Jump to content
Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
  • Announcements

    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
M88

Changes that helped us cope throughout very early grief.

Recommended Posts

M88   

I feel it may help new members of our grief family if 'we' shared the things that we found helpful throughout the first few tortuous months of grief.  Nearly all of the things I've listed still apply 20 months into my grief.  

Constant reminder to self - one hour, or one day at a time. 

Quotes placed in various areas of my home. 

Chatting with friends on phone throughout my toughest hours each day. 

Sitting/laying on deck at night looking up at the stars & talking with my late hubby. 

Grief counselling. 

Informed friends and neighbours that if drapes still closed, I wasn't yet ready for visitors.

Talking with GP and nurses. 

Introduction to hypnotherapy by qualified psychologist/hypnotherapy. 

Hypnotherapy now via youtube for anxiety and sleep.

Subscribed to Netflix.

Grazed on easy healthy foods throughout the day, and eat chocolate and crisps at night.

Took the only thing in my home that initially brought me any comfort - my bedroom, and made it even more comforting and warmer with new bed linen and low lighting. 

Bought ipad & bluetooth box thingee and headphones so I could do what I needed to from my only place of comfort. 

Low lighting in lounge.

Very long showers. 

Said stuff the power bill, and turned up the heat so I wasn't both cold and miserable.

Set up auto payments for bills.  

Have various friends come for a couple of nights every now'n again.  I love having visitors stay, but two nights at a time seems to be all I can cope with at present. 

Had to let go of the people in my life who were making my grief more difficult to bear. 

Nurturing new friendships. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
M88   

Yes, LoveGoli - it didn't help with my recently aquired driving/road travel phobia which I initially went to see the psychologist/hypnotherapist about, but a big help for stress and sleep.  I don't always stay asleep, sometimes the silence wakes me - but when I wake I just press start again, or choose another.  The video recordings can be up to an hour long and I haven't heard the end of one yet!

There are many recordings on both hypno and Guided meditation, same thing really, to choose from on youtube.  Two Guys I like listening to are Michael Sealey and Jason Stephenson. Nice studio recordings and listening through headphones extra good  Hypno gives my mind a much needed rest.  

If listening to online hypno's sounds a bit scary, think about seeing a reputable, qualified hypnotherapist in a clinic first.  

If it helps, it sure beats taking medication.  Grief is a terribly difficult emotion to live with day in day out. Know that my heart goes out to you LoveGoli.  

Sending you strength, love and hugs Xx

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
LoveGoli   
38 minutes ago, M88 said:

Yes, LoveGoli - it didn't help with my recently aquired driving/road travel phobia which I initially went to see the psychologist/hypnotherapist about, but a big help for stress and sleep.  I don't always stay asleep, sometimes the silence wakes me - but when I wake I just press start again, or choose another.  The video recordings can be up to an hour long and I haven't heard the end of one yet!

There are many recordings on both hypno and Guided meditation, same thing really, to choose from on youtube.  Two Guys I like listening to are Michael Sealey and Jason Stephenson. Nice studio recordings and listening through headphones extra good  Hypno gives my mind a much needed rest.  

If listening to online hypno's sounds a bit scary, think about seeing a reputable, qualified hypnotherapist in a clinic first.  

If it helps, it sure beats taking medication.  Grief is a terribly difficult emotion to live with day in day out. Know that my heart goes out to you LoveGoli.  

Sending you strength, love and hugs Xx

Thank you so much M88, I will surely try this because I need peace of mind. This pain is too much for me to handle so I will surely try your videos.

Love and hugs for you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Eagle-96   

Download a "reminders" app for your phone and set reminders for everyday tasks like: Paying Bills, Appointments, Feeding your pets(and yourself!)

Accept help from family and friends when it's offered. Don't be too proud to accept the help.

Reach out to stay connected to family and friends. They may think they are bothering you if they call/text you. Our phones work both ways.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Francine   
15 hours ago, M88 said:

Nearly all of the things I've listed still apply

Don't say you're OK, when you're not.  I agree; I tried some myself and they have helped. Thanks for sharing.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC   

M88,

You have a pretty comprehensive list.  I needed to talk in the early months and everyone disappeared but my sisters and daughter (my son was in the Air Force).  Reading grief books and articles, coming to my grief forum helped, writing letters to George, journaling.  Learning not to look at the whole of the future, stick to today, one day at a time was enough.  I went to grief counseling but my counselor wasn't good and was the only one in town.  There was no grief support groups in this town so I eventually started one here but it would have helped had I had one back then.  I've always been organized, without that I would have been in trouble because my brain wouldn't work.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KMB   

M88,  Kudos on your list! Even after a year, I still use a lot of coping skills/tools, I started with, of which there are many on your list. Along with some that others have mentioned. One that worked well for me in the beginning several months, but I no longer need, is one of those essential oil warmer diffusers. I used lavender for the aromatherapy. Now, I just use a lavender based face/body lotion. Works just as well for the calming properties. Not everyone likes the smell of lavender, but there are a few other natural scents that work just as well.

