Jump to content
Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
  • Announcements

    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
gisele98

Does anyone else feel this?

Recommended Posts

gisele98   

Does anyone else feel like they're living in the past?

 Not a day goes by in which I don't think about my life prior to his passing. The months before. I'm also afraid of change and it's weird for example, I haven't changed my phone lockscreen, I haven't done certain things, I haven't visited certain places cause they remind me that the last time I was there he was still here, I haven't dyed my hair cause the last time I did it he was still here etc. I can't move on. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
LoveGoli   
8 minutes ago, gisele98 said:

Does anyone else feel like they're living in the past?

 Not a day goes by in which I don't think about my life prior to his passing. The months before. I'm also afraid of change and it's weird for example, I haven't changed my phone lockscreen, I haven't done certain things, I haven't visited certain places cause they remind me that the last time I was there he was still here, I haven't dyed my hair cause the last time I did it he was still here etc. I can't move on. 

Yes, I am feeling this way. I am living in my past and in future wishes, I am not sure about others but I am definitely living in my past. I don't go anywhere except my office, still I imagine like he is still in office and we will meet EOD at our home. I imagine like he is still here and we will go our hometown on holidays, we will do this and that on weekends. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4191314   

Yes me too. His best friend told me that he can't feel his presence or soul anymore but I told him I still can. As crazy as it sounds, I still feel every single bit. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC   

@4191314Welcome here...perhaps when you're ready you can tell us a little more...who you lost, when, something about you.  I'm sorry for your reason for being here.  :(

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Eagle-96   

The past is all we have(in relation to our soulmates anyway). There won't be any new memories or new milestones. The past is what gives us quiet comfort. It's an escape to a happier time where our soulmate existed. A place where this world and it's grief didn't exist yet. Where the troubles and worries were insignificant compared to our present woes.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
RWT143   
6 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

The past is what gives us quiet comfort. It's an escape to a happier time where our soulmate existed. A place where this world and it's grief didn't exist yet. Where the troubles and worries were insignificant compared to our present woes.

Exactly... ❤

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KMB   
9 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

The past is all we have(in relation to our soulmates anyway). There won't be any new memories or new milestones. The past is what gives us quiet comfort. It's an escape to a happier time where our soulmate existed. A place where this world and it's grief didn't exist yet. Where the troubles and worries were insignificant compared to our present woes.

Ditto on that Sean. Our past is always going to be a part of our present and our future. We don't want it to go away.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KMB   

4191314,   Welcome to our grief family. We are here for you. Feel free to read posts or  express your feelings whenever you feel the need. We know your pain and understand.:wub:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
jacbog   

After my spouse death I moved her things to wardrobe. I have been able to keep it hidden for like 4 hours. Then moved everything back. I couldn't stand numbness without her presence. All the time I have flashes from our past and I don't thing it will end soon. Life without her is nothing, so I'm glad that I can live in our past.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KMB   

jacbog,  Welcome to our grief family. I am deeply sorry for your losses, but I am glad you sought out this forum. This is a safe place for reading others posts and expressing your own thoughts and feelings. Only people who have experienced loss, truly understand.

Losing your father and shortly after, losing your wife, has to be extremely, doubly, devastating for you. I am sorry for the loneliness you are enduring. I lost my husband suddenly last year. I was in shock for a long time. Then came the denial. I still expect to come around a corner into another room and see him here. I still expect to see him walking in the door. It is so hard to try to get past those thoughts. I still have my husband's belongings where he he left them. I cannot bear to sort through or remove anything. I need the evidence that was he here. That our life together was real.

There are no rules or time frame for grieving. There is no rush to do anything. Keep your wife's things for as long as you want. The rest of your life if you want to. Do whatever is comfortable for you. This is your path to follow, no one elses.

Our grieving doesn't end. It takes a long time and a lot of patience, to get to the part on this new path, where we learn to adjust to our loss, a different life without our loved ones. Our past with our loved ones is something we never really let go of. it is a part of our heart.

