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cjoney

Don't know where to turn

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cjoney   

I lost my husband of 35 years in June. I've been to busy until now to grieve. I feel so alone and lonely. I do have faith but am struggling right now. There is no local support groups and my pastor just lost his son and is not in a position to counsel me. My family sees crying as a weakness so I stay at home so I don't upset anyone. I have no real close friends and nobody to talk to. Where do I go from here?

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M88   

I am so sorry for your loss, cjoney.  You have found our forum now, and I hope collectively we can give you the understanding, comfort and support that is much needed when we suffer the loss of a much loved soul mate.  Please don't see crying as a weakness, it is natures way of expressing and releasing our deep pain.  There are no words to describe our pain and what is unable to be said, will be wept.   

Only folk who have lost a soul mate can really understand the depth of pain, the 'aloneness', the uncertainty and the fear of the future.  Others try,  but it takes a very supportive and understanding person who knows us well, to see that our loss has affected absolutely every part of our lives.  I'm sorry you don't have anyone close who understands this.  

My area doesn't have a grief support group either and I'm unable to drive to the nearest one.  Is it possible for you to attend one located further away?  

Know we are here for you, cjoney.

I send you strength, love and hugs X

 

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Ka9219   

Hi, I am so sorry for your lost, I can understand you very well because I've never had close friends and grieving alone is a terrible -extra- weight to carry, sometimes our relatives can not understand what are we going through, it is difficult to understand how hard can be carrying the death of our love one if we don't live it in our own. Luckily you find us, here we can support you and let you know that the feelings of sadness are OK while you are grieving. Sadness, loneliness, hopelessness and more feelings are now settling into our lives, is part of the process and we all know is not easy. 

Words are never enough and there is no word that can make us feel better, is an unbearable pain, tears will be our partner for a long time and only time will make us feel that we are able to handle all this tragedy and the bad feelings. Take one day at a time, and if it is too much, take on hour at a time, don't desperate looking into the future, is only a cruel way to hurt ourselves. Always be patient on yourself. 

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KayC   

cj, I am so sorry.  I just responded to your other post, ignore the part about talking to your pastor then, I'm sorry, maybe in time you can both talk, it'd probably do you both good as you could relate some.  Men and women do sometimes handle their grief differently though.

I hope you can try church again now and then, it might help to be more involved so you would have friends around a bit.  This is a long process and not easy.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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Azipod   

It is completely OK to cry.  I be cried everyday since my wife has left. It is normal.  If your family is giving you trouble, then maybe you can find a quiet place to cry whenever you need to do so.  That maybe your own room, bathroom, backyard, whatever.  You can think about a safe place in the house to go to when you need to release your emotions.

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Francine   
On 9/2/2017 at 6:56 PM, cjoney said:

I lost my husband of 35 years in June. I've been to busy until now to grieve. I feel so alone and lonely. I do have faith but am struggling right now. There is no local support groups and my pastor just lost his son and is not in a position to counsel me. My family sees crying as a weakness so I stay at home so I don't upset anyone. I have no real close friends and nobody to talk to. Where do I go from here?

I am so sorry for your loss and know your pain too well.  Like you, in the beginning I too was too busy to grieve but it eventually caught up to me and consumed me.   I was broken, felt useless, alone, clueless, confused, betrayed, fragile, cried constantly; I broke down many times; I was ready to give up, pathetic, distant crushed, I felt I was going to fall apart at any given moment; empty, defeated; didn't want to exist without my Charles. As far as I see it, grief will never truly end.  It may become softer over time, more gentle, and some day will feel sharp; but it will last as long as love does - forever.  It is the way the absence of your loved one manifest in your heart.  A deep constant longing of joy, pain  and deep love you had; it's like a fog and on some days, the fog appears heavy, returns and consume you; while the next day, it may recede.   There's going to be very painful moments in your life that will change your entire world in a matter of minutes.  These moments will change you.  Let them make you stable, stronger, and smarter but don't become someone you are not.  Cry, scream if you have to; crying is not a sign of weakness; on the contrary, it is a sign of strength.  Only a strong person will cry in front of others; it is being overcome with overwhelming emotion, which can be joy, relief, and sorrow.  Never ever be ashamed of expressing your emotions through tears.

