TooDevastated

My soulmate/best friend died

52 posts in this topic

I have been with my boyfriend for for the last 4 years. He was an unhappy person when we have met. Depressed and rejected help and love from everyone else. He wasnt anti social or anything. On the contrary, he had SO many friends around that loved hanging out with him, enjoyed chatting with him, and appreciated his advice. Somehow, for some reason, this 35-year old who has never fallen in love before, loved me. He loved me more than any one else ever has in my life (perhaps except my mum). He was compassionate towards all nature and animals, he was smart and interesting, he'd make the funniest jokes ever. I loved him so much. For the first time in my life also, I let my walls down and I loved someone unconditionally. I sad to myself, "this guy, he is the real deal. He is the one. He would never ever ever hurt me. He would never break my heart." And I knew he wouldn't. 

He overcame his depression, started eating healthy, renewed his house, bought a car, changed many many things in his life so we could have the best future possible. We loved each other so dearly and we finally even managed to convince my mum that the age difference and everything else wouldnt matter (I'm 25). We were just starting out making serious life plans for our future, plans to get married, introduce our families etc. 

Only 3 days after we had a fantastic holiday abroad, finally when everything was going in a perfect direction in my life (with my family, my career, and the love of my life), I got a call from his sister telling me he collapsed at footy because of a heart attack and they couldnt revive him...

The last thing he got to tell me was that he'd call me after football that afternoon. I'm glad we always told each other how much we loved each other though. At least he knew he meant the world to me. He died right before my birthday and was out buying me presents that day... 

I was the closest person to him. The one he shared all of his secrets with. We would chat about anything and have fun just being in each others company. We had so many inside jokes. We loved cooking together. We made many many wonderful memories together.

I was in shock for the first 2 weeks. I couldnt (or wouldnt) believe it. I refused to believe that the man I loved so much would never come back. He wasnt the kind of guy that would leave me. I told myself, "this is surely a mistake, some kind of a cruel joke.." 

I started therapy immediately. They prescribed me some mild antidepressants also. I don't think they even work. It has been almost a month since my beautiful soulmate has passed and Im still in pain beyond pain. 

I cry so much everyday. Maybe too much. I feel like there's nothing to get up to in the mornings. I force myself out of bed. I force myself to eat a little. I force myself to engage in daily conversations with people. 

I lost so much weight and hair...my face is all big and red from all the cries. I dont even want to look at the mirror anymore. My other half is gone and it actually feels like half of me had died with him. And my remaning half is in so much agony and begs to stop going on. 

I used to be a positive and cheerful and resistant person. I overcame so many difficulties in life before. But this...I cant handle this! How can a god that everyone considers merciful take him and leave me behind and except me to keep living? 

I'm angry that we had so many plans togethet that we can never achieve now. I'm angry that he got a funeral before he got our wedding. I'm angry that he is taken right when he finally started living his life. I'm angry that none of our jokes and plans matter anymore...

Everyone keeps telling me I'm young and beautiful and will have other chances in life. They dont realise what I have lost. They can't understand.

I wont commit suicide..just in case there really is an afterlife. I wont blow up my chances of seeing that great person again. I started getting chest pains and numbness all over my body (I think from sadness stress and crying too much). But I wont go to the hospital. If my heart fails too, then be it... I feel like there is nothing left here anyway... 

 

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1 hour ago, TooDevastated said:

I'm angry that we had so many plans togethet that we can never achieve now. I'm angry that he got a funeral before he got our wedding. I'm angry that he is taken right when he finally started living his life. I'm angry that none of our jokes and plans matter anymore...

Everyone keeps telling me I'm young and beautiful and will have other chances in life. They dont realise what I have lost. They can't understand.

It it suppose that I have to say something "good" to try to make you feel "better", but when I read this I burst into tears, because I totally understand this, I am 25 years old, and let me tell you that Mario -my boyfriend who died of brain death after his own car asphyxiated him- also got a funeral before a wedding -this totally breaks me-, and yes, dreams, and plans are not longer worth it, they were buried next to him. Omg, I am in so much pain right now, I understand the pain and the frustration and the anger, how could life be so unfair?