I understand the loneliness so well. It is the hardest part of the grieving. We miss them so very much. It is even harder for those of us who live alone.

Sending you prayers for comfort and peace-----

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC   

Jacbog,

My husband's robe is still where he left it 12 years ago.  So is his hat.  I cried when I had to wash the sheets.  Nothing easy about this.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Francine   
On 9/21/2017 at 11:12 PM, gisele98 said:

Does anyone else feel like they're living in the past?

Not a day goes by in which I don't think about my life prior to his passing. The months before. I'm also afraid of change and it's weird for example, I haven't changed my phone lockscreen, I haven't done certain things, I haven't visited certain places cause they remind me that the last time I was there he was still here, I haven't dyed my hair cause the last time I did it he was still here etc. I can't move on. 

Yes, and that's where I want to be; the past, when I was happy, when my Charles and I were together, when I looked forward to my life and its purpose, when challenges were something I knew my Charles and I could overcome together; when love was life and life was worth living - it was very special.   Some people will tell you that if you don't leave your past in the past, it may destroy your future.  They will tell you to live for what today has to offer, not for what yesterday took away. And that may be true for some people - but not for me; I don't see a future for myself and that's OK - I'm willing to live with that.  Oh sure, I'll continue to exist and be there for my children, watch my grandchildren grow and hopefully become more active in whatever I choose to do.  But when my Charles left this earth, my future went with him. 

I think I know when to  stop; I know when to let things go; I know when to move on.   The hard part is "I KNOW" is different from *I CAN* because its so hard to move on from someone who gave you so much to remember.  For those who can, Kudos, to them, I applaud them, I'm truly happy for them - I JUST CAN'T.  :(

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

We all fell same way. I take out her stuff to give some things to others but then keep it back. Still feel her smell in her  clothes which are still in her closet. Sometimes walks like zombie slowly slowly thinking about her. I have been one year out and sometimes it looks like 15 min and sometimes 15 years. 

 

Manoj

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Azipod   

With the exception of our photos, I had to "consolidate" most of all of my wife's things into her closet.    One of my challenges in the earlier weeks was the fact that her things were still around the house when she physically wasn't here.   I asked my mother-in-law to come in and help me put away some of the things.   Most of the things are in the closet.  If I want a good cry, all I have to do is open her closet door and take a peek.   It is so sad to look at things that belong to someone who is no longer here..... and understanding that they will never be back to use it or to claim it.   On top of that, it feels so strange to have other people's property at your disposal -- the thought of someone "being gone" and yet all their stuff is left in your hands is a very strange and sad feeling.   Funny how we all get affected by different things.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
LoveGoli   
1 minute ago, Azipod said:

With the exception of our photos, I had to "consolidate" most of all of my wife's things into her closet.    One of my challenges in the earlier weeks was the fact that her things were still around the house when she physically wasn't here.   I asked my mother-in-law to come in and help me put away some of the things.   Most of the things are in the closet.  If I want a good cry, all I have to do is open her closet door and take a peek.   It is so sad to look at things that belong to someone who is no longer here..... and understanding that they will never be back to use it or to claim it.   On top of that, it feels so strange to have other people's property at your disposal -- the thought of someone "being gone" and yet all their stuff is left in your hands is a very strange and sad feeling.   Funny how we all get affected by different things.

His last used clothes still hanging behind our door and I don't have courage yet to put them on closet. They are still hanging there and sometime I smell them , I found few currency in his pocket the last time we go to market and I saved those currencies in my wallet and I will never use them. Those last currency notes has his last touch and I don't want to buy anything from them. I just want to save everything which he last touched. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Azipod   
12 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

His last used clothes still hanging behind our door and I don't have courage yet to put them on closet. They are still hanging there and sometime I smell them , I found few currency in his pocket the last time we go to market and I saved those currencies in my wallet and I will never use them. Those last currency notes has his last touch and I don't want to buy anything from them. I just want to save everything which he last touched. 

