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Tal2017

i Need help ,cant move on

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Tal2017   

Hi Everyone

please let me know your opinion about my loss

I was pregnant with my third boy , when I went to regular 20weeks ultrasound they sent me to the hospital asap and they did one stich to my cervix cause it was too short ,I adviced to do bedrest

after 3 weeks I noticed blood andcalled the hospital they told me to come immediately but I said let me wait till next morning ( I didn't take it seriously) next morning I still noticed the blood , I went to the hospital it turnedout   I was dilated andthere was no OB around I waited 5-6 hours till she came and I was dilated enough to have delivery

here is my question  they said cause your baby is23 weeks old the NICU wil accept him but wont accept if he was 1 day younger (22.5 weeks or so) I didn't felt comfortable actually we(me and my husband) and decided to let the child die , I don't know , I'm dying inside , dying everysingle minute , should I normaly said yesand asked them to take them to another hospital and put him in NICU , he was less than one pound but I'm not sure ,I feel I'm not human I'm a monster for not trying to savehim , I cant move on , I have a famiy but cant think about anything other than my baby and my premature labor

what would you do?

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Devianz   

Tal,

I am so sorry for your loss. I am so sorry that you had to make that difficult decision, and sometimes things like that are out of our hands.

Sometimes things are just out of our hands, and the guilt can be so overwhelming.  When I was younger, I was very early in my second pregnancy when the doctors found a severe birth defect in my baby's heart. It was not fixable by surgery and it was very likely that she would die before she was born and would only live a short while if she even survived delivery.  I made the decision to keep going with the pregnancy, despite the fact that I knew I was putting myself at risk as well from complications. I knew there was no hope and she was stillborn at 24 weeks. For a long time I beat myself up wondering if she was suffering or in pain before she passed.  I blamed myself for not taking better care of myself, I blamed myself for being selfish.  There is a lot of guilt no matter which path you choose, and you have to forgive yourself.

We can only make the best decision we can in the moment, and have to learn to grieve. Children born that young have very little chance of survival and when they do, often have lifetime disabilities and other health issues. There is no way you could know what the outcome would have been and you also had pain and hormones coursing through your body to confuse things.  As mothers, we are hard-wired to protect and that is probably why you feel such heavy grief, but give yourself a little compassion.  You are not a monster, you did the best you could in that moment with all the tools you have been given in this life.  Don't judge yourself by others expectations and standards, you have done what you could. You loved your child enough to not let them suffer through the very slim possibility of living a life that would have likely been difficult. 

Nothing I can say will ease your pain.  The pain of losing a child is a very difficult grief to bear whether the child is 20 weeks old or 60 years old. Anyone who tries to tell you what you should have done, or tries to judge you has not walked in your shoes and shouldn't be trusted as a compassionate friend.  They don't come from a place of knowing.

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Tal2017   

Hello Devianz

thsnks for you reply, it helped me alot especially this :. You loved your child enough to not let them suffer through the very slim possibility of living a life that would have likely been difficult. this is exactly what i thought at that time , that its not humanly believable that we should save a child born in 23 weeks , at that time i didnt have background of premature babies or experience or even heard about this cases , al i was heard is 28 weeks is ok to be born

i was so bad yesterday ur message and 2 people I talked with , helped me to change my mood , im better now but its coming and going like a switch, especially when im alone or at night i think about it and cry its been one month now since the delivery it felt like a whole year 

anyways thanks alot , take care

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Devianz   

Tal,

It's going to be very difficult for a long time and you have to take it one hour at a time at first, then one day at a time. For me, time moved very slowly at first, as if I was trapped in amber while the rest of the world was moving around me. Other women often didn't know what to say to me, and because of the guilt I felt at the time... I mostly stayed silent. I'm glad you came here to share with us how you are feeling, and that you were able to speak to others about it. Go easy on yourself and take time with your grief, it's heavy and difficult to manage but you can get through. There are so many people around you and I am sure that your boys see the same beautiful mother they've always known, whether you are happy and laughing or crying.

Much love to you,

Margo

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