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TooDevastated

Two Months...

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LoveGoli   
6 minutes ago, Azipod said:

I never knew life could be so sad. I really don't know why we deserve this.

Same question I asked multiple time, why, why me, what I have done wrong, at least I have right to know what I have done wrong and that is why I deserved this. Life was so perfect for me , just like what I want, loving husband, good job, two of us only and now this is the cruelest thing, living is curse. I am afraid if I have to live 20 more years, I am so sacred by this thought.

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6 minutes ago, Azipod said:

I never knew life could be so sad. I really don't know why we deserve this.

Our new crippled existence. It sucks. My life really sucks now. I cannot believe I was so happy and full of life once. I dont know what I did to deserve this. Given the choice, I would have shared the left of my years with my boyfriend... I cant help feeling that God has made a huge mistake. 

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KayC   
18 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I go to work, I put a better face for people/friends. But I lost my ability to make plans, I definitely lost my ability to invest any emotion in people. The world as I knew and trusted it is gone. Whatever plans I make, they might be taken away from me any second. Everything is just too damn unpredictable regardless of how hard I try, how hard I work. So I have no desire to meet new people, make new friends or make plans...

I have been called weak, been told I act like a spoilt little girl and been told that I must be so vulnerable that I cant handle this (seemingly bearable) difficulty... I cant believe how people can be so cruel but I am expected to be back to a "normal" life after 2 months, and I am called a weak character for not being able to move on already! 

I'm not taking my life as I want to be reunited as you. But that doesnt stop me from eating/drinking unhealthy stuff (barely eat anyway), starting smoking etc. Just all the passive ways of shortening my life span. My body isnt handling the stress well either. My heart had developed an arrythmia and now somethings up with my kidneys. I just plan to shorten the time I have by not taking the best care of myself. I cant do this for another 50 years. 

 

What you're talking about is passive suicide.  It's not putting a gun to your head, but it's "not caring" yourself into an earlier death than you could otherwise have.  You're two months out, that's a relatively short span of time with which to get any clarity, hell, it took me three years just to process George's death, I couldn't possibly have expected any perspective by two months!  I hope you can toss out the window other people's opinions about you, anyone who would say those things about you, well it's not coming from a loving place.  Those aren't the people you need to surround yourself with right now.  You need supportiveness, someone to just sit with you and be.  Not say things at you.  Not form a judgment.  I'm so sorry this is your experience!
Right now just getting up and breathing is an accomplishment.  Pat yourself on the back.

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Eagle-96   

None of us did anything to deserve this. None of us did anything wrong. None of us could have done anything differently to change the outcome. Our soulmates are gone and it hurts more than anything we have ever experienced. But our actions did not cause it. There is no flaw in our character or shortcoming in our being that caused any of this. 

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Azipod   

I wake up everyday in a dark prison.  I feel sad, hopeless, and empty.  I no longer have my wife with me.  This is cruel and unusual punishment.

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Azipod   
10 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

Our new crippled existence. It sucks. My life really sucks now. I cannot believe I was so happy and full of life once. I dont know what I did to deserve this. Given the choice, I would have shared the left of my years with my boyfriend... I cant help feeling that God has made a huge mistake. 

TooDevasted,

I know how we all feel.  All of us are suffering hard.   I can't help but notice there's a few of us around the "2-month" period.  I remember very vividly on your angel date of 07/05/17, I was in Italy, fighting with the authorities for them to release my wife's body so that I could take her home.   It is so crazy.    I remember vividly how much of a shock I was in for the initial weeks.  I was pretty much running on adrenaline.   There was no time to grieve.  At age 39, I had to bring my wife home from another country and plan a funeral.

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4 hours ago, Azipod said:

I remember very vividly on your angel date of 07/05/17, I was in Italy, fighting with the authorities for them to release my wife's body so that I could take her home.   It is so crazy.    I remember vividly how much of a shock I was in for the initial weeks.  I was pretty much running on adrenaline.   There was no time to grieve.  At age 39, I had to bring my wife home from another country and plan a funeral.

