Jump to content
Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
  • Announcements

    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
Sign in to follow this  
Marcel

One year ago - today

Recommended Posts

Marcel   

on september 11th, 2016 my wife took her life after several years of suffering. I had a lot of thoughts about how to spend this day, but somehow it turned out differently.
She died about 6am so I thought I would get up early, light a candle and listen to some music that reminds me of that day and feel miserable.
Early this morning, while I was still in bed, suddenly I felt an intense warmth in my entire body, and I got the feeling that all this ceremony I had planned didn't really mean anything. It would just make me feel bad and that's not what she wanted.
So I slept until 10am and I felt changed.
I lit a candle, set up a picture of her and talked to her for a while. I was sad and felt invigorated at the same time. All this year I had done nothing, just drinking, smoking and wasting my time. Now I felt I should start doing things again. No matter what or for how long, I decided to do at least one thing each day that was either necessary or that I just want to do.
I went to our favorite restaurant for lunch and in the afternoon I worked a few hours in our yard. It feels like the guilt I had felt all this time has been taken away and I got the will to do something with my life.
I still have no intention to be with anyone else ever, but I want to take care of our house, I want to take care of my body and mind, I want to make music again.
So even though I shed a few tears talking to her and thinking of what we had, it was a great day somehow. I actually believe that I can continue living with her being in my heart, but  without the constant pain, but the memory of her warmth and optimism instead.
I don't know what happened but I think she took the guilt away from me this morning.
I will never stop loving her, but I want to do this in joy, not in pain.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Francine   

Oh my God!  Reading your post literally brought me to tears. 

30 minutes ago, Marcel said:

All this year I had done nothing, just drinking, smoking and wasting my time. Now I felt I should start doing things again. No matter what or for how long, I decided to do at least one thing each day that was either necessary or that I just want to do.
I went to our favorite restaurant for lunch and in the afternoon I worked a few hours in our yard. It feels like the guilt I had felt all this time has been taken away and I got the will to do something with my life.
I still have no intention to be with anyone else ever, but I want to take care of our house, I want to take care of my body and mind, I want to make music again.
So even though I shed a few tears talking to her and thinking of what we had, it was a great day somehow. I actually believe that I can continue living with her being in my heart, but  without the constant pain, but the memory of her warmth and optimism instead.
I don't know what happened but I think she took the guilt away from me this morning.
I will never stop loving her, but I want to do this in joy, not in pain.

Kudos to you.  The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you were and I'm sure your wife would be proud.  You should be proud of yourself; growth is painful, change is painful, but nothing is as painful as staying stuck within yourself.  I  have a sneaky suspension that she just might have had something to do with ridding you of that guilt you carried inside you.   You're stronger because you had to be; perhaps smarter because of your mistakes; able to absorb the sadness you're experienced and wiser because of the lessons leaned.  I think your taking chances takes a lot more courage than staying stagnant and doing nothing.  I hope someday, I'll be able to get to where you are.

Your post gives us hope that we can move forward; always doing so with our loved ones by our side; in our hearts, within our very breath.  They will always be a part of us forever and as we move forward ,we will continue to engage in life because of their inspiration. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Marcel said:

I will never stop loving her, but I want to do this in joy, not in pain.

Marcel, 

Your post gives me hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel even though I cant see it or believe it at the moment. I am glad youre finally able to work through this pain and find some peace. 

My boyfriend of over four years died of a sudden heart attack at 35. I am still at two months and it doesnt seem likely that there will be a day I'll think of him and wont feel any pain. I dont know how long it will take but hope I can find a silverlining one day. Your post was inspiring. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Dian   

Your post has given me hope ,thank you! Like Toodevestaded said it's nice to know there's light at the end of the tunnel even if i don't see it or believe it. My husband died of a heart attack three months ago at the age of fifty. I'm so sad all the time but grateful for this amazing group of people here always giving advice and support. I want to get to the end of that tunnel so desperately, but I'm stuck. I feel like that movie Groundhog Day. Wake up and repeat. I'm not living just existing. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
9 hours ago, Dian said:

I feel like that movie Groundhog Day. Wake up and repeat. I'm not living just existing. 

I was thinking the same thing earlier! I try and take things one day at a time and end up living the same awful day everyday. I would prefer living the boring day from that film than this painful repetition. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Eagle-96   

So very happy for you Marcel. I am glad that you are embracing this epiphany you have had. Do it! Be there person she fell in love with. Be the person she helped mold. Do the things that bring joy to your life as we ALL need as much joy(or something approaching joy) in our lives as we can get our hands on. Make music again and use the pain and despair you have gone through to create something beautiful in it's place. Marcel was her soulmate, be Marcel again.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC   

Marcel,

It's good to hear from you, it's been a while, and that you are in a better place now is good to hear.  I know it gives hope to those struggling.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KMB   

Marcel,   Thank you for sharing your words, your epiphany. It gives us all a flicker of hope, encouragement, inspiration. I passed my one year mark last month. I have been taking this journey one day at a time. My one year mark was treated no differently. Just another day to try and do at least one productive thing and hopefully discover one thing to cause me to smile. I have been getting out of my comfort zone, here and there. But, I am by no means making huge strides with this grieving. It requires so much effort and so much time. Thank goodness for time, I guess. I have plenty of it.