To everyone who is telling you, you will have "other chances", NO, they DON'T understand, they don't have a clue about what feels like, to be ripped in two pieces and forced to keep living that way, feeling dead inside.

I am really sorry for you loss, I am really really sorry. This is not easy, I felt like I've been punished by an selfish and despot god, that life spit on my face and burn down to ashes all my dreams when he passed away.

Medication can't not take away the pain of the soul, because the part of you who is hurting is your soul. The pain is overwhelming, so the memories and thoughts.

Indeed age is just a number, as you describe it, you loved each other deeply, and sadly, the grieve is proportional to the love you both have, the bigger the love, the deepest the grieve. Try to go one day at a time, do what feels good for you, if you don't want to talk, don't, but if you need to talk find someone that will listen to you -family, friends-.

We are here for you

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I am so very sorry for your loss. It seems unreal that the person you loved and cherished the most on this Earth has been taken away from you. It is a pain that only we that have experienced it can truly understand. We are here for you. You can come here to read, post, vent, cry, whatever you need to do to help you. We will listen and hopefully provide guidance through our experiences to help you down this road. I pray that you will find comfort and peace as you walk this path.

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I am so sorry for your loss, it is great and if anyone gets it, it's us.  I don't think antidepressants relieve all our pain, this is too great for even a pill to relieve, it feels like depression but it's grief, no way to avoid it but waft straight through it.  It does help to express yourself, so I'm glad you've found this place.  People will say all kinds of inappropriate things, not having been through it they can't understand.  Best to let all that go in one ear and out the other if you can, it doesn't hurt to tell them how you feel.  Just realize that they still likely will not get it.  I'm glad you've found your way here and hope you find comfort and encouragement here.

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I am so terribly sorry for your and know your pain; I lost my Charles to a heart attack right in front of my eyes - and the memory hunts me still.  I'm happy you found each other because from your post, it is evident the loved you shared for one another and the envision you had with each other.  When we lose someone so near and dear to us, we shut down and are lives that once was full of life are now filled with doubt, uncertainty and anger; and that's only normal.  Like you mentioned, we are now only half of what we used to be and how does a half of a person continue living.  That's like asking someone to drive half a car; or fly in half of a plane.  I know the anger and to a certain degree, I'm still angry; but little by little I'm learning that anger doesn't solve anything; it builds nothing, but it can destroy everything.

8 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I'm angry that we had so many plans together that we can never achieve now. I'm angry that he got a funeral before he got our wedding. I'm angry that he is taken right when She started living his life. I'm angry that none of our jokes and plans matter anymore...

Sometimes turning your anger into joy helps tremendously - it wouldn't be easy, but what is these days.   Plans that will no longer happen - think about the joy that did; angry for going to a funeral instead of a wedding - think about the loved he left this world with; angry that he is taken right when he finally started living his life - find joy in knowing a person who was in the beginning unhappy, depressed and rejected, found love that changed him and you forever; angry that none of your jokes and plans matter anymore...; find joy in knowing they matter - simply because he mattered; you matter and the love you shared will always matter.  I would strongly suggest you take care of yourself - check out those chest pain with your doctor; I think your loved one would have wanted you to, don't you think?  Your loved one needs to be remembered and who best could do that - You. 

I pray that God gives you the hope and strength to endure this horrible journey; hope to know it will happen and strength to hold on until it does  Continue post; know that we are family here and you are most definitely welcomed.

 

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I have nothing more to add to what the others so wonderfully and compassionately have given to you. I am deeply sorry for your loss and it pains me whenever I see a new member. I know what you are going through.The loss of our soulmates is a deep sadness and heartache we will carry with us forever. One day at a time will see us through. Sending prayers of peace and comfort to you. (HUGS)

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I say amen to Francine's post!

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Thanks everyone for your kind words. It's been a month since he died today. I hate my life more than ever...

In a way, it feels like yesterday. In a way, I feel like I havent seen him in years. 

