Sick and tired of this

[Sweetheart346]

Really have no idea where else to put this rant so I decided to do it here. Yesterday made it five months since my mother died. I was tremendously depressed and actually felt suicidal. I started thinking about how I can just go drown myself in a lake two minutes away from us walking distance. Then I thought about how my close friends and family would be affected. Then I just continued crying. Had no appetite so I didn't eat much. Today I felt sort of better. A lady who was best friends with my mother (and I'm close to their son), called me today. I told her what happened yesterday and how I really felt. She went straight to saying how I should have gone to church or read the Bible. I got furious and started saying how I feel and how I don't believe in worshipping a god who did not even listen to any of our prayers the whole time leading up to my mother's death. Then she said it was God's plan for what happened and he had a better reason for why things turned out the way they did. That basically makes it seem as if god shortened her life even though my mom never deserved it to be shortened. Being told that death isn't permanent makes it feel like my pain is useless and I'm mourning for no reason. When really I do have a reason to be depressed over the death of my mother. I'm starting to feel as if she is really just trying to comfort HERSELF. I told her how serious it was and how the depression prevented me from even doing my usual activities and that is when she decided to tell me I should speak to a counselor at my college. That is what she should've said in the very beginning. She knows how I feel when people bring up god and that he will make things better for us and we will see my mom again on judgment day. Literally makes no sense how since your body rots with time after you die. Still, she continues. She said she wont bring up god in our conversations anymore but I know that is a lie since she does every weekend we speak on the phone. It's really annoying and doesnt help me in any way. What helps one person wouldn't help the other person and she refuses to understand that and actually live by it. I'm tired of being preached to. I need people to rant to that wouldn't use a magical being as an excuse for what happened to me. She always says that she is suffering from her loss as well. She was her best friend, I was my mother's daughter pretty much all my life. There's a difference between our bond with my mother and it seems as if she is trying to minimize my pain. Just wanted to get that out even if nobody will respond.

[sadandlost]

Dear sweetheart346,

I can understand your anger.  I hate those type of comments.  "god's plan",  "it wasn't meant to be",  etc, etc.  They aren't helpful and I agree the people that say them just say them to feel better themselves.  Personally I think the ultimate thing you can give someone who is grieving is, just being there and listening and try not to make stupid comments.  

I remember my friend saying to me, "you'll see your life will change now, your mother will help you".  She said this because when she lost her mother (whom she wasn't close to and had a difficult relationship with) suddenly everything in her life started to go better and things fell into place.  She believed her mother was helping her so that will happen to me too!  It didn't!!  There is nothing to compare with losing a mother.  Nothing.

[tessa]

Hi sweetheart. I understand your frustration/anger. I yelled at a friend the other day on this topic. It's a difficult topic. People don't know what to say. Some try to fix it like talking about God but it cannot be fixed. Our mothers are gone. No God is going to bring her back. She's gone forever. There is nothing that can be said or done except to give us a hug and let us cry and vent.

Having said that, your mother's friend sounds like a kind soul. She sounds like she's concerned about you and so is keeping in contact every weekend. She's a kind person, she means well, she just doesn't know what to say or do.

In such a situation, I would smile sweetly and pretend to agree whenever God steps into the picture. I'd pretend to agree while I remind myself that she means well.

[midnight0thoughts]

Hey there, 

I just wanted to say that don't ever let anyone try to belittle your grief, whether it is intentional or not. Your mother's friend is dealing with her grief differently than what works for you, and though I think she means well, this is not what you need to hear right now. I can't tell you what to do to make it easier, but allow time to show you how to heal. Some days are going to be a lot tougher than others, this just makes it more important to find a strong support system - be it friends, family, counselling or doing something that makes you happy. 

It's been three years since I lost my mother, it still stings every single day. Do what is best for you right now, and be gentle with yourself.