.  I hope God took my baby boy because He knew my time is soon and no one else could care for him the way he needed. 

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Robbie I honestly don't know what to say to you, whatever say will be inadequate for the depth of all your losses. It breaks my heart that you're suffering in this way and I so much wish that I could help you. I don't know why there are people who must go through so much pain in this life and lose so many loved ones ,yet I try to keep my faith .It is the only thing that gets me through, and the belief that all our loved ones are still alive and watching over us , living in a place of light and love. I know this doesn't take away the pain and the emptiness but it is comforting to know we will meet them again.

I don't know exactly what happened with your doggie but please don't blame yourself. It was a terrible accident ,we cannot  control what happens to our pets, no matter how much we love them.Your Bob knew how much you love him and he still knows, where he is now.

I pray with all my heart that God and His angels will help you and offer you comfort and guidance. Please know that we are here for you.

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Robbie, Maria captured exactly what I was thinking too. I was devastated four months ago when our cat passed - we had him for 10 years. He was like our child, we adored him and he adored us. He had a painful and tragic end. It has been one of the worst experiences of my life. That said, there are no words of solace I feel I can offer you with all of the losses you've suffered. All I can say is I can comprehend the connection you had with Bob and I get that the world looks very dark.

I wish you as much peace as possible right now, my heart aches for you.

I hope you visit forum as often as you need, there are the other pages which include loss of child and others. I hope there is someone else you can turn to or call to talk, you should not be alone, you do not have to be alone. There are places to find help. 

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Robbie,

I am so sorry for all of your losses, yes indeed, one too many pretty much describes it.  

Is there any contact with the outside world that you have?  If not, it helps to sign up for senior services, where a volunteer brings in food a couple times a week...more importantly than the food is the human contact.  It's not good to be so alone.  

I hope you will read these articles...as Maria stated, it was an accident, try not to take on guilt.  We know when we adopt them they aren't likely to live as long as us.  I have had so much loss, my husband, parents, grandparents, niece, nephew, many pets...when you've had loss like this you don't view things the same anymore.  You don't take life for granted, you know at any moment you could lose another and I realized that the day I adopted my dog.  I try to make the most of each day with him, and I know someday I will lose him too and will have to deal with it then the same way I dealt with losing my husband.  Excruciatingly painful, but somehow I'll have to get through it.

Please call someone for help, don't suffer alone.  There are grief counselors trained in loss and grief, there are grief support groups where you'll find understanding and they help each other through these tough times in the aftermath of loss.

This article was of immense help to me:
http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf 

and this one:
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml

Please keep coming here and voicing your feelings, it really does help to express yourself and know you are heard and understood.  We've all been through loss and understand those feelings.  You've suffered so many losses and tried to handle it all, it's time to get some help with it and know you are not alone in it.

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Thank you all.  I am very sorry for your losses as well.  If God doesn't take my life soon then I know for sure I am not included in his kingdom.  He does miracles every minute He could have saved my dog.  He totally knew this would be the end for me.  You all know that.  Just as I was beginning to spread my wings again?  After decades of heartache.  I understand now why some ppl give up.  

Kay thank you for the caring suggestion.  Actually I'm only 60 years old.  Retired recently after 30 years in food service.  Im a gourmet cook I should be the one preparing and delivering food to others. 

Just one hit too many.  That's all I can say.  I can't do this anymore.  Not without that innocent ptecious soul wjo lived only to bring me joy and love.  

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Robbie,  I am sorry you feel you are all alone in your grieving. Try to reach out to others in your local environment, if you can. There are grief support groups for loss of pets as well as for human loss. Please, keep posting and expressing yourself here, also. We all do care for each other here.

I retired early also, just like you. I know the pain, the feelings of loneliness, the thoughts of giving up. I feel that giving up would be a disrespectful act to the ones who are gone that we love. We are the ones left to carry on that legacy of love.  You have a huge heart that is capable of loving and caring for other people and possible other pets that will be coming into your life in the future.

What has benefited me is going for walks. Being outside and really tuning into nature is great therapy. Heaven is said to be all around us in the outdoors. Go to a restaurant for coffee or a meal and interact with others. Maybe volunteer your time somewhere. When we place our focus on others, it helps us to get out of our own head and misery for awhile. Everyone has a story to tell and even though we often feel like we are the only ones in pain, we are not. No one lives forever and we each will have our turn in returning to Heaven and being reunited with all our loved ones, people and pets.

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Ive been eatching videos and reading some near death stories.  No one says they saw their pets.  Ive had a lot of dogs.  I loved them all but Bob was more to me than all of them put together.  I got him at 5 weeks.  The size of my palm.  I wrapped him like a baby when he went to sleep.  He was my baby.  This is as bad as when I lost my son.  But I still had loved ones then to live for.  There is nothing for me here anymore.  Just unfathomable sad memories.

