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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
Paluka

This hurts so much - my ex in-laws

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My beloved, Lauri and I were married September 9, 2017. We actually had our first date in October of 2013 but I was too afraid to commit. 

In January 2017 we reconnected. It was fantastic. I was able to see her as the wonderful person she had been all along. 

We dated and decided it was time to get married. Lauri was only 45 years old. I am 50 years old. 

Lauri was a shining light in my life and many lives. She cared for and looked out for others. She was a rock for me when I needed her as I was for her. I teased her about being a "mom" to so many people but I loved her for it. It is a part of her legacy. 

When we talked about getting married there was never any hesitation. We knew we belonged together. We were so happy to be together and to be married. We'd celebrate the time we had together everyday. Our relationship and marriage was exactly what We had always wanted and we didn't take one another for granted. We both had our struggles in our lives (who hasn't?) but these struggles seemed to disappear. The ease and comfort of being together flowed naturally. We did everything together. 
 
I remember going to bed when we were both exhausted yet somehow we'd always start talking and laughing about silly things (stupid jokes, talking about the kids or our families). All the while we'd be snuggled up with one another as only we could. This was our favorite part of the day. 
 
We'd sit side-by-side on the sofa in the mornings having coffee together. She'd tell me random stories, we'd talk about things we were planning or discuss what we'd like to do. Our last morning together we were talking about how we were going to paint the inside of the house and fix a few things here and there. She'd always thank me for tolerating her "constant blabbering" but I loved listening to her, watching her face light up when she'd talk. I wouldn't have had it any other way. She was a truly incredible woman and my best friend. 
 
On September 14, 2017 I kissed her, told her I loved her and went to work. When I came home for lunch she wasn't feeling well at all. I wanted to take her to the doctor but she said she needed to rest. I put her to bed and stayed a few minutes. When I got home from work that afternoon she was not responsive. I did CPR until the paramedics arrived and took over. We could not save her. 
 
Her initial autopsy showed no cause of death. Now we are waiting on the toxicology report to see what it may show. 
 
I am so confused. I have not the first idea of how to handle this. Grief, anger and immense sadness come in waves. Sometimes I think I will be swept away and lose myself in it all. Other times I talk to her. I tell her how much I miss her and love her. Nothing makes sense. 
 
Someone told me "Lauri did not leave you behind. She's just a little further ahead of you on the same journey." I pray this is the case because we will have a lot of catching up to do. She's probably thrilled that I'm chasing her. 
 
Please help me. Last night and today were the worst days so far. I cried almost nonstop. I feel like I failed her. 

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Paluka,

I am so sorry that you have lost your wife. We here understand how the loss of a soulmate feels. I wish there were words to say to make you feel any better but there just isnt. It's silly to think you failed her. You were the companion to spend her last year on earth with her so she spent the rest of her life with you. There was nothing you could have done diffferently to change the outcome as you say there werent even any signs previously. Dont beat yourself up. Grief is hard enough without guilt and I have been blaming myself so I'd know!

I'm at 2.5 months into losing my boyfriend of almost 5 years and I still cry everyday and sad as ever. Unfortunately, we wont feel better anytime soon. Your loss is so new so you're probably still shock without even realising it. I am too depressed at the moment to give any constructive advice and I am sorry for that. Feel free to cry, scream, and rant all you want. We are here and we understand. There are those of us here that are longer into grief and I recommend you find their posts on the forum and read them. Hugs X

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You were only married 5 days before she passed? My God. It must seem like the cruelest joke ever. I’m so so sorry for your loss. Like TD said, here you will find people that understand how you feel. Keep coming here and keep posting.

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Paluka,

I am so so sorry.  George and I didn't meet until our 40s and I understand the feeling gypped just as you got your lives put together and were so happy.  He died just after his 51st birthday.  It's very much a shock!

YuYu lost his wife, six days after they married.  It's hard to conceive, yet I'm glad you got to get married, because my bet is that is something she dreamed of with you.

I hope you'll continue coming here and reading and posting, it really does help to have this safe place to come to where others get it.  It helps to know you're not alone in your experience, even though everyone's journey is unique, we get it.

I hope you get some answers as to why/how she died.  It can feel surreal, like this can't be happening, I'll wake up and find this was a nightmare.  Only we never wake up from it.

