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More

So so angry

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My grandmother died in January of this year.  She was the best woman I knew.  My older sister lived with her for the last 12 years, along with her 3 kids and their father.  I knew a lot of what went on in the house over the 12 years (some good, some bad).  During the 5 months since Gram has passed, I have found out some more.  I am so so angry at my sister for the grief she put my grandma through.  I am beyond pissed and cannot stand to think of her with any thoughts that are nice.  My grandmother opened her home to her and her family and while there was some good that happened, I can't help but think of the bad and how that affected my grandma.  I am angry at my grandmother for helping to enable my sister over the last 12 years.  I am angry at myself for being upset with her.  I am pissed at my parents for also providing the enabling...even now after my grandmother's death.  My sister is still in her house, not paying a damn dime and is acting like everything is fine.  And then when I express myself to my family all I get is, "your sister is going through a tough time, your sister is the one who lived with her, you should be nice to your sister, spend time with her."  I want to scream, yell, hurt something.  I do NOT want to spend time with her, show her compassion.  She is selfish, I want to tell her this.  I want her to know that she is not a good person, that she hurt grandma and does not deserve to still be in that house.  I want to see her hurt.  Even as I type this, I know it is wrong on some level but damnit, she has done enough.

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Dear More,

I am so sorry. I know the pain and sorrow you feel is deep. It is only normal to have anger about what happened. Take the time to express yourself here. Let the thoughts and feelings out.

Families are not easy. We all have such different perspectives. I hear where you are coming from and I'm sorry your family's behaviours have disappointed you. It is hurtful. Please know you are not alone.

We all want the love and support of our families. And we want them understand us, but sometimes they just don't know how to give us what we want.

I know its easier said than done, but try to surround yourself with others who do understand.

Thinking of you. Take care and please know we are here with you.

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Thank you for your reply Reader.  I have spent that past few days moving away from my family.  I have focused more on my immediate surroundings and have felt a little better.  I don't like feeling angry and bitter so for now I am just avoiding.  I know I will have to deal with it eventually.  Just not now.

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Dear More,

I am sorry for what you are going through.  Family dynamics can be so painful and I speak from my own experience with my sister after loosing my mother a few months ago.  You didn't say what happened though?  Your sister lived with your grandmother for 12 yrs.  Did something specific happen that you found out about?

Distance helps a bit I think so you can process it all.

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My sister has been selfish while living with her.  Doing what she wanted when she wanted, fighting with her significant other so that others in the house could hear, and a few other things as well.  I learned most of this after Gram passed. 

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Dear More:

How are you doing? I too also have feelings of anger with my siblings after my dad's passing. It is a struggle.

Take care and please let us know how you are doing.

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13 hours ago, reader said:

Dear More:

How are you doing? I too also have feelings of anger with my siblings after my dad's passing. It is a struggle.

Take care and please let us know how you are doing.

How did you control yourself?

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I have not been back to this thread in a while, my apologies.  I am doing alright, thank you reader.  I am coping with my emotions better.  I am still fairly distant from my family though I have come to realize that I need to come to terms with my emotions.  I plan on letting my family know how I feel and then moving on from it.  It is in the past, I cannot do anything to change other people, I can only change myself. 

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Dear More,

Thank you writing back. Glad you are doing better. I think you are right. We must focus on the present because the past cannot be changed.

Take care of yourself.

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Dear  So Angry - I understand. After I got very sick, after my 4th episode of cancer, my son forced me to come live with him. He really only wanted my money, he didn't care about me. Over the next 11 years, under the guise of taking care of me, he stole all my money, made me his prisoner and nearly killed me with his abuse. My daughter in law looked the other way, as did my 2 granddaughters. They were afraid of him and his abuse. He's my son and I've tried so hard to love him and to teach him how to be a decent human being but, on his 38th birthday, I resigned that position and moved 3 hrs away. Now, it's been almost a year and my health has gotten much worse. I'm probably going to die soon from malignant melanoma, alone. I'm dirt poor and live in a place they call the "Green Ghetto". I can't even afford a car - he trashed mine and never replaced it. Often I hope if Hell exists that he go there when he dies. I had to leave my hometown and I can't see my youngest granddaughter because of this. They don't even have buses here. Last winter was cold, lonely and hard. Everyone who knows my son know he is abusive and aggressive and most are afraid of him. But, none of them knew how bad it really was. How do you tell people your own son is abusing you? It's not easy. Eventually, I did it but, it remains a "family secret" among my brother and sisters, as far as I know. My family has a history of denial about our abusive male members. I've never understood it and cannot agree but, they've always ignored me. I am not like them and if nothing else - I'm glad about that. I do know if my son finds out I may be terminal now - he'll pretend to care but, I'm not falling for it. Like his father, who was also abusive - Karma will serve him what he deserves. I did my best as his mother, I went far beyond what most would have done so, I feel no guilt. There is one thing I do do and that is if I ever see or suspect anyone abusing a woman or child - I always intervene. I call 911, I'll get in between and I'd risk everything if need be. I do not deny or look away. I do for others what should have been done for me. If I had the time or energy or resources, I'd work as a volunteer for abused women. But, think of me as Batman - always roaming the streets to help, when needed. That maybe the best I (we) can do. For now. Karma will work; I've seen it. What goes around will come around to them (the abusers) and it will bite them in the ass! My son is a narcissistic sociopath and will never be anything different. We can't change people like that, only stop them or control the damage. After that - he's God's problem. 

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