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I miss my girld

even after death, I keep losing her more

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When my baby was alive, I was filled with the most horrible fear and pain every time she had a health scare. I couldn't stand the thought of losing her or of her being in pain, and even worse was the fear that it would happen as the result of something I did/didn't do. Then she died in January. She died in fear and pain and there are several ways I really messed up that led to this. Now I am in something very similar to the state of mind I was in every time I worried about her, but it's worse. It is all of the time. I haven't been able to breath correctly since it happened. She had a wonderful and happy life and she knew she was the love of my life. I am so grateful for that. But then I made a series of stupid mistakes (a more long-term mistake about not changing her medical treatment when I should have AND shorter-term mistakes after a medical emergency). It is still inconceivable that someone so loved and cared for died in such a horrible and unnecessary way, and so young. I know plenty of people who don't love or take nearly as good care of their cats as I did and their cats go on living longer and will mostly have less traumatizing deaths. I don't begrudge them for it, but it will never make sense. I go to therapy, I talk to friends and family, I volunteer at an animal shelter sometimes, and I keep plugging away at the rest of my life and trying not to focus on the painful moments or dwell on my guilt. I talk to her. I hold her ashes. I still fill her water bowl.

It hurts that there is always more to lose, no matter how long ago it happened. Memories become less vivid. There is still panic and loss as I try not to let any moment slip away. If I had never been through this I think I would probably tell someone else that this is not something they can control. But now I know that is not completely true. I don't have the control I would like, just as I can't have what I want (for her to be alive and happy and with me). But there are things that I do (like filling her water bowl, looking at pictures, talking to her) that help me remember. It is much like caring for someone with an unpredictable, terminal illness. There are things you can do, but they are limited and often unclear and in the end you will lose the battle. Death is so unfair. 

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Yes, death IS unfair.  Loss is unfair.  But we don't get promised fair and sometimes there are things beyond our control or at least our foreseeable knowledge.  We trust in vets to know what is best and guide us, but sometimes it doesn't work out like we think it should.  I'm sorry she went through pain and lost her life.

Anxiety is common in grief.  It might be something that warrants talking over with your doctor.  




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