We do learn to adjust eventually, but this is not a quick journey, it's a process that continues.  I didn't think it possible to live without him for even a week, but 12 years later, I'm still here.  One day at a time.

 

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Thank you KayC. I am glad that we were able to get married. It was something we both wanted. 

It is very surreal. She was healthy and we had worked out together the day before. 

I will continue to read and post. 

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I had a dream last night. I saw Lauri and she smiled at me. I went to a memorial service to celebrate her life with friends that could not attend her wake or funeral. I promised myself I would go. I cried a lot but laughed too. 

After this, I quieted myself and just talked to Lauri. I asked her to help me. I asked for her forgiveness if needed. I just told her about how I feel and to please watch over me and family. 

The Main Point: This young man who worked for Lauri just contacted me to see how I was doing. I was honest with him. He said a lot of things that really helped me. His perspective on this was important. I can't help but think that Lauri nudged him to contact me. Out of all my friends and family a young guy (20) who I've met maybe 3 times reaches out to me and helps me. Thank you, God and Thank you, Lauri. 

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Paluka, Your and Lauri's story is both a love story and very heart breaking. I am deeply sorry. i can tell by your words how much pain you feel. It is unfair and incomprehensible why life operates the way it does with tragedies.What should have been a beautiful newlywed time was taken away. I hope for your sake, a cause of death is found, so you are not left with that burden of wondering on top of your grieving.

You mention having a dream of Lauri. Take comfort from that. It very well could have been her way of letting you know that she is OK. keep talking to her. I do believe our loved ones can see and hear us.

I'm glad that young man reached out and talked to you. He must have been raised by a compassionate family or has experienced loss already in his young life. We need understanding and support from others so much.

Sending prayers for comfort and peace to you-------

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Paluka,

The dream you had could have been her letting you know she's okay.  And the young man, I'm glad he was able to help you.  God works in mysterious ways.  Wishing you some peace and rest...

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Paluka

I am so sorry for your loss;  it is so apparent the love you and your Lauri had for one another and the short time you shared, its evident you loved a lifetime.  I had that kind of love with my Charles.   I was truly bless to have had 45 years with the man of my dreams.  I know exactly what you are experiencing. Sometimes I get so sad, so sad that I completely shut down.  I might find myself staring blankly at the walls, frozen in time, living in a fog, moving in slow motion, unable to think, and at that moment, it doesn't matter what people say to me because in that moment, I don't exist.   The moment my Charles was taken from this earth was one of those moments.  My heart was split in two; one side was filled with loving memories; the other side died with him.  Many nights I can't seem to sleep and I find myself laying awake at night (when the world is sleeping) and taking a stroll down memory lane with tears rolling down my cheeks.  Remembering my Charles is easy; I do it everyday; but missing him is a heartache that never seems to go away. 

On 9/22/2017 at 3:50 PM, Paluka said:

. Grief, anger and immense sadness come in waves. Sometimes I think I will be swept away and lose myself in it all. Other times I talk to her. I tell her how much I miss her and love her. Nothing makes sense. 

You're so right.  The harsh reality of grief is that once the funeral is over, people move on with their lives, leaving you all alone to walk this lonely and painful journey.  Little does anyone care that for a griever, everyday is a new battle to start being strong all over again.  Sure, life goes on, but I miss him every hour and the worst part is, it caught me completely by surprise.  I'd catch myself walking around the house or calling out his name to find him, not for any particular reason, just out of habit.  Perhaps I'd seen something or TV or heard something on the radio, I wanted to tell him about or because I wanted to hear his voice or just be in his presence.    And then I realize, he is not there anymore, and every time, every single time, it was like having the wind knocked out of me all over again.  I never prepared myself to live the rest of my life without my Charles and while my mind knows he is in a better place where there is no pain, hurt or sufferings; I just wish I could explain that to my heart.  I know his spirit is at peace.  Our egos tell us that once everything falls into place, we will  find peace, our spirit tells us to find peace and everything will fall into place. 

My faith tells me that someday I'll be with Charles again only this time, we will never have to worry about parting again. I'm looking forward to that day.  In the meantime, God will fill my spirit with peace; you see, HE sends no one away empty except those who are full of themselves.

