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Brother passed this year - No feelings

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My big bro passed a few months ago - 58 yrs old.  He had a mental illness for over 35 years and that put him in the "danger to others" column.  We, the family that is, were his care-taker for his entire life.  A bit of relief on my part since initially he was taken care of by other members of my family and even my wife whom is now deceased.  When she passed 7 years ago I became the sole care taker and I always worried what would happen if I passed before he did.  He would not have had anybody left to honor and pray for him and to to take care of him properly.  He was a former Marine and was honorably discharged so I wanted to make sure he got an Honor Guard and was buried in the proper cemetery  and was remembered as opposed to just been put in a grave without remembrance.  So, in a  way I am relieved because the daily stress is gone and his life is complete without major incidents and he has honor.  I did not get all emotional as we had a typical bro to bro relationship for 58 years and it was complete.  It was a care taker role and I saw the cycles and changes and was sort of prepared for the end as opposed to it being a surprise.  I think that explains the neutral emotions.  Do not get me wrong, I loved him and took care of him just like family is supposed to do, but the long drawn out emotions and inner hole is not there.  I think it may have been gradual  and his passing was part of that plan and my emotions leaked out over the many years.  But, I dug out an old pic of us, 8 x 10 of us when we were 5 and 3, and put that one up next to his Marine pic and our Mom's pic and that makes me feel complete. Out of all the pics this one is in color and we are sitting next to each other with his arms around me.  We had the greatest smiles on our face and were so very happy without a care in the world!  Semper Fi! RIP Marine!  

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I am so sorry for your loss of your brother. It is so honorable and awesome you took care of him. It's okay you are feeling as you do. When my father died, I was immensely relieved on the one hand because of his severe suffering, but I still loved him. 

We will be here with you,


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