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Azipod

1st Wedding Anniversary without my wife today

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I lost my wife just shy of 3-months ago.  Today would have been our 6-year anniversary.   It's been a difficult day, certainly not anywhere close the worse, but I've been under control, emotionally, for the most part.

My wife always valued our anniversaries.... so I decided to take the day off work today.   I started the day with a 12-mile bike ride around our community.   I also rode to the neighboring city where we had our wedding.   

At the golf-course where we had our wedding, I spent some time underneath the the front of the gazeebo where we exchanged our vows.  I stood at the exact same spot, faced the exact same direction, where I looked into my wife's eyes when I told her that I would spend the rest of my life with her.  Also from this position, I also took a few minutes to re-live the moments I had when I first saw her coming down the aisle in her wedding dress.  Then, I went next door to the reception hall to re-live some moments from our wedding.  I also took a few minutes to stand on the dance floor where we had our first dance as husband/wife.

Afterwards, I went to a florist to pick-up sunflowers (her favorite flowers) before I headed off to the cemetery.   Once there, I trimmed off the stems so that the sunflowers would fit the vase well.  Once this was done, I set them aside next to her headstone.  Then I laid out a grass cover and took out 2 lunches.  One for her, and one for me.  I lit 3 incense and we had lunch together.   I didn't have much to say.  I cried a bit, but my entire intention was to be able to spend "some time" together because I knew today would be a very special day for her.  I hope she was able to re-live some of our wedding with me today in spirit.  I know she would have given a thumbs up for today.

The day isn't over, it's only 2:30 PM here.  I'm not sure how the rest of the day is going to go, but if my emotions are in check, I should be able to make it through the day without much difficulty.   Tonight, I'm going to go out on my own for a prime-rib dinner.   It's just a little bit of something for me to pat myself in the back.      All in all... it's been a pretty sad day.

 

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Hi, Azipod. I haven't posted on here in a while. Every now and then I stop by and read a few posts and just "sit" with those that know how I feel. I just wanted to say that as difficult and sad as today is, I think it's wonderful that you've made this day count. Thank you for sharing it with us. 

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Azipod, Proud of you for having the courage for getting through a difficult day. Yes, those special days are hard, but what you chose to do in honor of your anniversary is touching and I'm sure your wife was with you in spirit. They don't forget their life here and the special days. Love is always a continual bond.

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Anniversaries are always hard especially when you do it solo and for the fist time.  All the things you did today were, in my opinion, simply beautiful and would have made any women feel special and I know your wife would have felt the same way.  The love you shared is endless ; love is not always about how many days, months or years you were together. Love is about how much you loved each other every single day.  That's the kind of love Charles and I had for one another.  When you come to the end of your lives together, the house you lived in, the cars you drove or the things you possessed won't matter. What will matter is that you loved and was there for one another.  To say I miss him is an understatement; I wish with all my heart that he was here with me and no matter how much time goes by, I'll never forget the first time he looked at me and I fell in love. 

On 9/25/2017 at 4:42 PM, Azipod said:

All in all... it's been a pretty sad day.

Good days give happiness; sad days makes you heartsick; worst days give lessons and the best of days, give memories.  Sometimes we need those sad days to help us appreciate the truly happy ones.,

I know in my heart that we will meet our loved ones again in another life someday and those special times will once again be shared; only this time, it would be for eternity.  I know you are feeling pretty sad, so I won't tell you to have a wonderful day; instead I'll just say to you *Hold On*.  As the darkest days start to get less, the sun will rise again for you.   Stay Strong; you are in my prayers.

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3 hours ago, Azipod said:

I lost my wife just shy of 3-months ago.  Today would have been our 6-year anniversary.   It's been a difficult day, certainly not anywhere close the worse, but I've been under control, emotionally, for the most part.

My wife always valued our anniversaries.... so I decided to take the day off work today.   I started the day with a 12-mile bike ride around our community.   I also rode to the neighboring city where we had our wedding.   

At the golf-course where we had our wedding, I spent some time underneath the the front of the gazeebo where we exchanged our vows.  I stood at the exact same spot, faced the exact same direction, where I looked into my wife's eyes when I told her that I would spend the rest of my life with her.  Also from this position, I also took a few minutes to re-live the moments I had when I first saw her coming down the aisle in her wedding dress.  Then, I went next door to the reception hall to re-live some moments from our wedding.  I also took a few minutes to stand on the dance floor where we had our first dance as husband/wife.

Afterwards, I went to a florist to pick-up sunflowers (her favorite flowers) before I headed off to the cemetery.   Once there, I trimmed off the stems so that the sunflowers would fit the vase well.  Once this was done, I set them aside next to her headstone.  Then I laid out a grass cover and took out 2 lunches.  One for her, and one for me.  I lit 3 incense and we had lunch together.   I didn't have much to say.  I cried a bit, but my entire intention was to be able to spend "some time" together because I knew today would be a very special day for her.  I hope she was able to re-live some of our wedding with me today in spirit.  I know she would have given a thumbs up for today.

The day isn't over, it's only 2:30 PM here.  I'm not sure how the rest of the day is going to go, but if my emotions are in check, I should be able to make it through the day without much difficulty.   Tonight, I'm going to go out on my own for a prime-rib dinner.   It's just a little bit of something for me to pat myself in the back.      All in all... it's been a pretty sad day.

 

You are really strong person I must say.

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I think what you've been doing today is beautiful. My heart goes out to you with my prayers. 