Continue to post.  My prayer is for God to give you Peace, Hope and Strength.  Peace to ease your spirit; Hope that it will get better; and Strength to hold on until it does.

 

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Paluka, I am so saddened by your post.  I cannot believe how life could be so brutal to all of us. This is a long journey that will put you on the edge.  It will be both physically and emotionally draining.  If you have not, please start to piece together a support system, whether that may be friends, family, neighbors, or a local grief support group.  The fact that you are joining us and sought help here is great. Feel free to keep posting here.  We are all on a nightmare day in and day out.  We will be here to support you.

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Again I find myself wishing for a "like" button!  Francine and Azipod, your words are perfect, I hope they are of help and comfort to Paluka.

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5 minutes ago, KayC said:

Again I find myself wishing for a "like" button!  Francine and Azipod, your words are perfect, I hope they are of help and comfort to Paluka.

They added these terrible ads to the site. Maybe they could add a like feature as well. I find myself wishing for a way to like or fav things like on FB or IG. Does anyone know the mods that could possibly make this happen?

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I should say that I do understand the point of the ads. I just hate seeing suggestions for a dress Kayla would have loved when I log on here because I’m missing her so badly

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9 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I should say that I do understand the point of the ads. I just hate seeing suggestions for a dress Kayla would have loved when I log on here because I’m missing her so badly

And if this horrible thing not happened in my life, I would love to check all these Ads dresses and shop, will show to my husband for his comments. Now I just close them.

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I am going back to work today. Honestly, I am nervous. I believe I'm nervous because it means somewhat of a return to my routine (which I need). However, it feels like this signifies that I'm somehow "okay" when I'm no where near ok. This pain is unbearable and overwhelming. 

No matter how hard I try I still feel guilty for Lauri's death. Intellectually I know I did the best I could at the time but emotionally I feel like I failed her. She sent me this text August 27, 2017. I hold on to it to try to feel her love. 

"It is so unreal the way I love you. It fills me up inside like I would have never imagined I did not know feelings like this were possible. When I would think about how I wanted my life with you to be;  my expectations of our relationship were pretty high. Based on previous experiences with other relationships on what would and would not be acceptable in my life; what I would or would not settle for; you know.....stuff like that. 
The here and now substance of our relationship and the reality of our life has so far surpassed my requirements for peace, joy, safety, security and love. What I have and feel for you really can't be spoken and the lengths I will go to keep what I have are a little scary. There is no doubt  that this is the best my life has ever been. I will keep and hold you for the rest of my life."

She kept her promise. She just died way too soon. 

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Paluka,  I wish you well on going back to work. i can imagine the conflict of feelings. The need for the income and a return to the familiarity of routine. It will appear on the outside to others that you are "OK", but they have no idea how you feel on the inside. It is on the inside that we carry all the pain and sadness.

That is a beautiful text from Lauri. Words you can cherish forever. She had the knowledge of how blessed and loved she was by you. She wasn't afraid of expressing her feelings and sharing her heart.

I think we all feel guilty in some respects for our partners leaving us. We are humans operating on emotions. Logically, we know we didn't do anything wrong and we did all we could at that time. It takes the heart longer to catch on to that.:wub:

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1 hour ago, Paluka said:

I am going back to work today. Honestly, I am nervous. I believe I'm nervous because it means somewhat of a return to my routine (which I need). However, it feels like this signifies that I'm somehow "okay" when I'm no where near ok. This pain is unbearable and overwhelming. 

Paluka, that was a beautiful text from your wife.    Good luck on your 1st day back to work.  Remember that it's OK to feel down.  You should take frequent breaks if you can.   Try to find a place where you can "separate" yourself from everyone else at moments in need.    When I initially returned back to work, I made sure I had an escape.  My escape was my own office.   When I need to cry, I just close my doors for a few minutes, cry, re-open the door, and then continue to work.    Just don't hold it in.     If you need to go to the toilet stall to cry, then go ahead.  You will have those moments and it is entirely OK.     Even things as simple as walking around the block outdoors can be refreshing.   You'll still feel really down, but it's something to change up the environment as oppose to just sitting at your work station.       Know that going back to work is a huge step.   Just take it 1/2 a work day at a time.  Good luck.

