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      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
AJWCat

Sick with grief and guilt

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AJWCat   

You totally captured my experience KayC. 100%. Although I am only months into this and not years. 

Does it make sense to say I am sad when I am not sad? I feel like I lose him again when I am not grieving. I don't know it's strange. Don't get me wrong, I am still heartbroken. But when I am not I feel him slipping away... yet again. 

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Maria9   

Same for me AJWCat...I feel if I'm not grieving I will forget my kitty, as if grief is a way of keeping them still with us. It is strange...i am reminding myself everyday of how stroking her felt, of all those images of her, of how much more I could have done for her....it hurts so much. When half a day passes and I am not crying, I am worried: "Is this how much I loved her? Maybe I didn't love her enough"....

 

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KayC   
8 hours ago, AJWCat said:

Does it make sense to say I am sad when I am not sad?

Once we've suffered a major loss, we carry the grief inside of us...we learn to coexist with it.  We can feel momentary joy, we can enjoy life, smile again, laugh at something funny, but all the while, our grief never leaves us.  It is our constant companion, it's not something we set aside or take off, it's there.  Not like we can forget, we're still missing them.

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KayC   
4 hours ago, Maria9 said:

I feel if I'm not grieving I will forget my kitty, as if grief is a way of keeping them still with us.

We don't need to hang onto grief...it is our love that binds us, not our grief.  Besides, grief knows where we are, it is there, we don't have to seek it out.

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AJWCat   

Yes, @Maria9 exactly what I was felling.

Love binds us not grief, I need to remember that. I think I have it the opposite! 

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AJWCat   

Traveling. Got to a hotel that we stayed in last December. I remember how much I missed our cat when we traveled and left him at home. Luckily we had a great cat sitter. She texted me a photo every day! Checking in here today, I remembered how he was alive last time we were here. Memories of my sweet kitty are everywhere. 

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KayC   

You were fortunate to have such a good and caring sitter.  I need to find/develop a new one for my dog.

It is those memories that are so hard...they eventually ease into bittersweetness.

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Maria9   

Oh  AJWCat I know what you mean, they are with us everywhere ...Their absence makes different a once familiar world, we must learn to live on these new terms.:( Yes you were fortunate to have such a caring cat sitter and to have so many photos of your kitty. I am wishing you strength, to help you adjust.

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AJWCat   

Thanks to you both. Yes @KayC I googled services local to me. There was the big one with employees and then her business which I knew was fairly new but she seemed to be far more personal and even did a pre-visit to meet our cat and learn about our apt.  

Hope you both are good. I am still traveling. Ugh. 

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Kcnmike   

Hi there, I see that you haven't posted in a bit but if you happen to see this, I could really use someone to talk to. I had to put my chihuahua down today and am not in a good place right now.

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KayC   

AJW,

I hope you're home soon!

Kcnmike,

On the forums most people check in once a day, they're not on constantly, but some should be showing up any time.  It looks like you posted late last night.  You might want to consider making an appointment with a grief counselor that specializes in pets, some of them offer services over the phone.  You might want to write Marty Tousley, Grief Counselor, moderator and grief site owner,  tousleym@aol.com  to see if she knows who/where to contact someone. https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/seeing-specialist-in-grief-counseling.html

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AJWCat   

And @Kcnmike yes, it has been hard to get online for me. Even if no one is here also, if you can, just write. Get out how you are feeling. As you can see I have created pages of it. And take the advice from KayC of course. 

 

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AJWCat   

Still heartbroken. We finally moved into our new place in our old neighborhood.

Not having our cat with us (I can picture him slinking around the place checking everything out, and then snuggling with me) is so painful still. He should be here with us. I am staying very busy, exhausted actually, but really sad. Still traumatized over how we lost him too. It was so horrible. I am still overcome when I think about the moment I saw him. How sick he was so suddenly. And I knew in my heart whatever was going on was really, really bad. 2 hours later we put him down to end his suffering. :( 

Def. have taken a step back in healing. I am 3 days away from the 90 mark of losing him.

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Maria9   

Οh  AJWCat ,my heart breaks for you....I feel your pain.Tomorrow it will be 2 months for me ,I've been crying almost all day. I keep thinking too "she should be sunning her belly on the balcony today" or "she should be watching the birds from the window now". I don't know what to say to make you feel better, it is so hard.:( At least try not to think about his final hours, though I know it is hard not to, these images are branded in your soul. Try to think that he passed in your arms and that he felt your love to the end .Maybe he chose it that way, to leave like this , to spare you the agony of watching him waste away from an incurable illness, as many do. Try to think that his spirit is still with you, in your new place .

These anniversaries break us in pieces. Our hearts know, without looking at the calendar. It is good that you are staying busy, to be a little distracted ,but try not to exhaust yourself. Grief is exhausting by itself.

I am sending you prayers for peace and healing.

