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Djh0901kc

Don't know what to say

31 posts in this topic

My wife and best friend passed away suddenly 3 weeks ago. It was the day before her 35th birthday. This September we would have been together for 16 years and married for 11. I've been reading everything about grief that I can find and was hoping that posting may help me in some way. I can't stop thinking that maybe something will happen and she will come back to me. I know how stupid that is but I just can't accept that she's gone. We were everything to each other. We chose not to have children because we wanted to always be able to put one another first and enjoy our life together. Now that life is gone. I wouldn't have thought it was possible to think about something every second of every day but I think about her every second I'm awake and dream about her in sleep. Then when I wake up it's a cruel joke that she's not here. I can't be around any family or friends. It makes me even more miserable. I feel like half a person just waiting to die. I had to shut off my phone and Facebook because I couldn't stand one more message that it's going to take time. Nothing is ever going to make this better. One day she was here and we were together and the next she was gone. I know soul mates is considered a cheesy term but it's what we were. Not a perfect marriage or anything but two people who truly loved each other and were best friends spending our lives together. Everything I did I did for her and now that she's gone everything seems so meaningless. Other people have things to live for. My reason for living is gone. It's like she and I spoke our own language and now that she's gone I'm the only person in the world who speaks it. I feel like I just can't do this without my baby

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I should add that I don't think I believe in God. I would never claim to know for sure I just think it's unlikely. She did believe. Now I just want God to be real so badly so I may see her again someday. I just want her back so badly.

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I'm so sorry you are going through this.  It is so unbelievable difficult to accept that they are gone. We just have to take everything one day at a time and sometimes even just one hour or minute at a time if needed.   I just picked up my husbands ashes 2 days ago even though I could have for awhile because even though I knew he was gone there was just something so final about having the ashes and seeing them with my own eyes.  It was our anniversary the day I picked them up and I just felt like that was the right time for me.  

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Djh0901kc, I am deeply sorry for your tragic loss. You are among compassionate people on this forum. It is a safe place for expressing your feelings. It is hard when I see new members here, knowing the pain they are going through.Your wife was so young yet and I know how devastated you feel. My husband passed of sudden cardiac arrest. One minute here, the next, gone. I was in shock, disbelief, for a very long time. My consolation was that he didn't suffer. But, I sure am suffering without him in this unwanted new life.

It doesn't matter if you believe in God or not. All you have to have faith in is that we do go on to another life from this one. When it is your turn to transition to that other life, you and your wife will be reunited.

Take care of yourself. One minute, one hour, one day at a time. We are here for you.

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I haven't been posting but it's going on 9 months for me since my husband passed. Nothing anyone says can make it easier. I've missed him and cry for him more than ever but the best thing is to keep yourself busy. 

I do believe that I will be reunited with my husband when it's my time to cross over. Your wife is still going to be with you for a while. When my husband recently passed I felt his presence a lot. Especially, when I was losing my mind. Nowadays, I still feel him just not as often since. 

 

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15 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

It's like she and I spoke our own language and now that she's gone I'm the only person in the world who speaks it.

That really really hits home for me. I couldn't have expressed it better myself. I feel like a stranger in a strange new land. 

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15 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I know how stupid that is but I just can't accept that she's gone. We were everything to each other. We chose not to have children because we wanted to always be able to put one another first and enjoy our life together. Now that life is gone. I wouldn't have thought it was possible to think about something every second of every day but I think about her every second I'm awake and dream about her in sleep. Then when I wake up it's a cruel joke that she's not here. I can't be around any family or friends. It makes me even more miserable. I feel like half a person just waiting to die. I had to shut off my phone and Facebook because I couldn't stand one more message that it's going to take time. Nothing is ever going to make this better. One day she was here and we were together and the next she was gone. I know soul mates is considered a cheesy term but it's what we were. Not a perfect marriage or anything but two people who truly loved each other and were best friends spending our lives together. Everything I did I did for her and now that she's gone everything seems so meaningless. Other people have things to live for. My reason for living is gone. It's like she and I spoke our own language and now that she's gone I'm the only person in the world who speaks it. I feel like I just can't do this without my baby

I am very sorry you are going through this. My wife was also young (33 years old) and she died the night we were leaving for our first vacation in over a year. Your entire message hit the spot for me right on target.  I have all the same issues you do with family/friends/facebook, etc.  Everyone else's life goes on but mine (ours) has ended.  Nothing is ever going to make this better.  As you say, we spoke our own language and now I am the only person on earth that speaks it.  Great comment.  Everyone else seems so alien to me.  My closest relatives and friends seem alien now.  I wish I had some good advice for you but this has been the cruelest joke by the universe yet.  I have said this on this forum many times.  It feels like a joke.  And when people say they communicate with god or her now that she's gone I get even angrier.  What kind of god gives no warning yet once she is gone would communicate with my family and friend that she is ok???  What about a heads up before she died that she was deadly ill yet nobody knew?  Cruel and unusual.   