Im still trying to survive with half of me dead. I havent been alive for the last 4 weeks..I have just been doing my best to survive. I'm not sure how long I can bear this pain in my chest. 

World feels like a prison sentence now. But what did I do to deserve this sentence?! What did I do wrong? What am I guilty of?

Its like the world has lost ALL of its attraction for me. Its all empty now. I hate seeing things he would smile/laugh at...I hate seeing things that would interest us both. 

I miss our casual chats. I miss his cuddles and kisses. I miss him looking at me like Im the prettiest thing in the universe. I miss the sound of his voice and how he replied 'Hoooooney' on the phone.

The picture of his dead body haunts me at nights. I only looked at him once yet somehow my mind reminds me of all the details. How the mouth I loved kissing went all purple, how old and tired he looked in his casket, how he looked like he has been punched on the noise... 

I dont think it will ever get easy to carry this pain. Did anyone else started getting real chest pains and feel your heart pounding really fast all the time?

 

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http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/03/physical-reactions-to-loss.html

It's important to see your doctor when you're going through grief.  It's very stressful on us, and anxiety is common.  We feel depressed but it's not necessarily clinical depression, it's from grief.  There's no way to avoid the grief, we can distract ourselves, but it's still there waiting for us to deal with it.  A grief counselor is also helpful as they can help us find our way through the maze of grief...it can seem overwhelming and we're at a loss to know where to start with this uncharted territory (to us).  

Yes it does feel like a time warp, both yesterday and forever at the same time.  I'm sorry, I know all too well how hard this is. :(

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6 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I dont think it will ever get easy to carry this pain. Did anyone else started getting real chest pains and feel your heart pounding really fast all the time?

I am sorry you are going through this. Grieving for our loved one is the hardest trial of our lives. Chest pains/heaviness, racing heart.Sounds like anxiety attacks, but you should go see your doctor just to make sure. Maybe meds for helping you to relax. I had constant anxiety attacks for the first several months. For myself, I am not into chemical meds. I used aromatherapy and herbals.  But, I would not rule out pharmaceuticals. They do have their place. You need to try and see what works for you. The main concern is seeking help. I still have the occasional anxiety attack. Usually when I am feeling overwhelmed with facing a challenge, since I am by myself.

You are still very new in your journey. You will be enduring many emotions, thoughts, feelings, challenges. Time and patience, self care, will help you. Just breathe, take it moment by moment, hour by hour. This journey is one step, one day at a time.:wub:

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I am having the worst time of my life ever...

My better half has gone. Everything that mattered to me has gone. I love him more than everyone else in my life combined.

I really dont have any reason to be alive anymore. What am I going to do for the rest of my life? I just hope to have a short life like him so we can unite soon...

Everything reminds me of him and I am in constant agony. 

Is it bad to wish to die young? I know my family would be very sad  but after my boyfriends death, I will never have the happy life they wished for me. I am worried that they will be sadder and sadder seeing me drown in this pain too but I cant help it.

 

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59 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

I am worried that they will be sadder and sadder seeing me drown in this pain too but I cant help it.

I know you cannot help what you are feeling, but going one day at a time, is purpose enough to relieve the worry for your family. You wouldn't wish for them to be in your shoes, experiencing the pain of your loss. Having thoughts of wanting to be with our loved ones who have passed, is quite normal, in the early phases of grieving. Good thing those thoughts do evolve. it is not healthy, physically or for our mental well being, to stay in total misery. The grieving process does evolve, gradually, and with much effort from ourselves. We have no choice but to finish out our life. Our reward for that will be our reunion with our beloveds.

None of us know what we are going to do now. Just take it one day at a time and life will unfold for us in the way it is meant to.:wub:

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6 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I am having the worst time of my life ever...

My better half has gone. Everything that mattered to me has gone. I love him more than everyone else in my life combined.

I really dont have any reason to be alive anymore. What am I going to do for the rest of my life? I just hope to have a short life like him so we can unite soon...

Everything reminds me of him and I am in constant agony. 

