i cannot overcome the loss of my husband

[anysiaspivak]

Hello

I m 39 years and widowed .i loose my husband suddenly 11/12/2016.

i tried to be strong and despite people told me time ll heal.i feel i change.i stop smiling.i stop interacting with people.i m isolating myself and the only thing who keep me alive is my job and my travelings.

i was very happy with my Damian. we were married 14 years and having fusional relation.he was my world.

i feel falling in depression.this life is meanless without him.

i want to know how some wives overcome the loss of the loved one.

thanks for ur replies

Anysia

 

 

[Lulu]

I'm so sorry for your loss but I understand how you feel. All the pain and sadness feels like it is suffocating at times. I know this feeling well, unfortunately. I wish I could tell you how to overcome it but I too am right in the eye of the storm. All weekend, I've been in tears and feeling so lonely and lost. I keep hearing that in time things will get better, at least bearable. But for now, I can't see the end of the tunnel. Keep posting. I know when I get down, expressing myself here does provide some relief. This community has so much to offer in support, compassion and understanding. Stay strong. 

[KMB]

I fully understand your heartache, loneliness, sadness, depression- like feelings. I am deeply sorry for the loss of your soulmate.  I also lost my husband suddenly last August. Cardiac arrest. Nothing could be done. I was in shock for a long time. I am just recently starting to come around and be productive again. Don't worry about being strong. Strength is gained over the coming months, years, that we endure this new journey. You are hurting and people will understand if you cry. If they don't, they are not worth your energy, what little we have, as it is. I do not know if there is any true healing. I do know that the intensity of our grieving does lessen over time and we learn to adapt to living with our loss. That is why I don't believe in the words , overcoming loss. We don't. Our loss, we will carry in our hearts the rest of our life.

Of course you were happy with your Damian! You are soulmates! Your lives were wrapped up in each other. You were each other's everything. The love bond you share will always be there.

Grieving our loss does change us. We will never be quite the same person as we were. We can't be, because the other half of us is not there. So, over time, we become different. Loss teaches us to be more compassionate, loving, giving, patient and tolerant.

Have you sought out grief support groups or counseling? Grief support groups are helpful in being with other people who are also grieving. It provides social interaction. Groups also prevent you from totally isolating yourself. If we isolate too much, it is harmful to our state of mind. If you feel like you are staying in a depressive like state for too long, please go see your doctor or a grief therapist. Someone who can recommend medication for anti-depression or sleep aids if you need them.

I fully empathize with your pain and how life seems meaningless and pointless. Your Damian would want for you to continue living life for yourself and for him. That is the best way to honor your soulmate love.

Prayers of comfort and peace. You have come to a safe place where we all know and get what you are enduring.  (HUGS)

[Francine]

On 5/28/2017 at 7:36 PM, anysiaspivak said:

Hello

I m 39 years and widowed .i loose my husband suddenly 11/12/2016.

i tried to be strong and despite people told me time ll heal.i feel i change.i stop smiling.i stop interacting with people.i m isolating myself and the only thing who keep me alive is my job and my travelings.

i was very happy with my Damian. we were married 14 years and having fusional relation.he was my world.

i feel falling in depression.this life is meanless without him.

i want to know how some wives overcome the loss of the loved one.

thanks for ur replies

Anysia

I'm so sorry for your loss and know your pain too well.   Right before answering your post, I was having somewhat of a meltdown and went to the computer and saw your post and decided to respond.  It is helping me hold back the tsunami that was about to descend on me.  My Charles and I were married for nearly 45 wonderful years and to say I miss him, is an understatement.  I have been where you are so I know the pain you're in.   After my Charles left this world, there was nothing left for me, and if I'm honest with myself, there is nothing left for me.  Oh, I don't live like I used to - now I merely exist.  I don't have any motivation to do anything anymore.  I don't look forward to anything anymore; it's as if I'm wasting my energy on all the pointless day-to-day functions.  I feel like I want to disappear from everything and everybody; I want to run away in my mind and find my heart - because that's where my Charles is.  And I don't want to be found until I'm ready to be found.

You don't overcome the loss - as hard as it is, you learn to live and deal with it.  Living with the lost of your Damian  isn't easy to cope; you can't explain exactly how you feel but you know that the pain is unbearable and so real. As hard as you try, you can't dismiss it.   The daily struggles, the heartbreak, the emotional drainage - it seems like your strength is slowly dying inside of you.  It's like living in limbo, trying to live with some courage is actually hard for anyone.

