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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
Djh0901kc

Don't know what to say

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4 hours ago, Azipod said:

The current life is miserable.  And there is heavy sadness all over.   However, I like to think that it's not going to be like this forever.  So the goal is to be able to live each day, cherish our partner, and learn how to incorporate them everyday in this new life of ours.    This is not a life that we wished for.  But given our tragic circumstances, it appears that it's the only choice we have now.

So spot on----

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15 hours ago, Azipod said:

I like to think that it's not going to be like this forever.

To much extent it is, but I've gotten used to it.  You're young, I hope it will be different for you.  I can't drive at night so that cuts out much activities.  I'm growing old alone, in the country, that has its affects.  I've involved myself in activities, gotten a schedule, that all helps, but still there are the evenings/nights alone, it's hard at best.

10 hours ago, KMB said:

Leaving this life holding onto each other in our sleep of natural old age.

Oh why couldn't we have had that!

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19 hours ago, KMB said:

I feel the same. It has only been just under 15 months, but at the same time, it feels like my time with my husband has already been a life time ago. Like a  long ago dream that never leaves your mind. Where did all that time go? Why can't I push replay and relive all that time and edit it to the happily ever after I envisioned? Leaving this life holding onto each other in our sleep of natural old age.

It’s like another life that belonged to someone else. I can remember it like I was there but it was a different person. 15 years gone in 5 months

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Sitting at my mom and grandmas house. There’s the blanket Kayla made for my grandma. There’s the throw pillow she had made for them for Christmas with family photos printed onto it. Pictures of us everywhere. Her purse sitting next to the couch where she always used to put it. Pies bought from bakers square because she was the one that always made them from scratch. I hate this. I hate this day. I hate that she isn’t here where she should be.

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Djh,

It's hard when there are reminders everywhere, this will be the case for a very long time.  Her absence will always be felt, with or without those reminders.  Especially such a person as her.  It's so damned hard, I'm so sorry.

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On 11/24/2017 at 7:59 AM, KayC said:

Djh,

It's hard when there are reminders everywhere, this will be the case for a very long time.  Her absence will always be felt, with or without those reminders.  Especially such a person as her.  It's so damned hard, I'm so sorry.

Christmas coming is terrifying. I’ve been avoiding stores that decorate which is hard to do. Christmas music is like nails on a chalkboard. I’m a full blown grinch it seems

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Today is 25 weeks. Almost 6 months. Those of you who have been doing this for years have my utmost admiration.

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Djh, You have my sympathies. When I was around the 6th month mark, I was going bonkers with grieving, doing a lot of screaming and crying. I truly did not know what to do with myself. The permanence of my so called reality was hitting hard at that time.  It is by no means easy now either. The pain is still there, but, more like a dull ache. The sadness is a constant cloud surrounding me.

I have been avoiding the stores and the music myself. I don't even turn on the radio when driving. Thank goodness for online shopping. I have picked out a few things for the kids and my granddaughter, via the internet. I have to grit my teeth and handle Christmas in some way for them. Without the few people I do still have left and my pets, I don't know where I would be.

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I hit the six month mark at Christmas, which seemed a double whammy.  I still don't like shopping malls and the whole scene.  I bought for my grandkids via the internet.  

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On 12/1/2017 at 1:06 PM, KMB said:

Djh, You have my sympathies. When I was around the 6th month mark, I was going bonkers with grieving, doing a lot of screaming and crying. I truly did not know what to do with myself. The permanence of my so called reality was hitting hard at that time.  It is by no means easy now either. The pain is still there, but, more like a dull ache. The sadness is a constant cloud surrounding me.

I have been avoiding the stores and the music myself. I don't even turn on the radio when driving. Thank goodness for online shopping. I have picked out a few things for the kids and my granddaughter, via the internet. I have to grit my teeth and handle Christmas in some way for them. Without the few people I do still have left and my pets, I don't know where I would be.

I don’t know what to do with myself. That’s for sure. There used to never be enough time in the day to do all the things we wanted and needed to do. Now I can’t fill the days. I try to go to bed as early as possible so I can lose myself to blessed sleep.