Is it bad to wish to die young? I know my family would be very sad  but after my boyfriends death, I will never have the happy life they wished for me. I am worried that they will be sadder and sadder seeing me drown in this pain too but I cant help it.

 

Your heart and soul is broken, I understand this wish of dying, I am pretty sure most of us in this forum have felt it. 

One of my favorites quotes were: Life is not fair, get used to it. It is a cruel reality, sometimes we don't ask much, just the opportunity of wake up every morning next to the person we love, but for all of us that "dream" is not truth anymore.

I was talking to my therapist and I told her: I understand that I have to "keep going" but sometimes a feel this is like a "psychological suicide", I feel miserable since the time a woke up until the time a fall sleep. I am dead inside, my soul rots every day that goes by without Mario.

It is not easy, losing someone takes so much from you.

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I want to direct you to this thread to read Nobody1's post and the responses given there, because I think you can probably relate to her.  What I responded to her, I want to share with you also.

 

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Thanks for directing me to that thread. I do feel like Nobody1 at times really...

At 25, everyone around me is full of hope and life (as I used to be)... My friends dont even know what to tell me or how to act and frankly, there is nothing to be told anyway...

Everyone has gotten back to their lives and the only other person who'd understand me, hold me and listen to me without any judgement is gone from my life forever. After a shitty day, the comfort of knowing he is there and ready to cuddle me up and listen is gone.

Not only have I lost him, I also lost all my motivation in life. My own mother tells me he was just a boyfriend and I should just stop crying and accept he is dead. My sister is being just as cruel telling me I just have to 'move on'.  

I have never been SO alone in SUCH a big pain.. People wont even respect my grief...

It doesnt matter that Im young and healthy. My life will never be whole again. My heart feels dead. I will not feel happy ever again. And I dont understand why nobody is showing the least bit of compassion to me.

Bruce's loss changed everything. Turned my life upside down. I became this lifeless person from the cheerful girl I was. I learned what a bitter pain it is to lose someone so significant. I learned how nobody really cared for MY feelings other than him.

I learned that I can lose everything I worked so hard for in the blink of an eye. I won't have other chances in life like everybody keeps telling me. 

I cant even try to love someone else knowing that my soulmate is waiting for me on the other side who loved me more than everything in his life. 

I feel so sad for myself that I am doomed to this lonely life at this age. What am I gonna do in the next 10 20 30 40 50 or even 60 years?! 

I wish I could give all of my health to someone who has loads to live for. I practically lived in the cancer ward in the hospital for months for my mum a few years ago so I know the motivation people have to hold on to their lives. Just to keep going even for a few years longer. I wish I could just transfer all my life energy and youth to someone who wants it. Because I am just so ready to die...

I am sorry for always posting negative things. The last time I had a good day feels like a million years ago.

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It broke my heart that she called herself "Nobody".  I think all of us could identify in our early grief...the only difference being I've lived way beyond the early grief so I have a different perspective now.  While that perspective includes and does not forget the days/months of early grief, it now includes more.

I hope you've been able to read the thread about Continuing Bonds posted here, I find that to be particularly helpful to those grieving.

What your mom said she meant well but it has the opposite effect, it actually invalidates your feelings!  I've posted this already but want to share it with you, maybe you can share it with your mom:  http://www.griefhealing.com/column-what-is-not-helpful.htm Hence your feelings "People wont even respect my grief..."  I wish they would, if only they could understand, but they don't, not having been through it themselves.  

It is okay to share your feelings, if not here, where?  We get it.

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On 07.08.2017 at 5:32 AM, Ka9219 said:

Your heart and soul is broken, I understand this wish of dying, I am pretty sure most of us in this forum have felt it. 

One of my favorites quotes were: Life is not fair, get used to it. It is a cruel reality, sometimes we don't ask much, just the opportunity of wake up every morning next to the person we love, but for all of us that "dream" is not truth anymore.

I was talking to my therapist and I told her: I understand that I have to "keep going" but sometimes a feel this is like a "psychological suicide", I feel miserable since the time a woke up until the time a fall sleep. I am dead inside, my soul rots every day that goes by without Mario.