Guilt is a heavy burden that we do not need. It is not a productive emotion. I am happy you feel you wife was able to take that away from you. It is a great example of how spirit can perform miracles. They want us to heal and go on with some kind of a life here. They know we will be together again someday. It all comes from that place of love where they are residing and waiting for us.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Marcel   

My wife never wanted me to feel bad. There were a lot of people who had hurt her or disappointed her. But before she went, she had forgiven all of them. She told me to tell everyone she loved them.
She justed wanted out because she couldn't stand the pain she was experiencing. She never wanted anyone else to experience any pain.
I'll never know if I had reason to feel guilty or not, but I know she never wanted me to.
So somehow she helped me to get out of that vicious circle.
I'm certainly not well, I still struggle day to day, but I'm a lot further down the road than before.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Azipod   
On 9/11/2017 at 4:31 PM, Dian said:

 Wake up and repeat. I'm not living just existing. 

That's a really good way of putting it.    Existing just to exist.  

I've learned how to make it through each day.  One day at a time.  But what now?  Each day keeps repeating itself.  It is so awful!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Eagle-96   

I go through the motions now. I was living when Lori was here. I had purpose and drive. My time-frame on this happiness was infinite which is strange as humans are such temporal creatures. I saw no end to what we had. Now: I wake up. Go to work. Eat breakfast and lunch with some work mixed in. Come home and wallow in self pity. Eat dinner. Doze off on the couch. Wake up and watch some meaningless TV show. Go to bed. Lather, rinse, repeat. I feel like Sisyphus but the boulder is much too heavy a burden to bear. Sometimes I wish it would just crush me. But, of course, everyone sees a different me. The "he's doing fine", "he seems to be adjusting well" Sean. But they can't walk that mile in my shoes and I wouldn't want them to have to anyway. So I'll just keep rowing the boat around in circles I suppose.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC   

Sean,

This is such a long journey.  I have no doubt you'll create somewhat of a life for yourself...not like before, nothing is like before, but something better than lather, rinse, repeat.  I can relate to all these feelings because I've experienced them and it can seep in still now and then.  I try not to think of it as meaningless and pointless but try to do what I can to get out of myself and do for others, it helps.  I've learned comparing my new life to my old life is not healthy.  I've learned comparing my current purpose to my old one is unhealthy.  I try to focus on the "now" and still do my one day at a time.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KMB   

KayC, I swear I don't know how you've done this for as long as you have. You have my utmost admiration and respect. I like Sean's analogy--lather, rinse, repeat. I am still stuck in that. Going into the 2nd year and I'm still stuck in that circle. The logical part of me knows that I need to make changes and come up with a purpose, but my heart is so heavy.

Not too long ago, I was talking to a friend. She told me about someone she knows who lost her husband. The woman had no problems with grieving. She said "good riddance, I've been wanting the house to myself for years". Such a cold, callous thing to say! Woman had no right being married. I will never understand the complexities of being human. So many similarities, but way more differences.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Francine   
On 9/13/2017 at 2:10 PM, Marcel said:

My wife never wanted me to feel bad. There were a lot of people who had hurt her or disappointed her. But before she went, she had forgiven all of them. She told me to tell everyone she loved them.  She justed wanted out because she couldn't stand the pain she was experiencing. She never wanted anyone else to experience any pain.
I'll never know if I had reason to feel guilty or not, but I know she never wanted me to.
So somehow she helped me to get out of that vicious circle.
I'm certainly not well, I still struggle day to day, but I'm a lot further down the road than before.

She definitely had the character of an angel and I see why you loved her so much.  I don't see any reason why you would feel guilty; on the contrary, you should be proud that God allowed you to be in the presence of an earth angel.  And you know what,  her angelic spirit has never left you. Don't expect to hear the rustle wings, nor feel the feathery touch of the breast of a dove.  Angels don't have to speak to be heard; be visible to be seen or be present to be felt;   you'll know her presence by the love she creates in your heart. 

I suspect you'll continue to struggle, as we all will; however never forget how far you've come and everything you have gotten through.   All the times you pushed on even though you felt you couldn't.  All the mornings for the past year that you got out of bed no matter how hard it was.  All the times you wanted to give up but somehow, you got through another day. Never forget how much strength you have learned and developed.  And I have a sneaky suspicion that your wife, your angel was helping you through all the while.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC   
15 hours ago, KMB said:

She said "good riddance, I've been wanting the house to myself for years".

Wow!  That is cold.  They must have had a horrid marriage, a horrid relationship.  Who knows what caused her to respond like that.  Even in my loveless 23 year marriage, I still cared about him, even though he didn't seem to reciprocate.  I could never respond that way about another human being, reducing their life to meaningless.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Eagle-96   
8 hours ago, KayC said:

Wow!  That is cold.  They must have had a horrid marriage, a horrid relationship.  Who knows what caused her to respond like that.  Even in my loveless 23 year marriage, I still cared about him, even though he didn't seem to reciprocate.  I could never respond that way about another human being, reducing their life to meaningless.

