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tommysmama

It hurts so much, my baby boy is gone. I just need someone to talk to.

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I really need some help from someone. People keep saying its just a cat, but he really wasn't. He was all I had when times were rough. He made me smile when I had no one. He loved me so much and I loved him beyond words.

I can't even focus as tears stream down my face as I type this, holding on to the towel that we wrapped his sweet little body in, having trouble letting go. I've become so desperate for answers or even just a little bit of support I turn to this site.

On Saturday, May 6, 2017 my precious little boy Tommy died in my arms. He was only 5.5 years old.

At age 2, he was diagnosed with anemia and kidney disease, very rare for such a young guy. I spent thousands from my savings to do whatever I could for the little guy, running all these tests, medications, regular check-ups, etc. At 2 years he dropped down to 4 pounds and vets didn't think he would make it, even suggesting I put him down. That wasn't an option for me. With the prednisolone and gentle force feeding, i brought my cat back to normal weight and he was an active little guy again causing mischief and "hunting" his toys all the time. I'd wake up in the middle of the night with his toys all over me and all in his water bowl. He was such a funny guy. So when my vet stopped paying much attention once Tommy started feeling better, I didn't like that so January 2017 I switched to a new vet. The new vet had great ratings online so I trusted it. And I still don't know for sure if he did anything wrong, but my mind keeps wondering. He checked tommy's blood work and it read that he was at stage 3 kidney disease and his anemia was severe. Tommy was also showing signs of cancer. Tommy was now 5 years old. So the vet upped the dose to 2 pills a day to see how he responded. Tommy was fine until one week ago it all changed. He was getting weaker but my other cat had a lump on her stomach so I decided to take her in first last weekend and then Tommy this weekend (splitting up the finances as I couldn't afford it all at once). I wish I didn't do that and the regret is killing me to the point where I can't function anymore. I ended up taking Tommy in this last Friday because he was very weak. Tommy has lost a bit of weight but nothing significant like the first time. Vet noticed he was weak right away and wanted to run another blood test to see where he was at. Right after they took the blood, Tommy could barely move off the vet floor. His whole body and his head just laid flat on the floor with not an ounce of energy. Vet pulled out a new medication and said that this was the final resort. He orally administered Atopica for cats and said that if he responds in a week this could make him live a long life.

But it was too late. I took Tommy home and his mouth was still all crusty from the medication, like it was dehydrating him or something. Couldn't swallow properly. He seemed so much weaker than when I took him in that morning. I don't know if it's because they withdrew his last bit of blood that was keeping him alive (being anemic) or it was the new medication or it was simply too late. I gave him as much water as I could to try and help him. 

Tommy had this obsession with ice cubes. So I took an ice cube and dropped it in his water. He perked up a little bit and slowly walked over to his water bowl to take a drink. My heart broke because he was trying to drink but he just couldn't, he was so weak. Then about 10 minutes later I pulled out treats and he got a little excited and came over. He tried so hard to pick up the treat but he just couldn't. I even broke it in half to help him...he'd pick it up and it'd just fall out of his mouth. I started crying, like I am right now, because it really did break my heart.

My fiance and I kept close watch on him Friday night. We let him do all the things he wanted to do. He wanted to step out on the balcony, we let him. He just lied there and smelt the fresh air, then slowly walked in when he was finished. He wanted to walk down the hallway of the apartment, and we let him. We just let him walk, and he walked about 10 meters until he dropped. We pet him slowly and just stayed with him in the hallway. (Tommy loved being in the hallway...when we'd come home he'd be waiting at the door to go there. And once he hit the hallway he sit on the carpeted floor and just purr like crazy. Some days we just him stay out there as long as he wanted, it made him so happy). But that night we noticed Tommy couldn't walk back from his hallway mission. I picked him up and he was like jello, bringing him back inside. 

My fiance and I were having a personal argument from nights before, so I decided to sleep in the living room and he slept in the bedroom. I regret going to bed so easily that night at 11pm knowing my cat was like this. I should've stayed up with him. That night at 1am I woke up to use the bathroom and Tommy was sitting on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I pet him or not, which also kills me because I really hope I did, and then I left the bathroom, got a bite to eat from the kitchen and fell back asleep.

At 8am, my fiance comes running into the living room and yells "Babe! Tommy!". (Our female cat had woken him up when it was happening. That breaks my heart even more because she was attached to the hip with Tommy. They were best friends). I bolted to my bedroom to see Tommy just lying there halfway inside my closet and halfway out. I panicked. I lifted him up pulled him out of the closet to the floor right next to us. As I lifted him, he let out what sounded like the last bit of air in his lungs. I kept saying, "Tommy?? Tommy???" as he was still warm, very jello-like, and his eye were still glossy (no blinking). I called the vet (which wasn't opened yet) and left a voicemail panicking on what to do. I kept telling Tommy how much I loved him, and I thanked him for an amazing 5 years. I sang to him "you are my sunshine" and I just cried and cried and cried like I am right now. The vet called me back and asked him if he was cold, I said no. They asked if he was stiff, I said no. They let me know that "it was happening" and to bring him in for 9am.

I kept looking at Tommy's eyes for a little bit of hope. Maybe he'd come back? We only did one day of the new medication and didn't get a chance to see if it would work. I cried for him. I put my left hand gently under his body while he was lying on the floor, almost holding him like he was my baby. I just cried. He started to go cold. My fiance and I said a prayer together for God to take him and keep him for us once we get there. The thought of never seeing my baby again shatters my heart. I really hope there's a kitty heaven.