 

 

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
23 hours ago, KayC said:

I've always been organized, without that I would have been in trouble because my brain wouldn't work.

This is something that has surprised me. I've always felt like my brain was my most valuable asset. I have a photographic memory. School, college, work have always been very easy for me. Now I find myself unable to remember anything. I miss or confuse appointments for work. I have to make lists of things I need. I even have to make lists of things I want to bring up in conversation with my family. The only day while looking at one such list I realized I had written the same thing down three times. That's how bad it is. My brain simply does not work anymore.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KMB   
2 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

. My brain simply does not work anymore.

Grief fog, brain fog-------- unfortunately, it is very much real. Our loss is a traumatic  blow to our mind, heart, body and spirit. Loss is such an overwhelming, ripping situation to have to deal with. I couldn't think clearly, couldn't remember the way I used to. My mind was there, but it was like it wasn't working. It was in shut down mode for a long time. It does get easier over time. I'm still not 100% with how my mind used to be. But, I don't expect it to be either. I'm going to be carrying my heavy heart the rest of my life. Nothing is going to be the same. Just have to adjust and live with it.:wub:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC   

Djh,

It will get better.  It may not return 100% but likely 90+%.  I was never the same employee again, I used to be superwoman and it showed in my job, my job required perfection...I wasn't that anymore.  Better than mediocre, but not perfect anymore.  I found my brain returned for the most part, but not all the way.  It reminds me of traumatic brain injury because of it's far reaching effects on us.  I couldn't focus anymore, I didn't read a book all the way through for pleasure for ten years!  (And I used to read every day).  I couldn't watch t.v. or a movie for a year!  I lost interest in my hobbies...I could do them if someone did them with me, but alone, not interested.  I have thousands of dollars invested in my hobby and it sits here.  And it's been 12 years!  People say sell it all, but I would take a huge loss, and what if at some point my interest should return?  I use it only when I have need of it, but not for pleasure.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Eagle-96   

The brain fog is very real indeed. I find myself forgetting names often. I will stop sometimes while working and not have any idea what I am doing regarding the current task. I'll go to a room in the house to retrieve something only to return without the only thing I went for. Maybe this is what dementia feels like. If so, it's yet another wonderful thing to look forward to.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC   

Dementia in it's early stages is very scary to the person.  My mom and a very close friend died of it.  You realize you can no longer trust yourself.  I remember my mom telling me about a mouse she had and I told her I'd pick up some D-Con and she said, "No!"  I asked why not and she said she was afraid she'd eat it!  I thought, "Why would you eat D-Con?"  Even then she was afraid of how her brain was working and didn't trust it...I just didn't realize it at the time.

My friend gave up her position as missionary president, she had held it for many years.  When I asked her about it she told me of her struggles, not only forgetting things, but her brain just wasn't working right.  It was terrifying to her.  Her husband took care of her for a long time, but when she started turning the stove on while he was asleep, he knew he couldn't do it all by himself anymore, she needed around the clock care.  

Nope, I think dementia is far worse than this.  Once it get way pronounced, it's no longer scary to them, they don't realize something's wrong anymore, they're okay with their state, but in that early period they realize they're losing their faculties and it's a terrifying feeling.  At least with us, in the grief fog, it's temporary, for the most part.  And we can compensate with lists, writing things down, developing a system to compensate for our lack.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Paluka   

Nurturing new friendships is tough but something I really need to do. 

What type of quotes did you place in various places?

When did any of you go back to work? Did the routine help? 

Sigh...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
LoveGoli   
44 minutes ago, Paluka said:

Nurturing new friendships is tough but something I really need to do. 

What type of quotes did you place in various places?

When did any of you go back to work? Did the routine help? 

Sigh...

I get back to work after 6 weeks and getting back to work doesn't mean I am able to forget about my husband but it definitely help me to spend my day at least because weekends are more hard for me to spend whole day at home and laying on bed thinking about him.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Paluka   

Thank you. My folks are really pushing me to get back to work. The funeral was last Wednesday. I normally enjoy my work and have supports there. I'm just so emotional and emotionally raw. I'm not sure I'm ready. I start sobbing out of nowhere. It's like I reach a point when I have to fall apart. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, Paluka said:

Nurturing new friendships is tough but something I really need to do. 

What type of quotes did you place in various places?

When did any of you go back to work? Did the routine help? 

Sigh...

My wife died on a Friday and I tried to go back to work the following Wednesday. I made it through a half the day and lost it and took the next three and a half weeks off. Now I work seven days a week. I cry while I’m at work but I’m on my own so it doesn’t matter. And it’s the only time my wife and I were apart so being alone doesn’t feel quite so strange. I’ve even considered trying to get a part time job somewhere for after work so I can just work around the clock and never have any down time.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
M88   
16 hours ago, Paluka said:

Nurturing new friendships is tough but something I really need to do. 

What type of quotes did you place in various places?