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You know what is the most cruel thing of all?  Ive lived in these apts 6 months.  Theres 2 stray dogs, that I put out food for.  Im trying to get homes for them on craigslist.  But they've been running wild for 6 months.  The 3rd time my baby gets out of my sight for a minute he was hit!!!  I walked him each day on his leash he loved it so much.  But we'd step out front on the sidewalk just to get out.  I wouldn't let him out of range but that night i was looking at my phone and he did.  He went down the sidewalk to the street.  And my world ended.  a friend was here and he helped me.  I lost my mind and tore this place up.  My friend dug a grave by a flower bed Bob and I put in a few weeks ago. If my friend hadn't been here who knows.  But dogs run for months.  Mine never ran he just slipped out of sight for a minute.  This is a cruel world for some.

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The world is not fair. I always knew that logically, after what happen to my cat, now I really know it. So I am angry. I also know with all that there is nothing I can do now except be grateful for the time we did have. Try to forgive myself. Release my anger somehow. It won't change things.

To go back in time and change things is all I wanted.  

So now... I also can't live without a cat so I will rescue another one. It will not be the one we lost, nothing can replace him. But I love cats and I will help another one to have a good home.

 

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Robbie,

It's common for people to blame God for everything bad that happens in their lives.  It's also normal/common to feel angry with God when loss occurs.  That's okay, He's got broad enough shoulders to take it.

But stop and think about it...if you read the Bible in it's entirety and understand the story of how the world was created, what God's plan was, what happened next, the results, you can see once sin entered the world it changed it's perfection.  We now needed redemption from this very thing that entered, and trying to earn our own way didn't work, so He made another way, by acceptance of His son who was the only one that could redeem our lives from the imperfection of sin and its results.  Our world is still contaminated...Satan is still in charge of this world for a time, but that will all change someday as God takes the reins back, and there'll be a time we're all taken to that wonderful place called Heaven, where there will be no more goodbyes, no more bad things happening, no more tears.  And I believe wholeheartedly that we'll be reunited with our loved ones then, especially and including our pets that have preceded us in death.  When we die, our physical bodies give out and we're spirit form, but someday we'll have a new body.

You may not believe any of this, that's fine, but that's what keeps me going.  I run a grief support group, and I've found that those who have hope get through this easier than those who do not.  For those who have no hope, I ask them to learn about the universes, the planets, how vast it all is, and to consider that maybe, just maybe there is a whole lot we don't know, to keep their minds open for the possibilities.

When my husband died 12 1/2 years ago, I was feeling much the same things as you are right now.  I wanted to die, my brain had a hard time thinking (grief fog), went through all the stages of grief and probably invented some!  It's normal and okay to feel all these feelings, but as others my faith returned intact and I've somehow managed to get through this with a lot of time and effort.

I do hope you'll make every effort to get through this in a way that will bring some positive back to you.  I've written an article based on what I've learned on my twelve year journey and although it was written from "loss of husband" perspective, grief is grief, the only thing that changes is who we've lost, and I hope there will be something in it that will give you something to consider, and thus be of help to you.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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I dreamed about  Bob today.  Im trying to process it.  I almost never remember dreams.  He was running and playing with other dogs.  I was trying to catch them.  All of them for some reason.  

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Robbie, I know how hard and painful your loss is. Kayc has given you some wise words and AJW is sharing her pain, thoughts and sympathies as well. Losing Bob, when he was all you had left is devastatingly tragic. It was a random accident that could not be helped at that moment in time. Everyone of us here wishes we could go back in time and change the outcomes of our losses. We can't and it hurts so darn much that we have to struggle through each day and learn to adapt. We all agree that life is so unfair.

I have read NDE stories as well. I feel that those in the stories did not see any pets is because we are not given that opportunity until it is actually our time to fully cross over. People make a choice to come back here in an NDE or are told it is not their time yet. If someone saw a dear pet, they would probably make the choice to stay in Heaven, when it might not be their time and they have lessons to learn and things to do here yet. A friend of mine had an NDE. He saw people and had the knowing they were family and friends. He could not see their faces and he was told it was not his time yet. He wanted to stay in Heaven and was sad for awhile because he couldn't.

I feel that Bob is letting you know that he is ok and having fun with his pals. We are meant to remember visitation dreams, even though we might have problems remembering other random dreams. Maybe, with you trying to catch all the dogs, is your minds way of processing the guilt you feel. Trying to save Bob and changing the outcome. I had similar dreams after my husband passed. I was trying to heal him and get him healthy again. I would wake up from those dreams crying, wishing I could have saved him. The guilt feelings do fade over time. It takes effort on our part. Replacing the bad memories with good memories. Recognizing we are humans with flaws and no super powers.

