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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
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6 hours ago, KayC said:

 It's getting better every day now.

I'm glad to hear that!  You were lucky to get through the Mersa and blood poisoning! Some people die from Mersa. My husband acquired Mersa in the hospital while being treated for something else that was minor. He went through 2 long rounds of Vancomycin that I hooked him up at home here, through a catheter. It was finally discovered through an infectious disease specialist that the reason why the Vanco wasn't working was that the Mersa was located in a toe bone (bones don't have much blood circulation) and he had to have an amputation. I remember we both were spitting angry and scared. That whole process lasted through most of 2006. Then we had to spend 3 more separate trips to the specialist for testing in order for the Mersa to be cleared on his records.

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On 8/6/2017 at 2:41 AM, Andy said:

this new, bleak reality you've found yourself in. Indeed, your soul, your heart, even at times, your mind, is breaking. The sorrow can and will leave you broken and crippled with sadness. You feel as if you're standing on the precipice of some unknown alien landscape, a cold place filled with shadows and fear. This and more will become the new routine of endless longing and helplessness, nights spent in torment and days with anxiety and frayed nerves.

This is how it is.  This is the routine.  Waking up  in the middle of night screaming or crying, running outside to see if the world still exists.  Spending days with frayed nerves and endless anxiety.  All these slowly improve but the overwelming sadness of what was and what could have been remain.  Sometimes the unknown world, this new world, completely overwelms me and I simply have to run home and cry and feel the pain of a world that at times seems completely alien, other times it seems ok.  Its just more tricks from the grief monster I suppose as this world DID exist before I was married.  But the endless anxiety seems everpresent.  

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On 8/6/2017 at 2:41 AM, Andy said:

this new, bleak reality you've found yourself in. Indeed, your soul, your heart, even at times, your mind, is breaking. The sorrow can and will leave you broken and crippled with sadness. You feel as if you're standing on the precipice of some unknown alien landscape, a cold place filled with shadows and fear. This and more will become the new routine of endless longing and helplessness, nights spent in torment and days with anxiety and frayed nerves.

This is how it is.  This is the routine.  Waking up  in the middle of night screaming or crying, running outside to see if the world still exists.  Spending days with frayed nerves and endless anxiety.  All these slowly improve but the overwelming sadness of what was and what could have been remain.  Sometimes the unknown world, this new world, completely overwelms me and I simply have to run home and cry and feel the pain of a world that at times seems completely alien, other times it seems ok.  Its just more tricks from the grief monster I suppose as this world DID exist before I was married.  But the endless anxiety seems everpresent.  

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On 8/6/2017 at 2:41 AM, Andy said:

this new, bleak reality you've found yourself in. Indeed, your soul, your heart, even at times, your mind, is breaking. The sorrow can and will leave you broken and crippled with sadness. You feel as if you're standing on the precipice of some unknown alien landscape, a cold place filled with shadows and fear. This and more will become the new routine of endless longing and helplessness, nights spent in torment and days with anxiety and frayed nerves.

This is how it is.  This is the routine.  Waking up  in the middle of night screaming or crying, running outside to see if the world still exists.  Spending days with frayed nerves and endless anxiety.  All these slowly improve but the overwelming sadness of what was and what could have been remain.  Sometimes the unknown world, this new world, completely overwelms me and I simply have to run home and cry and feel the pain of a world that at times seems completely alien, other times it seems ok.  Its just more tricks from the grief monster I suppose as this world DID exist before I was married.  But the endless anxiety seems everpresent.  

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10 hours ago, bradley1985 said:

This is how it is.  This is the routine.  Waking up  in the middle of night screaming or crying, running outside to see if the world still exists.  Spending days with frayed nerves and endless anxiety.  All these slowly improve but the overwelming sadness of what was and what could have been remain.  Sometimes the unknown world, this new world, completely overwelms me and I simply have to run home and cry and feel the pain of a world that at times seems completely alien, other times it seems ok.  Its just more tricks from the grief monster I suppose as this world DID exist before I was married.  But the endless anxiety seems everpresent.  

Routine is an understatement. Same thing different day. Wake up thinking about Lori. Shower. Cry. Let the dog out. Go to work and think about Lori all day. Tear up several times during the day. Go home. Let the dog out. Sit on the couch thinking about Lori. Cry periodically. Go to bed. Wake up 8-9 times a night. Wake up still tired and do it all over again. 

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1 hour ago, Eagle-96 said:

Routine is an understatement. Same thing different day. Wake up thinking about Lori. Shower. Cry. Let the dog out. Go to work and think about Lori all day. Tear up several times during the day. Go home. Let the dog out. Sit on the couch thinking about Lori. Cry periodically. Go to bed. Wake up 8-9 times a night. Wake up still tired and do it all over again. 