The only thing that gets better for me are the physical symptoms.  I dont know what your anxiety is like but mine has gone down.  My depression though has never lifted.  This is the hardest thing ever in the world as you feel isolated like an alien on an distant planet.  After a lot of counseling and grief groups I have calmed down quite a bit and am able to focus on working and some conversation here and there.  But I still cant watch television or read books.  This is not a journey I ever dreamed I would be on.  I really thought my wife would out live me.  

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I am so sorry you lost your wife.  My daughter is 35, I can't imagine her dying.  Her and her husband have been together 17 years, she just lost their baby and then he left her.  It's hard for me to wrap my head around because she loves him so much and thought he loved her too.  People handle loss differently.

I've heard it said that energy doesn't die, it just changes form.  We are energy, so I don't think death of our body is all there is.  You say you don't believe but wish you did, just try to keep your mind open for possibilities, I think you'll find your answer.  I got hammered for this elsewhere, but I think it worth mentioning, you can take it for what it's worth, but faith is believing in what you can't see and sometimes we can't explain it...I go on faith, I think it's a choice.

That said, I am just so sorry you are going through this.  It's so unfair, all death seems to be.

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I would never tell anyone how or what to believe in. All I know is that for me, I don't think there is anything else after this. I haven't felt like my wife is with me at all since she passed. I feel completely and utterly alone. I would give anything, ANYTHING, to see some sign or something that she still exists somewhere and is waiting for me. 

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I feel terrible that I'm not keeping in contact with her family or my own but like someone said they feel alien to me now. Being around anyone just feels wrong because they aren't who I want and I can't bring myself to fake that I care about anything besides the fact that my wife and best friend is gone. I know that sounds deeply selfish and awful but it's true.

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Thank you to everyone by the way. This is my only outlet right now and I appreciate you guys. Strange that a group of strangers can help in a way family cannot

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45 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

I know that sounds deeply selfish and awful but it's true.

It is not awful or selfish at all! You have been hit with the tragic loss of your soulmate. The one person who meant the world to you is no longer physically at your side. Our grieving is very internalized and personal. The one person we need to bring us comfort and end the pain is the very one who is gone.

I'm glad you find this forum as a safe place to express your feelings. The only ones who truly understand, have the ability to listen and empathize are those who have experienced the same type of loss.I don't have much of a support system myself and this forum has become my life line.  Prayers of comfort to you.

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59 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

I feel terrible that I'm not keeping in contact with her family or my own but like someone said they feel alien to me now. Being around anyone just feels wrong because they aren't who I want and I can't bring myself to fake that I care about anything besides the fact that my wife and best friend is gone. I know that sounds deeply selfish and awful but it's true.

Not selfish at all. You have to do what's right for you and one day you may re-connect with them but it has to be in YOUR time-frame and nobody else. 

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This is the hardest thing we can go through, let your heart guide you.  

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20 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I would never tell anyone how or what to believe in. All I know is that for me, I don't think there is anything else after this. I haven't felt like my wife is with me at all since she passed. I feel completely and utterly alone. I would give anything, ANYTHING, to see some sign or something that she still exists somewhere and is waiting for me. 

I would not tell someone how or what to believe either.  I didn't think keeping one's mind open to finding your answer was "telling you how/what to believe".  I'm sorry you felt differently.

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I didn't mean that at all. I just didn't want anyone to take offense when I said I didn't believe

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Hi Djh0901kc

I feel you bro, I lost mine during our honeymoon last March. everyday is a struggle and at times my day is bluer than blue but bro one thing is for sure in the afterlife I will find her and join her for all eternity no one knows when but I feel it. Keep strong! 

Shout out to all of the members here! Thank you so much for helping us.  

