Jump to content
Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
  • Announcements

    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
Rebecca1206

Grieving over my fur baby

Recommended Posts

Hi everyone, on November 7th i lost my little fur angel, Tumbles and devastated is not even the word to describe. I’m crying every day and night. I had him for 8 years and he has brought so much joy into my home. I would have never imagined the pain would be so hard but thinking about the fact that I will never get to see him or hold him again is killing me. He was truly my baby and I feel so lost without him. It really kills me when people tell me to just get another cat because I can’t possibly imagine replacing someone I loved so much. I currently have another cat and seeing him walk around the house meowing hurts me so much. I have a boyfriend, friends and family that I have been talking to but i feel like I’m crazy if I keep bringing it up, this is just one of the hardest pains I’ve ever endured. I’m on this forum in hopes of speaking to others who know this pain and can tell me what they have done to help heal. :/

BA7D9CAD-B3E0-4DC2-B0E7-C504A82DEE6D.jpeg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MarvaMac   

Greetings my friend, I am so sorry for your loss...words "can not " and "will not" describe the pain you are feeling right now. I know, cause I still feel the same since June when we lost Rex......you are not alone I guarantee you my dear friend....you can grieve anyway you want and I feel you should take your time when time allows for you when you open your heart to another pet. We still haven't either cause it's the way you and I feel we are replacing the ones we loved so much that it will seems like they weren't there in our lives...I miss my boy every single day, especially the holidays coming up cause he was always there for us then. If you ever need someone to talk to, please come to this site where you can talk with anyone who feels the same way you feel and knowing we will be there for each other when the tough times get rough .....your fur baby was so beautiful and no matter what people say to you , that was your baby...plain and simple....I had Rex for sixteen and a half years, but he was my baby!!! He was like a son to me and he was there when no one was and that hurts me more than anything, take each day with prayer and take care of yourself when you can .....knowing you have support from me and here will hopefully get you through the days  the best way you can. I cried plenty of days, weeks, and months missing my baby, but I promise it will get better when you least expect it.....Just hang in there my friend, I'm here when you need a shoulder to cry on. I'm praying for you!!!E0E8612C-A972-4562-B05D-5557AD78D7DE.thumb.JPG.20e18c08837e81cd12e5c998a502fe92.JPGhere was my fur baby spoiled as hell!!!! God I loved that boy!!! 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Derby   

I'm very sorry about Tumbles, Rebecca. He was a beautiful little fellow.

I lost my own boy 54 days ago. It has been an intensely painful period. It is really only time that will heal your pain, but I can tell you that there were a few things I did that eased it temporarily:

i) it seemed therapeutic to write down my memories of my cat. The story of how I came to adopt him, memories of the early days with him, descriptions of his appearance and habits, the various crises I had with him when he needed an operation or had been in a fight, recollections of him from every room in the house and outside, the story of his last weeks and months, even descriptions of the grief that I felt for him. Writing that all down seemed to help to put his life into perspective and to help me to think more about the good times that we had and less about his end. And my memories will fade, so I will have this document to remember him by. 30,000 words so far, and still adding to it every day.

ii) my mother is into scrapbooking, and she helped me to make a scrapbook showing hundreds of photos that I took of my boy over the last 9 years. That is something practical to do that relates to your cat, and it will leave you with a nice reminder of him.

iii) reading grief forums like this one was also strangely soothing. I suppose that was because it helped me to realise that I was not the only one going through an awful time like that. For much the same reason, looking at various disaster videos on Youtube helped take my mind off my own problems.

I also have another cat, and like yours, she has been unusually vocal and seems to still be waiting for him to return, even after nearly 2 months. I have been paying her extra attention as she is now not getting that comfort from another cat.

Good luck to you; it is a very horrible thing to have to contend with.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

MarvaMac I came to the realization to that the holidays are so close and he’s not going to be with me. I heard a Christmas song come on in a store and started to tear up. He really is my baby and I am grateful I found this forum because I can see other people understand how special our furry friends can become to us. I know I will never forget him but I hope to get to the point where I no longer feel guilty for living my life happily without him

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Derby thank you. Everyone used to tell he how beautiful he is and he sure is. I will be sure to use your methods and thank you so much for recommending them. I attempted to think of fond memories like how he used to meow and his little walk (he had a limp that the vets said was normal and probably just happened at birth) but then I just start crying :( I start to create all these possible scenarios in my head questioning if I should have noticed signs of him being sick earlier and possibly could have saved him but I know I did everything I could. He was only 9 and I hoped i could have him for at least a few more years. His death was so sudden..he started to lose weight drastically and lost his appetite (vet said he had jaundice). I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby as well, I can tell you love yours as much as I love mine

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC   

Time alone does nothing, it is the grief work we put in...I lost my husband 12 1/2 years ago and for me that was life changing, all of my life separated into a "before" or "after" that moment.  I've lost many pets over the years, and some of them hit so hard, one of the hardest was my granddoggy, Skye, who lived with me half his life...it's been over four years now and my heart still aches for him.  I lost my Miss Mocha 1 1/2 years ago and I miss her so much, I know there will never be another cat like her, she was so unique, so feminine, the daintiest little meow, and the way she'd "blink-blink" her eyes, flirting...she was truly adorable.  I miss her sleeping next to me, pushing up against me, she was always good for a purr.  And the bravery she put on when a dog would come bounding in that she didn't know!  You knew she had to be scared inside but she'd hide it bravely, and hold her own.  I have Kitty who is 21, and I love her tremendously, she is also unique in her own ways, but she is night and day different from Miss Mocha.  One does not replace another, but another one can give you some company even as you try to deal with your loss.

