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Maria9

horrible guilt and shame

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It's not a depressing post, totally get it... it just is how it is for you at this time. Try to see if they have some photos and maybe they can email them to you!

Like you... I don't want to forget my kitty either!

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Thank you...Even the more elusive things, like the sound of her voice and her purring, the feel of her fur, I hope I remember these forever, they're so precious. I never knew the meaning of "precious" until now. KayC says we won't forget and I believe her. It is only at the bad moments that I doubt it.

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On 11/16/2017 at 7:28 AM, Maria9 said:

Tough day today. Rain, overcast sky. I want to bawl my heart out, but I am afraid I'll scare my family. I see my kitty so clearly in my mind. Will I see her so clearly in 5, 10,20 years from now? I am almost fifty, how long do I have to live without her? I am afraid that time will erase her from my mind. I don't want this to happen. I have so few pictures of her, I never thought that she would not be in my life. I hope my kids have pictures of her in their cameras. Please God, don't let me forget her.

I know this is a depressing post but some moments are just so hard....

You will not forget her, not anything about her.  To the other side, time is no more so they don't have the same sense of endless waiting that we do.  I imagine them in big open fields, playing with other creatures, safe, happy, and they will be there to greet us when we cross over.  
 

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You sent it this to me, but it's beautiful, no matter how many times I've watched it.Thank you for the video and the reassurance....:wub:

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Since I don't have many pictures of my kitty,  I decided to try and sketch her .To put to paper all those images of her that are on my mind, in case they fade with time (I can't get over this fear). I have taken some art lessons, so I hope they don't turn out that bad . I made my first attempt today. I looked at her pictures for reference. That was the hardest part, because they made me miss her so much more. I hope I will be able to do this....

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That's so nice Maria. I have a fair amount of pictures and 1 little video I took one time, of my cat kneading in his bed. Can't see his face though. The first several weeks I could not even look at pictures, now I seem to a lot. :( i hope you enjoy the artistic process and that it helps you.

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How wonderful that you are able to sketch!  I am not a picture person, I never take the time and patience to learn to take good pictures and I know that's a regret I'll live with, I don't have many pictures of my animals.  My best "pictures" are the ones inside my head and my heart.

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Thank you both!

AJWCat this is a video I so much wish I had , my kitty purring and kneading the comforter:(

KayC the same goes for me. I always enjoy the moment forgetting to take pictures and I regret it too. The pictures that are in my mind and my heart, these are the ones I want to draw..

It is harder than I thought. Drawing her and not crying....Confronting her loss in this way ....I will try not to give up.

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I wish you well with it, even if I had that ability, not sure I could.

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I can't do it either KayC. I tried but it's just too painful...maybe it's too soon.

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You tried, maybe someday.  My husband died 12 1/2 years ago.  I bought a scrapbook and some charms that were meaningful, like one of his fishing hat, etc. and intended to put together a scrapbook with pictures.  I've made cards for over 30 years and well know how to scrapbook.  But I can't do it.  Not even yet.  I have kept the stuff, maybe someday.  But it's 12 1/2 years!  How long before I am able to!

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I totally understand you...:(  If we never manage to do it's ok. Like you said we have those pictures in our hearts and our minds, these our scrapbooks.

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20 hours ago, KayC said:

You tried, maybe someday.  My husband died 12 1/2 years ago.  I bought a scrapbook and some charms that were meaningful, like one of his fishing hat, etc. and intended to put together a scrapbook with pictures.  I've made cards for over 30 years and well know how to scrapbook.  But I can't do it.  Not even yet.  I have kept the stuff, maybe someday.  But it's 12 1/2 years!  How long before I am able to!

At least you have his things even if they are not "organized" - beyond that, who knows. Maybe someday. So sorry Kay. (I sure can't give advice about the loss of a husband, can barely survive my cat!)

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Dear Maria, 

Firstly thank you so much for starting this group and sharing your story. I have recently discovered this site and it is quite frankly amazing to read everyones stories and see how people are supporting each other. I also lost my kitten a while back and it was the most pain I think I have ever felt. I wrote a song at the time, which really helped me to process my grief. I am sharing it as much as possible on here just in the case that it may help anyone like it did for me. It is a horrible horrible thing to lose a pet and not everyone understands. So if my work can be of any help I would be so happy to have served! The link is below. All my love, Stella x

On 9/14/2017 at 7:11 PM, Maria9 said:

Hello,I'm new here. A month ago I noticed that my cat had lost her appetite.I took her to my vet and she examined my cat,finding nothing wrong.She said it was probably because of the heat

wave.Then my vet left for vacation.My cat continued not eating and I stupidly assumed it was still because of the heat.I waited too long.By then she looked sick and I found a vet clinic.I took

my cat there.They found she had FIP, which is a fatal virus.They sent me home because there "it was a very sick cat and they  could do nothing for her" except for an antibiotic injection I was shocked.Since then I had been trying to save her life with antibiotics, medicine and syringe feeding.I didn't leave her side,day or night,showing her all the love I could. For a while she seemed  to be getting a little better,but then she got worse. My vet returned and took her for intravenous feeding and serum. My agony grew as I saw her not getting better but I was still hoping and praying

for a miracle..I took her home again for a few days so she could be with us ,in her familiar environment.I kept her home for a couple of days and then I returned her to the vet's to drain the fluid from her little belly.I visited her twice a day there, stroking her,kissing her ,telling her how much I loved her. Last time I saw her it was Saturday noon.The vet's is closed for visits on Sat.evening

and Sundays.Monday morning when I went to visit her they told me she had passed during the night. I cannot eat,cannot sleep,cannot function.I cry all the time.I miss her so much.I know getting her to the vet  clinic earlier would not have changed the outcome,she was doomed,but I feel I neglected her and betrayed her by my stupidity and laziness.I hope she has forgiven me but I cannot forgive myself.