It is not easy, losing someone takes so much from you.

This is too hard to cope with isnt it? It has taken so much from us. All of our joy in life, plans, happy memories, jokes, conversations, casual laughs, cuddles and kisses, support and motivation has died with them...

The life I have worked so hard to plan and the future I (and we together) have shaped is all suddenly gone. 

I cannot bear seeing the stuff he bought for our future home together. I cannot bear thinking that he was out looking for a birthday present for me the day he died ;(  I cannot make sense of his death.

We had such a perfect future ahead...why would this happen to him? Happen to us? We were both people with helpful hearts trying to do some good in the world. 

I cannot help but think my time must be limited on earth too. God must have planned to take him slightly earlier because he couldnt handle life without me... If my death is near, only then I can make sense of his passing. 

 

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2 hours ago, KayC said:

What your mom said she meant well but it has the opposite effect, it actually invalidates your feelings! 

My mum never understood or bothered to try to understand my bond with Bruce. She is so shallow about age comparisons and uni degress etc. to see that what we had was real love. Instead of showing my relationship some respect, she had always been suspicious of his intentions.

She seemed sad finding out about his death but I cant help feeling she could even be happy and relieved on the inside. Relieved that I wont marry someone older or with good enough qualifications...

What she doesnt get is that I have found true love on this earth  when it is so rare to come by. I have had the luck of knowing what it feels like to fall asleep in his arms and have a laugh with him. I have had the chance of knowing what it is like to be adored by someone I truely loved.

I have lost all of that now. Its like having your wings taken away after learning how to fly. What my cold-hearted mother fails to understand is that I lost the love of my life and I will never be the same again. I will never be whole or happy again.

And she is being this way after I spent months caring for her at the hospital when she had cancer, I had to postpone my plans to move in with Bruce because of she was so scared of being alone, I have been her only child to always support her financially. 

Even after her disrespect for my grief, I am only not committing suicide knowing she'd be a mess after that. I just wish she tried just a little bit to understand the things I have to sacrifice for her...

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5 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

This is too hard to cope with isnt it? It has taken so much from us. All of our joy in life, plans, happy memories, jokes, conversations, casual laughs, cuddles and kisses, support and motivation has died with them...

The life I have worked so hard to plan and the future I (and we together) have shaped is all suddenly gone. 

I cannot bear seeing the stuff he bought for our future home together. I cannot bear thinking that he was out looking for a birthday present for me the day he died ;(  I cannot make sense of his death.

We had such a perfect future ahead...why would this happen to him? Happen to us? We were both people with helpful hearts trying to do some good in the world. 

I cannot help but think my time must be limited on earth too. God must have planned to take him slightly earlier because he couldnt handle life without me... If my death is near, only then I can make sense of his passing. 

 

I think is beyond "too hard", some days I feel my life is meaningless, as you I can't stand they idea living almost 50 years without him, I know you felt the same way.

Our soul is severely damaged, because as you said, all our dreams are now on the trash, it is not possible anymore. I miss my sweet man, his hugs, and support, his essence, and energy, the love he gave me every day. I feel miserable because I dreamed a life with him and now he is gone.

There is always "why" and "If", too many questions, not a single answer. Bad things happens to good people because this world is chaos and unfair. I wish I could know my time on earth is short, but we don't know =(

11 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

My own mother tells me he was just a boyfriend and I should just stop crying and accept he is dead. My sister is being just as cruel telling me I just have to 'move on'.  

I have never been SO alone in SUCH a big pain.. People wont even respect my grief...

I've heard the same thing, they said: "is just a boyfriend" and I wonder "just a boyfriend?" what do they mean with that? love is not valid when you have a boyfriend? Does love change when our status change from "single" to "married" in a paper? those people who said such a thing didn't love their boyfriend?

I'll say, people don't understand grief, people have no clue of the pain, the agony and the suffering.