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The friends I Have can't  understand the effing nightmare I am going thru. --- Get another dog.  --Must have been a reason.  Blah blah blah blah blah. --Maybe I need a  psychiatrist.  No, I need my little angel boy back.  Is that asking too much?  

I dedicated myself to helping homeless ppl this year.  Have 20 freshly washed blankets in my trunk right now to give the ppl living under bridges.  I been going to garage sales and flea markets buying blankets, washing them and passing out to homeless ppl.  I been helping the homeless all year. Day after thanksgiving I invited a homeless couple to spend the night, eat to their heart's content, shower, wash theit clothes sleep in a clean comfy bed.  What happens? They sneak into my bedroom middle of the night n steal  my purse. 100 dollar bill and a full rx I filled day before for chronic pain. 15 years chronic pain from broken back.  When i woke up next morning they were gone.   I guess I'm lucky  they didn't club me in the head?  

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Dreams can be kooky.  I've been  exhausted, unable to get any decent sleep. This morning I lay down on sofa and fell asleep over 3 hours. I've been processing a vivid dream I had, all day. Bob was running with several animals...not just dogs.  There was an otter and other animals I can't clearly recall. I was high above them on a balcony of some building prolly 5 stories high.  Suddenly I saw a street and Bob get hit by a car.  I started making my way down to him.  Seemed to take forever but when I finally got to him he was sitting in the grass, unhurt!  I picked him up but he jumped and ran off to join the other animals.   I scooped a few of them up but they wiggled free to run with the others. I managed to put a few if them in crates but they all escaped. It was the most memorable dream I've had since I can't remember. Idk if it was the result of prayers and wishful thinking, or a glimpse of the other side. But it was comforting. It was vivid and keeps playing over in my mind.  I may have seen furbabies of others on this forum.  That is imprinted on my heart.  Wow.  

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First, your friends try to help - I am sure they mean well. Most people who have the bonds we had here, do not understand. That's why I come here. 

Next, your dream sounds very cool. I personally believe that is a sign to you that Bob is okay. I think you got a glimpse. And I am glad you had it.

 

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Robbie,

I'm sorry those people did that to you.  People who are drug addicts will do most anything to get their fix, and the drugs dull their conscience so they don't feel the pangs of guilt and shame they might otherwise feel when they do something wrong.  Yes you are lucky they didn't club you in the head.  It's good to go through an organization to give help to people, I learned that years ago when I was doing prison ministry.  Bless you for handing out the blankets!  Don't bring your purse with you!

Your friends want to fix your situation when it can't be fixed...there's no way to avoid the grief.  Getting another dog might help with giving you companionship, purpose, but it won't replace your other dog, instead it will create a new spot in your heart for itself.  You will still grieve the dog you lost.  The grief doesn't go away entirely, but it does evolve as we begin to adjust and learn to cope with all of the changes it means to our lives.  There comes a day our tears are gone, but the missing them continues and we learn to coexist with our grief.

It does sound, as AJW said, that Bob is letting you know he's okay.

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Robbie I am glad you had this dream of Bob. I agree with AJWCat too, he wants you to know that he is happy .It is no coincidence that you had this dream! There will come a day when your grief has lessened and you will be ready to get a new dog. Like KayC said he won't replace Bob and the missing him will always be there, but you will be able to open your heart again. Right now the grief is terrible and you have to take it one day at a time,be patient .It is so kind you are helping homeless people, but do not over-trust them, not everyone is well-meaning and honest.I know it is hard to find purpose in your life right now but I am sure you can do a lot of good out there in the world.There are so many people and animals in need and even a little help goes a long way.

I am sure your friends mean well,they want to help you but.....let's face it, very few people understand how it feels to lose a pet and that there is absolutely nothing , like KayC said ,that can "fix" this. Like any other loss it can only be endured. It is good that you are sharing here your thoughts and feelings, doing this sure has helped me a lot.

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I thank you all for taking the time to share your feelings and thoughts.  I'd love to have you for neighbors.

I'm so shattered. I still can't bare to go outside.  I want to hear Bob climbing out from his blanket in his hidey hole to give a shake and let me know I'm not about to go without him.  I have a knot in my stomach.  I don't want to be here at all.

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I know. :( All those fun, silly rituals we had are gone. It's their presence that is gone and everything that we did with them and for them. It's actually a lot of "activity" in our life that changes. When I am feeling strong I tell my act out loud that I miss him (Mommy misses you I say.) when I am feeling really low I can't get the words out. Maybe it will make you feel better? Not sure. Just take it a moment at a time. I am so sorry. I know the pain.  

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