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Sweetisabelle

8 months...it's been a bad couple of days

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I'm having a really bad day... or couple of days... and I'm hoping that I could just come here and talk to people who actually "get it".

It has been 8 months since I suddenly lost my mom. The day before she passed away she went in for a colonoscopy. She came home, was happy and well. She was in high spirits, I think she was relieved to have the test done and over with. The next morning all I heard was her trying to breathe, I heard her say to my dad that she didn't understand what was happening. I didn't get to hold her, I was too busy trying to get her prescriptions together, and to get the pets out of the way so the ambulance could get to me mom quicker. I saw my moms face, I saw the fear and the confusion. I saw her colour changing, I saw her fading. I didn't get to talk to her, I didn't get to be with her. It all happened so quickly. 

Here I am 8 months later. Feeling more alone than ever. It seems like everyone expects me to be "over" this loss. No one understands that I can't sleep at night because I hate the idea of waking up the next day and my mom not being here. No one understands that nearly everyday I'm thinking about how could this be? What happened? Why her? We know it was a pulmonary embolism but are still waiting for a report to tell us what happened. I feel like my mom didn't just "pass away". I feel like she was taken. 

I don't know how to cope with this loss anymore. I'm trying to keep going, I'm trying to keep up with university, but it is so hard when so many hours of my day are lost because my heart hurts or because I'm thinking about my mom. So many hours are lost because I feel alone, and I wallow in this grief alone. My friends don't get it. It was just thanksgiving here today, and I thought that maybe I would hear from someone, just to know that someone is thinking about my family. But that doesn't happen. I keep getting the feeling everyone expects me to be over this loss and to get on with my life. 

This week has already been extremely painful. First thanksgiving, and then in a few days is my moms birthday. She was looking forward to her birthday this year. I don't know how to cope with the pain. I don't know how to balance school and grief. It is all so challenging. Nothing can "fix" this, and I'm coming to accept that. I'm comping to accept that I will likely always have a emptiness, I will always long for my mom. But I just wish others understand. I wish I didn't have to carry the pain alone. 

I miss my mom so so much. This world seems like a colder place without her. I wish my poor mom didn't have to go through what she went through. My heart aches every time I imagine how she must have felt 

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Dear Sweetisabelle,

Sending you love and hugs. It is horribly hard to carry on without our beloved parent. I hear you. Its been almost one year since my father passed and I still feel as you do. It is hard because so many people who love us, just want us to be happy. But how can we be happy without our mom or dad.

Please know you are not alone. Keep coming here and talking it out with us. We will be here to listen and support you.

For myself, I have tried other avenues to get more support. I don't know if you have tried grief counselling or joining a support group, sometimes they can be helpful. I also like these websites for helping me feel less alone:

What's Your Grief

The Grief Healing Blog

Grief in Common

Take care of yourself.

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Dear sweetisabelle,

We understand because we are going through it too.  Your friends won't understand if they haven't been through it.  We do because this is our daily existence.  Its 8 months for me too since I lost my mom.  After 6 months I thought it was a little better but i realise now it was just a better week!  In fact now there is a deeper level of loss as time has gone on.  I don't know how it will get better?  I am sorry you had the trauma of how your mom died.  You must re live that constantly and I am so sorry for you.  I re live the last year of my mom's life constantly.  How her illness progressed, how her family turned on me and made a painful situation unbearable.  The last few weeks in the hospital.  She would get better, get worse, new condition, improvement then suddenly she declined and died.  Nothing can prepare you.  For you though, your mother it seems was well until she had the colonoscopy?  I see why you feel she was taken from you.  Its so hard.  Each day is hard for me too.  I'm thinking its probably going to be this bad next year too until we find a way to be in the world without our mothers.  I am sorry for your loss.

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Dear sweetisabelle,

its been 10 months since I lost my Mum, I was her carer for ten years, 

its hard trying to process to what actually happened, I get that quite a lot, its a mind boggle >.< 

everytime though Its hard that you have to exist when that void of emptiness is there! I feel for you! Just take one day at time (I know its harder than said) Im feeling bad because this will be my first Christmas without my Mum all three of us as now just my grandmother and me....But rather take one day at a time and try your best, Im sure your mum would be proud of you even the little things! If you ever want to talk feel free! Your not alone! xxx Sorry for your loss xxx

 

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Athina   

It's been almost a year since my mom passed away and I still cannot process what happened. The grief really defines me. Every second I am reminded that I do not have her anymore. The pain has become somewhat deeper, all-encompassing. I do not share with anyone about her anymore because people would think I am going crazy. But I still cry myself to sleep every night. This is how much I miss her.

@Sweetisabelle, like you, I also didnt get to hold her, I was so scared what happened. It was also sudden and out of the blue. Now again I start to think why I didn't bring myself to see her dead, I start having visions how her cold body was left in hospital's morgue and what a coward had I been... 

It's been a year and she's still so much everywhere. Maybe the shock has worn out a little, but this one year mark is somewhat a hit. Soon it will be years, not months, since she's gone. And this distance makes me even sadder.

I do not have any advice for you. I also feel robbed of many more years with my mother. None of our friends will understand this until it happens to them. It is hard to be a pioneer in this field. 

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Dear Athina,

I feel exactly as you feel as its been almost 9 months since I lost my mother.  I don't speak about it to anyone and no one actually asks because they assume its in the past now.  As time goes on though its just sad and empty and I feel joyless doing the things that I once enjoyed.  I know how you feel because its the same for me.

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