I remember what I was doing on your angel date Azipod! Oddly enough, Bruce and I were in Italy too and that was the last day of our holiday so we were getting ready for the flight back to UK. I seriously dont know what I would have done if he died a few days earlier in the hotelroom alone with me. I think I might have gone insane with pain and not knowing what to do! 

And at the age of 25, I sat at my boyfriend's funeral, all of my life fallen apart... One of his friends read my letter as I couldnt do it with my sobs. I somehow find the sudden death of young people a lot more cruel and unfair. I guess around this time, the shock is slowly wearing off for us so we get the full blow in the face.

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9 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

None of us did anything to deserve this. None of us did anything wrong. None of us could have done anything differently to change the outcome. Our soulmates are gone and it hurts more than anything we have ever experienced. But our actions did not cause it. There is no flaw in our character or shortcoming in our being that caused any of this. 

It doesnt seem like we did anything to deserve this. All of you guys sound like really nice people. But I cant help speculating... Everything would have been different if I told him to see his doctor after we got back from our holiday. He had slight chest pains that week. Those were probably signs of a heart attack but he ignored them saying it was from his stomach. Can you believe it? We could have prevented all of this... He never liked going to hospitals. I should have insisted and taken him to his GP. 

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Azipod   
10 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

It doesnt seem like we did anything to deserve this. All of you guys sound like really nice people. But I cant help speculating... Everything would have been different if I told him to see his doctor after we got back from our holiday. He had slight chest pains that week. Those were probably signs of a heart attack but he ignored them saying it was from his stomach. Can you believe it? We could have prevented all of this... He never liked going to hospitals. I should have insisted and taken him to his GP. 

TooDevasted,

I know how you feel.  My wife had been sick for some time but we just thought it was that.... sick.     Never in a million years that she and I would realize that it would eventually turn fatal.   In hindsight, there were a lot of "signs."  However, during the time, things just didn't click that she needed to see a doctor.     We were both wrong.  And now we are paying for it dearly.

In some ways, I believe that our life may already be mapped out for us to some degree.  Sometimes we can do things to change the outcome, but some say that this only turn things in another direction for some time, but destiny would eventually find its way back.

It's Friday!  And everyone in the office is happy -- because it's Friday!    Well.  Fridays are the worst days for me.   I hate starting another weekend without my wife.     I hate Fridays.

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9 hours ago, KayC said:

Those aren't the people you need to surround yourself with right now.  You need supportiveness, someone to just sit with you and be.  Not say things at you.  Not form a judgment.  I'm so sorry this is your experience!
Right now just getting up and breathing is an accomplishment.  Pat yourself on the back.

Those kinds of people are the only ones I got around me unfortunately. Colleagues from the office started asking me if I started seeing anyone (wtf?!) Family is still being absolutely cruel.

So either I'm all alone or I find a way to accommodate these people with their judgemental approach. My workplace is full of competitive ambitious people. I dont understand why they act as though they have got stones instead of hearts in their chests though. I have never treated them as cold as I have been treated when one of them lost a loved one. One of the IT guys lost her mum last year and I thought I was supportive and helpful. Even he hasnt said he was sorry for my loss... I'm glad at least my  head of department is very understanding so my performance at the moment will not be judged too harshly...

Your words are kind and comforting KayC. I too wish I was surrounded by people who loved me unconditionally. Unfortunately, the only person I found to love me unconditionally is now gone far far away. 

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6 minutes ago, Azipod said:

It's Friday!  And everyone in the office is happy -- because it's Friday!    Well.  Fridays are the worst days for me.   I hate starting another weekend without my wife.     I hate Fridays.

It's almost offensive that life just goes on as if nothing catastrophic has happened. Another pathetic weekend for us. I would do anything for a dull weekend just doing chores together....

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LoveGoli   
7 hours ago, Azipod said:

I know how you feel.  My wife had been sick for some time but we just thought it was that.... sick.     Never in a million years that she and I would realize that it would eventually turn fatal.   In hindsight, there were a lot of "signs."  However, during the time, things just didn't click that she needed to see a doctor.     We were both wrong.  And now we are paying for it dearly.

In some ways, I believe that our life may already be mapped out for us to some degree.  Sometimes we can do things to change the outcome, but some say that this only turn things in another direction for some time, but destiny would eventually find its way back.