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Today is 39 days since I lost Clive. 39 days. Every morningI wake up and cry because I didn't die in the night.  I get up, shower, get dressed and go to work where I smile and say "Yes. I'm fine thanks. Every day gets a bit easier. Yes, I'm eating and sleeping okay.  I'll be fine eventually.  Thanks for asking." Then I go home, fall through the door, scream, cry, bang my head against walls and research the most reliable ways of suiciding so I can get out of this hell. 

I know I have to stay alive until Clive's cat, Chloe, passes because I promised him I'd look after her and give her the best little life I can.  But once she goes then I'll be free and can put myself out of my misery.  So I'm researching, making notes and, basically,  counting the days until I'm free to follow him.  Staying alive without Clive is intolerable to me.  All i want is an end to this constant agony.  I have no children and nothing to live for once my promise to care for Chloe is discharged so I'm free to choose my own fate.  I can't face another 25 years or so without Clive so I choose silence.

 

I know this is uncomfortable reading for some people but, for me, it's very comforting; to know that when and how is my choice and that I don't have to live an unending, intolerable life without my beautiful Clive.  

 

 

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2 hours ago, Skywise said:

Today is 39 days since I lost Clive. 39 days. Every morningI wake up and cry because I didn't die in the night.  I get up, shower, get dressed and go to work where I smile and say "Yes. I'm fine thanks. Every day gets a bit easier. Yes, I'm eating and sleeping okay.  I'll be fine eventually.  Thanks for asking." Then I go home, fall through the door, scream, cry, bang my head against walls and research the most reliable ways of suiciding so I can get out of this hell. 

I know I have to stay alive until Clive's cat, Chloe, passes because I promised him I'd look after her and give her the best little life I can.  But once she goes then I'll be free and can put myself out of my misery.  So I'm researching, making notes and, basically,  counting the days until I'm free to follow him.  Staying alive without Clive is intolerable to me.  All i want is an end to this constant agony.  I have no children and nothing to live for once my promise to care for Chloe is discharged so I'm free to choose my own fate.  I can't face another 25 years or so without Clive so I choose silence.

 

I know this is uncomfortable reading for some people but, for me, it's very comforting; to know that when and how is my choice and that I don't have to live an unending, intolerable life without my beautiful Clive.  

 

 

I know exactly what you mean. I’ve done the same thing as far as research. There’s even a site that gives a pain score for each method and describes what will actually happen. I cannot see another way. I can get through a day, barely. But years? I can’t see it

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4 hours ago, Skywise said:

I know this is uncomfortable reading for some people but, for me, it's very comforting; to know that when and how is my choice and that I don't have to live an unending, intolerable life without my beautiful Clive.  

Skywise -- there is absolutely nothing uncomfortable about reading your post.  Many of us here, including me, feel the same way that you do.  When our spouse/partner died, a large piece of us died with them.  It's very common to feel that purposeless, with life at a complete standstill while others continue their days as if nothing has ever happened.   Let's not forget about the pain, the sorrow, the agony.  The intense emotions and feelings that drops us down to our knees.    The grief is unrelenting and the pain is intense.   There is no way out of this.

You are not alone.  What you are feeling, and how you are expressing yourself, is absolutely normal.

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Skywise,

There is nothing in your post that we haven't felt or thought about.  I do ask that you try to not look at "the rest of your life" looming before you, it's too much, just do TODAY.  Then get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  I know that doesn't sound like an existence worth living, but what it does is enable to you make it until you've had time to process his death, do your grief work, and yes, it takes work, much work, and find some meaning and purpose in your life again.  That can take years but is worth the effort.  Yes, life as it is today for you doesn't seem worthwhile, but it won't always stay like that.  The intensity of the pain does lessen with time and in time you will find things to smile about.  How long?  That's different for everyone.  It took me a good three years just to PROCESS his death!  It took me many more years to build a life I could live...not comparable to the life "before", but doable, and to find purpose.  I encourage you to find a good grief counselor...note, not all counselors and therapists are the same, it takes one trained in grief.

These are the things I've learned in my 12 year journey and I hope even one of these things is of help to you.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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On 12/6/2017 at 11:24 PM, Djh0901kc said:

I don’t know what to do with myself. That’s for sure. There used to never be enough time in the day to do all the things we wanted and needed to do. Now I can’t fill the days. I try to go to bed as early as possible so I can lose myself to blessed sleep.