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"Just a boyfriend" invalidates your feelings and does you a disservice.  I would set anyone straight that says that!  It angers me that people can be so stupid, I'm sorry, but that's really stupid!  "Move on" is just as stupid!  These people have no clue what you're going through, I wouldn't count on them for supportiveness.

Here's a couple of articles you might want to print for them:
http://www.griefhealing.com/column-what-is-not-helpful.htm  (the formatting is messed up in the link so I cleaned it up and am attaching the cleaned up version here)  Helpful-NOT!.docx

Tim Lawrence - Grief isn't wallowing 

 

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10 minutes ago, KayC said:

"Just a boyfriend" invalidates your feelings and does you a disservice.  I would set anyone straight that says that!  It angers me that people can be so stupid, I'm sorry, but that's really stupid!  "Move on" is just as stupid!  These people have no clue what you're going through, I wouldn't count on them for supportiveness.

The sad reality is that ALL of these word, cliches, and platitudes are hollow and unfeeling. People say what makes them feel better about themselves with terrible consequences. And they say these things from a position of ignorance. I mean, I would never go to MIT and give them my take on the latest trends in electrical engineering. Why do people think they can give advice on how we should feel or act in the midst of our grief. Stupid is an understatement. Ahhhh, the joys of our new reality.

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7 hours ago, KayC said:

"Just a boyfriend" invalidates your feelings and does you a disservice.  I would set anyone straight that says that!  It angers me that people can be so stupid, I'm sorry, but that's really stupid!  "Move on" is just as stupid!  These people have no clue what you're going through, I wouldn't count on them for supportiveness.

Here's a couple of articles you might want to print for them:
http://www.griefhealing.com/column-what-is-not-helpful.htm  (the formatting is messed up in the link so I cleaned it up and am attaching the cleaned up version here)  Helpful-NOT!.docx

Tim Lawrence - Grief isn't wallowing 

 

I will read this tomorrow. Thanks for your supporting words KayC. Even the tiniest support I receive is much appreciated at the moment. This is by far the darkest place in my life...

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7 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

The sad reality is that ALL of these word, cliches, and platitudes are hollow and unfeeling. People say what makes them feel better about themselves with terrible consequences. And they say these things from a position of ignorance. I mean, I would never go to MIT and give them my take on the latest trends in electrical engineering. Why do people think they can give advice on how we should feel or act in the midst of our grief. Stupid is an understatement. Ahhhh, the joys of our new reality.

Eagle-96,

You are so lucky have your child together. You have got your wifes most precious part with you to love and cherish for the rest of your life even though she herself is gone, you have the chance to look at her/him and see your lovely wife..

I wish we had a baby...that would have been a great reason and comfort to stay strong. Now, my dreams of one day becoming a mum is gone too. I will NOT have a baby that I could not make with Bruce. 

Im not even sure I care about how my family would feel about my death anymore! I had moved back in with my mum a few years ago so I could take care of her (she had had several surgeries and had cancer) and now I have to constantly hear how disappointed she is in me. Or how I should have gotten back to normal by now.

Apparently, I am so "weak" for not being able to get back to normal (as if anything could ever be remotely close to normal again) and I am "attention-seeking" for starting to cry for no reason (and I cant believe my sister is causing her to think this way). My own family is SO cruel to me. I realised that in this hard time of my life. 

I really hope to die soon so at least I can be in his loving arms again. My family would "get over it" after a month anyway as they say I should have right?

All of my previous future plans other than him were career oriented. And they just seem SO trivial now? Who cares if I attend one more conference? Who cares if I finish my thesis? My life has lost its meaning with him. I really feel like I have got nothing to do in the world.

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3 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

now I have to constantly hear how disappointed she is in me. Or how I should have gotten back to normal by now.

That is so harsh, cruel! it has only been a couple months since your loss. It is beyond me how some people treat others in the manner they do. Your own family at that! Love, loss, grieving, all go together and no one has the right to put a time frame on that.

Maybe, in time, you could get your own place, become interested in your career again. It would give you something to focus on. Your partner would want you to live a good life, complete your dreams for him, yourself.  (HUGS)

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