Struggling with euthanasia decision

[KMR]

Well I was faced with the decision of euthanasia for my almost 18yo dog on Tuesday. Her health quickly declined within a matter of a couple days. In those days I denied it and did all I could to try and get her to eat and drink. She was urinating in her sleep so I got little diapers for her so her blankets and beds wouldn't be saturated. I cried watching her those days and by Sunday I just knew it was time. She could barely hold herself up. She turned away from me as I tried to comfort her, and she would just lay there with her eyes open. It was the absolute hardest thing to watch. I gave her a nice warm bath Monday afternoon, which she seemed to relax and enjoy. My llast night with her I didn't sleep at all, I laid her in bed with me and just watched her all night. She managed to climb out of her blankets and cuddle up under mine next to me, which was a big deal considering how weak she had become....I feel like maybe it was her last bit of good energy she had. I  had made an appointment Tuesday morning for her to be seen so they could give me options. That morning at around 5:30 she threw up. She hadn't eaten in almost 2 days so it was just stomach acid. Later I tried one last time to get her to try and eat something, I could hear her little tummy making noises but She just turned her head away. I put her little sweater on her and wrapped her in her favorite blanket. I knew euthanasia was probably going to be the outcome but I still had a small amount of denial. When we got there she was weighed and they said she was only 4.9lbs which was a drastic drop from her 6.5lbs the last time she was weighed. Being such a small dog, that is a dramatic loss of weight. Vet said her heart and lungs sounded healthy, but it's her kidneys that were done and she was also seriously anemic as well. They offered the option of Fluid therapy and B12 to flush her kidneys  and b12 in hopes to bring back her appetite...but that it wasn't certain and I would still just be prolonging the inevitable for a short time. I was given the option to euthanize her now before it got even worse or I could try treatment that would probably give her another week or two. Honestly it has been the most painful decision i have ever made in my life. She has been with me her whole life and almost my whole life, since she was only 2months old and I was only a little girl. I have never felt so guilty and sick.  Everyone says supportive things and the typical "she's in dog heaven, she's not suffering, it was the right thing". Logically I know it was probably for the best, but I am having the absolute hardest time with the guilt. I can't sleep more than a few hours, i wake up and instantly think about "what if's" and second guessing everything. When it was time, I held her in her blanket and they administered her sedative. Within 60seconds she went limp and her eyes closed. I sat there second guessing my decision for a few moments. I knew she wasn't gone yet but seeing her body limp and just holding her like that, I could not handle it. I held her and petted her for almost 10minutes before they came to get her for the actual euthanasia injection. I couldn't bare holding her for that. I handed her fragil body to the assistant and just bawled that I was leaving her. I feel guilty for all of it, the decision, not holding her through the whole euthanasia, leaving her body for cremation, and tons more. its hard being home, I see her empty blankets and bed but I cant bring myself to move them. my other dog sniffs around her things like she's looking for her. She wanders around the yard sniffing her old hang out spot. It makes me cry to see. While most would think I would find comfort in my other dog, I am finding it hard. I feel weird and I think she feels off too.  I have some family whose been supportive and talk to me, but I feel like they are tired of hearing me already and it's only been a day. I hate dragging their moods down with mine. I just don't know how to handle moving on from the guilt part of this. I know it's a multi step process but it feels the worst.

My final goodbye with her.

[KayC]

I am so sorry you had to make this very hard decision, but quite honestly, you did the selfless thing and opted to not let her suffer any more, now it is you that the suffering has transferred to, like you've taken her pain on you...that is how love is.  She is beautiful and sweet and I can imagine your grief.  It's very hard to adjust to having them gone, I've been down this road too many times.  I swear it seems harder the older I get, maybe because I've become all the closer to my furbabies.

It's common to second guess ourselves and feel guilt afterwards, it's part of our grief.  We know with our heads we did the right thing, but our emotions don't have to be logical, they're just there to contend with.  I'm so sorry for your loss.

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf 

http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml

[KMR]

Thank you KayC, it really helps to get this out. 

Thank you for the articles too. 

You said it exactly, the adjustment is very hard. She would have been 18 this August, that's almost 18years she has been with me. I was just a child, only 8years old, when she came into my life and I cannot remember what life is like without her.  She was such a sweet and gentle soul. I feel so horrible this was how she had to go. It feels like a bad dream. 

I guess the love is just so strong and worth it that we are willing to go through the grief in the end.  

[KayC]

It's true...even with the price of the pain that comes, I'd do it all over again, loving them, knowing them, being part of their lives, it's so worth it.