Ditto on that. With the exception I am retired and our spouse's names. I am drained out, exhausted, trying to fight the same daily fight. Have to find the inner, hidden reserves to keep going. We have no choice.

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Sean,

When you wrote that, it reminded me of groundhog day, all over again, day after day.  It amazes me how I still have to take one day at a time, even after all these years.  I can't look at how long the wait is or how many years I have looming before me, it's too much.

I, like KMB, am retired, so I don't have a job to go to to kill the time.  I've gotten active in volunteering so I have somewhere to go nearly every day.  Yesterday I stayed home all day and I find it's hard to be home alone ALL DAY, it seems much too long.  I can't help thinking how different it would be if George were here to share in that time.  How very different indeed.

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On 8/14/2017 at 10:33 AM, Eagle-96 said:

Routine is an understatement. Same thing different day. Wake up thinking about Lori. Shower. Cry. Let the dog out. Go to work and think about Lori all day. Tear up several times during the day. Go home. Let the dog out. Sit on the couch thinking about Lori. Cry periodically. Go to bed. Wake up 8-9 times a night. Wake up still tired and do it all over again. 

 

On 8/14/2017 at 0:28 PM, KMB said:

I am drained out, exhausted, trying to fight the same daily fight. Have to find the inner, hidden reserves to keep going. We have no choice.

I understand this.  I make myself a little busy to ease the pain for a few hours but it really doesnt ease.  Its always there, always waiting when I am finished with the task.  I don't wake up as much as you but 2-3 times is hard enough and those are some of the worst moments of the 24 hour day.   Last night I had a nightmare that I was being chased by the police and wanted for murder.  Then I wake up to my real nightmare that she isnt beside me to talk too.  Gut wrenching.  It feels like I am going to feel guilty for the rest of my life.  Not so much for her lack of taking care of herself (her fault), but because I didnt recognize the dangers of her behavior and didnt see the emergency for what it was. There are no do-overs. I feel sick most of the time, but its not the same kind of sick I felt in the first six months.  Its a different "more emotional" sickness that affects the mind and stomach more and alters the way the world appears.  

Every morning I wake up just as drained as when I went to sleep but I cant sleep any longer.  I just get up, make coffee, go for a walk, and start trying to work.  I am trying to take better care of myself these days but I dont know what for.   The question "why keep going on?" continually pops up.  Whats the point?  I dont feel that close to most of my family, even less close after Nicole died.  I only have one person in the whole world that actually somewhat depends on me.  I have no animals.  When I make plans with people it keeps me busy for awhile and sometimes I even feel hopeful that I can have a life again.  But it always comes back to this sick feeling, like its all over.  Looking at the sky and trees and birds and dreaming of how things could have been but will never be.  Looking to the future and imagining myself growing older as a single man without Nicole makes me sick and depressed beyond comprehension.  Enough to drive one to death.  But it makes me just as sick to my stomach when I think about killing myself.  I dont know who I am anymore.  Its just lose/lose. 

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7 hours ago, bradley1985 said:

 

I understand this.  I make myself a little busy to ease the pain for a few hours but it really doesnt ease.  Its always there, always waiting when I am finished with the task.  I don't wake up as much as you but 2-3 times is hard enough and those are some of the worst moments of the 24 hour day.   Last night I had a nightmare that I was being chased by the police and wanted for murder.  Then I wake up to my real nightmare that she isnt beside me to talk too.  Gut wrenching.  It feels like I am going to feel guilty for the rest of my life.  Not so much for her lack of taking care of herself (her fault), but because I didnt recognize the dangers of her behavior and didnt see the emergency for what it was. There are no do-overs. I feel sick most of the time, but its not the same kind of sick I felt in the first six months.  Its a different "more emotional" sickness that affects the mind and stomach more and alters the way the world appears.  

Every morning I wake up just as drained as when I went to sleep but I cant sleep any longer.  I just get up, make coffee, go for a walk, and start trying to work.  I am trying to take better care of myself these days but I dont know what for.   The question "why keep going on?" continually pops up.  Whats the point?  I dont feel that close to most of my family, even less close after Nicole died.  I only have one person in the whole world that actually somewhat depends on me.  I have no animals.  When I make plans with people it keeps me busy for awhile and sometimes I even feel hopeful that I can have a life again.  But it always comes back to this sick feeling, like its all over.  Looking at the sky and trees and birds and dreaming of how things could have been but will never be.  Looking to the future and imagining myself growing older as a single man without Nicole makes me sick and depressed beyond comprehension.  Enough to drive one to death.  But it makes me just as sick to my stomach when I think about killing myself.  I dont know who I am anymore.  Its just lose/lose. 