It's important to save every last thing that has some connection with him.    If not, we will never have a chance to do it again in the future.  Keep those things for memories.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
LoveGoli   
5 minutes ago, Azipod said:

It's important to save every last thing that has some connection with him.    If not, we will never have a chance to do it again in the future.  Keep those things for memories.

Sometime I feel so weird that I am actually talking about him like this, LAST TOUCHED , oh gosh he is really gone and still I don't believe sometime. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Azipod   
24 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

Sometime I feel so weird that I am actually talking about him like this, LAST TOUCHED , oh gosh he is really gone and still I don't believe sometime. 

I know exactly what you mean. I can’t believe that my wife has not been in this house for 11-weeks.  It is so surreal.  It seems not possibe. This is her house too!  How could she not be here?

Even more, at the cemetery, I can’t still believe that she is under the ground.  The young, cheerful girl who always came up to me to hug me, is now laying inside a coffin underneath the ground!

How can this be possible? I truly thought we had a lifetime together.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
LoveGoli   
20 minutes ago, Azipod said:

I know exactly what you mean. I can’t believe that my wife has not been in this house for 11-weeks.  It is so surreal.  It seems not possibe. This is her house too!  How could she not be here?

Even more, at the cemetery, I can’t still believe that she is under the ground.  The young, cheerful girl who always came up to me to hug me, is now laying inside a coffin underneath the ground!

How can this be possible? I truly thought we had a lifetime together.

I always request god to give long life to my husband and whenever I go from this earth I want to go on his shoulder. I asked nothing else , I just asked for his long life and now all I want is to cut short my period but seems like he is not interested in my prayers. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC   
16 hours ago, KavitaHubby said:

We all fell same way. I take out her stuff to give some things to others but then keep it back. Still feel her smell in her  clothes which are still in her closet. Sometimes walks like zombie slowly slowly thinking about her. I have been one year out and sometimes it looks like 15 min and sometimes 15 years. 

 

Manoj

It's weird how the time seems warped...it can feel like yesterday and forever at the same time.  It's life changing.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC   
9 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

His last used clothes still hanging behind our door and I don't have courage yet to put them on closet. They are still hanging there and sometime I smell them , I found few currency in his pocket the last time we go to market and I saved those currencies in my wallet and I will never use them. Those last currency notes has his last touch and I don't want to buy anything from them. I just want to save everything which he last touched. 

My friend Rich, his wife was Thai, and he found a lot of Thai currency and held onto it...now it's worth nothing because their currency changed.  It was worth thousands of dollars at the time.
Alas, currency is not among George's belongings.  I was just thinking yesterday how strange it is, they had these things, they meant something to them, but could not take anything with them when they went, and now we're left cherishing what they left behind, it's all kind of weird.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Initially it was very difficult to get rid of anything of Rachel's her toothbrush, her deodorant, trashing anything felt like I was throwing her away.

Since then I have trashed things like that, was able to trash or give away items  with no sentimental value, donated most of her clothing. I have her glasses on the night stand where she left them still, and I didn't touch a lot of her personal effects for a while. It took me 2 months to clean the hand prints she left on the mirror in my bedroom.  I still have a bunch of her clothing hanging in the closest, they are items of clothing I closely associated with her. I know I have to give or donate them, just not ready yet.  My therapist asks if I plan to wear her dresses. I just say I'm not ready. 

I think we all grieve differently and you hold on to what you want and get rid of what you want when the time allows. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KMB   

My husband's hand print is still on the inside of the glass for the door leading to the deck. That print can stay there forever.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

We were in LA few years back and got hand wax for my daughter. Should have got it for her too as I would have been left as memory for me along with other items.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, TheRobShow said:

I know I have to give or donate them, just not ready yet.  My therapist asks if I plan to wear her dresses. I just say I'm not ready. 

You don’t HAVE to do anything if you don’t want to. Obviously you know your therapist and I don’t but that comment would have been the last one he ever made to me. Some people just don’t get it

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now


×