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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
MGN

I carried her down the aisle I was meant to watch her walk down.

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MGN   

I'm 22 now. My fiancé took her own life in June. Since the funeral I've been on autopilot. I feel like I've time-travelled from July to November. So much time has passed and so much has happened, but it feels like 5 minutes ago that I was collapsing on a pavement as my mother told me what had happened. I just have no idea what to do with myself anymore. I've been writing lots about it, because I tend to lose memory of stressful periods. That kind of feels like the only way to really express at the minute. Is there anyone out there that has lost a partner to suicide at this age? How do you deal with this? I'm at a stage now where I'm relatively comfortable talking about it, to the point where I can talk about what happened without breaking down, but I just feel so numb. 

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stef87   

Hi I'm so sorry. I'm 29 bit older than you and have just lost my husband 8th oct to suicide. I'm not coping very well. Thats why I've joined here. I'm in shock still I think but turning into anger with everyone round. Have you got support?

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MGN   
1 minute ago, stef87 said:

Hi I'm so sorry. I'm 29 bit older than you and have just lost my husband 8th oct to suicide. I'm not coping very well. Thats why I've joined here. I'm in shock still I think but turning into anger with everyone round. Have you got support?

Hi Stef. Please accept my deepest condolences. It's the worst feeling I've ever felt. I know what you mean. I went through the anger for months. I kept saying that it felt like tinnitus; it just never went away. I really needed someone to blame, I think. I have my family and her family, along with close friends. I hope you do? I've found that this experience has really shown me who my true friends are. The ones that have come forward and genuinely offered support. 

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stef87   

Yes I do have my family friends for support and yes I know what you mean when something so tragic happens you find out who truely is there. My husband hung himself in the garage and I found him. I still get flash backs and feel guilty as I wasn't quick enough to save him, plus didn't see any signs leading up to the morning I found him. I've gone through so many emotions to can't live without him and wanting to be without him to why  did he have to do this and angry towards hin as he knew what person I am that I couldn't cope. Its so daunting and scary.

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Francine   

MGN and stef87

I am so sorry for both of your losses.  I've never lost someone to suicide.  I can only imagine that it leaves those who are touched by it with a unique kind of grief, filled with unanswered questions, stigma from those who don’t understand, and sometimes immense guilt.  Losing someone to a natural death is hard enough, but losing them to suicide is heartbreaking and it is not uncommon to feel very angry at the person who died. 

Words just can't describe your pain; you may feel like a ‘ton of bricks’ were thrust upon your shoulders by a loved ones’ suicide that will never go away. But somehow we manage; God gives us stronger shoulders.  Don't be afraid to allow yourself to grieve and know that you will probably never truly get ‘over’ a suicide loss. You get through it. Day by day. Sometimes it’s moment by moment.  I think many people who choose suicide do so to end their pain not realizing that their pain becomes the pain of all those they leave behind. The survivors relive it over and over, the last days, or perhaps months or even years, seeing now the signs they perhaps thought they missed which they believe they should have recognized.  First and foremost, we cannot be blamed when it comes to the actions of others. It seems like in today's society we are held responsible for not knowing when someone is in trouble or when someone needs help, but let's all be honest here: how are we supposed to know!? Yes, we should all be decent human beings and make sure our loved ones and friends are okay, but it is a huge burden to make sure someone is okay 24/7.

I'm truly happy you have family/friends support to help you through this devastating time. One day you’ll wake up and things won’t hurt as bad. You’ll be able to remember the good things about your loved one and not just the end. Perhaps that will be the time when you are finally able to move on. Grieve your loved ones - you're suppose to.  One thing I learned is however I decided to grieve is the right way for me. Everyone’s different.  Also, be patient with yourself. One day you’ll be able to celebrate the life and not focus on the method of death. Please, please, just be patient.  The best piece of advice I got was, ‘Once you accept that many, if not most, of your questions will never be answered, you can start to move forward.’  You will survive, and you will find purpose in the chaos. Moving on doesn’t mean letting go. 

My prayer is that God gives you both the love, peace and strength to get through this most difficult time; HE will, just open your hearts and let HIM in and watch what happens next.

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Azipod   
On 11/4/2017 at 3:49 PM, MGN said:

I'm 22 now. My fiancé took her own life in June. Since the funeral I've been on autopilot. I feel like I've time-travelled from July to November. So much time has passed and so much has happened, but it feels like 5 minutes ago that I was collapsing on a pavement as my mother told me what had happened. I just have no idea what to do with myself anymore. I've been writing lots about it, because I tend to lose memory of stressful periods. That kind of feels like the only way to really express at the minute. Is there anyone out there that has lost a partner to suicide at this age? How do you deal with this? I'm at a stage now where I'm relatively comfortable talking about it, to the point where I can talk about what happened without breaking down, but I just feel so numb. 

 

23 hours ago, stef87 said:

Hi I'm so sorry. I'm 29 bit older than you and have just lost my husband 8th oct to suicide. I'm not coping very well. Thats why I've joined here. I'm in shock still I think but turning into anger with everyone round. Have you got support?

MGN & Stef87, I haven't experienced a loss due to suicide.  However, I've experienced the loss of my wife which is devastating to say the least.   The little that I know about suicides, I think they can be very challenging to deal with and is a unique loss in itself.      I think it would be beneficial to look into seeking private counseling/therapy as a part of your recovery.    A good therapist can help you understand the issues in your partner's life, it's challenges, and how it may have contributed to them deciding to take their life.   Having an understanding of the underlying causes, understanding what was going on in your partner's mind, and their decision, will be instrumental to your recovery.     My wife passed due to medical issues, but there were some underlying issues relating to how she was wanted to seek treatment.   My therapist helped me realized some of my wife's decision which helped me immensely.    I think I would still be lost if I didn't know the reasoning behind my wife's decisions.

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