Grief is about more than your feelings; it will show up in how you think.  You may disbelieve the person actually died (I have - I still can't or don't want to believe it)  These episodes  may continue long after the person has died.  Your mind may be confused; your thinking muffled and you may find it difficult to concentrate on just about everything. Or you may be able to focus your attention but all you can focused on the person that died or your life together before they died.

I'm a stronger believer in God and prayer and without the both, I know I would not have made it thus far.  If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Surround yourself with people who understand and support your religious belief.  Find a support group of friends and family who will provide the understanding you need.  Continue to post.  We are always here to support, encourage and comfort you and each other as we travel this grief journey together.

 

[Eagle-96]

Anysia, I am so very sorry for your loss. I wish that none of us had to be here, but we are here. We are here to support you and to carry you when you don't think you can make it down this path on your own. As you probably have found, you will have feelings of sadness, sorrow, regret, second-guessing, despair, depression... When you feel overwhelmed please come here and post as it can be good therapy. I wish you peace and comfort as you navigate through your grief.

[KayC]

Anysia,

I am so sorry for your loss.  I don't think we do overcome the loss of them, but rather it changes us and it's an ongoing process.  You want to know how you get through this, I'd have given anything 12 years ago when it happened to me, to have had someone tell me how do you do this.  I want to share an article I wrote which is shared in Voices of Experience, in the hopes it gives you something to help you...
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[anysiaspivak]

On 06/06/2017 at 3:00 AM, Lulu said:

I'm so sorry for your loss but I understand how you feel. All the pain and sadness feels like it is suffocating at times. I know this feeling well, unfortunately. I wish I could tell you how to overcome it but I too am right in the eye of the storm. All weekend, I've been in tears and feeling so lonely and lost. I keep hearing that in time things will get better, at least bearable. But for now, I can't see the end of the tunnel. Keep posting. I know when I get down, expressing myself here does provide some relief. This community has so much to offer in support, compassion and understanding. Stay strong. 

thank you so much for ur reply and warm words.that's only when Damian passed away that i knew what mean the despair, the sorrow and how many times i wanted to join him.this life is oftenly unbearable.i totally understand when you say "i can't see the end of the tunnel".i m just existing and not living since i loose my soulmate.he was a great guy with a gold heart and what make me suffering that he was so young to die so early.

you can always write me whenever you need.

Anysia

[anysiaspivak]

On 06/06/2017 at 4:09 AM, KMB said:

I fully understand your heartache, loneliness, sadness, depression- like feelings. I am deeply sorry for the loss of your soulmate.  I also lost my husband suddenly last August. Cardiac arrest. Nothing could be done. I was in shock for a long time. I am just recently starting to come around and be productive again. Don't worry about being strong. Strength is gained over the coming months, years, that we endure this new journey. You are hurting and people will understand if you cry. If they don't, they are not worth your energy, what little we have, as it is. I do not know if there is any true healing. I do know that the intensity of our grieving does lessen over time and we learn to adapt to living with our loss. That is why I don't believe in the words , overcoming loss. We don't. Our loss, we will carry in our hearts the rest of our life.

Of course you were happy with your Damian! You are soulmates! Your lives were wrapped up in each other. You were each other's everything. The love bond you share will always be there.

Grieving our loss does change us. We will never be quite the same person as we were. We can't be, because the other half of us is not there. So, over time, we become different. Loss teaches us to be more compassionate, loving, giving, patient and tolerant.

Have you sought out grief support groups or counseling? Grief support groups are helpful in being with other people who are also grieving. It provides social interaction. Groups also prevent you from totally isolating yourself. If we isolate too much, it is harmful to our state of mind. If you feel like you are staying in a depressive like state for too long, please go see your doctor or a grief therapist. Someone who can recommend medication for anti-depression or sleep aids if you need them.

I fully empathize with your pain and how life seems meaningless and pointless. Your Damian would want for you to continue living life for yourself and for him. That is the best way to honor your soulmate love.

Prayers of comfort and peace. You have come to a safe place where we all know and get what you are enduring.  (HUGS)

Hello

thanks you so much from ur warm post.i read it many times with tears.

I was not ready to loose him.he was in good health and we were so happy and making so many plans for our trips.we used always to dream and putting youtube and watching all countries to visit in south America and we even start learning spanish.in December 2016 we travel in Mauritius for big holidays and to celebrate my birthday with a big party with many friends.he was so happy to celebrate it with me.after my birthday party we stay in our terrace of our suite room hotel and we drink rhum.we were laughing and he look at me and he say "i love you', 'i m having my best holidays" and he smiles to me and say "anysia i feel tired i ll go to sleep".indeed it was a busy day.he made jet sky in afternoon and we danced during my party.in the morning when i try to wake up him, he never does.i did not realize: i become in hysteria and the doctor came after 3 min telling me he died at 6 AM.I m still in shok.it was heart arrest and he was in good health.how to accept? he was so young.i m still looking my iphone to look if he call me like he always used to do.i found myself totally alone.i just came back from Africa from my recent trip and local people gave me so much love and for the first time i smile.

