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km09

Loss of brother

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Hi,

I'm new to this forum but recently have been struggling with the grief of losing my younger brother and trying anything that might help.

My brother was 18 when he died and it was very sudden and he died in a coma after an accident. It was a case of blinking and he was gone.

I was very close with my brother and miss him every day. This happened just over 7 months ago and it is still a huge shock to my family. 

i feel very alone with my grief and try and put on a happy face in front of friends and my partner. I feel that I can't go to family as they are all grieving and my parents are so filled with grief there is no room for me. My partner and friends can't relate and the rest of the would goes on as normal. 

There have been times I've been happy since then however at the end of the day I'll come home and there is always the reminder that life is not the same and it feels like life will always feel like genuine happiness has past. 

I feel I keep my emotions to myself and even deny that this has happened at times and have woken up throughout the night feeling like it's a dream.

I might hoping this forum can help even in a small way. 

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I know how you feel. My brother passed away suddenly 8 months ago. It's become more realistic for me as my brother was 33 and I was 36 when he passed, so we didn't see each other often. 

 

  I understand how it feels to have a partner who definitely is always there for me but of course can't fully comprehend. Friends are the same. I wish I could say it gets better, but it hasn't for my yet. 

 

  

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I am so deeply sorry for you both. I lost my oldest sister in September to cancer, but it killed her very quickly. My family is struggling with losing her, as she was a shining light to the whole world! I love and miss her so much - that is why I found this site. I know I need help. Thank you for listening! May God bless you all!

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km09- Coming on to this forum as a way to express your grief can help with the process. Allow yourself to grieve. It can mean something different for each person. Take one day at a time, talk to your family about your grief and their grief.  I find it helpful to talk to God in prayer about my grief asking for His help and comfort. He gives me peace that can comfort my thoughts and emotions.

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Thank you to everyone for your kind words. I feel that expressing my grief in such a way may help as I am a very private person and would not usually express this to those around me. I feel like sibling loss is not talked about very often and I find people often ask how my mum and dad are doing with the loss but they do not realise my loss is different but also very similar.

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Km09 I am so sorry for your loss! I lost my oldest sister. I also pray and ask God for help.  You are right; it is difficult for others to understand this kind of loss until they experience it themselves.  I also came to this forum for shared understanding.  I just prayed for everyone on here.

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Hi all,

I have not used this forum since opening this post as I have been dealing with the grief and trying to process it. 

I sometimes feel sharing can help but also feel sometimes dealing with it myself helps to. 

As the months go on I still feel in shock about this loss although I am feeling like I am now being a bit kinder to myself. Such a loss has made me look at life differently and I can feel my priorities have changed.

Around the same time as my brothers death I started a new job and I feel like I went into it too quickly and only took it as a distraction. I feel it served a purpose at that time in my life however now I am feeling like it really does not suit me and the hours are starting to make me ill. (I do nightshifts on rotation.) 

i feel I have not been kind to myself but forcing this job however at the time I was out of work after being made suddenly redundant just before my brothers death. 

Does anyone else look at those first few months after loss and realise that your decision making was almost like a different person made those decisions? 

 

 

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Hi there,

I myself am going through the loss of my brother. I know how tough it is and it just seems that the pain will never lesson and that nothing will ever truly be the same again. I find myself much different than I used to be and almost guilty feeling to be genuinely happy. I have some ok days and some very rough days. I feel that it will take a very long time to truly accept this to be true. These are our siblings,who we grew up with, we are connected within our souls. I do find comfort in speaking with others who can relate to the emptiness and pain that takes over with such a close loss. Hang in there! I'm here if you need to chat:(

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Dear km09,dnat

I am extremely sorry for your loss. May you find peace soon.

I too lost my 39 yr old brother on 28 Jan who happened to be my identical twin. I am so devastated that I can't put it in words.

Reason for his death is still not certain. He was perfectly healthy..used to gym 5 days a week..no previous health condition..used to drink socially and smoke a bit.