So true, weekends are so long now. Earlier i was so busy and got free time around 4pm evening from all work and now i am free all day nothing is there where i can spend my time. I am so scared from weekend, i wish i can go office on weekends too.

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11 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

So true, weekends are so long now. Earlier i was so busy and got free time around 4pm evening from all work and now i am free all day nothing is there where i can spend my time. I am so scared from weekend, i wish i can go office on weekends too.

Yesterday, someone said to me "I'm glad it's Friday!"    It's just another case where 99.9% of the people out there have absolutely no idea what we go through day in and day out.  Makes me feel so miserable.

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I know.  I was in bed by 8:30 last night, then my sister called and woke me up.  Our sleeping is affected, nights we can't sleep, nights we need to.  Weekends used to be a thing we looked forward to because we shared in them together.  That was OUR time.

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Weekends are the worst.  I used to resent every minute that I had to be in work and away from Clive.  I never did overtime because, although there were times the extra money would have come in handy, our time together was too precious to give up.  On Thursday I signed up for all the weekend working I was allowed to.  I don't actually need the money at the moment (and i do know exactly how lucky I am to be able to say that!)  but working the overtime will mean less time to sit and grieve alone.  At least in work I'll be useful for something - at home I'm just fading away inch by useless inch.

Clive died 42 days ago today.  He's been gone 42 days and 37 minutes.

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Weekend for me too. My son has a show choir performance tonight. She loved going to these. It’s so hard to go without Lauri. Times like these bring the pain out more than usual. I hate it. 

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18 hours ago, Azipod said:

Yesterday, someone said to me "I'm glad it's Friday!"    It's just another case where 99.9% of the people out there have absolutely no idea what we go through day in and day out.  Makes me feel so miserable.

On Friday my colleague was saying lets chill today, its Friday and i was thinking wow its same Friday, before this I used to wait so desperately but now Friday is no more same or Friday is same but we are no more same. 

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So true.  For me every day is the same no matter what I have planned or what there is to do in it.

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4 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

On Friday my colleague was saying lets chill today, its Friday and i was thinking wow its same Friday, before this I used to wait so desperately but now Friday is no more same or Friday is same but we are no more same. 

The dreaded "Fridays" and other unwanted experiences are now a part of our "new life."  The reality is tough to swallow.   It's sour, bitter, and just doesn't feel good.   There's not much to say other than that I'm being a "zombie" and just going through the motions each day.   It is really tiring and sad.

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19 hours ago, Skywise said:

Weekends are the worst.  I used to resent every minute that I had to be in work and away from Clive.  I never did overtime because, although there were times the extra money would have come in handy, our time together was too precious to give up.  On Thursday I signed up for all the weekend working I was allowed to.  I don't actually need the money at the moment (and i do know exactly how lucky I am to be able to say that!)  but working the overtime will mean less time to sit and grieve alone.  At least in work I'll be useful for something - at home I'm just fading away inch by useless inch.

Clive died 42 days ago today.  He's been gone 42 days and 37 minutes.

One of the things that was really helpful for me in the early periods of my stage was returning back to work.   Going back to work gave me responsibility, structure, and kept me away from our home... a place that was difficult for me to be in during the very early days.   In fact, I had a hard time leaving work each day .... knowing that I would be returning to an empty house.  In the earlier days, that was one of the biggest challenges (among others) each day.

We don't do overtime at my work.  But if we did, I'd sign up in a heartbeat and just keep working.   I have nothing to do during the weekends and life feels so empty.   It would be great if I can take up some of that time by working.   I'm glad you have that option.     I know things are still new for you.   In time, you may be able to lessen some of the work and give yourself back some of the time and rest you deserve.

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20 hours ago, KayC said:

I know.  I was in bed by 8:30 last night, then my sister called and woke me up.  Our sleeping is affected, nights we can't sleep, nights we need to.  Weekends used to be a thing we looked forward to because we shared in them together.  That was OUR time.

I use to sleep at 11 pm each night.   Lately, I've been starting to hop into bed at around 9:30 - 10:00 pm.... and it's getting a bit earlier each week.   This week, I'm feeling the itch to move my bed time up to 9:00 am.   I just don't have any reason to stay up longer.   Going to bed/sleep (which surprisingly I can do without any problems), takes me away from my daily misery.

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