It's so hard to lose anyone suddenly, and when the shock wears off, the reality sets in with a commanding thud, demanding to be heard!

You ask how to deal with it...I wrote an article this year of the things I've learned about dealing with grief since my husband died...much of it can be applied to losing our furry companions as well.  I've since started a grief support group in my area since there has never been one in my community.  There are ones available for pet loss, there are also grief counselors that specialize in pet loss and some that even do it over the phone.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

KayC I feel the same way about my kitty, that he was such a unique soul that I’ll never find in another cat again. My other cat Moo, is nothing like him as well and I almost feel guilty for showing him love bc I feel like I’m just letting myself move on from Tumbles. Don’t get me wrong, I adore my Moo and kiss and love him every day, I just have to break away and cry for a few moments from guilt. 

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I can’t begin to imagine your pain. Your tip in taking one day at a time is definetly something I’m going to try. I broke down when he passed realizing that I’ll never see my baby again and life is so long, how Can I possibly endure this pain? But I will try to think of it has one day at a time. 

I will definetly continue to come on this forum. I am relieved to know others understand this pain. I was afraid reading other people’s stories would make me feel worse. And although I have cried a little, I don’t feel as alone as I did before in this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
AJWCat   

Hi Rebecca, 

You definitely are not alone is your grief. I am so sorry to hear about sweet Tumbles, what a cutie! He was taken too soon. :(

I totally understand your pain and your loss. (We all do as you can tell.) I visit this forum because as you mentioned in your post, I just can't keep talking to people about how upset I am... how much I miss our cat.

It has gotten much much better and yet I still ache that he is gone. I am sure your other kitty Moo is upset and might be a little depressed. All you can do is take things one day at a time and give Moo extra attention. Time heals. The pain will subside for you and for Moo. Nothing will replace Tumbles and his unique personality and your bond. Once the guilt and sadness goes away you at least have the wonderful memories.         

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

AJWCat thank you and I am sorry for your loss too. I know it will take time and it’s only been a few days short to a week but I can’t stand the pain :/

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC   

Rebecca,

I'm glad you don't feel alone in your grief here, this is the one place we can come to and know others "get it".  We've all suffered loss that is huge to us or we wouldn't be here.

The pain serves the purpose of helping us process our grief, no way but straight through it, if there was a way to circumvent it I would have found it by now.  I've heard it said that the degree of our pain equals the degree of our love, I'm sure there's some truth to that.  And when the intensity of pain begins to lessen, don't worry, it doesn't mean you're losing love for your cat, it means your body is doing its job the way it was meant to, we can only take so much pain, and so eventually it begins to lessen a bit into something more tolerable that we can carry, for now it's ours to live with and carry.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
AJWCat   

I did worry about that exact thing KayC. The pain was my way of keeping him around me somehow. Not having it was like forgetting him. I didn't want to forget, I didn't want to feel better. But as each day passes, you start to feel better and more able to cope.

That said, this week has been very tough... very painful and I am sad. Just how it goes. :(  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Maria9   

Rebecca I am so sorry for your Tumbles..He looks so sweet .I lost my kitty too, to a fatal virus, she was only six. I never thought she would be gone so soon. The pain of loosing her is unbearable, like nothing I have ever experienced. It kills me too that I am going to live the rest of my life without seeing her again. I too feel lost without her, though I have other kitties too.Try to show Moo your love and don't feel guilty, Tumbles wouldn't want you to. I agree with AJWCat, Moo needs you, he knows and he probably is depressed too. Most people do not understand, even if they have the best intentions.It is very healing to have someone you can talk openly with, you can cry in front of, be it a close friend or even a grief counselor. And yes, be gentle with yourself and take it one day at a time.And you're not crazy, don't let anyone make feel this way. This is a major loss .Write here often ,express it all, because we all understand.You are not alone and you shouldn't be alone in this. I pray that you find comfort and healing.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Maria9   
1 hour ago, AJWCat said:

I did worry about that exact thing KayC. The pain was my way of keeping him around me somehow. Not having it was like forgetting him. I didn't want to forget, I didn't want to feel better. But as each day passes, you start to feel better and more able to cope.

That said, this week has been very tough... very painful and I am sad. Just how it goes. :(  

Oh AJWCat I feel your pain, I wish I could help you with it :( I haven't found a way myself but I think (and hope) that the wheel will turn again and you'll find yourself feeling a little better again.I guess the compass of grief( that's how I picture it) is constantly turning and we find ourselves feeling a little better, a little worse, a little numb according to where the needle is pointing. And with time the better-feeling intervals will become longer and longer.

I worry about the same thing too. Though KayC said that it's the love that bonds us to them, not the pain, it is very difficult to separate them right now.

I hope you feel better soon.((Hugs)))

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

KayC, and as crazy as this sounds, I knew I always loved him but losing him made me realize it was more than imaginable, so yes the pain does equal the love. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Maria9, It was hard at first, but I do know that I can’t feel guilty for loving Moo because after all, he was here this whole time as well. I am making sure to be around him as much as possible, and trying not to allow my head to get caught up in my thoughts. Today was better than yesterday because I am thinking of how I can show Moo I care without blaming myself for what happened.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you all for taking the time to read and help me through this difficult time. I hope you all find a way to get through your terrible losses as well. You have all been so helpful

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
AJWCat   

Maria, there are so many analogies to grief... the compass is true too! It is like a spinning dial... how will I feel today? 

Rebecca, I am so glad that you do have Moo so you can comfort each other. Never blame yourself. It is weird how guilty we all feel... we do though. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC   

I'm glad you are working through this, it's a hard process, but helping Moo deal with his grief is healing for you as well.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now


×