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AJWCat   

Yes you are right, thinking of the very end does no good whatsoever. And, granted he was not going to live forever. He was older - 15. We adopted him when he was about 5. So... I know you are right.

Wishing you lots of healing comfort at 2 months. It is so short and yet so long all at once.  

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Ema   

Hi all. I've been reading everyone's posts. It's been about 6 weeks. Since saying goodbye to my dog baby. I walk in the house and expect to see her waiting. I start crying at the thought of it .. I can see that Im not alone in returning to those final moments. Hers was peaceful on a beautiful morning under our tree with me holding her and humming softly to her as she passed. It's just the euthanasia part thats killing me. It was gentle and peaceful but because I made that decision to end her pain, the memory of that makes me so upset. I've never had to make a decision to end a life, especially if someone I loved so much. I keep asking myself, was it real? How can this be?. This form has been very supportive. Peace and healing to you all. 

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Maria9   

Dear Ema I am so sorry for your pain...Remember what you did was out of love. For me euthanasia is the ultimate act of selfless love.  You didn't kill your baby, you ended her suffering and gave her peace. And you made her passing as beautiful as possible. I am sure she knew that .Please try to find comfort in  these thoughts.

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KayC   

AJW,

Those habit/patterns that are now missing are such a reminder of their absence, it looms out at you!  I adopted King George (cat) when he was six and for the next 13 years he was such a wonderful family cat!  He would always greet me when I came home, waiting out in the driveway.  As he got older, he'd be on the back patio, but he'd still get up to walk towards me and greet me when I came home.  Finally, that last year, he'd be laying on the porch swing, back patio, and when I came up the ramp, I'd see the top of the swing moving and I'd know he'd jumped down and was making his way towards me.  He got cancer and was suffering terribly so I had him euthanized at age 19.  I still miss him.  He was a wonderful lap cat and we enjoyed him so much.

Maria,

Will be thinking of you as it's your two month mark.  (((hugs)))

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KayC   
10 hours ago, Ema said:

Hi all. I've been reading everyone's posts. It's been about 6 weeks. Since saying goodbye to my dog baby. I walk in the house and expect to see her waiting. I start crying at the thought of it .. I can see that Im not alone in returning to those final moments. Hers was peaceful on a beautiful morning under our tree with me holding her and humming softly to her as she passed. It's just the euthanasia part thats killing me. It was gentle and peaceful but because I made that decision to end her pain, the memory of that makes me so upset. I've never had to make a decision to end a life, especially if someone I loved so much. I keep asking myself, was it real? How can this be?. This form has been very supportive. Peace and healing to you all. 

What you did was a kindness for her, not something bad.  It's much better to go that way, peacefully, with those who love you, rather than suffer to death bit by bit.  I would have had George euthanized sooner had he been properly diagnosed, but by the time I knew this was something he wasn't going to recover from, he'd already suffered more than any little cat should ever have to go through.

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AJWCat   
16 hours ago, Ema said:

Hi all. I've been reading everyone's posts. It's been about 6 weeks. Since saying goodbye to my dog baby. I walk in the house and expect to see her waiting. I start crying at the thought of it .. I can see that Im not alone in returning to those final moments. Hers was peaceful on a beautiful morning under our tree with me holding her and humming softly to her as she passed. It's just the euthanasia part thats killing me. It was gentle and peaceful but because I made that decision to end her pain, the memory of that makes me so upset. I've never had to make a decision to end a life, especially if someone I loved so much. I keep asking myself, was it real? How can this be?. This form has been very supportive. Peace and healing to you all. 

Hey @Ema it is a tough thing to do. You're forced to do something that every fiber of your being does not want to do. Mixing love with death makes no logical sense. Yet being the one to end a pet's suffering (a life in great pain or sickness isn't a happy life anymore) is truly kind. I understand how the last six weeks have been for you - we all do. :( Wish it were not so painful. 

My heart goes out to you, I am so sorry for your loss.  

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Maria9   
18 hours ago, KayC said:

Maria,

Will be thinking of you as it's your two month mark.  (((hugs)))

KayC I'm so sorry for your King George, he was such a sweet and loyal kitty, I was so touched by his story. My heart breaks that you had to see him suffer but you were kind and loving till the end and you helped him as much as possible.May you have peace with this. Their ending is never,never easy for us, no matter how.                                                        Thank you, hugs from me too! :wub:

 

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KayC   

It's weird, but no matter how many years go by, we carry within us the love and memories that mean they will never be forgotten, their lives mattered because we knew and love them for the special beings they are.  Funny how in grief I use past and present tenses interchangeably, but that's how it is, what was past still is, even though the circumstances in our lives have greatly altered with their passing.  I believe them to still be alive, I just can't reach them now.

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Maria9   

I believe too that they are still alive, in spirit form. And the love we share with them is always in the present tense, in the now.

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