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3 hours ago, Azipod said:

Paluka, that was a beautiful text from your wife.    Good luck on your 1st day back to work.  Remember that it's OK to feel down.  You should take frequent breaks if you can.   Try to find a place where you can "separate" yourself from everyone else at moments in need.    When I initially returned back to work, I made sure I had an escape.  My escape was my own office.   When I need to cry, I just close my doors for a few minutes, cry, re-open the door, and then continue to work.    Just don't hold it in.     If you need to go to the toilet stall to cry, then go ahead.  You will have those moments and it is entirely OK.     Even things as simple as walking around the block outdoors can be refreshing.   You'll still feel really down, but it's something to change up the environment as oppose to just sitting at your work station.       Know that going back to work is a huge step.   Just take it 1/2 a work day at a time.  Good luck.

I cry in my office once every few hours. And cry some more hiding in the bathroom during lunch break. No more lovely lunches with him. My life is really terrible. I will visit his mother in 2 weeks and scatter his ashes together. After that I have nothing to look forward to. No damn thing to do for me in this world. Then I can start making serious plans. While at work today, I wondered if it would be suicide if I went upstairs to one of the labs and injected myself with a cancer tissue sample. I really will find a way out of this. I cant stay in this world for a long time. 

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It wasnt right for me to be too dark in that earlier post. I am sorry guys. Paluka, I hope your first day at work is going well. I hope your coworkers are nice and understanding toward you. I love the text your wife has sent you. I hope that you can cope better than I do! X

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9 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

I cry in my office once every few hours. And cry some more hiding in the bathroom during lunch break. No more lovely lunches with him. My life is really terrible. I will visit his mother in 2 weeks and scatter his ashes together. After that I have nothing to look forward to. No damn thing to do for me in this world. Then I can start making serious plans. While at work today, I wondered if it would be suicide if I went upstairs to one of the labs and injected myself with a cancer tissue sample. I really will find a way out of this. I cant stay in this world for a long time. 

Don't worry.  My days are just like yours.  I'm here at work because I have to.   I have moments where I need "alone time" so that I can grieve.   I can't take much stress at work.  If there is a slightest bit of pressure I need to take time out and compose myself.

But yes, there is nothing to look forward to.  After work tonight, I'm going to my Tuesday evening grief counseling.  Whoopie!  Not.   This is a very sad life.    I'm hoping that I get a heart failure soon.  I'm healthy except for high-cholesterol.  I stopped eating  a high-fiber breakfast like I use to.   I'm starting to eat more yummy and fatty foods.     THUMBS UP if I get a clogged artery and die.  I don't care!

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22 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Don't worry.  My days are just like yours.  I'm here at work because I have to.   I have moments where I need "alone time" so that I can grieve.   I can't take much stress at work.  If there is a slightest bit of pressure I need to take time out and compose myself.

But yes, there is nothing to look forward to.  After work tonight, I'm going to my Tuesday evening grief counseling.  Whoopie!  Not.   This is a very sad life.    I'm hoping that I get a heart failure soon.  I'm healthy except for high-cholesterol.  I stopped eating  a high-fiber breakfast like I use to.   I'm starting to eat more yummy and fatty foods.     THUMBS UP if I get a clogged artery and die.  I don't care!

I am inclined to enjoy healthy food and drinks. I just stopped eating anything healthy. I don't even cook anymore. I force myself to have a few bites of unhealthy stuff and that's all that I eat everyday. A few bites. I don't feel that its right for me to enjoy food and drinks when he can't any longer. 

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Paluka,

I'm so sorry for your loss. My heart is deeply broken while reading your post. Your love story is quite similar from ours. I went back to work 10 days after my husband passed away. I just thought I needed to be out and be busy I work as a nanny and been with the family for 7 yrs now we all treat each other a family.  My employer was very supportive and understanding. When the kids are in school I spend most of my time at the park reading a book or talking to my husband ,and taking a walk. But a lot of times they still see me cry and the kids I'm looking after will just hug me and make me lots of cards , they said to make me happy again.

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56 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

It wasnt right for me to be too dark in that earlier post. I am sorry guys. Paluka, I hope your first day at work is going well. I hope your coworkers are nice and understanding toward you. I love the text your wife has sent you. I hope that you can cope better than I do! X

You don’t have to apologize. Life is dark and pointless. We all know it

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