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    • ModKonnie

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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
crownholder2

Need pastorial helpplus anything to help me understand

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Hello.Its been awhile since I have been here.I Lost my husband of 41 yrs.I am on the religious forum cause my problem is spiritual.In 4 days it will be a year since I saw him die.Problem is I can't grieve.People are telling me I am grieving in just the way God made me to grieve.That stems from my strong will.As an abused child I learned coping strategys to deal with the pain.They came alive when I lost Larry.I have no emotion.No tears.No hope,no happiness he is safe at home.I hope there is a pastor on this site ,for I need help.

Ok,I cried once,and that is when my defenses went up.God is trying to knock them down but they are inpenetrable to my eyes,which I know how stupid that sounds.I do have one other emotion.Faith.It is strong.In this past year,I had triple by-pass surgery(without Larry)It has been six months since that,so I am healed for a few years.Whoop-de-do.I have gratitude that the Lord is taking care of me ,no matter what and there are a lot of "whats".I had to put down my 9 yr old cat the day I got out of hosp.She had major open sore ,infected.and I was only gone for 8 days.It was the kindest thing for her.Sothen I was gifted with 2 kittens and everything they needed.And was told I could only have one and they had been together since birth.I still have them and they are not bringing it back up.July 27th the ceiling in my apt fell in.From back wall to ceiling fan.Termites.All had to replaced.I have a severe panic disorder.I can't be away from my home for that long.then they found the leak in the roof in my bedroom so it had to be redone.Now everything is fixed but the massive flea infestation,It has taken me from that day to This to rid them poor babies from fleas.I can't walk in with out my leg covered with so many fleas ,like dozens,you can't miss them.I should be overwhelmed by all this.But I see blessings.I an rebelling against God.He wants me to go to church so I will have a church family.Also ,I can't serve Him from mt apt.He wants me out in the world  ,being an ambassador.But I don't do well with people.Between panic(lack of faith) and pride,I don't have a prayer in the world.I can't do anything for His Kingdom with a besetting sin.A habit I put before Him as if I loved Him I would keep His commandments ,which are not grevious.And I know I am saved cause Jesus said,In Hebrews,that no chastening is pleasant ,but afterwards,yeilds the peaceable fruit of righteousness,without which we cannot see the Faather.He says if we are NOT chastened we are NOT sons and daughters,but bastards,for whom God Loves He Chastens.

Any way.four days to the anniversary and I am still in denial.I don't expect him back,I just haven't accepted he is gone forever.I am a bit afraid of what will happens if God decides to just crush the dam and let it all out.I am out of words,Love Ruthanne

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Crownholder2,

I am so very sorry about your loss of Larry. I am no pastor, but I am spiritual. I'm a little confused with your post. Why would God be trying to knock you down? So that you can grieve or cry? Aren't you already grieving? There certainly is no rule that we have to cry when we grieve. You've certainly had a bunch of unhappy situations happen in the past year, but I'm just not sure that's God trying to knock you down. Instead, it seems as though your suffering and incidents are simply life's ways of letting you know you are still alive. In each of those situations, God helped you pull through; perhaps He is letting you know you are not alone, and you still have Him. 

As far as the quote about being chastened, I have to ask you why you think God would chasten you at a time like this? You need Him! You've done nothing wrong, so I don't see your series of unfortunate events as a chastening. To me, that seems like God would be almost cruel to one of His who is already down. Again, perhaps you've misinterpreted what's going on here. Could that be possible? 

ModKonnie

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Hello.I can't believe nobody can help me.God is not finished yet.My son and his wife had a horrible fight and now she says I hate her ,hate living here.I am miserable cause I am not home and have serious panic disorder.I am most comfortable at my sons house than anywhere else but home.Now it's gonna be 2 more weeks.

Hi Modkonnie.I have smoked pot for over 40 years and that has kept me from doing any meaningful work for God as It is a besetting sin I can't quit.I have begged Him to deliver me,seen Him deliver a lot of my friends,so I know the fault isn't Him it's me.I just feel like He is trying to clean me up before He can use me as the Word says His ears are closed to the unrighteous.However,I am covered in the Blood so I'm not unrighteous in His eyes but When I sin against Him everyday it gets very hard to ask forgiveness.That is why I feel so chastened.And I know it is Love that drives Him and I love Him but I don't obey everything.I obey everything I can but some things,not.And I know God is not cruel.He loves me and has a purpose for me but I have to be obedient. hope that makes a bit more sense to you.Thank you so much for answering me,I feel alone,tho I learned long ago I am never alone and never will be,Love Ruthanne

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Ruthanne,

Have you tried counseling or group therapy to quit smoking pot? Do you want to quit smoking pot? Again, the Bible says that none are perfect, and we have all fallen short. While smoking pot is definitely illegal (in most states and countries) and not healthy for you, God still loves you. All of us are sinners. Not that I am making an excuse for bad behavior, but I feel as though you see God as a negative punisher, while I see Him as a Guide, Deliverer, Helper, Protector and Lord. I have had many struggles over the years, including several rough ones lately, but I don't see them as God trying to get me. Instead, I see it as a time for me to renew my relationship with Him again and again and trust He has my back and a plan. 

I'm no expert, but I would guess your panic disorder may have something to do with your pot smoking. And again, the Bible says that having done all you can, you should put on the armor of God and STAND. So, you've asked for deliverance, now believe you have it and do something about your smoking. Get to meetings, therapy, counseling, and whatever else is available. Take a proactive stance and get up and do something about it. Don't just sit back and be reactive waiting for a miracle. While miracles happen, they don't always happen. 

As for your son's family, let them work things out. People argue. Two weeks is completely doable; try to take the time to work on a few issues. Perhaps you could offer to help with the chores or cooking or something constructive. 

We will be here with you,

ModKonnie

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Hi again.I have been very emotional this week and their fight ,well I literally had to just sit and listen to things I didn't want or need to know.It is over and today I am off to clean at my apt.

And when I go home I will be taking no pot home with me,as that is making provision for the flesh.And as DIL and son both work,I do chore every day.There are 5 people who live here,with me,six and laundry is never ending but I got it.

And yes,I see your point about how I see the Father.My mom was quite mean to put it mildly and dad was just absent.So I have always expected swift and harsh punishment from the Lord.However He has been so merciful to me the last 40 yrs I just keep waiting for Him to beat me.Even as bad as this past year has been God has been kind and so loving.I am facing a new chapter in my life ,should I live,I want it devoted to God and I want to know I am obeying Him in all things,tho I know we all sin daily.There is forgivenessif we pray and I have to stop condemning myself so I can pray.Its all being worked out by the Lord and I am trying to go with the flow.I have to go shower and go ,so thank you for talking to me it has helped me a lot.Love Ruthanne

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Ruthanne,

You actually sound so much better today. I'm glad you've found a few things to focus on while you are waiting for your home to get ready. Let us know how you are doing, and I hope your house ends up getting done faster than what they thought! 

We will be here with you,

ModKonnie

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