What a strange existence we live in when having a nightmare while sleeping is preferred to the real nightmare we live while awake. It's so frustrating to wake up in the morning and be just as tired as when I went to sleep the night before. Sometimes it feels like I am the one who died and this existence is my personal Hell. Sleeping with no relief. Crying with no resolution. Not having the one person that would understand my despair. Going from being the happiest person I know to the saddest. And the scariest part is, will my legacy be happy person who was sad for the rest of his life after his wife died or a sad person who was happy for 45 years. Which part is the anomaly?

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8 hours ago, bradley1985 said:

When I make plans with people it keeps me busy for awhile and sometimes I even feel hopeful that I can have a life again.  But it always comes back to this sick feeling, like its all over.

Having even a fleeting glimmer of hope or any good feeling is a very positive sign I've learned to embrace for the moment it lasts, hopefully it'll continue to increase.  Even if we immediately return to the sick feeling, still it's not continually the sick feeling so we know it's possible.  In time it will quit "hitting" you again and again and you will become aware of and even adjust to her being gone, I know that doesn't seem possible but it happens, and I do think it's easier to handle once it quits hitting you afresh with reality.

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3 hours ago, KayC said:

Having even a fleeting glimmer of hope or any good feeling is a very positive sign I've learned to embrace for the moment it lasts, hopefully it'll continue to increase.  Even if we immediately return to the sick feeling, still it's not continually the sick feeling so we know it's possible.  In time it will quit "hitting" you again and again and you will become aware of and even adjust to her being gone, I know that doesn't seem possible but it happens, and I do think it's easier to handle once it quits hitting you afresh with reality.

What has been going on with me, is that I don't even know what I want, or even if I should be wanting anything else from this life. I'm going under the assumption that this is part of the adjusting. It has been a year and I am still floating with the day, just to get that day done. All I think about is wanting to be with my husband. A want I cannot have until God decides that for me.

I have moments when I smile, laugh, but it is for the benefit of my daughter or anyone else I am interacting with. On the inside, I am a crying, emotional wreck. But, I don't need anyone worrying about me and if I am going to go off the deep end. I don't want for my daughter to feel she has to be on some kind of suicide watch over me. So, I put on the mask at certain times and struggle through. She knows how I feel, we have our talks. I just don't want for her to worry about me, when she is trying to get herself back on her feet.

I had an appointment at the funeral home earlier this week. I had a funeral trust fund account set up along with my arrangements. My kids approve of what I have done. It will be my final gift to them. I don't wish for them to have to agonize over decisions on if they were doing the right things for me. Since they all live from paycheck to paycheck, I've relieved them of any financial burdens.

I don't know what my future holds or my length of time here. This past year without my husband has been pure hell. I've learned a lot. Neither one of us were expecting him to leave as suddenly as he did. Yes, I am speaking for my husband, also. I'm sure when he found himself in Heaven, he was just as shocked as I was. But, since Heaven is such a wonderful place, he adjusted and is at peace, under God's care. A lot better than what I am going through. I've just gone with the inner push to see to my own legal/financial/ end of life responsibilities. As a mother, I still I have this need to take care of my kids and make their load of living as easy as I can.

Thanks for letting me ramble, for anyone reading this. Even though I am constantly sad, lonely for my husband, my mind still thinks somewhat rationally, logically, (which I consider a miracle).

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I've talked with my kids about who I want to have certain things, made out my will, made my son Executor because if it were left to my daughter it wouldn't get done...she's capable, but she's a procrastinator.  He has children who will hopefully be able to help him when the time comes that he has to deal with this.  I just want cremated and they can do what they want about all of the stuff I've accumulated, if they don't want any of it it doesn't matter, I'll be done with it. :)  I hope to have the place paid for so they can sell it and get something out of it.

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

I've talked with my kids about who I want to have certain things, made out my will, made my son Executor because if it were left to my daughter it wouldn't get done...she's capable, but she's a procrastinator.  He has children who will hopefully be able to help him when the time comes that he has to deal with this.  I just want cremated and they can do what they want about all of the stuff I've accumulated, if they don't want any of it it doesn't matter, I'll be done with it. :)  I hope to have the place paid for so they can sell it and get something out of it.

Cremation is all I arranged for also. I opted out of a memorial service. My oldest daughter, the one who moved in with me, is executor of my will, power of attorney for health and financial decisions. I told her if her and her brother and sister want to have their own celebration of life, that all 3 should just go out for a good steak dinner or a pizza party. I've always been a more quiet, private type of person, similar to my husband. My kids and my few friends understand me, that is all that matters.

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