I am a stronger believer of God and faith and if not for both, I would not have made it through because I had no hope to hold on to.  My faith faltered and I felt abandon by God; I hit rock bottom, but I found out that sometimes God allows us to  hit rock bottom so that we will discover HE is the rock at the bottom.  HE brought me back and will do the same for you. 

Our lives are different now; not good; not bad; forever changed.   Today, I'm different; tomorrow, I'll be different; I feel myself changing, for the better, I doubt it.   I don't even laugh the same anymore; I don't smile the same, or talk the same; I'm lonely and tired of everything.  I'll be OK, and so will you; just not today. 
 
Stay strong and continue to post.   It was no accident or coincidence or fluke you are on this forum at this time.  You've got to believe that right here right now, you're exactly where you're supposed to be.
 

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Judy S.   

Go ahead and cry. It's a good thing to get it out. I lost my husband in June as well, and I don't think crying is a weakness at all. As it happens, an uncle of mine lost his wife in January of this year and he's been calling me since my husband died, he's a great comfort. He said he can hardly believe how much he's cried ( over the death of my aunt ). Everything in the house, well - just everything reminds him of her. And I totally understand. If I'm not mistaken, they were married close to 50 years when she died. So many years, so many blessings, but also, so much to mourn.  

I've not been very good at regular posting here, but I do know that this place is so good to come to because we all understand. 

 

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KMB   

cjoney, We are all here for you.  We understand and listen. Losing our soul mates is the hardest, most painful trial of our lives. We will survive our grieving journeys together.

Continue to post when you feel like it or just read posts. Do what ever you need to. There is so much comfort and common ground to be found here. Sending you prayers of love, comfort and peace.

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cjoney   

I can't believe that yesterday, exactly 3 months after losing my husband, my stepfather passed away unexpectedly. I don't know what to do for my mother as I'm still dealing with my own grief and am having physical issues as well.

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KayC   
2 hours ago, cjoney said:

I can't believe that yesterday, exactly 3 months after losing my husband, my stepfather passed away unexpectedly. I don't know what to do for my mother as I'm still dealing with my own grief and am having physical issues as well.

I am so sorry.  Just be there for her.  Words aren't always necessary, caring and being there is.
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2011/10/helping-grieving-parent.html 

http://www.griefhealing.com/column-helping-another-in-grief.htm 

https://www.seniorhomes.com/w/helping-a-parent-cope-with-losing-a-spouse/

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KMB   
2 hours ago, cjoney said:

 

I can't believe that yesterday, exactly 3 months after losing my husband, my stepfather passed away unexpectedly. I don't know what to do for my mother as I'm still dealing with my own grief and am having physical issues as well.

 

Oh, my gosh, cjoney, I am so sorry! What a blow on top of what you are already enduring! I have no words to give you, you already know pain and suffering of loss. The only suggestion I can give, is for you to take everything you have learned yourself and give it to your mom and yourself the best you can. It might be helpful to your own healing to place your focus on your mom. By caring and giving to others, we also help ourselves. Again, my heart breaks for you and your mom and the connecting families.  Sending prayers of love and comfort to you all.

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Eagle-96   
On 9/16/2017 at 1:55 PM, cjoney said:

I can't believe that yesterday, exactly 3 months after losing my husband, my stepfather passed away unexpectedly. I don't know what to do for my mother as I'm still dealing with my own grief and am having physical issues as well.

So very sorry for this additional loss. You are in my prayers.

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Francine   

 

On 9/16/2017 at 1:55 PM, cjoney said:

. I don't know what to do for my mother as I'm still dealing with my own grief and am having physical issues as well.

My suggestion, like many of the other post, is be there for each other.  There are no heights you cannot go together.  If one succeeds, both have succeeded. That is the joy of being there for one another.  Know I'm sending prayers up so that the blessings can come down.  Stay Strong!

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