When did any of you go back to work? Did the routine help? 

Sigh...

I'm so sorry for your loss, Paluka.  But I am glad you found us.  I hope you will find the love, support and compassion that I've found here. 

If you have a facebook account, this is a good page for quotes 'Deep Grief Great Love Group Page'  otherwise google images has a big selection.  I hope you'll find some that will bring you comfort. 

We were newly retired and when my darling hubby was killed I was left in the unusual situation where I had to keep my wits about me and use my brain like never before.  Our step family began unravelling very soon after hubbys tragic death and the police weren't interested in doing their job in finding out 'what led to' my hubby being killed and other pedestrians injured, so my daughter and I made our own enquiries.  We then had to get the hierarchy in the Police involved so a balanced investigation could be carried out within the few weeks left in which to do so.  The trial of the man who killed him begins in 3 weeks time -  21 months later!  My lawyer also mucked me about, so I currently have a number of complaints against him before the standards committee of the Law Society.  I can easily recall every detail of our case, and my lawyers poor work and later his lies in an attempt to cover his backside, but I struggle to remember what day of the week it is, the date, even the month and the names of everyday stuff.  I now live in a weird world  - a far cry from the quiet, contented life hubby and I enjoyed. 

As eagle said, 'we' need to make the effort to keep contact with supportive friends and family too. Grief is hard work and requires so much self-discipline just to get simple things done.  We have 101 things that need dealing with when we are least up to doing so, and unless they're directly involved in helping us, most folk won't understand that. 

Strength and hugs. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
M88   
15 hours ago, Paluka said:

Thank you. My folks are really pushing me to get back to work. The funeral was last Wednesday. I normally enjoy my work and have supports there. I'm just so emotional and emotionally raw. I'm not sure I'm ready. I start sobbing out of nowhere. It's like I reach a point when I have to fall apart. 

Paluka, don't let anyone rush you into doing things you are not ready for.  My heart aches for you as you need time and privacy to grieve for your wife and reflect on your marriage.  Your mind, body and soul has just taken the biggest battering it will ever know. If you can't begin the grieving process now in a healthy way, it will catch up on you in a more negative way further down the track.  Grief will not tolerate being bottled up for long. 

Sending strength and hugs to you. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
jacbog   

Probably it's not best but for me physical pain takes away mental. Because of that I started workout every day, living on the floor (sitting, sleeping, eating) and eating healthy food. It's great for my back pain and general physical fitness and I'm better mentally. Feeling unhappy because of tasteless food and fatigue actually gives me relief. Especially since my wife suffered very much before she died (brain cancer) and I don't feel remorse about my happiness. Odd, I know. The biggest problem when I take a break - then the grieve hits me like a truck. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC   

I went back to work after two weeks but had to go in after five days to do payroll.
I'd say it helped me going back to work because my work environment was very caring and supportive and I loved my job.  It was hard to do my job though, my focus was greatly affected and I caught myself making mistakes and sometimes erupted into tears (fortunately my desk was near the bathroom).  My coworkers had been briefed on what to expect and how best to be there for me, before I returned, so that was of immense help.  You might talk to Human Resource and see if something like that could be done, my boss was so very thoughtful.  Unfortunately the business went down a few months later, it was the beginning of the recession, it took me 5 1/2 months to find a new job and it was not good.
Those who are retired and find themselves going through this, my heart goes out to.  It's helpful to have a routine, some sense of purpose, some feeling you matter to someone.  I'd say try to find someplace you can volunteer, someplace positive and uplifting.  If I lived in the city I'd volunteer at a dog shelter, but it's way too long of a commute from here.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Paluka   

I am a gym rat normally. It was something she and I would do together. I tore my tricep tendon 6 weeks ago and had surgery. How I wish I could get in the gym. It has always been a big outlet for me. Every time I try to workout I fall apart. Im just not there yet so I walk. 

My work environment is very supportive. I met with a counselor yesterday to work on my loss but to also help me address going back to work. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KMB   

Paluka, What a bummer you are unable to go to the gym. Completely understandable since it was something you two did together. Also, if you are still healing from the surgery. Exercise is a great outlet, as you mention. Walking is better than nothing. I go for walks to clear my mind and focus on nature. It is healthy to take breaks from our grieving.

I am glad to hear your work environment is being supportive. We need that support so much, in coping with every aspect of our lives. Talking with a counselor is also good. Sounds like you are taking the right steps in helping yourself. Grieving is hard work.:)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Went to work less than a week from funeral and was working alternate days from home. Send the kids to school and university. Got involved in various cleaning and other activities at home which she was doing earlier. Only cry while in car or alone. Started going to gym more regularly.  Joined a single( Divorced/widow(er)) group from meet after like 5 months as didn't had too many friends and most of them were back to their life. This group was quite active and made me more busy and was meeting new people which did understand my pain better than others.

Please explore various things and see what fits you as not everything is for everyone. Keeping me busy made me delay my grief and by now I have learned to cope with it in a better manner.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now


×