He was playing cricket on the field and suddenly complained of breathlessness. He came out to rest for a while and suddenly collapsed holding his chest. The other players put him in a car and took him to the hospital only 12 min away. But the doctors couldn't revive him.

I was so close to him and being twins we spent the maximum time in last 39 yrs with each other. I didn't have to speak to him to know how he felt anytime.i just had that connection with him. I just can't accept that he's gone.

I'm in a mess right now..don't know if I even want to come out of it.

I see his car, his kids ,his other stuff everyday and I can't take it. I loved him so much.

May God give him peace and please keep him in your prayers.

Hope you guys soon find a.way to cope with your loss

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Wow, I am so very sorry! I can't imagine, that is so shocking and your twin :( I know that there are really not any words, I think it's just knowing other people care and can understand your measure of pain that brings us some comfort. I am still dealing with these feelings very often and it's been almost 2 1/2 years. They are a part of us,  I do believe that it just comes in time, which is a different time table for everybody. I'm here if you ever want to talk, and again I am so sorry. God Bless You and your Brother.

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Dnat thanks a lot for your message. I guess it does help to know you're not alone. Right now I just keep getting these bouts where I cry and then it's nothing as if everything is ok. Then after couple of hours reality dawns on me and I start crying again. I can't break this cycle. Lot of people think it's crazy for a 39 yr old man to behave like that but I don't care. I just keep reliving that day and change scenarios in my mind just so he could be alive. 

What can I do to cope with this?? I'm not very religious so I never believed in afterlife. Is that the only way to find peace??

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Hello again,

The first thing I will say is that it does not matter your age or your gender. You have a heart and you are a human being who has lost somebody extremely dear and special to you. You are going to feel all kinds of emotions, that even you yourself will not understand and find weird or unusual. but I will tell you, they are normal and there is nothing wrong with it, you're ok! Do whatever it is that  you need to, cry, scream... whatever! That was your twin and you have an unbreakable bond.To answer your question, it takes time and I find that is the only truth regardless of what your beliefs are. My Brother passed almost 2 1/2 years ago and I still struggle. Some days are worse than others... I think what is helpful is doing things like this... connecting with others who can somewhat  understand your pain. Therapy may be a good thing to do as well or group sessions if you're not already doing that. But time is honestly the only 1 thing I personally feel that lessons the pain a bit. It will always be hard for us, but day by day... I'm here if you need to talk... try to think of some of the good times and smile sometimes, he will ALWAYS be with you!

D

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Hello Dnat,

Thanks a lot for listening to me and taking out time to reply. I really appreciate it. It is extremely courageous and benevolent on your part to do this having suffered a loss yourself. I am sure your brother has found peace and you deserve to find yours too.

As for me people tell me there are no answers to these things and it's God's plan. But I ask why him? Why my brother? What wrong did he do? He never hurt anyone.he was a great family man and a doting father of 2 little girls. 

He was completely fine playing on the field and running around one minute and gone suddenly the next. How do you reconcile with that?

We've had such good time together..we went to the same class at school,fooled all the teachers as we looked identical, heck I even fooled around with his girlfriends at school since even they got confused at times. Went to the same undergrad and grad school. Shared a room in the hostel. Were practically inseparable.

I  feel so guilty for being alive when he's not. I can't live with the feeling that I will get to enjoy life , see my kids grow up, and settle down while he won't have any of that???

I am really struggling to stay focused here..my mind drifts and I get foolish thoughts..I feel guilty for smiling or laughing at a joke. 

Did you also feel like this? Can you truly feel happiness ever after such a thing??? Did you find any answers?? Attaching pic of my brother (right) and me.

