Struggling

[feltonforever5]

I've been reading for awhile but I just joined & I have never posted. I think now it is time.

Two months ago, 3/11/17, my boyfriend & I were in a car accident. He didn't make it. I struggle every single day wondering why him & not me. When I was transported to the hospital, I found out that I was pregnant (now 12 weeks along) & I try to think that maybe that's why I am here but it's still so unfair. I've tried not to let grief consume me as I have to stay healthy for this child but it gets hard! I'm going through so much & I'm only 23. What a way to really start life. My family doesn't check on me & we can forget about "friends". I just feel so overwhelmed & alone. His family has been great, supportive, concerned about me, & are really excited about the baby but I don't want to always just impose on them when I'm at my lowest. Sometimes I feel like I can't go on. I should've left when he did & it hurts so bad. Not only am I grieving the loss of the love of my life, but also the future we never got to experience, the goals we never got to accomplish, not being able to raise our baby TOGETHER, the things that he didn't get to do that he wanted to (he was only 25). It sucks. I often time find myself feeling bitter towards others that post about their significant others because I no longer have mine. Life just isn't fair. I did start counseling a few weeks ago which has helped me tremendously but it doesn't change the fact that I miss him everyday. As I type through tears, it feels good to let some feelings out finally.

[Andy]

2 hours ago, feltonforever5 said:

I've been reading for awhile but I just joined & I have never posted. I think now it is time.

Two months ago, 3/11/17, my boyfriend & I were in a car accident. He didn't make it. I struggle every single day wondering why him & not me. When I was transported to the hospital, I found out that I was pregnant (now 12 weeks along) & I try to think that maybe that's why I am here but it's still so unfair. I've tried not to let grief consume me as I have to stay healthy for this child but it gets hard! I'm going through so much & I'm only 23. What a way to really start life. My family doesn't check on me & we can forget about "friends". I just feel so overwhelmed & alone. His family has been great, supportive, concerned about me, & are really excited about the baby but I don't want to always just impose on them when I'm at my lowest. Sometimes I feel like I can't go on. I should've left when he did & it hurts so bad. Not only am I grieving the loss of the love of my life, but also the future we never got to experience, the goals we never got to accomplish, not being able to raise our baby TOGETHER, the things that he didn't get to do that he wanted to (he was only 25). It sucks. I often time find myself feeling bitter towards others that post about their significant others because I no longer have mine. Life just isn't fair. I did start counseling a few weeks ago which has helped me tremendously but it doesn't change the fact that I miss him everyday. As I type through tears, it feels good to let some feelings out finally.

Feltonforever5, my heart goes out to you, I'm very sorry for your loss and the compounded nature of your grief. I'm afraid I have very little insight into some of the dimensions you're experiencing, but nonetheless, I and others are here for whatever guidance or understanding we can provide. 

Nothing you feel is "wrong" or abnormal, these are natural reactions to traumatic events, feelings that seem at times outlandish or out of character for you, it's all okay. Your guilt, regrets, the mountain of responsibility you now face on the heels of such tragedy, it's going to create emotions that will feel alien. You're in an alien world now, the old one broken and unrecognizable. Continue with your counseling, rely on and trust his family, they seem to genuinely care for you, and that's rare enough. Post here, as you feel moved to do so, or just read, or pm any of us, but remember, you aren't alone in how you feel. I myself may not know exactly how you feel, but I have a good idea, and being able to express your darkest moments and lowest points is a truly wonderful thing. I credit this forum and the beautiful people here with carrying me through so much of my sorrow. 

I imagine that your child has perhaps created a paradox within you, on one hand, you wish to do nothing but process and grieve for your beloved, yet you can't fully throw yourself into that, your growing little one needs your focus and attention. I wanted to "disappear" after my wife passed away, but my daughter, more than anything, needed me to still be "dad", a job I gladly embrace. But, the part of me that needs space, needs time to think and consider, he still needs those things. So, I know you'll be an exceptional  mother, and you'll embrace this chapter with all you have, just remember to give to yourself. Don't neglect your feelings, allow yourself time to properly accept and evaluate life, and what that means now. You'll serve your child all the better for it. 

As a dad of a girl not much younger than you, I'd like to tell you that it's all going to be okay. It doesn't seem like it, certainly doesn't feel like it's possible, but it will. Things won't be the same, but you'll carry on, not move on, just move forward. The reasons why or trying to make sense of all this is futile at best, maddening at worst. One day, things may unfold in a such a way that you see a bit more "clear", or maybe things won't. You just remember to live. One moment, one instant at a time, your pace, your life. However you feel, you are still here, and things to do. All of us left behind are faced with that reality, and we all seek meaning. Breathe, allow the pain to run its course, let it do as it will, your ability to stand will come from your willingness to accept the pain. It's part of us, always there, don't ignore it, pay it it's due, but as time passes, you will become its master. You will visit the warm, bittersweet memories of your beloved on your terms, but it will take time. 

Please take care, peace and comfort to you,

Andy

[Marcel]

I'm sorry for your loss. Life will never be the same, that's for sure. Having a baby on the way can make it even harder, if you think how he misses out on seeing his child grow up but it can also help you. Some of us feel they don't have a purpose in life after the love of their life is gone. You have one. If it weren't for my stepdaughter, I might have followed my wife straight along. And even if my stepdaughter is 21 already she still needs support.
Is it any easier this way? No! But I do have a reason to go on as best as I can. Maybe, along the way, I get to the point where I can enjoy life again, I don't know yet. My wife surely wanted it that way.
Hang on to your child, tell her/him about his father and let your child live the life your boyfriend didn't have.
Life is not fair. In a situation like this we cannot enjoy it but if we have the chance to help others enjoy life we should take it.

[KayC]

feltonforever5,

I'm so sorry, this is the hardest thing one can go through.  I hope your baby gives you joy to live for.  I know it'll be hard to raise a child without him, this wasn't your plan, but I hope your family will be a support when the child comes.  I understand about friends, mine all disappeared when my husband died.  You will make new friends, when the baby comes, you will find yourself in play dates and birth to three, things like that and will meet other moms, that will give you a common bond on which to begin building new friendships.  Life is ever changing and sometimes we're scrambling to adjust, but Andy and Marcel have given you good response and I hope it helps you coming here.  I hope you'll read some of the other threads here.