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Thank you everyone.   As nightfall came around, I'm actually feeling better.  Perhaps what I did today gave me some comfort, knowing that I can still do meaningful things for my wife even though we are on different planes (earth vs. spirit).  

It breaks my heart to know that our lives can be so brutal.   This has been a profound experience to say the least.  I've always lived my life believing that things will always be fine so as long as the finances are in place.  My wife on the other hand, could care less about finances and cherished every day of her life by enjoying and appreciating the simplest things.   I'm sad to learn that I did not understand her teachings, her way of life, until she left.   That said, I think I am a better person today (though I still have much to learn).   I just wished there was more that we could have done together.   She left way too soon.

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16 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Thank you everyone.   As nightfall came around, I'm actually feeling better.  Perhaps what I did today gave me some comfort, knowing that I can still do meaningful things for my wife even though we are on different planes (earth vs. spirit).  

It breaks my heart to know that our lives can be so brutal.   This has been a profound experience to say the least.  I've always lived my life believing that things will always be fine so as long as the finances are in place.  My wife on the other hand, could care less about finances and cherished every day of her life by enjoying and appreciating the simplest things.   I'm sad to learn that I did not understand her teachings, her way of life, until she left.   That said, I think I am a better person today (though I still have much to learn).   I just wished there was more that we could have done together.   She left way too soon.

In my case I was more concern about finances and he was care free, he  always told me to not to think too much about future, live in present. But I was the person who plan everything I don't like if any problem come to my way so suddenly and I had no solution for that. Now I have biggest problem/crisis of my life and I have no plan, no solution, all I am doing is living in present and not thinking about future like he used to tell me. 

In his last few days, we were planning to buy home ,and having kids, even I was looking for day care near to our place, can you imagine how far I was planning and yet I was not pregnant. Actually, I loved to plan everything but now fate just slapped on my face and teach me to not plan anything, nothing is permanent.  

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10 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

In my case I was more concern about finances and he was care free, he  always told me to not to think too much about future, live in present. But I was the person who plan everything I don't like if any problem come to my way so suddenly and I had no solution for that. Now I have biggest problem/crisis of my life and I have no plan, no solution, all I am doing is living in present and not thinking about future like he used to tell me. 

In his last few days, we were planning to buy home ,and having kids, even I was looking for day care near to our place, can you imagine how far I was planning and yet I was not pregnant. Actually, I loved to plan everything but now fate just slapped on my face and teach me to not plan anything, nothing is permanent.  

We may be alike.   I plan for the future.  I don't like to have to deal with the unexpected.  I plan the future so that I would have the security and comfort knowing that things will be fine.  When we do this, we think we have it all under controlled.  While there is nothing wrong with planning the future, I think to some degree, I had a real huge sense of false security.

When I lost my wife, my security was completely shattered.  It literally happened over a course of 1-second.   VULNERABILITY was never in my vocabulary before.  Why would it been?  I've always had things together.  I had a plan.  I had my future laid out.   But no.  When tragedy struck, it literally turned me from believing that I was secured to 100% VULNERABLE.     It knocked the bejesus out of me.

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2 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

You are really strong person I must say.

Strong person today.   But not all the time.  This was a good day.  The sea was calm.   It's not like this for me everyday.   Today, I knew I had to step-up my game for my wife.  I owe this day to her.  Even though I did everything I wanted, it wasn't easy.    There was a lot of emotions and a lot of energy put into it.   I'm sure I'll be sleeping well tonight.

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5 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Strong person today.   But not all the time.  This was a good day.  The sea was calm.   It's not like this for me everyday.   Today, I knew I had to step-up my game for my wife.  I owe this day to her.  Even though I did everything I wanted, it wasn't easy.    There was a lot of emotions and a lot of energy put into it.   I'm sure I'll be sleeping well tonight.

After reading your post I am concerned about my proposal anniversary. I was planning before to post a love note for my husband but things are so changed now. But I will write my journal that day for sure also I will send him private mail so that its secure and no one else can read my message. 

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Azipod,

You spent the day beautifully, honoring your wife, remembering your wedding day.  I don't think we always have to be strong, sometimes we don't feel like it, it's okay to cry, to let down.  I know some cultures think differently, aren't allowed to show their emotion, but that doesn't take away their emotion, doesn't mean it's not there.  We get through these special days the best way we know to and it sounds like you did well under the circumstances.

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Hugs my friend.

All firsts are difficult and it doesn't stop after one year as we all think. Kids will be going to High school first day etc. We learn how to cope and move forward one step at a time. Stay strong and this day will also pass. I just had one sad anniversary and similar to marriage anniversary kept crying from morning to evening whenever I can but next day was fine.

 

Hugs

Manoj

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16 hours ago, Azipod said:

I've always lived my life believing that things will always be fine so as long as the finances are in place.  My wife on the other hand, could care less about finances and cherished every day of her life by enjoying and appreciating the simplest things.   I'm sad to learn that I did not understand her teachings, her way of life, until she left.   That said, I think I am a better person today (though I still have much to learn).   I just wished there was more that we could have done together.   She left way too soon.

Opposites do attract.  The important thing is you learned and are a better person because of it.  We all have a lot more to learn; but if we learn to never hate; don't worry; live simply; expect little; give a lot; smile;  help others less fortunate; live; and  best of all, Love and trust God, than I think we'll be OK!   I too wanted and wish for more time with my Charles; so many things were left unfinished; sometimes I think that it was not that we had too little time to do all the things we needed to do, but felt the need to do too much in the time we had.

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