IMG_20180201_113243.jpg

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Hello again,

Wow, you guys do look so much alike! And you are most welcome for the response, I know how it feels to feel lost, and alone. Although we really are not alone and people around (family/friends) do care... it seems different when we talk with somebody objective. The answers to what your feeling is that it is completely normal! I had all the same feelings/thoughts... I still feel guilty today to be happy, and it's almost 2 1/2 years later. You will come around, in time. It takes a lot of time, and tears. It is a damn emotional roller coaster. The real answer is that we will always be voided somewhat, but I'll tell you my trick,lol,  not trick.. but what gives me some comfort and peace... LIVE FOR HIM!!! I think if I do this or that, I am doing it for him (my brother). It really helps me... try to have that outlook, he would want you so much to be ok and live your life. Really we don't have much choice :( 

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Hey Dnat,

Thanks I really like the idea of Living for him and I will always picture him next to me. I don't know if I can follow it though. Today I have to take some of my firm's clients for drinks and dinner and I'm not sure if I'm ready for it. I have no choice though.

It's so cruel that life moves on no matter what. It doesn't stop for anyone. I go out and it's business as usual for everyone around me. But not for me. I have even started feeling jealous when I see old folks as I feel my brother was too young to leave us. 

I do get comfort from the fact that he lived well, was immensely successful in his work and enjoyed his life to the fullest. Of course he too had set backs like all of us have but he was rock solid someone I used to lean on.

I'd love to know more about you and your brother if that's ok. Life with him, his family, etc

Take care 

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Hey there,

I so get where you are coming from on everything you say. You will feel that way for a long time in the way of it not being fair and jealousy or envy for those who are still here, it's all natural... completely natural! I have gotten some extreme anxiety out of all of this, just horrible. As far as my Brother, he was one of a kind. He was just so kind and loving.. a gym rat, loved to work out. He was also a very hard worker, he was always working. My Brother has 2 children that he left behind, my 20 year old niece and my 18 year old nephew. My niece actually just had a baby 7 months ago, and I gotta tell you.... she is our joy!!!! I do believe God does work in mysterious ways, 1 door closes and another opens. My Brother actually got married in the hospital 2 days before he passed :( that REALLY upsets me, that thought! Well, hope you're hanging in there today and all goes well with your company meeting!

 

 

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Hey ,

Congratulations on the lovely and adorable addition to your family. God bless the little one.

Nice to know more about your brother..gym rat, hard worker, caring and kind. Sounds a lot like my bro. It's even more painful when good caring honest people are taken so soon. I am so sorry to hear about your anxiety issues. I hope it's something temporary and that you'll soon get past it. Are you seeing some or taking medication for it?

My meeting..it was more like a binge drinking session for the clients..but it was ok..I was able to excuse myself a bit early.

If I may ask what was the reason for your brother to tie the knot in the hospital? And how is his wife doing now? His kids stay with her?

What do you do? I mean professionally? How do you train your mind to think positively?

Sorry if I'm asking too many questions..

Take care

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Hello again,

Thank you regarding the new addition , yes... she brings us so much joy!! Glad you were able to get through your meeting:) my brother got married in the hospital because the woman he was with and himself were together and engaged for many years prior to him getting sick and she wanted so badly to be his wife before he passed... to carry his name and know she was his wife. She is not the mother of my niece and nephew... that was from a previous relationship that he has his children with. As for his wife, she thought she would never be able to go on, didn't even really want to be on this earth anymore without him but ended up unexpectedly  meeting somebody and is actually now due to have a baby soon. I feel very indifferent about that whole situation. As far as my anxiety, I've always been an anxious person but this has just magnified it significantly and I really don't like to take pills and all of that. I would actually rather try natural things like yoga, etc, I also enjoy working out. I am in Sales and work from home primarily, so that is good for me not having to always deal with talking to people face to face while dealing with everything or commuting to work every day. 

Hope you're doing ok today :) one more day, one more step.

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Hi,

I am holding up..thanks for asking..but I guess you already know what that means. Sometimes I get up at night and for a split second everything seems normal and then this sick feeling hits me so hard that I lie in bed unable to sleep or get up.

Work from home is definitely good specially in our situation. I am in sales too but I need to be out with my team and also have to travel outside my city quite often. Sometimes it helps cause it takes your mind off the situation for a while.

Thanks again for your concern and hope you are doing fine as well.

Take care

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