Anysia

[anysiaspivak]

On 06/06/2017 at 3:00 AM, Lulu said:

I'm so sorry for your loss but I understand how you feel. All the pain and sadness feels like it is suffocating at times. I know this feeling well, unfortunately. I wish I could tell you how to overcome it but I too am right in the eye of the storm. All weekend, I've been in tears and feeling so lonely and lost. I keep hearing that in time things will get better, at least bearable. But for now, I can't see the end of the tunnel. Keep posting. I know when I get down, expressing myself here does provide some relief. This community has so much to offer in support, compassion and understanding. Stay strong. 

thank you so much

i m so touched by answers i got and warm support.reading all post you wrote me make my heart feeling less lonely and giving me the feeling that there r still people who can understand what we r passing.

thank you so much

[anysiaspivak]

On 06/06/2017 at 4:21 AM, Francine said:

I'm so sorry for your loss and know your pain too well.   Right before answering your post, I was having somewhat of a meltdown and went to the computer and saw your post and decided to respond.  It is helping me hold back the tsunami that was about to descend on me.  My Charles and I were married for nearly 45 wonderful years and to say I miss him, is an understatement.  I have been where you are so I know the pain you're in.   After my Charles left this world, there was nothing left for me, and if I'm honest with myself, there is nothing left for me.  Oh, I don't live like I used to - now I merely exist.  I don't have any motivation to do anything anymore.  I don't look forward to anything anymore; it's as if I'm wasting my energy on all the pointless day-to-day functions.  I feel like I want to disappear from everything and everybody; I want to run away in my mind and find my heart - because that's where my Charles is.  And I don't want to be found until I'm ready to be found.

You don't overcome the loss - as hard as it is, you learn to live and deal with it.  Living with the lost of your Damian  isn't easy to cope; you can't explain exactly how you feel but you know that the pain is unbearable and so real. As hard as you try, you can't dismiss it.   The daily struggles, the heartbreak, the emotional drainage - it seems like your strength is slowly dying inside of you.  It's like living in limbo, trying to live with some courage is actually hard for anyone.

Grief is about more than your feelings; it will show up in how you think.  You may disbelieve the person actually died (I have - I still can't or don't want to believe it)  These episodes  may continue long after the person has died.  Your mind may be confused; your thinking muffled and you may find it difficult to concentrate on just about everything. Or you may be able to focus your attention but all you can focused on the person that died or your life together before they died.

I'm a stronger believer in God and prayer and without the both, I know I would not have made it thus far.  If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Surround yourself with people who understand and support your religious belief.  Find a support group of friends and family who will provide the understanding you need.  Continue to post.  We are always here to support, encourage and comfort you and each other as we travel this grief journey together.

 

Hello Francine

You are so lucky that you had 45 happy years with Charles.i had only 14 with my Damian but you have to know that you are so damn lucky because so many women never knew what mean true love.that's a blessing Francine being loved and loving for so many long and beautiful years.i still don't accept he died.all my house is about his gifts, our pics, our videos, our memories.i found my therapy in traveling as long as i can and thank you so much for ur touching post.i ll keep posting.today i had a busy day at work and feel so tired.

big warm hugs

Anysia

[Win]

I lost my husband of 11 years on December 15 2016 we were together 20 years he beat colon cancer twice which is amazing in itself but died of end stage congestive heart failure. The only positive thing I can say about it is that nothing else matters I don't care about anything anymore I am a shell of a person walking around this a horrible painful sad journey like nothing I have ever felt before. I wish none of you had to feel this pain either. It doesn't help me to know that others like you are suffering..I don't want you feeling like this either. What are we going to do? 

[Eagle-96]

29 minutes ago, Win said:

I lost my husband of 11 years on December 15 2016 we were together 20 years he beat colon cancer twice which is amazing in itself but died of end stage congestive heart failure. The only positive thing I can say about it is that nothing else matters I don't care about anything anymore I am a shell of a person walking around this a horrible painful sad journey like nothing I have ever felt before. I wish none of you had to feel this pain either. It doesn't help me to know that others like you are suffering..I don't want you feeling like this either. What are we going to do? 

I am sorry you are going through this pain. Losing our soulmate is likely the hardest thing we will ever go through. At times it seems like the only thing we have to fill up our day is pain and despair. None of us want each other to suffer but here we are. All walking this road together. While we can't take the pain away for you(I would if I could), we can offer advice, hope, a shoulder to cry on, a sounding board for your thoughts. I wish you peace and comfort.

