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divalite5

How to get through the day...

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My husband passed on August 4th 2017. He had cardiomyopathy and we went through the grueling procedures to get  placed on the Heart Transplant List. It finally happened that he was placed on the list in June 2017. He was told that he had a good chance of getting a heart due to his size, blood type etc. So we got our hopes up.... Sadly, a heart did not arrive in time and he passed away after the 3 surgeries he endured prior to the end. He passed from a massive stroke due to the blood thinners that they had put him on.

I/we really thought that he would get that heart transplant and so it was much more devastating when he passed... I can't seem to function other than doing what is absolutely necessary through out my days....

My family and friends were there during the first few weeks for support, however, they have their own lives to live. Does it get easier?  I cry all day long due to all of the memories that flood my mind and seeing all of his things and even places that we went together like the grocery store. How do you get through this?

Thank you for listening....

Ingrid

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KMB   

divalite5,  I am so deeply sorry! I know the pain, emptiness, loneliness, confusion, ALL of the emotions you are going through. My husband passed of sudden cardiac arrest. He was just a few days away from starting a different procedure that we were led to believe would make things easier for his heart. It took me a long time to get beyond placing blame on doctors, medications, procedures.  The physical body can only withstand so much. My husband's heart couldn't handle any more. It still bothers me how hard he struggled to stay here, with me.

Like me, you stayed strong, kept the faith and hope going for a good outcome. But, sadly, we lost our soul mate and our lives are shattered.

I have been on my new journey for a little over a year. I was in shock for many months. Laid in bed most of the time crying tons of tears. I wasn't even functioning. I would let the dog out, or in, and feed him and our cat. I didn't care about anything, not even myself. I only took a shower if I absolutely had to be somewhere. And that was hard, to force myself to walk out the door and try to manage driving, facing the public, interacting. By the time I would get back to my car, I would break down crying. Try to manage the drive home and break down again at coming back to an empty house. I was literally a basket case for about 8 months. I had brain fog. Couldn't remember much of anything. No clarity in thinking, no concentration or focus. I was forgetting bills and the occasional appointment. I still have issues with the brain fog.

What I can tell you is to take it moment by moment, hour by hour, day by day. Don't worry about the future. Everything is overwhelming, we have enough just to get through each day. The future will take care of itself.   Take care of you. Grieving is the hardest thing you will ever do. It requires patience, self care and time. A very long time.

Keep reaching out to family and friends. I went to grief support for awhile and learned that it is our responsibility to maintain contact. I know it sounds unfair, but that is the way of it. People do not know what to say or do to help us. We have to let them know what we need. A listening ear, a hug, run an errand or help with chores. Or just to have someone sit with us can be a comfort. Just having another living, breathing person close by.

You have found your way to a great place here. It is only those of us, that are going through losing a soul mate. who understand. Sending prayers of love, comfort and peace to you.

 

 

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Thank you sharing your experiences.... It really helps when I feel guilty for just not being motivated to do anything (including taking a shower) 

I would like to write more, however, I am having a very bad day today and I just feel so numb.... Words just won't come out....

I will write when my mind is working a little better....

Hugs to you all..... I am so grateful for finding this forum. I feel like it is a sort of special "family" to me....

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@divalite5 Hi Ingrid,

I will second the journal idea, for if/when you feel up to writing. 

I keep two separate journals... one, I started earlier on, just to list out memories. Important ones, and also the small, seemingly ordinary ones. I was, and still am, so afraid of forgetting the little details about him and the things we did together, so I write them out whenever they come to me. Even about our trips to the grocery store, like you mentioned... I'd do anything to have those times back again.

The other journal is just a free-flowing diary, to vent my thoughts and feelings. I had never done this before, but have found it does help (a little).

Please don't feel guilty about the lack of motivation... just taking a shower some days really does a lot of effort and strength now. We all understand that here. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as well. ❤️

@KMB, that's a really interesting point about it being our responsibility to keep reaching out and maintaining contact. I had not thought of it that way, but it makes sense. I've been hitting that weird point where a lot of people - old friends, coworkers - drop off. Not all of them, but most. I've been feeling badly about it, but I know deep down they are probably just unsure of what to say/do. I need to try a little more on that front, because I know losing touch with them completely will only feel worse. Thank you for sharing that, definitely giving me something to think about.

 

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Eagle-96   
11 hours ago, AshleyDonahue said:

that's a really interesting point about it being our responsibility to keep reaching out and maintaining contact. I had not thought of it that way, but it makes sense. I've been hitting that weird point where a lot of people - old friends, coworkers - drop off. Not all of them, but most. I've been feeling badly about it, but I know deep down they are probably just unsure of what to say/do. I need to try a little more on that front, because I know losing touch with them completely will only feel worse. Thank you for sharing that, definitely giving me something to think about.

 

It is a vital aspect to all of this. If we want the relationship, we have to work on it too. Some people stop contacting us as much because the may feel like they are intruding, being overbearing, or they simply do not know how to act around us. I have to remember that phones are a two-way piece of technology and I have to reach out from time to time. I spoke with one of Lori and my couple friends this weekend and she relayed how scared she was for the relationship to grow distant and end. I have to work just as hard as they do to make sure that doesn't happen. It's not always easy to muster the emotional and physical strength to keep the bonds there but I believe the effort is worth it.

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