It's Friday!  And everyone in the office is happy -- because it's Friday!    Well.  Fridays are the worst days for me.   I hate starting another weekend without my wife.     I hate Fridays.

You just wrote down my feelings, my husband had chickenpox and he was complaining pain but i just thought it is chickenpox only he will be better soon , never thought it could be fatal. Now i regret that i should take care of him, bring him to hospital earlier, i have multiple thoughts now , may be i could save him but i was careless that time and now its my punishment to live life like prisoner.

Everyone is so happy for weekend, few of them left office early and now i have no one to spend my weekend, no one who is waiting for me, this life sucks, why I am not dying, living is worst now.

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KayC   

TooDevastated,

I hope you'll consider a grief support group, at least you could make a new friend there.  I know it's soon but you need to have someone on your side, someone who gets it, someone who will look you in the eye and BE THERE for you.
At the very least, I hope you are able to be assertive and correct these people, which I know can be exhausting, and stand up for yourself, it's also liberating and empowering.  For someone to ask if you're seeing someone at this time is horrible!  OMG!  Would they start seeing someone if suddenly their husband was jerked from them?!  Are people idiots?!  Good grief!

LoveGoli,

I know all too well how hard it is to face the weekend alone when it seems everyone else is going home to their spouse and fun plans.  I've been doing it for 12 long years now.  It's hard that the best thing I have to look forward to is watching a movie alone again. :(  I can't drive at night because of an eye condition so I can't even go somewhere.

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Azipod   
10 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

 

Everyone is so happy for weekend, few of them left office early and now i have no one to spend my weekend, no one who is waiting for me, this life sucks, why I am not dying, living is worst now.

The start of the weekends are horrible, starting from the early evenings on Friday.  

I use to look forward during these hours to enjoying the down time with my wife.  I always asked her to come home early if she could.  After dinner, sometimes we would just spend Friday nights around town doing simple things, just to enjoy the time together. Oh I wish I could get those nights and feelings back.

Now, it's a complete 180.  I hate it.  I woke up Saturday morning, again seeing my wife not there next to me.  As I get up and start opening the windows, blinds, etc., I just can't help but to shake my head, let out a big sigh, and just wished I was not here.  

I so dread going down this road, everyday!

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10 hours ago, KayC said:

  For someone to ask if you're seeing someone at this time is horrible!  OMG!  Would they start seeing someone if suddenly their husband was jerked from them?!  Are people idiots?!  Good grief!

There are people on here that are seeing new people after a few months. I can't comprehend this. How can you be grieving to the point that you're in these forums but start something new? I can't even stand to be around my own family for more than 15 minutes at a time. I can't think about anything but Kayla 24/7. It would literally not be possible for me to be with another person even if I wanted to. Which I don't. To each their own I suppose. It's just so strange how differently people handle things.

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6 hours ago, Azipod said:

Now, it's a complete 180.  I hate it.  I woke up Saturday morning, again seeing my wife not there next to me.  As I get up and start opening the windows, blinds, etc., I just can't help but to shake my head, let out a big sigh, and just wished I was not here.  

I so dread going down this road, everyday!

I even miss not doing anything at all... Just staying in bed doing puzzles or watching a movie. Cooking and laughing together. It gives me cramps to remember every morning he is dead. Its like mind forgets he is dead every night!! Its the terrible weight on my shoulders every morning :/

Last night, I had a dream he was sick in hospital and I was thinking to myself that I should get to the hospital ASAP. I was thinking about how much I missed him and I wondered in my dream why I havent seen him for months... Then I woke up thinking why I havent seen him for months.. It hit me all over.

The other day I had a funny dream and the first thing I thought when I woke up was to call him and tell him about my dream. I got my phone and started calling. It took me at least 2-3 minutes to remember.

He is gone. Dead. Never coming back. All ashes now. Stupid brain. Just get it already. 

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6 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

There are people on here that are seeing new people after a few months. I can't comprehend this. How can you be grieving to the point that you're in these forums but start something new? I can't even stand to be around my own family for more than 15 minutes at a time. I can't think about anything but Kayla 24/7. It would literally not be possible for me to be with another person even if I wanted to. Which I don't. To each their own I suppose. It's just so strange how differently people handle things.