It just shows the direct relationship regarding the strength of the marriage in proportion to the level of grief experienced. We are all here and in such deep grief because we all had such a strong and beautiful love for our soulmate. The greater the love, the greater the pain of loss. Lori and I never spent more than five nights apart during 14 years and that was only once. Her dad was in the hospital two hours away from our home and she was staying with him while I was back home and working. I remember driving to her after five days and seeing her for the first time. I couldn't stop smiling. I was like a giddy child on Christmas morning. I look back on that day as the example of what we had. I simply wanted to be wherever she was. When we would make plans to be with friends and family I would tell her, "As long as you're there, It doesn't matter who else will be there". We grieve so heavily because we loved so hard. It's a high price to pay but it was all worth it. Every bit of it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KMB   
4 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

I was like a giddy child on Christmas morning.

I love your whole post, Sean, but this one sentence stuck out for me. My husband and I were just like this when he would come home from work in the afternoons. I would go out to meet him at his truck, no matter the weather.Big smile on my face and the butterflies in my belly. As soon as he saw me, he would get a big smile and his beautiful blue eyes would sparkle. We each had our roles to play as far as work, chores, errands, but we always preferred just being together as much as possible. This is why my heart knows that I could never, ever, have all that again with someone else. I will wait until that ultimate reunion. Where we see each other again with big smiles, butterflies in the belly and sparkling eyes.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Francine   

 

Wow!  What a sad and pitiful thing to say;  but I feel sorry for her, not so much for her words, but sorry t hat she never knew the real meaning of true love.  Having that special person, that *soulmate* who understands you like no other, loves you like no other, will be there for you no matter what is the most rewarding blessing there is.  A person to overcome obstacles with, face challenges, fight to be together no matter what; hold on and never let go.  But most of all, love is realizing that ever hour, every minute, and ever second was worth it because whatever you did, you did it together. 

23 hours ago, KMB said:

She said "good riddance, I've been wanting the house to myself for years". Such a cold, callous thing to say!

To say something like that is evident she never loved or was loved - that's the really sad thing.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Eagle-96   
12 minutes ago, Francine said:

I feel sorry for her, not so much for her words, but sorry t hat she never knew the real meaning of true love.  Having that special person, that *soulmate* who understands you like no other, loves you like no other, will be there for you no matter what is the most rewarding blessing there is.  A person to overcome obstacles with, face challenges, fight to be together no matter what; hold on and never let go.  But most of all, love is realizing that ever hour, every minute, and ever second was worth it because whatever you did, you did it together.

I really feel sorry for the people that never get to experience that pure love. The kind of love where it is effortless. Where you just "get" each other. It's hard to fathom never getting to experience it. But, the pain I am enduring now is worth it to have had fourteen years with the love of my life. I'd do it all over again a thousand times even with the knowledge of the despair I am in now. She was worth it. She was ABSOLUTELY worth it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Francine   
3 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

I'd do it all over again a thousand times even with the knowledge of the despair I am in now. She was worth it. She was ABSOLUTELY worth it.

Ditto that, as difficult as it is, I'm right there with you - knowing the outcome, I'll do it again in a nutshell. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KMB   
5 hours ago, Francine said:

 

 

 

To say something like that is evident she never loved or was loved - that's the really sad thing.

 

 

It is sad. We all deserve to love and be loved.  Some people settle for 2nd best or even 3rd best, instead of waiting for you and your soul mate to find each other. I'm not one to talk either. Stuff happens and we make the wrong choices. I married my first husband just because I came up pregnant. I was going on 22.. I was too naive and ignorant to have the knowledge that I could have managed being a single mother. Wasn't until I was 32 and starting divorce proceedings that I met Ed, my soul mate.Things work out the way they are meant to and I am so blessed to have had those amazing years with him that I did.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC   
On 9/15/2017 at 8:18 AM, Eagle-96 said:

I was like a giddy child on Christmas morning.

This describes the everydayness of our married life!  We made snow angels, for the first time in our lives, in our forties, with each other.  He was clearly the zest in life!  How could my kids not love him!  How could I not love him!  He made the sun and the moon shine.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Francine   
On 9/15/2017 at 8:59 PM, KMB said:

It is sad. We all deserve to love and be loved.  Some people settle for 2nd best or even 3rd best, instead of waiting for you and your soul mate to find each other. I'm not one to talk either. Stuff happens and we make the wrong choices. I married my first husband just because I came up pregnant. I was going on 22.. I was too naive and ignorant to have the knowledge that I could have managed being a single mother. Wasn't until I was 32 and starting divorce proceedings that I met Ed, my soul mate.Things work out the way they are meant to and I am so blessed to have had those amazing years with him that I did.

I feel you;  Charles and I were also very young when we married - 20 years old.   We had our ups and downs like any marriage, but no matter what, we were always there for one another.  We chose to commit on not what was tearing us apart, but focused on what was keeping us together.   And we did for almost 45 years.  Man I love that man and always will!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

Sign in to follow this  

×