[KMB]

Win,  I lost my husband to sudden cardiac arrest, brought on by congestive heart failure, which was caused from diabetes. So, I know about the constant pain you feel. I am deeply sorry for your loss. There was nothing we could do for their health or to save them. Your husband was amazingly able to beat cancer twice, but his heart betrayed those victories. Oh, life is so unfair!  For myself, and a lot of others here, the best advice is to take it one day at a time. Be patient and kind to yourself. This is a journey we will be on the rest of our lives. I know about being a shell of a person. I feel like a walking, talking robot and I know the feelings that nothing matters anymore. I'm hoping this current way of living changes for something more tolerable for myself eventually. Take care of yourself and post when you feel the need to share, cry, vent, whatever you feel like relieving yourself of. 

[Francine]

2 hours ago, Win said:

I lost my husband of 11 years on December 15 2016 we were together 20 years he beat colon cancer twice which is amazing in itself but died of end stage congestive heart failure. The only positive thing I can say about it is that nothing else matters I don't care about anything anymore I am a shell of a person walking around this a horrible painful sad journey like nothing I have ever felt before. I wish none of you had to feel this pain either. It doesn't help me to know that others like you are suffering..I don't want you feeling like this either. What are we going to do?

I am so sorry for your loss and know the pain only too well.  I lost my Charles also in December 2016 and we were blessed with 45 years together.  The love I have for that man will cling to my heart forever, no matter how much pain it has caused, no matter how many tears have fallen - man, I love that man and still do.  I can truly relate when you say nothing matters - I too feel that way and didn't know the true meaning of pain, until now.   It is a fight; every morning is a battle just getting out of bed; every afternoon is a fight to stay awake; every night is a fight to find sleep and between every fight is another one; the constant pain of missing my Charles all day, all night, every single day.  I don't think the pain will ever stop, hopefully subside, but there will always be a hint of it somewhere. 

You ask what are we going to do?   We are not going to give up; we will carry on for ourselves and our loved ones; sure life has knocked us down and showed us things we never wanted to see but, we are stronger than we know,  and if we fall, we will get up; we will continue. We are not going to let this grief consume us.  We have experienced sadness, pain and suffering; but one thing is for sure, the pain we may be experiencing now won't compare to the joy that is coming.  Remember the love and not the loss and be grateful for the beautiful love you shared and the memories you made together. 

I pray that God gives you the Hope and Strength to make it through this most difficult time; Hope that it will get better and Strength to hold on until it does.

[Francine]

On 5/28/2017 at 7:36 PM, anysiaspivak said:

Hello

I m 39 years and widowed .i loose my husband suddenly 11/12/2016.

i tried to be strong and despite people told me time ll heal.i feel i change.i stop smiling.i stop interacting with people.i m isolating myself and the only thing who keep me alive is my job and my travelings.

i was very happy with my Damian. we were married 14 years and having fusional relation.he was my world.

i feel falling in depression.this life is meanless without him.

i want to know how some wives overcome the loss of the loved one.

thanks for ur replies

Anysia

First of all, I am truly sorry for your loss but personally, I don't think you ever overcome it - not really.  The weird thing is that life actually goes on, while your world stopped.  When you are faced with a tragedy so huge that you have no idea how you can live through it, and somehow the world keeps turning and the seconds keeps ticking away - while your world stopped.

Life does seem meaningless and depression will set in quickly.  It's as if you are numb, frozen in time, unable to think, moving in slow motion, living in a fog.  You stopped doing some of the things in your post because you are a totally different person.  You are different, maybe in a good way; maybe not - but none-the-less different.  For me, when my Charles was taken away from this earth, my heart was split into; one side was filled with memories, the other side died with him.  I often lay awake at night, when the world is asleep, and take a walk down memory lane with tears rolling down my cheeks, with my pillow drenched from crying - Remembering my Charles is easy, I do it everyday; but missing him is a heartache that never goes away.  I carry him in my heart and there he will always remain; although life has gone on without him, it will never be the same for me - because as I mentioned before, for all practical purposes - my world has stopped.

 

[KayC]

Win,

I replied to your other post already.  My husband died of a heart attack, also contributed to by Diabetes and stress from work.  It can be a real shock when we lose them unexpectedly, and it's hard to learn to navigate your way through grief, it's all encompassing and overwhelming.  I hope you'll consider seeing a professional grief counselor who can guide you through the maze of grief, and continue to come here.  A grief forum saved my bacon when I was early in my grief.

This is a long journey, but we're all going through it together.