I have the same mindset. I cant ever love anybody else. What we had was true eternal love and I will honour that. However, that makes the whole thing even more tragic for us... We are young and we will be so lonely for the rest of our lives :/

I wanted to be a mother one day. Now thats not gonna happen. Apart from the grief of his death, I am also devastated that I am doomed to this lame life. 

I respect the people who choose to date again... I guess it does take a different sort of courage to start all over again. I just know I had found the one. The fact I lost him does not change that. My decision that I chose to love him for the rest of my life still stands. 

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Morning is the worst for me. I cry from the time I get up until I get to my first inspection for work. I pull it together a bit after that but it starts all over again the next day. I also wish I could just tell my brain to figure it out already.

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1 minute ago, TooDevastated said:

I have the same mindset. I cant ever love anybody else. What we had was true eternal love and I will honour that. However, that makes the whole thing even more tragic for us... We are young and we will be so lonely for the rest of our lives :/

I wanted to be a mother one day. Now thats not gonna happen. Apart from the grief of his death, I am also devastated that I am doomed to this lame life. 

I respect the people who choose to date again... I guess it does take a different sort of courage to start all over again. I just know I had found the one. The fact I lost him does not change that. My decision that I chose to love him for the rest of my life still stands. 

I agree. The prospect of decades of loneliness is terrifying. I'm married though and will stay married until the day I day. I also know I WONT live this way for another 30-40 years. I'll find another way out long before then.

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1 minute ago, Djh0901kc said:

I agree. The prospect of decades of loneliness is terrifying. I'm married though and will stay married until the day I day. I also know I WONT live this way for another 30-40 years. I'll find another way out long before then.

It's a known fact that stress and sadness impacts healthy profoundly. If we keep living like we do, I dont think we will get 30-40 years anyway.

People say there will come a time when we will smile when we think of our memories with our partners. I dont believe that I can ever think about Bruce and not have my heart shrink in pain. So many plans. A great future ahead of us. We were the perfect match and each others first loves, best friends and soulmates. How can one ever get over that pain?

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Azipod   
6 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I even miss not doing anything at all... Just staying in bed doing puzzles or watching a movie. Cooking and laughing together. It gives me cramps to remember every morning he is dead. Its like mind forgets he is dead every night!! Its the terrible weight on my shoulders every morning :/

The other day I had a funny dream and the first thing I thought when I woke up was to call him and tell him about my dream. I got my phone and started calling. It took me at least 2-3 minutes to remember.

He is gone. Dead. Never coming back. All ashes now. Stupid brain. Just get it already. 

You remind me so much of what I had.  Puzzles, games, movies, laugh.  Just all the simple stuff.  That's what I enjoyed so much about my wife.  We just loved spending time with each other.  We didn't have to shower each other with the tangible things.  Just being together, enjoying each other's company, sharing our love for one another, was enough to keep us both going.  I so miss her.

I too have so many reminders of my wife.  Every day, I run into things or experiences I see.  I get so excited to think that I will be talking to my wife about it.  Then one second later, BAM!  I get hit in the face with a reminder that she's no longer here.   Ruins my day everyday.

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Azipod   
6 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

Morning is the worst for me. I cry from the time I get up until I get to my first inspection for work. I pull it together a bit after that but it starts all over again the next day. I also wish I could just tell my brain to figure it out already.

Surprisingly, for me, the crying makes me feel better. It lets me get out the trapped emotions.  Having said that, I wished this didn't happen so I don't have to cry at all.  Are we allowed to swear on the forum? Sometimes I just want to scream obscenities!

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Azipod   
5 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

It's a known fact that stress and sadness impacts healthy profoundly. If we keep living like we do, I dont think we will get 30-40 years anyway.

 

If I had the choice, I would go tomorrow.  Suicide isn't an option because of my spiritual beliefs.  But the other day, Kay referenced passive suicide.  I think I can do this.  I'll eat steak everyday.   Who cares if I get a clogged artery?   Dying is absolutely not the worst thing that can happen to me right now.

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