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andycase007

Lost my Dad but cant get over it

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Hi All

I just want someone to tell me whether what im feeling is normal or what

My dad left when i was 3. I have two older sisters and we were brought up by my mother. My dad visited most weekends, and when i left school and started work, we became much closer. We went on holiday together, i visited his, he eventually live with me in my house until i got married.

A year after i got married, he died. He was an alcoholic and died suddenly one night in the hotel where he worked.

That was 11 years ago Sunday.

2 weeks after my dad died, by best friend, who had been my best man the year before, died suddenly at the age of 33

So around this time of year it is always difficult.

But every year i just get so down, surely after 11 years things should be easier?? Im 37 now, with 4 children.

All i can think about is what my dad would be doing now, i think about the fact he never met my kids and has missed out on that.

Ive lost my motivation to do anything.

My wife listens and cares very much, but has never lost a parent and so doesn't know whether what i am feeling, even after all this time, is right, wrong or what to advise. 

In the past i have tried to speak to a professional, but talking face to face with a stranger is not for me - it was awkward and i lasted a couple of sessions and cancelled it. 

So is this going to go on and on, every year spiralling down? Just miss him and my friend so much.......................................................

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dear andycase007,

I'm sorry for your loss.  There is nothing abnormal about still feeling the loss 11 yrs later.  You've had 2 big losses at the same time.  I think its perfectly normal every year to be painfully reminded of this.  I think yearly anniversaries are very difficult for everyone who has lost someone.  I'm sorry you're struggling but I think its normal.  You love someone, you are close to someone, when they die, its like they just disappear and all we have left are our memories and its very hard.

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24601mom   

I think this is very normal.  I wonder if it would help to acknowledge the anniversaries in some way, as a means of accepting your grief, whether that means taking a day to do something in honour of their memory or going to a place where there are memories to celebrate them. I’ve found that’s helped me to focus on what was and what they meant to me and less on my regret that there wasn’t more time, although that’s always there. Take care. 

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reader   

Dear Andy,

I'm so sorry to hear about your beloved dad and friend. It is very hard to understand life sometimes.

I know you mentioned you tried face to face counselling before and it wasn't the right fit at that time.  It is hard to find a person one feels connected to enough to talk freely. I would suggest trying again to find a different counsellor or support group. I know some counsellors will do sessions over the phone or Skype.

I find these websites helpful: What's Your Grief and the Grief Healing Blog.

Don't be afraid to reach out and get some additional supports. I too felt like was I was going down a dark path, but I found being around people who could validate and acknowledge my feelings made a difference. I know others have suggested meditation, journaling, painting, try to do whatever feels right for you.

Please know you are not alone. Take care of yourself.

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