 

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Djh0901kc,

I'm glad, I thought I don't have a very good track record this week.  No one here will take offense for how anyone believes or doesn't.  We all have this common bond, we feel what the others are going through.  This is the place for comfort and encouragement, and hopefully some healing along the way.

You guys are so new to your loss, I remember what that feels like, you never forget, not at all, it's the hardest thing I've ever been through.  The shock, the pain, anxiety, everything.

yuyu,

Good to see you here, I haven't seen you on here for a while, maybe I missed it.  I've wondered about you.

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I just want it to be over. I would give anything to not wake up tomorrow

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Djh0901kc,

I know.  That's how I felt too, the pain was too great.  Eventually we adjust as much as we can, we learn to cope, but the missing them never goes away.  I do want to assure you, however, that the intensity we have in the beginning lessens, the grief evolves, it doesn't stay the same, no one could handle it if it did.  It is such a shock to our system, it's hard to live through the loss, and the irony is we wish we didn't have to.

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14 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I would give anything to not wake up tomorrow

I felt that way for several months. Our minds go to those dark places and thoughts when our pain is at its most intense. it takes time and patience for our minds to process and adapt to this traumatic loss. My mind still goes to the dark place once in awhile. Usually when I am hit with a major decision or feel overwhelmed with other things of life that pop up. Like KayC says, we wish we didn't have to live through loss, but this life doesn't give us a choice.   (HUGS)

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I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are experiencing.  From your post, you can sense the loved your shared for one another - that in itself is so beautiful.  Life is so strange and ours will be forever changed.  For the better, perhaps; but not for me.  My Charles and I were together for 47 years and married for almost 45. The love I had and still have for that man is undescribable. I think about our wedding vows and what we promised one another, *To Love and to Honor* and the *For better or for Worst* part.  I loved and lived my "Better* life with my Charles, unfortunately now I living my *Worst* without him.  Like you, our marriage was not perfect and it didn't always come easy.  We faced challenges, overcame obstacles, but we held on to one another and never let go; we LOVED each other, a short word, easy to spell, difficult to define, but impossible to live without.  And that's how my life feels now, impossible to live without him.  But live without him I must and It is so difficult to do.  But remembering what we had  -  every hour, every minute and every second was worth it because we had each other. No one and nothing can take that away from me.   Sometimes all I can do is lie in bed and hope to fall asleep before I fall apart;  but I will make it through another day and another and another.  Not so much a *better* person, a different one.  I'm going to move forward because that's all I can do;  I'll breathe in, breathe out and move on.  Where to?  I have no clue but I have no choice - life demands you to move on.  One of the hardest things, no - it is the hardest thing I've ever done, but with faith in God, prayer, and this forum, I'll get through it; we all will.

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Francine, Ditto on your whole post. I still don't know how others deal with pain of loss day after day. It has gotten quite old, exhausting, for me and I wonder how I am to make it through another day, a week, a month. When I think about the possible years, my head and my stomach hurt at that thought.  There should be a rule for soulmate loss. Be able to go together or in a very, very short time of one another. This unwanted separation of 2 halves of one heart and soul is horrendous.

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4 hours ago, Francine said:

but I will make it through another day and another and another.  Not so much a *better* person, a different one. 

All we can do is get through one day at a time the best we can. And that is exactly what we're doing. We should give ourselves credit for surviving this. And yes, we are all different since losing the love of our life. We will never be the same person we were before. But....I do hope to be a better person someday. I got so much from loving Pat. I can only hope that having had him in my life did make me a better person and once I survive this and "recover" I hope to be an even better person. For myself and for Pat. 

Francine, I know we didn't know you before but I'm guessing you're turning into an even better person too!

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3 hours ago, KMB said:

There should be a rule for soulmate loss. Be able to go together or in a very, very short time of one another. This unwanted separation of 2 halves of one heart and soul is horrendous.

So true.  I'm trying to make it through this first year - I can't even fathom 5 or 10 years down the road without him.  I don't think I have a heart anymore (I'm like the Tin-man in the Wizard of Oz)  When Charles left this world, my world froze in time, broken and shattered into a million pieces and while I didn't want to accept it, I knew it was real; he took my heart with him.  When I think of him never coming home again, I sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind but then I remember, it's only temporary.  I realize it doesn't mean the end of my connection with him is over, he is still very much with me; just in a different form, energy, spirit.  Love is never ending and the love Charles and I shared is always and forever. 

On a different note,  love your profile picture of you and Ed; you guys looked happy!

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