 

I keep thinking to myself, what if I took Tommy to the vet first instead of my female with the lump. We could've gotten the medication sooner and maybe he'd live a long life with me. The lump turned out to be only a cyst, which I'm thankful for, but it hurt even more knowing that Tommy's condition was much more serious. And I waited. I waited a week. A week that could've save his life. And I keep thinking to myself, why didn't I stay up with him on Friday? I knew he was weak but I didn't think he would go overnight, just like that. I haven't left my living room floor since Saturday. I haven't stopped crying. I eaten maybe 500 calories since then with no appetite. I can't even shower because Tommy why lying in the tub on Friday, the night before he died. I think he liked the cold. Was my apartment too hot for him? All these thoughts keep running through my head. Not many people understand this pain I'm experiencing. They judge. But I loved him so much. I keep thinking I could've done more. 

Tommy baby, you were my world. I miss you so much. I wish I could hold you in my arms just one more time and listen to those loud purrs of yours. I wish I could watch you "hunt" your toys again and giggle like I used to as you brought them to me. I wish I could wake up again and feel you lying on my chest like I did every morning, with your claws gently pressing into my chest. Now I cry, and I cry, and I cry, because you're not here with me anymore. You left too soon. You only lived 5 years. My baby, I miss you so much. When will this hurting stop? Until we meet again sweetheart. I love you.

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1 hour ago, tommysmama said:

People keep saying its just a cat, but he really wasn't.

Of COURSE he wasn't "just a cat"!  To all of us here, our furbabies are never "just" anything!  They are our constant companions, the ones we love, the ones we interacted with daily, the ones who were there through life and our love connection with them is very real!

I am so sorry for the loss of your Tommy.  He'll always be of primary importance to you, his mama.

Guilt and regret is a normal part of grief, almost as if we're trying to come up with a different outcome.

I do hope you'll read the following articles, I think they have something worth reading.

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf 

http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml 

He knows you love him, you gave him a good life.  Maybe the what ifs would have had a different outcome...but maybe they wouldn't have.  We proceed with the knowledge we have at the time, none of us have the value of hindsight at the time, you couldn't possibly have known.  (((hugs)))

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I know exactly how you feel and how painful it was for you watching your friend deteriorate and wind down. I spent the last few nights sleepless and exhausted with my Dante, petting him when he was having trouble breathing to remind him his mommy was there for him. I kept praying he'd just pass quietly in his sleep but we weren't afforded that luxury, were we?

I'm so very sorry for your loss, I empathize. Your baby knew he was loved, and he passed while in the arms of his beloved, we should all be so lucky.

You're not crazy, you're mourning. You're the kind of pet parent a baby like yours deserves.

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My dog was put down today and there is no way to describe this feeling.  I sometimes just wish I could hold him or shake his paw just once more.

I wish you the best in your recovery from, we are all in this together.

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Tommysmama

I have just lost a cat this morning and like you I am crying while I am typing this.

Please be strong and do not feel guilty,you did all you could for your little pal,certainly more than millions of other people would.

You sound a lovely and amazing guy,have faith,give it time somebody like yourself will not be allowed to suffer for too long.

I am praying for you and your little pal.

trust me it will get better gradually,take one day at a time.

Good Luck and Best Wishes.

 

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John 1953,

I am so sorry, it is hard, we are so attached, they are our family.  Maybe when you're up to it you can share a picture, tell us what unique qualities your cat possessed?

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Thank you everyone. It has been a few weeks since Tommy's passing. Whether it's only 2 minutes or 20 minutes, there hasn't been a day yet where I haven't cried missing my little man. He was so special to me.

I found a local support group for those dealing with the loss of a pet, which I will be attending this Saturday. Since it's been almost a month since Tommy passed, I feel like my time has "expired" to talk to friends/family about my pain. I'm hoping this will help.

You all are wonderful people. Thank you.

(Pics below of my handsome little man)

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tommysmama,  Tommy is such a good looking guy! I am so sorry for his loss. It hurts so very much when we lose our fur babies. They are truly members of our family and their absence is hard to deal with. My belief is that all of our pets are there to greet us when it is our time to cross over. Your Tommy will be in the front line waiting to be with you again. (HUGS)

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tommysmama,

I can see your love in the pictures, and I agree with KMB, very handsome cat!  I hate that you feel the time has expired for you to be able to talk about it with your family/friends...I feel as long as he is in your heart, there should be no expiration date, but I sure understand how you can feel that way.  I am so glad there is a support group for loss of pets in your area!  One of the hazards of living where I do, there is no such thing here.  I feel as KMB does, that we will be with them again!  Wishing you well as you attend this group tomorrow, I hope it is of comfort to you.

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tommysmama, 

I'm so sorry for your loss. He wasn't just a cat he was your baby. That's what troubles was to me. I tried to wake him up one day and he just didn't have the engery to lift his head and I knew something was wrong. That day we brought him to the vet and he was diagnosed with cancer at 18 years old. your Tommy was a very beautiful boy and no matter what anyone says you lost a part of you. I know I did. There is no experation date on your feelings. Three months later and I still cry almost every day for the loss of my boy. I hope you get better and someday you can smile again. I can only hope the same for myself. 

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I'm so sorry for your loss, I'm in tears reading this post. He was such a sweet little boy. I used to sing "You Are My Sunshine" to my little Pudge all the time.

The important things to keep in mind are as follows:

1. He knows you loved him and he loved you just as much, if not more.

2. By the sound of it, you gave him the best life possible with whatever resources you had. Your devotion and unconditional love made his pain a little more bearable. 

Losing our boys has caused such pain, this is going to be difficult to move on from, and I say move on because you don't get over this stuff. You don't get over the loss of someone, you learn to cope with it. When my Pudge died my friend Kimberly wrote me a card with a Lemony Snicket quote that really helped me understand what I was feeling. “It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.”

 

Feel free to reach out whenever you need.

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