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Wow, amazing song.  Is it you singing it?  Incredible voice!  Thank you for sharing.  It's amazing the different things people do that help them through their grief.  

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I agree, Stella your song is  wonderful  ! And so full of feeling.... It made me cry. It expresses my own feelings so well. I wondered too if it's you singing it, I love this voice. Thank you for sharing it !

I read your other post too, about your kitten and my heart breaks for you...the pain of losing them is unbearable. It is very helpful to be able to express it in some way. I did by writing here. I am grateful that I found this forum . When I first started posting I was in a terrible state but the support and understanding I received from people here were enormous! I am still amazed when I think about it...So it has become a safe and solid place to express my thoughts and feelings. We all understand each other and we can support each other, maybe more than friends or family. Pet loss is so painful yet many people do not understand how we feel. And because of this we often have to hide our feelings.        But here we can be ourselves....so post here too when you feel like it. I hope you have found some healing since your loss.

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Hard day yesterday. Today too. I've been missing her terribly....I wrote this.

Autumn Leaves

 

The sun so bright on a clear sky.

The leaves are falling, a golden rain.

But you're not here.

 

I look for your little face at the garden gate

your white paws climbing through.

I would call your name

and you would come running

up to me.

 

Every day I look at the gate

expecting to see you.

 

There will come another day

like this one,bright and golden .

The years will have fallen

like so many leaves.

I will be staring at a different gate.

I will see your little face,

your white paws climbing through.

I will call your name

and you'll come running

up to me.

 

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Thanks for sharing that, it is beautiful.  I feel that way about Miss Mocha and she had white paws and a little face too.

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4 hours ago, KayC said:

Thanks for sharing that, it is beautiful.  I feel that way about Miss Mocha and she had white paws and a little face too.

Thank you KayC...I am so sorry about your miss Mocha...Sometimes I just want to accelerate the years so we'll be back together again.

 

3 hours ago, AJWCat said:

Aw so sweet. I feel your pain and loss Maria. :(

Thank you AJWCat ,I am so sorry about your loss too...Some days are ok but some are so hard, the missing is so intense...

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Omgosh, I lost two of cats within two weeks of each other from something similar. Della, 10 years old, and Stinker 13 years old, both had FIV and Leukemia and I had no idea. It's been 4 months and I'm still mad at myself over not knowing and grieving for the loss of two of my beautiful cats. :( 

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I am so sorry! I understand how you feel! When cats are sick and they are a part of your family it hurts you a lot! 
I want everyone to know, when cat sick he is not eating. You should force feed your cat. They are dying first because of anemia and not because of the disease they have.

ALWAYS FORCE FEED YOUR CAT! Can food blended with water and feed through the syringe! 


Please let me ask everyone to look at the campaign for Tiger Cat!  below 
https://www.gofundme.com/TigerKidneyFailure
and ask you to help as you can!
This Christmas season, please help make it possible for Tiger to receive the supplements, fluids and meds he needs by donating just a small amount each. It adds up quick and this little guy can continue to live life with a good quality of life. It's the gift of giving that counts.
Tiger is a beautiful cat. I rescued him and many other cats from the streets in Ukraine and brought them all with me here to USA. I have a mini shelter you can name it so.
Tiger suffering from a Chronic Kidney Failure and the vet Bills are just enormous. It drop me out of my budget. That is why I am reaching out for help and hope that there are souls in this world who's will understand and be supportive.
TAG and SHARE PLEASE!
Thanks everyone and sorry if this is not a kind of topics you want to read here.
Sincerely,
Iriska and Tiger

_DSC5430.jpg

IMG_5928.jpg

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Iriska,

thank you for your bit of advice to force feed if our cats are not eating.

Karla,

I'm sorry for your suffering, very sorry for the loss of your two cats.

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Karla I am so sorry for your loss of your two kitties. Losing one is devastating, I cannot imagine how it is to lose two of them at the same time...my heart goes out to you. Keep posting here if it helps you. I understand about being mad at yourself , many of us go through this, it is a part of grieving, but do not beat yourself up. I don;t know about FIV or feline leukemia (my kitty had FIP) but like I said in my other post some cat diseases are very  difficult to detect .And even if they can be diagnosed curing them is difficult or impossible. We are human, we are not perfect but we always do the best we can under the circumstances.. I am sure you gave your kitties all your love and you cared for them as best as you could and I am sure they knew this.

Iriska thank you for the advice, but whether one should force feed a cat depends on the circumstances and the disease they have. We all do whatever we can to make our pets better. If force feeding them will help them in getting better or save them, it makes sense. If a cat has a terminal disease and is dying it is questionable whether we should force feed them. In such a case it is something we do for us, not for them. It is like force feeding a person who is dying. My kitty had an incurable autoimmune disease and I kept trying to make her eat, she only ate the gravy of canned food. I force fed her only during the last week and now I regret it because she hated it and it didn't change anything.

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