I'm afraid I killed my Mom

[CatTH63]

On November 1st of 2015 I got the call that my mom was dead. I remember that night mostly in a haze of screaming at people, and general freaking out. She was 44. She and I both have histories of depression and I have multiple suicide attempts while I've found 'just in case' notes from her for years. Her boyfriend at the time got her hooked on coke. She did it here and there but my family doesn't like to see the truth. He was a leach. No home of his own, living with his parents, and she was coming into a butt load of money. Pay half of your mortgage money. I know she saw it but didn't want to believe it. My mother wasn't stupid, but she was desperate for someone to love her like she felt she could never love herself. And even if it was fake sometimes it's okay when you're the one in charge. (Her house, her everything really). She OD'd with over 4grams in her system. I pray it was a mistake. 
The night she died I remember speaking to the police, and they asked me when was the last time I saw my mother. I remember dying inside because I couldn't remember. I had to check my phone because it had been over a month. I hadn't called or texted her once in that time, because I had learned that she was getting into coke and partying way too much for me - and far too much to have my son around that. But it was also work. I was working 12 hour days with a 2 hour round trip and 14+ hour days were not unusal. I was a walking, talking zombie, fighting sleep on the drive home, on the drive to work, everything. But it still doesn't excuse cutting her out when she needed me. I had let her go. I remember that. I had my own issues and I had to stop worrying about her. She was a big girl. Or so I thought.

Two weeks before she died she asked me out to see a movie. We don't reach out, my Mom and I. It's more apt to make us pull away and it did show how badly she wanted to repair our relationship. I couldn't even send her a text to say that I was working, I loved her, I appreciated her offer. I was so mad at her and blamed her for everything. My looks because I looked so much like her. Everyone said how pretty she was but I always thought she was ugly, because we looked so much alike. My depression. My anger issues. All my problems. Not being a better mother. Not being a better grandma, when she so desperately wanted to be a good grandma. She adored my son so much. Months after she died I found a card I don't remember getting from her before that chilled me to the bone. It was a grief card from her to me. I don't remember her giving me a card when anyone in my family died. She was always right there when I needed her, there would be no need to send a card. 

I'm just beyond lost. It's been well over a year and sometimes the pain is still so raw it feels like my heart could burst out of my chest. I want to scream and stop and go. She died in the bathroom. Alone. She hit her head when she fell and cut it open. I think a family member meant well when they put a towel over the blood but it meant that my lazy butt (I avoided the bathroom at all costs for a long time) didn't clean it until four months later when the house was going on the market. I'll never forget the numbness, and the rage (how weird?) as I scrubbed my mother's blood off her bathroom tiles thinking how ridiculous her boyfriend was. He and their friends found her and he changed his shirt and ran when he realized she was dead, becasue they had drugs in the house? Or because he's a worthless coward. He didn't call anone to let us know, and demanded his things when I told him he abandoned them when he abandoned her. She truly wouldn't have forgiven him. But my family did in a heart beat. Her side anyhow. I was being unreasonable. What was wrong with me, he was scared? It's no big deal, she was gone. He came once and forgot a bunch of things then wanted me to deliver them because it was too painful to be in the house. And that's all I remember thinking. "I'm scrubbing my mom's blood off the floor and you can't handle being in the house of your deceased girlfriend who you dated just over a year. The one whose daughter you couldn't stand, because she wasn't a good enough mom and you were the expert on children even though you had none. But it's too painful to be here"

Crap it's just a lot. I know a lot else had to do with it but it scares me so much to think that maybe she did commit suicide. I'll really never know since from what her friends say her heart was going out quickly by then. I was supposed to see her the day before she died but my father insisted that I keep a promise to someone over something trivial - even though they had okayed my delaying it so I could go to the event. I remember complaining about her, saying something awful, calling her a name or something. I was so mean to her. I don't know what to do. I can't fix it. I'm scared she killed herself because of me, because my mother didn't think I loved her. 

[CatTH63]

Re-reading this a lot ended up being about her boyfriend but at the time of her death and the couple of months after he was a large part of grief for me, continuously calling me, texting, trying to steal her FB?! A facebook page? I didn't change her password because I saw no reason to be so petty, and then he did. I thrived on that. The messages I could read. Any more insight into her, who she was, what she was thinking, anything to tie me to her. Threatening to have my son taken away (because I told him that Mom wanted him to OD too, after he contacted me every day for a week antagonizing, berating me, and asking why I wouldn't just deliver his things to him?, that he was going to call the cops and have me arrested for theivery) and I was a stupid mess. 

Her family hasn't helped, and I don't know if I've had a chance to grieve. I just want to grieve. But I can't. I feel like a mess if I do and a mess if I don't. I just want to feel okay again but it's like the only okay is before. So many times I want to call her, text her a picture of the stupid and hilarious thing I did at work that day (getting a dozer stuck up to the top of the tracks was the first trigger). I never realized before how much I needed her. How much I relied on her and felt like it was okay as long as she was there. It feels like empty space, I can't help to reach out but noones there. And I feel bad, but sometimes I just want to scream at her for abandoning me. Even though I was the one that abandoned her and I don't know that she did commit suicide that i's what it feels like. She left me. 

Sometimes I dream that she hated me so much that she faked her own death and left, and she's living her life happy and free in the Bahamas or something. And I wish so badly that it was the truth becasue then she would be okay. I lose it going to Kohls because all I can see in my mind's eye is her and my son when he would be old enough to graduate. She'd be buying him some spiffy shirts and things and oohing and awwing over him and just being a doting grandma. All of the sports or music recitals/games/whatever she's going to miss. How proud she would have been of him, how much joy she would have brought to his life. All he's missing out on not having a father (or any family related to) and then losing his grandma so young. It really eats me up that he knows who his Great Great Grandmother is by pictures (she just recently passed away at nearly 100 years old) and yet he doesn't know his own Grandma from Adam if I point her out in one.