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Michaelagiri

My girlfriend just passed away

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5 hours ago, Michaelagiri said:

you really understood me from the beginning thank you so so much for your prayers and support and concern and love....I'm sure my girlfriend is really proud how I'm handling this....God bless!!

No doubt in my mind, she is really proud of you, so am I; but most importantly, so is God!  Don't be a stranger here.  Always sending virtual hugs and prayers your way.

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On 12/5/2017 at 10:03 AM, KayC said:

I am so sorry that you too are going through this.  My husband was barely 51 when he died, we met in our 40s, it's like it took our lifetimes to find each other, we just put our lives together and then he was gone, never expected that.

Your grandson Andre brought a smile to me, I love that.  When George died my son told me he intended to have grandchildren for me, then he mentioned, of course, first I have to get a date.  :)  God bless these young people and their caring for us.

 

Thanku..today was a really sad day for..i woke up happy because he wad in my dream and he gave me the sweetest kiss but within hours I was in rears with the reality that i will never be able to touch him..kiss him or talk with him..I hate life right now

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5 hours ago, bea said:

Thanku..today was a really sad day for..i woke up happy because he wad in my dream and he gave me the sweetest kiss but within hours I was in rears with the reality that i will never be able to touch him..kiss him or talk with him..I hate life right now

Bea, this is our reality.  It will be up and down.   There will be more downs and ups.   Every now and then, things, moments, or experiences will remind us of the joy and happiness we've had with our loved ones --- but those times are not sustainable... at least not now.   Soon after, our mind quickly reminds us of the true reality of what we are facing... and will remind us that he/she will never be back with us again.   It hurts like hell and it makes my heart drop like a ton of bricks.     I hate my life too.    I think I will hate it for a very long time.

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Bea,

I'm sorry you're in so much pain, I remember it well.  Even though I've had years to adjust by now, and I seldom cry anymore (I think I cried most of my tears out of my body), I have never forgotten those early months/years.  It never leaves us.  I carry my grief inside of me, most people aren't aware of it, but I do talk to my sister about it sometimes, and my grief support group, of course, anyone else who has gone through it and I know understands.  They're never gone from us, I carry George inside my heart.  When I went to job interviews, I reached down inside of me for his belief in me and support and felt it sustaining me.  My prayer is that you'll learn to do that in time too.  When I've had to make hard decisions and no one to talk it over with, I made them, and I knew George was proud of me for everything I've had to do on my own over the years.  He was my biggest supporter and fan.  When I don't feel strong, or don't feel capable or up to the task, I rely on HIS belief and faith in me to see me through it.

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14 hours ago, Michaelagiri said:

Hi everyone ever since this experience, I don't feel I will have a long life....like imagining so many years without her feels like impossible....I don't know if it is normal or suicidal ....I need help

Feeling we can't continue without them is normal in grief.  For some to think some kind of positive thinking will just whisk away our feelings is to devalue our grief feelings and is so wrong on every level.  Yes our attitudes are important, but it's a gross injustice for someone to brush away our feelings when the very thing we need is our feelings acknowledged and understood!  

I hope you will seek grief counseling, it can be of immense help, and please do continue to come here.  I continue reporting the spammy posts that keep coming, not sure what else we can do besides put the person on "ignore".  Not sure why the administrators have allowed this to continue.

Forgive me if I have already posted this to you, but I want to share the things I've learned in my grief journey over the last twelve years as each of these things have helped me through the process, and it is indeed a process...

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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Thank you so much KayC ....I really appreciate all this support it shows love in humanity, for we all have been through this situation and we are all here to support each other ....thanks a lot ...and I shall continue coming on here...it is enough therapy reading all these posts from total strangers that don't charge anything but offer support to one another...it is really embracing to have joined this forum, it really took me forward right from my post about a week ago till today....it's really heart warming for all the prayers and support and care from everyone....thanks again...I appreciate 

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On 12/7/2017 at 2:24 PM, Michaelagiri said:

Hi everyone ever since this experience, I don't feel I will have a long life....like imagining so many years without her feels like impossible....I don't know if it is normal or suicidal ....I need help

Michaelagirl -- You are not alone.  Recently, I've been having these surreal feelings and question how I've made it to almost 6-months without my wife.  I cannot even fathom to believe that it's been so many days and nights that I've been "zombieing" through my life without her.   It feels like things just happened yesterday.   The little silver lining I suppose is that it does show that I can live a life without her.   But the other side to this is whether I am happy, health, and living productive and enjoyable life.  The answer obviously is no.   

Life now stinks.  It sucks big time.  It's painful every second, every minute, and every hour of each day.  It's a nightmare that I cannot wake up from.  Yes, I so wish that I can just go to sleep each night and wake up.   But no, I wake up and endure another painful day of suffering.

I think what you are feeling is normal.  I don't think it's suicidal until you actually think and plan on some way to end your life.  Either way, try getting some help or at least jot down the number of your local or the national crisis center.    I know the local and the national crisis centers also have "text" services so you can text the counselors at any time when you are feeling blue.  Take care of yourself.

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It's kind of both.  Suicidal feelings are common in grief, we have to give ourselves a chance to see it through, to find a glimmer of hope, like a tiny part in a storm cloud.  Yes, your feelings are very normal.  Remember, suicidal FEELINGS are not suicidal ACTIONS.  They are thoughts that come unbidden to us.  Shove them away and tell them you're going to make him proud and you're choosing to live, to see what there is ahead for you, and it won't always feel this dismal.  This grief comes in waves, up and down, like a roller coaster of emotion.  We learn to ride it out.

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I know.  I feel the same, even after all these years.  The missing him never goes away.  It's the hardest thing in the world to get used to, yet I've had to do just that.

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